hopeful4

Good Morning.

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I had my children, so we went to a city a couple hours away with family and did some nice things. It was good to get away and do something nice. We took a big vacation last year, so this year we are not, I just don't have the extra money. So little excursions like this make me feel like we are still doing some good quality time away, which we all need in the summer. I have very bad vacation envy right now LOL!

As I have mentioned recently, I am really stressing out about my X. He has not drank around the kids recently, which is good. I know he spoke to an attorney a couple months ago, and I am sure said attorney told him if he ever wants more time, he will have to be on the straight and narrow. So while I am glad for the peace of my children he is doing that, I am filled with dread that is his plan. I just cannot seem to get my focus off of it.

He lashes out at times, so I never know when it's coming. I am sure it's when he is drunk, but it absolutely sends my anxiety through the roof.

I am going to speak to my pastor today. I just need to do all I can to get some peace and take my focus off of this, but I just cannot seem to do it. It is like it's going on in a loop in my head 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I live with this feeling of dread, like some horrible thing is about to happen, all the time.

I feel like I have lost a piece of myself to all of this. This is who I am now, and while I am glad to have my focus on my children, I need to find myself again, and I am having a really hard time just finding my way. I go through the motions. I parent my children. I spend quality time with them. I come to work. I spend time with family and friends. But this occupies my mind the entire time, and I just cannot seem to stop.

I guess I am just venting. I wish there were some magic switch to turn it all off.

FireSprite

((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))

So what's underneath that feeling of dread hopeful? Is it that he'll maintain sobriety without recovering & create an illusion that doesn't show the entire story? (DD2 is still fairly young so this affects her visitation with him the most.)

Is it more simple - like it triggers your feelings of being out of control over things/general anxiety over the unknown? (It's one thing to know that logically, but that's not how FEELINGS work, right?)

Is it fear - maybe he will get sober, get healthy & the dynamic between all of you will change? Do you worry that your girls will want to spend more time with him & his wife if things were to go well?

Of course - any & all of these thing qualify as Future Tripping & you already know that & don't need me to point it out for you. If he's doing all of this for the impression it gives, he's very unlikely to sustain it long enough for it to make any real difference.


No answers needed here, of course ...... but since you're obsessing over this, I have to ask - what are you doing for YOU these days, Mama? What tools are you utilizing to fight this anxiety? When was the last time you set aside time just for YOUR needs, even something as simple as an hour to exercise or soak in salts or watch trashy tv?

CentralOhioDad

Sending (((((HUGS)))))

COD

hopeful4

Thank you friend.

A few things going on I think. Recently he has been trying to basically manipulate my older DD into spending time w/him. He cannot control that due to her age. My biggest fear is that he will in turn try to control it through going back to court to get more time with my youngest DD. She would be devastated. No, I don't ever fear they will want to spend more time there. Even sober, they really don't like who he is. I wish they did want to spend more time with him, and that he would make a bigger effort in a healthy way.

I do also think that triggers my need to control. I fully realize I cannot control him, I can only control the way I react. And dealing with him sends me into spiraling anxiety. Fear of the future for my DD I guess.

I guess I fear that he will get better enough to white knuckle it, and that will be sufficient for the courts.

I do think I am doing all I can do. I am coming here and reaching out to you lovelies, thank you all. I plan to go back to Celebrate Recovery, I am realizing that could help me in a couple of ways. I could help others which gets me out of my own head, and it will remind me of all the skills I learned there in the first place. I need to be plugged into service work in some way for sure.

Today I met with my Pastor who is one of the most kind and caring people I know who I am going to start a bible study with, and who is also going to research for resources for me as well such as a Divorce Care class, etc.

I do binge watch Netflix just to get out of my own head. I finished Nurse Jackie (soooo good), and am now watching Bones. I have also been reaching out to friends more to spend time away from this situation. It's really easy to sit home and worry when my children are with their dad, I am trying to break that habit, go out, do things.

Honestly, I think I need to go back to counseling. I need to clear up some other financials first to have the money to do so, in the mean time, I will do all of these other things. I know folks, counseling is so important. I have done tons. However, I have to keep my primary bills paid first, and they are more during the summer.

It's a work in progress. Thank you for helping me think it all out FS, you are a great friend.

Thumper

No advice hopeful. It seems like you have a good plan to help yourself get through this phase.

I wish I had a magic wand for us all Thank you for posting though. Sometimes there is an impression that once apart things are happy and joyful but there are still things that come up and its good to be reminded that it's normal.

hopeful4

Absolutely Thumper. Coparenting with an addict is a nightmare, together or apart. It won't be until my children are grown and able to make their own decisions that I will be free of dealing with all of this. So sad b/c I sure don't want to wish my children's lives away.

Butterfly

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) Hopeful

firebolt

Hopeful - sending you my best. You sound like you know whats best for you - and you are doing it! Counseling - always a good idea!! I hope you can go soon - it's always a load off for me when I do!

Liveitwell

Love you, friend. Hugs-many hugs. I think you getting back into counseling, CR, the Word will help immensely.