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-   -   Don't yell please :) (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/391881-dont-yell-please.html)

wanttobehealthy 05-26-2016 10:25 AM

Don't yell please :)
 
So... I know that Im ususally one to say "give it to me straight" but please don't yell at me for this....

Give it to me straight still (just temper it a little bc Im at the end of my rope, literally)...

So, I've been out of work for days at a time lately at the hospital with DD having horrible testing done, albeit necessary.

Thanksfully we have been referred to one of the nations best Children's Hospitals in my region so DD is well cared for...

Anyway, I have not asked xAH to take time off and come down, I have not asked for ANYTHING of him. I have however, notified him factually about what's been scheduled, as I am required to per the parenting plan.

I have told him when and where appts were so he could not allege (as he has) that I kept him from attending.

I have not followed up more that that with him.

And (no surprise to you all I am sure) he has not replied to any of it. He has not asked how DD is. He has not asked anything. He has not called to talk to DD, offered her any comfort, inquired, etc...

He has shown LESS interest in his own child than I could have EVER imagined.

At the same time, he has communicated with me about being angry that his "dictated" (his word) time to have the kids overnight this weekend interferes with a concert he bought tix for, he has said that he wants me to contact my friend (whose daughter JUST DIED tragically) to get her to help get some articles removed from a local paper about his arrests/firing....

I know I should expect him to be self-absorbed... I know that...

But internally, his lack of giving any **** at all about our child, is breaking my heart... It is making a hard situation 1000000% harder.

I have friends and family and strangers around the community being kind and compassionate and genuinely concerned for my DD and her own DAD doesn't care.

Like I said, I know, I know, this is not a surprise... I should not let it upset me...

But this is hard.

And he's done this, time and time again with the girls and each time, is all apologies about how it'll be different next time and it NEVER is.

It's hurting me deeply as a mom to see that the man I opted to have kids with has no soul, no care for his own kids.... I feel heartsick about it...

So.. I just needed to vent...

Thanks for listening-- and I know, it's dumb for me to let it upset me.... I know....

Liveitwell 05-26-2016 10:30 AM

I feel ya-my ex is the same way and I look at him the same. So sad I opted to have children with him. Vent all you need! Your ex is a selfish jerk with major issues. Hugs, sweet friend.

suki44883 05-26-2016 10:45 AM

I am so sorry you are dealing with all this on top of everything else. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but eventually, his actions regarding these issues won't even bother you. You'll just shake your head and go on.

The most important thing is that your daughter knows YOU love her and are willing to do whatever is necessary to help and protect her. Her eventual feelings about her dad will be formed by the way he has acted, is acting, and will act in the future. None of that will be your fault.

hopeful4 05-26-2016 11:27 AM

It's absolutely not dumb. It's heartbreaking to see your child be shorted on the love she should be receiving from her own father.

There is nothing worse than seeing your child hurting, and to not be able to do a thing about it.

Tight hugs. You are such a good momma, and that is all you can do. Keep on being you!

CentralOhioDad 05-26-2016 11:43 AM

Yeah, I want to yell at you for something....

GREAT JOB BEING AN AWESOME MOM!!!

There, I'm done!

AnvilheadII 05-26-2016 11:45 AM

why would we yell at YOU because HE is a complete douche bag????? i am so sorry, it is understandably confusing and heartbreaking. you give that precious girl extra hugs!!! :grouphug:

dandylion 05-26-2016 11:53 AM

wantobehealthy.....my children's father had the same cold heart......
It became so much easier when I was finally able to completely accept the fact, that, no matter how much it sucked--that he was flawed, all the way to the bone...and, that he would never change and that I might as well never expect anything from him, again......

I am sorry that he is the way he is....and, I am hoping for a good outcome for your daughter....

dandylion

firebolt 05-26-2016 11:59 AM

Yeah, it's not dumb to be upset about him being a flippant jerk about his daughter. I'd say it's pretty normal, reasonable - all that.

AND - his dicky actions are no reflection of you.

(((HUGS))) Poor guy doesn't even know what a great family he's missing out on.

atalose 05-26-2016 12:01 PM

What do they say about denial and peeling it back like an onion, a little at a time.

Where we can some what kind of justify their behavior towards us it’s hard to imagine their uncaring behavior to their children……………but reality says………they just do it no one is exempt from an addicts behaviors, no one.
We can QTIP (quit – taking – it – personally) but how to try and tell a child that?? That’s the real hard part.

((hugs))

Hangnbyathread 05-26-2016 12:15 PM

First. You're doing the absolute right things by having a trail of effort to keep him up to date about it all. His lack of response will bode well for you in the end.

Second. Consider viewing yourself as a mom that is a widow. You lost a spouse. You are going to do what is right by your kids because it is the right thing for them. But you will be figuring out how to do it alone.

You will be amazed at how the strength will come welling up from within in places you didn't know you had.

Don't worry...you got this!!!

wanttobehealthy 05-26-2016 12:27 PM

I just think it is dumb for me to be upset that he is being precisely who I expect him to be...

Each time there is some event that he ought not be a douchebag about, he raises the douchery bar just that much higher and strives for all new heights...

Im agitated and annoyed with myself for being upset by his doucery bc really, what else should I expect....

Sigh...

Usually I can feel annoyed, vent and let it go...

But I feel like emotionally I am barely holding it together and his **** show behavior as a "dad" (more like sperm donor) is just pushing me over the deep end...

FireSprite 05-26-2016 12:28 PM

No yelling here; of COURSE this bothers you tremendously! ((((((hugs)))))))

theuncertainty 05-26-2016 12:32 PM

I completely understand the feeling of dumbfounded, angry bewilderment, WTBH. I don't think it's dumb to let it upset you. I think it's a natural response to seeing the level of deception an abusive partner uses in his approach to all relationships. And you have every right to feel hurt and as you process it all.

I've been thinking about this and its impact on DS a lot. Honestly, I've been trying really hard to stop beating myself up repeatedly on the choice I made for father for DS. But, I try to remember that it's not my fault that AXH is the way he is. I never would have thought for even a minute that he would be the type of parent he's ended up being. He let me believe we were completely on the same page as far as raising DS and how involved we both were. I was astounded at the 180 he seemed to do.

Just because I understand that AXH isn't capable of being, or willing to be (?), the dad DS needs and deserves, doesn't mean I can't be hurt by that. Especially when I see how it affects DS.

dandylion 05-26-2016 12:35 PM

wtbh....when you feel yourself coming apart at the seams....try to do something different, in that moment...like go for a walk or a run ....or, take a shower, or do some slow deep breathing...or some meditation, or do my wailing wall exercise (the best!).....
That can give you some relief and help you externalize the negative energy....

dandylion

wanttobehealthy 05-26-2016 12:40 PM

Im at work... And it's a **** show here too... So everything is just impacting me hard today...

LexieCat 05-26-2016 01:29 PM

OTOH, "douchery-bar" might just go viral.

I think I used to hang out in some douchery bars, come to think of it...

dandylion 05-26-2016 02:05 PM

:lmao....douchery bar.....

Liveitwell 05-26-2016 02:37 PM

I think I know many people that hang out there!

Mango blast 05-26-2016 03:26 PM

I've recently been reminded that I often expect an active alcoholic to behave in some other way than "an active alcoholic". In active addiction, the lack of communication, fears and illogical behavior are exactly what can be expected. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful.

I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.

Thankfully, I can bring a precious gift to my children's lives. A sane mother. Congrats on giving that priceless gift to your family's, also.

Prayers for your DD and family. I'm sorry she (and you) are going through this.

Liveitwell 05-26-2016 05:20 PM

Mom. So much more to that word than we know-you are showing your kids exactly what a damn good parent is-and he's showing them the opposite. So incredibly proud of you. Proud !!!


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