Cyranoak

His parents are doing the right thing as people who love him and want him to get better. If you let him back in you will be helping him to suffer longer.

My very, very experienced two cents.

aliciagr

Thank you all. God this is all so hard. The program director for his outpatient asked us to come in and he agreed because he thinks hes been doing good. But he director told us it would be a waste of money to send him to a resort style rehab when he has made little effort since starting the outpatient program, and didnt keep up the therapy prior to this. He said hes not in a place of acceptance and his heart and mind are not open. He does what's asked but thats all. He said it takes a huge change and willingness to recover.

But we dont know if its only because they dont want to refund his fees per their policy the will need to pay back 80% and plus this guy is very strong 12 step , tough love and none of us are much into it. But he also made good points and now we dont know what to do.

If we let him choose he will go away to rehab and draw money out of savings for what ins doesnt cover. If his parents won't help. Is that better?

I went to my group tonight. I dont fit in there too well. Most all the women are older and some have very strong views and I feel like they dont listen and help me as much as lecture. My one neweelr friend there gets it and said I have to do what I feel is best and pray its the right choice. They all feel like I should have filed the restraining order. But I decided no. If I feel afraid again I will.

Feel lost and confused. Appreciate your comments to me.

dandylion

Alicia....If I may ask..... the money that is in savings---does it belong to the two of you, together? Can you as k yourself how you will feel if he uses it for rehab and then blows it? (I am just asking).....

Another thing that I noticed....that he doesn't like AA....or "tough love".
The way I look at it..."Tough love" is a term that was coined outside of AA. I believe it was a concept that was all the rage, a while back. The term is thrown around a lot.....
Now, some might look at the 12steps, as you say, and think that it all sounds very "tough".....lol....
I would estimate that most active alcoholics hate the whole idea of AA.....until they are ready to surrender, because they are so desperate for help that they are grateful for anything that will help....
As it pointed out, in the article that I suggest you read...in the Classic Reading, in the stickies...."10 ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".....those that are ready, don't try to control and dictate their treatment.....

Alicia, the bottom li ne, is that he is going to wind up doing whatever he wants to do.....(remember that we can't control them..even if we want to)..

The question will always end up to being...what are YOU going to do......

I know that you feel good that you all are ;making the decision as "we"....and, I know that married couples, typically, discuss important decisions, together.....
But, ultimately, the decision is his.....because, in the end, the CONSEQUENCES will be his....whether it flies or doesn't fly.
And, you will have to be p repared to live your llife, either way it turns out......

I am just giving you some food for thought, here.....

dandylion

redatlanta

Its a fair assessment. He doesn't want to go, he is not trying. Don't sugar coat it with undermining the Director's assessment as wanting to not give back the money. I'm sure they have a long list of people to take his place.

I'd back out of being looped into his treatment. We have advised that not to be ugly to him. If you want to see if he is authentic you MUST let him handle this himself. If you get looped into, you also get blamed for it if it goes kaput.

I think he will need to go out of state for the ones he is excited about.


Just taking a stab here, are they on the beach, private rooms, and have lots of social activities like surfing? What is his metric for a rehab being "exciting"?

Its ironic isn't it that you all feel he is doing so well, and he thinks he is doing so well , and the director doesn't think he is doing well at all.

I'd pay attention to expert here.

Hawkeye13

I agree with Red.

I think you shouldn't sink your savings into this or try to "participate" in the decision.

He will blame you when he relapses, and you may need that money for something else when things go south.

The fact that he "hates" the program he's in is a very strong red flag.
When I quit, I would have cheerfully done anything to get off the booze
and keep my family in my life.

That's what I did, in fact, though I didn't have the options of paid treatment
so I sweated it out in my bedroom (alone) and never took a day off work.

I didn't expect, or ask, my spouse to fix what I had broken, and instead did it myself.
Today, our trust that I am, and will stay, sober is rebuilt and I take pride and comfort that I managed my
recovery on my own. It was mine to do.

hopeful4

I will just share about a friend I have. Her child goes to school with my child. They sent her husband off to a fancy rehab 4 times. Yes. Four. It used every bit of their savings. Low and behold, rehab did not work b/c he went and did the minimum amount of work to get through it.

Now, they are divorcing. They have spent all savings and equity on him, so now he is going after half of her 401k in the divorce, and may actually get it. He has spent his on attorney fees b/c he has gotten two DUI's after rehab.

I share this because I look back on the financial hit I took in my divorce after all I am my family spent on rehab and all the other legal crap, not to mention his long periods of not working, so I was supporting our household at that time.

You can still want him to be well, but I encourage you to listen to what they told you, and to protect yourself financially.

Tight hugs.

AnvilheadII

please remember, you can't BUY recovery. going to some fancy rehab with volleyball and scuba diving is more like camp for adults. if the addict isn't really interested in staying quit, it's a big waste of money. we had a low cost/government funded rehab here, Cedar Hills.......very basic, nothing fancy, focus was on how to keep addiction in remission.....and it had equally if not better a "success" rate than any other treatment facility in the area.

if one is TRULY ready and willing to get clean and sober, they'll go for the first available bed wherever it is and get started NOW. they'd make the most of Out Patient, or meetings, they'd be OPEN to any and all methods of recovery, instead of poo-poo'ing it all. they'd be like a drowning man, ready to grab at the first available life ring, not refusing them because they aren't the right color.

F50Lurker

I would ask, do you really not like those older women in your group, or are you not liking the messages they are giving you? They've got some wisdom you may be wise to pay attention to. Agree with all said above, this is his responsibility. Good luck, I know this is hard.

aliciagr

Is that one of the main reasons a lot of people say not to get involved with finding rehab only because they can and do turn it around and blame you? I think if it wasnt that it would be something else being blamed for anyway.

I have tried with the group. They dont particularly likeit when I ask questions and dont simply agree because they said so, or its simply supposed to be understood thats how things work. Plus most are older and seem set in their ways and we are in different stages of life maybe. Only one person is under 50 I dont dont think and we do talk out of the meetings but more as friends sharing same kind f burden. Havent been able to bring myself to attend a dv in person counseling session but on the phone she agreed drugs especially what he uses do cause many abuse complaints but that I'm not safe until he quits and gets help.

I'm trying hard to do the right things. I think he may have been drinking at work today but he said no. I think hes stopped the other drugs but I dont think he was drunk. If his parents fins him drinking they will probably make him leave.

Money is ours jointly. He has a right to spend it for treatment. People can't predict if something will work or not. You just try I think. If not then try again and hope he improves to avoid any benders. But I think his parents are agree being to help still. He is supposed to call back on Friday and finalize the plan. I'm scared of what's next. He did find out the rehab he wants has a week for family and he wants me to come and he hopes by the time its over. The rehab stay. Then we can be ok with his coming home.

I do think the outpatient man was on to him. He knew there was some violence and says he isnt even accepting of it when in full way. but I can't force him to go there and inpatient must offer a lot more intensive work than outpatient. I dont think it will be easy. If nothing changes then all I know is we cant live together if I dont feel safe. I'm not anywhere near feeling safe with him but so far no anger at all from him.