Husband left for Rehab, again. A rant.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Tulsa, Ok
Posts: 7
Husband left for Rehab, again. A rant.
So, I've been quietly reading through this website for probably a good year before I decided to join- this week.
I am the wife of an alcoholic. We've been together for 4 years and married for a little over a year. It seems like we've been through hell and back but I am at the point where I can't take it anymore. I don't want to leave him but I can't keep putting my daughter and myself through the drama.
My father passed away two weeks ago and instead of being able to grieve properly, I had to deal with his ********. My parents live about an hour and a half away from us and he went home after the funeral. Said he didn't want to stay another night here, when I talked to him later he was drunk. I went home, packed all my stuff and left to go back to my moms. He called me and said he made a big mistake and he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. I said that is fine but I'm still going to be at moms for a couple of days helping her with some loose ends.
Called him the next day and guess what? yup, drunk again. Only he hit an all time low. He didn't have any money, so he took our daughters TV to the pawn shop got about $50 and got drunk. I came home, mad as hell. I told him I was there to get the rest of my stuff, then he tells me he is going to rehab again. I asked him why, because he's been 3 times in the last 7 months (not including the numerous times he's been prior to that). He didn't really have a response, other than "Don't you want me to get better?"
So he left for rehab on Tuesday. He doesn't get to call us for at least a week, which I am kind of glad because I have been beyond angry this time. His counselor called and said he wanted me to send him some shorts, sneakers, flip flops, and etc. Now normally I would probably send them but I feel like he is just being selfish and wanting me to cater to his needs and I am just not going to do it anymore. I am certainly done with that. He also wanted me to send him tobacco, which I have no intention on doing also. I feel like he took away the hardest time in my life so the spot light could be on him, once again. I also feel like he is getting a vacation, basically, because this rehab is super nice and it's in California and we live in Oklahoma. He hasn't worked since February, he's been on short term disability, trying to get on long term disability, which has not been approved yet and our bills are stacking up. I was going to school and we have been paying our bills with what's left from my student loans. I could be working right now but everything is in limbo because he decided to drink again. ugg. anyways. Thanks for letting me rant.
I am the wife of an alcoholic. We've been together for 4 years and married for a little over a year. It seems like we've been through hell and back but I am at the point where I can't take it anymore. I don't want to leave him but I can't keep putting my daughter and myself through the drama.
My father passed away two weeks ago and instead of being able to grieve properly, I had to deal with his ********. My parents live about an hour and a half away from us and he went home after the funeral. Said he didn't want to stay another night here, when I talked to him later he was drunk. I went home, packed all my stuff and left to go back to my moms. He called me and said he made a big mistake and he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. I said that is fine but I'm still going to be at moms for a couple of days helping her with some loose ends.
Called him the next day and guess what? yup, drunk again. Only he hit an all time low. He didn't have any money, so he took our daughters TV to the pawn shop got about $50 and got drunk. I came home, mad as hell. I told him I was there to get the rest of my stuff, then he tells me he is going to rehab again. I asked him why, because he's been 3 times in the last 7 months (not including the numerous times he's been prior to that). He didn't really have a response, other than "Don't you want me to get better?"
So he left for rehab on Tuesday. He doesn't get to call us for at least a week, which I am kind of glad because I have been beyond angry this time. His counselor called and said he wanted me to send him some shorts, sneakers, flip flops, and etc. Now normally I would probably send them but I feel like he is just being selfish and wanting me to cater to his needs and I am just not going to do it anymore. I am certainly done with that. He also wanted me to send him tobacco, which I have no intention on doing also. I feel like he took away the hardest time in my life so the spot light could be on him, once again. I also feel like he is getting a vacation, basically, because this rehab is super nice and it's in California and we live in Oklahoma. He hasn't worked since February, he's been on short term disability, trying to get on long term disability, which has not been approved yet and our bills are stacking up. I was going to school and we have been paying our bills with what's left from my student loans. I could be working right now but everything is in limbo because he decided to drink again. ugg. anyways. Thanks for letting me rant.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I'm sorry you're going through this. My condolences for the loss of your father.
You're spot on about your husband being selfish, and I applaud the boundaries you're setting. He has a lot of nerve asking you for anything, especially treats while he's at rehab. You're trying to keep a household running and he's worried about having tobacco at rehab. I think he's taken enough away from the family.
It sounds like he's using these rehab trips as a manipulation to cool things down and get family off his back rather than seeking actual recovery. I highly doubt that the fourth time will be the charm. You have every right to be angry that he's jetted off and left you with all the responsibilities. Although, and this is just a guess, you were probably carrying most of the burden anyway.
You don't have to stay in limbo, and you're not under any obligation to continue this dance with him just because he's going through the motions once again. Use this time to gather your support system and think about what you want your life to look like. If you can, check into some Alanon meetings. That was tremendously helpful to me in dealing with my alcoholic ex. Sending strength and hugs to you and your daughter.
You're spot on about your husband being selfish, and I applaud the boundaries you're setting. He has a lot of nerve asking you for anything, especially treats while he's at rehab. You're trying to keep a household running and he's worried about having tobacco at rehab. I think he's taken enough away from the family.
It sounds like he's using these rehab trips as a manipulation to cool things down and get family off his back rather than seeking actual recovery. I highly doubt that the fourth time will be the charm. You have every right to be angry that he's jetted off and left you with all the responsibilities. Although, and this is just a guess, you were probably carrying most of the burden anyway.
You don't have to stay in limbo, and you're not under any obligation to continue this dance with him just because he's going through the motions once again. Use this time to gather your support system and think about what you want your life to look like. If you can, check into some Alanon meetings. That was tremendously helpful to me in dealing with my alcoholic ex. Sending strength and hugs to you and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm so sorry for your loss. and so very sorry you have not had the time and space to properly grieve.
i personally hold the belief that if one doesn't "get it" in their first THREE trips to rehab, then they aren't going to get it in the 4th or 10th. for them, rehab actually just becomes a part of their using pattern......like a vacation.
it's time to take him out of the equation and focus on what is best for YOU and your daughter. he's violated the most sacred of trusts - stealing from his own child to fund his addiction. there is something "wrong" with someone who does that.....he also demonstrated a complete lack of empathy for your loss, concerned only with himself.
i personally hold the belief that if one doesn't "get it" in their first THREE trips to rehab, then they aren't going to get it in the 4th or 10th. for them, rehab actually just becomes a part of their using pattern......like a vacation.
it's time to take him out of the equation and focus on what is best for YOU and your daughter. he's violated the most sacred of trusts - stealing from his own child to fund his addiction. there is something "wrong" with someone who does that.....he also demonstrated a complete lack of empathy for your loss, concerned only with himself.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Holly - I'm glad you posted. I'm so sorry for your loss and the drama in your life.
I can completely relate to how you are feeling - you are not alone!
Your post brought up so many memories and negative emotions for me. STBXAH went to rehab in 2010. I left Sept 2015. It never got better overall, although there were times we had fun and it was good. The good times didn't last.
Keep reading and posting. I've gotten great insight here.
I can completely relate to how you are feeling - you are not alone!
Your post brought up so many memories and negative emotions for me. STBXAH went to rehab in 2010. I left Sept 2015. It never got better overall, although there were times we had fun and it was good. The good times didn't last.
Keep reading and posting. I've gotten great insight here.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I've heard a couple AA speakers talk about stealing money from their wives, spending the kids food money, to go buy booze/drugs.
One guy was on a bus going cross-country with his 9-10yr old daughter. About halfway she told him she was hungry, he only had a few $ on him- next stop he bought alcohol and his daughter went hungry for the rest of the trip.
Bigtime amends needed for behavior like that... this guy did it through AA.
One guy was on a bus going cross-country with his 9-10yr old daughter. About halfway she told him she was hungry, he only had a few $ on him- next stop he bought alcohol and his daughter went hungry for the rest of the trip.
Bigtime amends needed for behavior like that... this guy did it through AA.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HW,
I am so sorry for you loss. I just lost my Dad on May 2nd so I feel your pain. You are entitled to mourn the loss. You are entitled not to have to worry about AH. A's always like to be the center of attention and they usually are.
I understand how you are giving up hope for his sobriety. It is time for you to start thinking of your recovery and give him to his higher power. I think that is great that you are taking classes. I totally agree not engaging with him on his belongings. The rehab is a week. By the time it gets to him he would have 2 days left.
What are your plans when he gets back? This is what you need to think about this week. Do your homework on alcoholism. Hit an alanon or open aa meeting. Find out as much as you can about this horrible disease so you can make an educated decision about you and your daughters future. Go on to the forum for adult children of alcoholics. Ask them about being a child and living in an alcoholic dysfunctional home. Most mom's stay because they don't want to break up the family. Most children wished the sober parent had left.
Do some sole searching and find out what you really want in your life. Hugs my friend, enjoy the 7 days of quiet.
I am so sorry for you loss. I just lost my Dad on May 2nd so I feel your pain. You are entitled to mourn the loss. You are entitled not to have to worry about AH. A's always like to be the center of attention and they usually are.
I understand how you are giving up hope for his sobriety. It is time for you to start thinking of your recovery and give him to his higher power. I think that is great that you are taking classes. I totally agree not engaging with him on his belongings. The rehab is a week. By the time it gets to him he would have 2 days left.
What are your plans when he gets back? This is what you need to think about this week. Do your homework on alcoholism. Hit an alanon or open aa meeting. Find out as much as you can about this horrible disease so you can make an educated decision about you and your daughters future. Go on to the forum for adult children of alcoholics. Ask them about being a child and living in an alcoholic dysfunctional home. Most mom's stay because they don't want to break up the family. Most children wished the sober parent had left.
Do some sole searching and find out what you really want in your life. Hugs my friend, enjoy the 7 days of quiet.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Tulsa, Ok
Posts: 7
Thank you all so much. Everything you've said has resonated with me. I am so thankful for this group. I wanted to go to an Al-Anon meeting right away, but I am staying with my mom right now in a rural area. I am planning to go home for a couple of days and I know of a few meetings in my area. I am certainly going to do some soul searching. I don't want to make any irrational decisions about my marriage based on my emotions. I definitely need a plan of action for when he gets home. The fact that he took my daughter's TV was a very selfish and jealous act. We have 3 other TV's in our house but I feel he targeted hers because he is jealous of my love for her. I've told him that my love for her is different than what I feel for him. Not meaning that I love either of them more or less but I've had her in my life longer than him (he's technically step-dad, but always just been dad to her). He's very sweet and caring when he isn't drinking but he is selfish and self centered most of the time, until someone says something to him and then he realizes he's being a jerk. His mom, dad, and sister are the sweetest people in the world but they spoiled him as a kid and sometimes enable him too. I have been guilty of that in the past but I now know better. I told him I am not listening to any of his excuses any more. He tried to tell me before he left that one of the reasons he sold her TV was because I didn't leave him any money, which for some reason he thinks I'm hoarding. I had enough for rent this month and some bills. I'm worn out. I've been co-dependent for too long. Thank you all for your advice it means so much to me and I am certainly listening and thinking at this point. I know I have at least 30 days (give or take since he left) to really contemplate my next move. Thanks again.
-Holly
-Holly
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
The fact that he took my daughter's TV was a very selfish and jealous act. We have 3 other TV's in our house but I feel he targeted hers because he is jealous of my love for her. I've told him that my love for her is different than what I feel for him. Not meaning that I love either of them more or less but I've had her in my life longer than him (he's technically step-dad, but always just been dad to her).
Hey again Holly,
This concerns me because it sounds so familiar. My ex also had a childish resentment toward my older son, which became especially apparent when he was drinking, though he would try to be loving and buddy-buddy with him when sober. It got to the point where his drinking behavior progressed and grew more outrageous and my son eventually went to live with his dad. When his dad passed away, my son came back to live with us and the passive-aggressive behavior and childish resentments (stealing, snarky comments, whining that I "spent all my time" with my son, loved him more than X, etc.) escalated to flat out aggression and verbal abuse and physical threats. His alcoholism had progressed and all his nasty behaviors increased along with it.
When he and I met, I would never have predicted how those events would unfold and it was shocking to me. I know that right now it's at what seems like a tolerable level and can be treated like a minor irritation, but to me it's a HUGE red flag, along with the fact that he's blaming you because you put aside money to pay rent and bills. That's not controlling, it's called being an adult. He was the one who made the selfish and childish choice to steal from a child to finance his addiction. He clearly didn't learn anything from his previous 3 trips to rehab.
Hey again Holly,
This concerns me because it sounds so familiar. My ex also had a childish resentment toward my older son, which became especially apparent when he was drinking, though he would try to be loving and buddy-buddy with him when sober. It got to the point where his drinking behavior progressed and grew more outrageous and my son eventually went to live with his dad. When his dad passed away, my son came back to live with us and the passive-aggressive behavior and childish resentments (stealing, snarky comments, whining that I "spent all my time" with my son, loved him more than X, etc.) escalated to flat out aggression and verbal abuse and physical threats. His alcoholism had progressed and all his nasty behaviors increased along with it.
When he and I met, I would never have predicted how those events would unfold and it was shocking to me. I know that right now it's at what seems like a tolerable level and can be treated like a minor irritation, but to me it's a HUGE red flag, along with the fact that he's blaming you because you put aside money to pay rent and bills. That's not controlling, it's called being an adult. He was the one who made the selfish and childish choice to steal from a child to finance his addiction. He clearly didn't learn anything from his previous 3 trips to rehab.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ANY time the male adult in the relationship is jealous of any attention being shown to the CHILDREN, you have a big RED flag. that indicates that they do not have the capacity to CARE about their own offspring or any offsprings.....the thing that should be one the most primal urges is missing - to protect the young so the species can survive.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Tulsa, Ok
Posts: 7
You all are absolutely correct. She is the sweetest girl in the world and would do anything for him or me and I can't even believe he would act this way towards her. I have a lot to think about for sure.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
So sorry you are going through all this.
I also really recommend Al-anon. It helped me so much. As well as 3d meetings, there are some lovely Al-anon speakers on You Tube which I found to be a great comfort.
It is difficult not to get dragged into the insanity.
My AH was the same when I have had family members pass away, he acted up to bring the attention and focus onto him.
None of this is personal to you, it is an A doing what A's do.
I also really recommend Al-anon. It helped me so much. As well as 3d meetings, there are some lovely Al-anon speakers on You Tube which I found to be a great comfort.
It is difficult not to get dragged into the insanity.
My AH was the same when I have had family members pass away, he acted up to bring the attention and focus onto him.
None of this is personal to you, it is an A doing what A's do.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
3 rehabs in 7 months? Multiple other rehab stays?
So his MO is to go to rehab when things get bad. I don't see anything indicative that he wants to get sober. As for your daughter, that behavior is nothing to do with alcoholism. He's jealous and vindictive of a child. I would happily say bye bye to that in my home.
So his MO is to go to rehab when things get bad. I don't see anything indicative that he wants to get sober. As for your daughter, that behavior is nothing to do with alcoholism. He's jealous and vindictive of a child. I would happily say bye bye to that in my home.
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