How do you mourn something that didn't exist?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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I have been looking into relationship dynamics and I believe the alcoholic vs enabler pattern you are seeing is one of narcissist vs codependent or takers vs givers. I think codependents/enablers can be so fearful of being alone that they/we/I stay in relationships that are not healthy. We try to fix it fix it fix it because it's in our nature... when we confront the A and they push back we get scared and back down out of fear of losing them, even though we are not happy!
I agree 100% that we are in the driver's seat and need to stop this madness. As long as an A has enablers they have NO INCENTIVE to get better. The fact my AXBF went out and found someone the same day without skipping a beat shows how important it is to A's that they have an enabler, someone that makes them feel that what they are doing is okay. Without enablers they would be forced to face their realities head on.
I agree 100% that we are in the driver's seat and need to stop this madness. As long as an A has enablers they have NO INCENTIVE to get better. The fact my AXBF went out and found someone the same day without skipping a beat shows how important it is to A's that they have an enabler, someone that makes them feel that what they are doing is okay. Without enablers they would be forced to face their realities head on.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Oh, Expanding, I totally sympathize! STBXAH has been out of the house for about a month now. I was feeling okay the first couple of weeks, but this past week, the loneliness really hit. It's a normal part of grieving. I read that just making yourself feel it is essential to healing. I know for me that the fear of being lonely forever it worse than just being lonely in the moment, so I remind myself to stay in the present.
My therapist has a sign hanging up in her office that reads, "I'll always miss the image I had of you." I know I don't truly miss my STBXAH...what I miss is the little bit of hope I had when we were together....the hope that he would recover. I was so used to that feeling because it was all I had.
Wishing you the best!
My therapist has a sign hanging up in her office that reads, "I'll always miss the image I had of you." I know I don't truly miss my STBXAH...what I miss is the little bit of hope I had when we were together....the hope that he would recover. I was so used to that feeling because it was all I had.
Wishing you the best!
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
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Originally Posted by Expanding 
"... or they don't believe me because "he is sooo nice"... "he clearly loved you"... "I don't know any guy that treats his girl as well as he treats you"....
Don't get me wrong, I think the abf loves our son. Although, I have to remind myself that there are good fathers out there who actually think before chronically drinking in front of said child, teaching said child disdain/disregard for mom, and actually FINANCIALLY support said child.
Same mother who had to pay for a year for her 'wonderful' son to live in an apartment so he wouldn't be homeless. Same mother who thinks it is wonderful that I let him 'back in' and attempts to control me to let him stay. Gives me a guilt trip for not wanting to support/contribute to such a 'wonderful' gift from the skies. (PUKE)
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
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ok everyone scream together.. ahahhahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaa
had to do that .. love my hubby to bits we had such a terrible fight at a café on Friday night.. does he understand I doubt it .. but I keep trying.. love to all and so many many prayers.. go to your Human Center and help out. there are so many broken little hearts there that need a pat on the head.. maybe just maybe... love ardy
had to do that .. love my hubby to bits we had such a terrible fight at a café on Friday night.. does he understand I doubt it .. but I keep trying.. love to all and so many many prayers.. go to your Human Center and help out. there are so many broken little hearts there that need a pat on the head.. maybe just maybe... love ardy
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
The thing that hurt for me the most was this exact thought. Here I was, pretty broken and unraveled over something that now seems completely fake. No recognition or acknowledgement of anything he did, and for all I knew he was moving on with his life without even being affected. That's soul-piercing, and it hurts.
But, that's not the case. Highly dysfunctional relationship is the proper term for it. A highly dysfunctional relationship with someone that simply doesn't have the tools to properly help nurture and build a healthy relationship. Yes, we come to terms with this during the relationship and make those decisions to stick around for as long as we do, so that is area of personal improvement to look at. The - why did I allow this for as long as I did?
For me, that was the hardest thing to come to terms with. I knew the problem relatively soon after getting involved. I ignored it, and then decided to start learning about it. And the sad fact of the matter is that an alcoholic or addict doesn't have the tools to be in a healthy relationship. They don't have the coping skills. In fact, in my case, the only coping skill was turning to alcohol for my ex.
It isn't so much the fact that it didn't exist - it just didn't exist in a healthy manner.
The loneliness factor - that was me focusing on me, and making sure I put myself first for a while. That was getting my own self respect back, really, and appreciating myself more. When that happens, loneliness fades. Being by yourself actually becomes peaceful. To me, I felt more lonely at the end of the relationship with him sitting right next to me, once I came to realize that he would never really be there for me.
So, by myself - at least that isn't compounded by someone else who not only will not be there for me, but may possibly add more grief depending on his mood or alcohol intake.
It takes a bit to travel through these feelings, but take the time you need to process them. Let yourself feel. Let yourself feel lonely, and then work out the reason why. It will get better with time.
But, that's not the case. Highly dysfunctional relationship is the proper term for it. A highly dysfunctional relationship with someone that simply doesn't have the tools to properly help nurture and build a healthy relationship. Yes, we come to terms with this during the relationship and make those decisions to stick around for as long as we do, so that is area of personal improvement to look at. The - why did I allow this for as long as I did?
For me, that was the hardest thing to come to terms with. I knew the problem relatively soon after getting involved. I ignored it, and then decided to start learning about it. And the sad fact of the matter is that an alcoholic or addict doesn't have the tools to be in a healthy relationship. They don't have the coping skills. In fact, in my case, the only coping skill was turning to alcohol for my ex.
It isn't so much the fact that it didn't exist - it just didn't exist in a healthy manner.
The loneliness factor - that was me focusing on me, and making sure I put myself first for a while. That was getting my own self respect back, really, and appreciating myself more. When that happens, loneliness fades. Being by yourself actually becomes peaceful. To me, I felt more lonely at the end of the relationship with him sitting right next to me, once I came to realize that he would never really be there for me.
So, by myself - at least that isn't compounded by someone else who not only will not be there for me, but may possibly add more grief depending on his mood or alcohol intake.
It takes a bit to travel through these feelings, but take the time you need to process them. Let yourself feel. Let yourself feel lonely, and then work out the reason why. It will get better with time.
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