Co-dependency
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Co-dependency
Hi,
I've not been on the forum for a wee while, things have been better at home. I know my OH has an alcohol problem but she won't deal with it so I'm making sure it doesn't affect my life.
I wrote this post an hour ago and somehow lost it. Groan. However I'm struggling today and going to try and write it again even tho I know it's not connected to alcoholism, I hope you guys don't mind.
I think I'm co-dependent. I've been reading and I have some of the habits.
I don't think I'm going to re-write the whole post, I actually feel lighter having written it and lost it without anyone reading it so perhaps that is a good thing.
To summarise:
My oh and I have had words last night and she carried it on this morning ( i woke to a text continuing the discussion - not a great start)and I've had a difficult day subsequently, worrying about what was said (something very trivial) and concerned that my explanation of what I said has not been listened to. I tried to suggest we talk to clear the air but she said she wasn't upset just thought I'd been rude. I'm worried about how OH is feeling as she has been less friendly today than recently. I worry I'm being over sensitive, I worry I'm being insensitive. I'm concerned that I'm not allowed to feel proud of something I've done because it is attached to something OH started (our allotment) and I've not given her the glory but stolen it instead (that's from her but not in her words). She thinks I'm trying to steal her glory. Its very trivial, but it has had a massive impact on my state of being today.
I know it has been blown out of all proportion in my mind, it's so silly, I have apologised and told her I wasn't stealing her glory, how appreciative I am of all her graft and that I was just proud of myself for keeping our veggies alive, and transplanting them into our little allotment bed. It makes me sad because I look at the allotment now and think, why should I bother to care about it because I'm not allowed to be proud of the small things I've achieved, But then am I over reacting.
This is so stupid, and probably not the right place. Feel very low and sad today. I've apologised. Trouble is I don't think I should have had to apologise, I don't think I was rude, I didn't steal her glory. It makes me so angry when I apologise for things I don't think I need to apologise for. But maybe that is where I'm going wrong. Maybe I should be apologising and because I think I don't need to it makes me cross.
I'd love to hear her say, oh well done you kept all the veggies alive and planted them out for us...nope.
Somewhere in there is a post about co-dependency but it's also an offload. But I'm not going to say sorry, some one on here pointed out how I always apologise at the end of my posts. Like I'm apologising for my own feelings.
I've not been on the forum for a wee while, things have been better at home. I know my OH has an alcohol problem but she won't deal with it so I'm making sure it doesn't affect my life.
I wrote this post an hour ago and somehow lost it. Groan. However I'm struggling today and going to try and write it again even tho I know it's not connected to alcoholism, I hope you guys don't mind.
I think I'm co-dependent. I've been reading and I have some of the habits.
I don't think I'm going to re-write the whole post, I actually feel lighter having written it and lost it without anyone reading it so perhaps that is a good thing.
To summarise:
My oh and I have had words last night and she carried it on this morning ( i woke to a text continuing the discussion - not a great start)and I've had a difficult day subsequently, worrying about what was said (something very trivial) and concerned that my explanation of what I said has not been listened to. I tried to suggest we talk to clear the air but she said she wasn't upset just thought I'd been rude. I'm worried about how OH is feeling as she has been less friendly today than recently. I worry I'm being over sensitive, I worry I'm being insensitive. I'm concerned that I'm not allowed to feel proud of something I've done because it is attached to something OH started (our allotment) and I've not given her the glory but stolen it instead (that's from her but not in her words). She thinks I'm trying to steal her glory. Its very trivial, but it has had a massive impact on my state of being today.
I know it has been blown out of all proportion in my mind, it's so silly, I have apologised and told her I wasn't stealing her glory, how appreciative I am of all her graft and that I was just proud of myself for keeping our veggies alive, and transplanting them into our little allotment bed. It makes me sad because I look at the allotment now and think, why should I bother to care about it because I'm not allowed to be proud of the small things I've achieved, But then am I over reacting.
This is so stupid, and probably not the right place. Feel very low and sad today. I've apologised. Trouble is I don't think I should have had to apologise, I don't think I was rude, I didn't steal her glory. It makes me so angry when I apologise for things I don't think I need to apologise for. But maybe that is where I'm going wrong. Maybe I should be apologising and because I think I don't need to it makes me cross.
I'd love to hear her say, oh well done you kept all the veggies alive and planted them out for us...nope.
Somewhere in there is a post about co-dependency but it's also an offload. But I'm not going to say sorry, some one on here pointed out how I always apologise at the end of my posts. Like I'm apologising for my own feelings.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Absolutely you are in the right place. Please know we are here to support you through, no matter what feelings you are dealing with.
I would guess that the vast majority here are codies. I know I am. I am aware of it, I seek help for it, but it still creeps back into my life on a pretty regular basis.
Causes me major anxiety. Working on that.
Recognizing this issue within yourself really is the first step. Do you go to any face to face support group? Celebrate Recovery has a specific group for codependency, that helped me through some of my darkest days.
Keep posting, you are definitely not alone. We all understand!!
Many hugs!
I would guess that the vast majority here are codies. I know I am. I am aware of it, I seek help for it, but it still creeps back into my life on a pretty regular basis.
Causes me major anxiety. Working on that.
Recognizing this issue within yourself really is the first step. Do you go to any face to face support group? Celebrate Recovery has a specific group for codependency, that helped me through some of my darkest days.
Keep posting, you are definitely not alone. We all understand!!
Many hugs!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Hello Poppet, I've been wondering how you've been doing. Glad you are checking in.
Yes, you probably are codependent, that's what brings us here in the first place! The good thing is, it's not terminal, and there is hope!
That being said, you are living with an A - and heaven help us if we don't treat them like royalty and act as if they are the center of the universe! I can't believe for a minute that you actually expected some recognition?? From an A!?!? Sorry, trying to lighten things up.
This is where recovery from being a Codie is important, we don't need other's validation for our own happiness. If I looked to my AW for my happiness, I would have jumped off a bridge by now. We try, we hope, we pray, we ask - but we will never get. This is another part of the whole 'acceptance' thing.
It's okay to be sad, those feelings will happen a lot. You said had been okay for a while - well, that might mean you hadn't upset the apple cart. But then you go out and do something reasonable, and you didn't focus on HER!!! Don't worry about it - that's who/what she is.
Are YOU happy with what you did?? Good enough then!! Don't grovel at her feet apologising - she won't accept it anyway, because what you do will never be good enough.
And one more thing - this post is not stupid, you are not stupid, no need to apologise. You're a good person in a lousy situation.
C-Oh Dad
Yes, you probably are codependent, that's what brings us here in the first place! The good thing is, it's not terminal, and there is hope!
That being said, you are living with an A - and heaven help us if we don't treat them like royalty and act as if they are the center of the universe! I can't believe for a minute that you actually expected some recognition?? From an A!?!? Sorry, trying to lighten things up.
This is where recovery from being a Codie is important, we don't need other's validation for our own happiness. If I looked to my AW for my happiness, I would have jumped off a bridge by now. We try, we hope, we pray, we ask - but we will never get. This is another part of the whole 'acceptance' thing.
It's okay to be sad, those feelings will happen a lot. You said had been okay for a while - well, that might mean you hadn't upset the apple cart. But then you go out and do something reasonable, and you didn't focus on HER!!! Don't worry about it - that's who/what she is.
Are YOU happy with what you did?? Good enough then!! Don't grovel at her feet apologising - she won't accept it anyway, because what you do will never be good enough.
And one more thing - this post is not stupid, you are not stupid, no need to apologise. You're a good person in a lousy situation.
C-Oh Dad
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
That being said, you are living with an A - and heaven help us if we don't treat them like royalty and act as if they are the center of the universe! I can't believe for a minute that you actually expected some recognition?? From an A!?!? Sorry, trying to lighten things up.
This is where recovery from being a Codie is important, we don't need other's validation for our own happiness. If I looked to my AW for my happiness, I would have jumped off a bridge by now. We try, we hope, we pray, we ask - but we will never get. This is another part of the whole 'acceptance' thing.
C-Oh Dad
This is where recovery from being a Codie is important, we don't need other's validation for our own happiness. If I looked to my AW for my happiness, I would have jumped off a bridge by now. We try, we hope, we pray, we ask - but we will never get. This is another part of the whole 'acceptance' thing.
C-Oh Dad
Recent example....I kinda sorta expected a parade for my 90 days. From my family. And getting an atta-girl without huge pomp and circumstance was...underwhelming. Til I reframed the congrats I got as normal, enough, and supportive. Ha, guess this alcoholic does still thinkPlanet August rules all...but it trying to un-selfish myself! Thanks for the reminder and voice from the other side!
OP- you sound quite self-aware if struggling. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
This was floating around Facebook for a while and I was like - yup - a codie wrote that, and that was me.
"You never apologized for hurting me, but I've apologized 12 times for being upset about it."
Are you going to Alanon or are you in counseling? A counselor really helped me learn to ask for what I need - and helped me to weigh what I actually need vs if I am trying to get other people to make me feel better.
A feeling of rarely being validated is a pretty constant theme in here - so many of us were / are with alcoholics that cannot validate our feelings because they can't even see feelings much outside their own - and we know how they deal with those pesky things.
We can find validation and appreciation from ourselves and from other healthy people around us. Reasonable expectations of a relationship (and often our expectations are far beyond reasonable)often have to go out the window with an alcoholic. They often just aren't capable of living up to them.
The fact that you even see this right now is AMAZING. Keep working, keep reading and posting and maybe you can find some more outside support in ALanon or counseling. TOmorrow is a new day! (((HUGS!)))
"You never apologized for hurting me, but I've apologized 12 times for being upset about it."
Are you going to Alanon or are you in counseling? A counselor really helped me learn to ask for what I need - and helped me to weigh what I actually need vs if I am trying to get other people to make me feel better.
A feeling of rarely being validated is a pretty constant theme in here - so many of us were / are with alcoholics that cannot validate our feelings because they can't even see feelings much outside their own - and we know how they deal with those pesky things.
We can find validation and appreciation from ourselves and from other healthy people around us. Reasonable expectations of a relationship (and often our expectations are far beyond reasonable)often have to go out the window with an alcoholic. They often just aren't capable of living up to them.
I think I'm co-dependent. I've been reading and I have some of the habits.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Thank you for your support. The daft thing is I don't actually expect praise for what I do but since I've found myself having to be constantly grateful and appreciative towards someone else I find a little voice whispering "when did you get thanks and/or appreciation for doing x" . I shut that little voice up because I don't need to be thanked for cleaning the bog for example, as a grown up there are so many things you just do.
It sometimes feels that when I'm happy something will happen that will pull the rug out from under my feet, last night I was feEling happy and content and then. Wham! Brought down with a crash.
I monitor what is say, I worry if she's happy, her moods good or bad affect me. And I know all this is me, tried desperately today and let night to not be affected.
Going to read lots and I am very pleased with my veggie keeping skills and I am proud of myself. And that was, is, all I need. She just gets under my skin, and the string the discussion again at 6.30am was horrible, I just know she's not slept and been brooding.
It's annoying cos I know what I need to do, shouldn't do but dang it I can't seem to.
It sometimes feels that when I'm happy something will happen that will pull the rug out from under my feet, last night I was feEling happy and content and then. Wham! Brought down with a crash.
I monitor what is say, I worry if she's happy, her moods good or bad affect me. And I know all this is me, tried desperately today and let night to not be affected.
Going to read lots and I am very pleased with my veggie keeping skills and I am proud of myself. And that was, is, all I need. She just gets under my skin, and the string the discussion again at 6.30am was horrible, I just know she's not slept and been brooding.
It's annoying cos I know what I need to do, shouldn't do but dang it I can't seem to.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Poppet..For what it is worth.I think it is normal for a person to desire some level of appreciation and pride from the closest people in our lives their hard work and accomplishments.
And, it is a two way street.....
You know what they say...if you are fighting over the slippers on the floor....the slippers are just a symbol for a bigger issue that you are NOT talking about.....
dandylion
And, it is a two way street.....
You know what they say...if you are fighting over the slippers on the floor....the slippers are just a symbol for a bigger issue that you are NOT talking about.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
take a deep breath. understand that SHE is going to be upset no matter what you do. it's her MO. an argument over vegetable growing? it's just an excuse for HER to stay in the position of control, by use of her anger and drama - which heretofore kept you in the submissive position of trying to appease.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Thank you for all your words of support and letting me know I'm not mad or stupid or alone in this. Last night I had the best nights sleep in weeks I even slept through a thunderstorm and heavy rain. I feel rested.
I did start to see a therapist but I decided not to continue because I'd begun to take charge of myself and my feelings. I understand why now that I'm always confused, never knowing how I feel because I'm more intent on figuring out how she feels.
It's half term this week and I'm going to make the most of it with the kids and give myself some things too. My sewing, it makes me so happy and I'm not bad at it. I'm going to make time for it, it quells my discontent which is currently the only feeling I feel. Feel it that is good, discontent mentioned don't like but I wrote a list of why I feel discontent and I'm making my way through it.
My mum pointed me in the direction of the good girl gone bad. 4 out of the 5 things were me. I ll post the link in case it can help anyone else. Www.goodgirlrecovery.Com/ebook
Thak you, I'm so glad I stumbled upon this place. You're a great group of people
I did start to see a therapist but I decided not to continue because I'd begun to take charge of myself and my feelings. I understand why now that I'm always confused, never knowing how I feel because I'm more intent on figuring out how she feels.
It's half term this week and I'm going to make the most of it with the kids and give myself some things too. My sewing, it makes me so happy and I'm not bad at it. I'm going to make time for it, it quells my discontent which is currently the only feeling I feel. Feel it that is good, discontent mentioned don't like but I wrote a list of why I feel discontent and I'm making my way through it.
My mum pointed me in the direction of the good girl gone bad. 4 out of the 5 things were me. I ll post the link in case it can help anyone else. Www.goodgirlrecovery.Com/ebook
Thak you, I'm so glad I stumbled upon this place. You're a great group of people
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Thanks Steely that made me smile. Today was a good day, happily did jobs around house, enjoyed my kids company. I did some work in the garden and allotment, I won't let that enjoyment be taken away. I tried my hand at a sewing project, failed but enjoyed the process and will try again.
I feel so much better today.
I feel so much better today.
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