God this SUX!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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God this SUX!!!!
So not a shock but AXH is back to drinking and back to the hospital, missed his court appearance for 2 DUI's Friday morning, and then drove himself drunk to the hospital Friday night 
Apparently he is still putting me as his emergency contact on all of his info, because the lawyer called me Friday to find out where he was since he wasn't at court, and the hospital called me for consent to treat on Saturday since he was too out of it to give consent for anything.
So glad I'm divorced, so glad he's not living in my house.
So now I'm asking for advice, and I would prefer that people didn't just react and say forget about him, move on etc. We have all been in the place where our codependency has not allowed us to just walk away.
My question is, are the alcoholics in our lives so bad that they deserve to die alone? They were good people at one time, or perhaps they are good people now just drowning in the disease of addiction. Does anyone deserve to die alone? The reason that I'm asking is I see the inevitable, it's going to happen, it's just a matter of when. I'm at peace with the fact that I did all I could and he can't beat this and he is going to die. If the hospital calls and says he's coding and dying, do I let him die alone? no one else will go, I know that for a fact, will I be able to live with myself if I know that the last moments of his life were spent in fear and alone?
Apparently he is still putting me as his emergency contact on all of his info, because the lawyer called me Friday to find out where he was since he wasn't at court, and the hospital called me for consent to treat on Saturday since he was too out of it to give consent for anything.
So glad I'm divorced, so glad he's not living in my house.
So now I'm asking for advice, and I would prefer that people didn't just react and say forget about him, move on etc. We have all been in the place where our codependency has not allowed us to just walk away.
My question is, are the alcoholics in our lives so bad that they deserve to die alone? They were good people at one time, or perhaps they are good people now just drowning in the disease of addiction. Does anyone deserve to die alone? The reason that I'm asking is I see the inevitable, it's going to happen, it's just a matter of when. I'm at peace with the fact that I did all I could and he can't beat this and he is going to die. If the hospital calls and says he's coding and dying, do I let him die alone? no one else will go, I know that for a fact, will I be able to live with myself if I know that the last moments of his life were spent in fear and alone?
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Join Date: May 2010
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It's so hard. Does anyone "deserve" to die alone. Do you "deserve" the mental and physical anguish that will come with watching someone make that choice? It's almost impossible to say to someone what to do, or what they would even do in the same situation.
For myself, I had to get away from my X, but he was not in a life and death situation. However, I feel that over time, I was going to have a nervous breakdown, was already suffering high blood pressure, etc. as a result of all the stress this was bringing to my own life. And my kids need a stable, healthy parent. I do not deserve to suffer his consequences.
So in my opinion, it's ok to love and care from afar to save yourself.
Of course, that does not make it hurt any less.
Hugs, many hugs to you.
For myself, I had to get away from my X, but he was not in a life and death situation. However, I feel that over time, I was going to have a nervous breakdown, was already suffering high blood pressure, etc. as a result of all the stress this was bringing to my own life. And my kids need a stable, healthy parent. I do not deserve to suffer his consequences.
So in my opinion, it's ok to love and care from afar to save yourself.
Of course, that does not make it hurt any less.
Hugs, many hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It's so, so sad. I wish I had some wisdom to offer.
I do hope that you, your needs, your sanity, your peace and your heart are the most important things to you. Not his wants / needs. Whatever you do - be kind to yourself and know that we are here.
(((HUGS)))
I do hope that you, your needs, your sanity, your peace and your heart are the most important things to you. Not his wants / needs. Whatever you do - be kind to yourself and know that we are here.
(((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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You are the only one who can answer these questions, my friend. At this point, it is solely a matter of what you feel is the right thing to do, and what you can or cannot live with.
For my part, no, I don't believe anyone deserves to die alone. People do, and often it is a consequence of their choices in life and that is extremely unfortunate. I know that I am going to do my darndest not to end up like that myself, but I can't make a crusade out of preventing someone else's fate. Your situation is quite immediate, and sadly, predictable. No one with a lick of sense is going to judge you for being at someone's side when they ending their journey on this earth. Likewise, no one will judge you if you choose to completely end your relationship with someone who caused you, and continues to cause you such pain. Sending hugs, strength and courage.
For my part, no, I don't believe anyone deserves to die alone. People do, and often it is a consequence of their choices in life and that is extremely unfortunate. I know that I am going to do my darndest not to end up like that myself, but I can't make a crusade out of preventing someone else's fate. Your situation is quite immediate, and sadly, predictable. No one with a lick of sense is going to judge you for being at someone's side when they ending their journey on this earth. Likewise, no one will judge you if you choose to completely end your relationship with someone who caused you, and continues to cause you such pain. Sending hugs, strength and courage.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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My second husband had a near-death experience. I left when he went back to drinking, after going through all of that.
Here's the thing, there's no telling how long dying from drinking will take. It could be months or years. Somehow my ex is still alive almost 20 years later. I have no idea how many trips to the hospital he may have had. I do know that if I had known, and had rushed to his bedside every time, it would have ripped my heart out every time.
If he's "coding" you wouldn't make it in time, anyway.
As noted above, it's a very personal decision. But you didn't leave him to be cruel, you did it for your own peace of mind. I think you may be overestimating how important it is for someone dying in a state of delirium, or drifting in and out of consciousness, to have someone bedside.
Here's the thing, there's no telling how long dying from drinking will take. It could be months or years. Somehow my ex is still alive almost 20 years later. I have no idea how many trips to the hospital he may have had. I do know that if I had known, and had rushed to his bedside every time, it would have ripped my heart out every time.
If he's "coding" you wouldn't make it in time, anyway.
As noted above, it's a very personal decision. But you didn't leave him to be cruel, you did it for your own peace of mind. I think you may be overestimating how important it is for someone dying in a state of delirium, or drifting in and out of consciousness, to have someone bedside.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Drowning people un-intentionally attempt to bring down the rescuer.
This is a very personal decision that only you could make. Yes addicts/alcoholics who don’t chose to stop will most likely die from the disease or from the consequences of their choices like driving drunk.
What are his wishes for medical treatment? Does he have a living will or is this another heartfelt decision that has fallen in to your lap? Besides addiction what other health issues does he have?
I would suggest you take this one incident at a time because he could live another month or year or 10 years.
When the thinking begins to go from him dying alone to him being alone in the hospital then alone after he is released ……….you’ll know you are spiraling down into the cyclone of codependency.
This is a very personal decision that only you could make. Yes addicts/alcoholics who don’t chose to stop will most likely die from the disease or from the consequences of their choices like driving drunk.
What are his wishes for medical treatment? Does he have a living will or is this another heartfelt decision that has fallen in to your lap? Besides addiction what other health issues does he have?
I would suggest you take this one incident at a time because he could live another month or year or 10 years.
When the thinking begins to go from him dying alone to him being alone in the hospital then alone after he is released ……….you’ll know you are spiraling down into the cyclone of codependency.
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
Sorry to read all of this. I say do what YOU have/need to do to be at peace with this after the fact. Only you can make this decision for you. Your heart will guide you.
Hugs to you.
C-O Dad
Hugs to you.
C-O Dad
I really see grieving as a super important part of being healthy and being with him when he dies could be part of grieving. On the other hand, not being there might be part of taking care of yourself and protecting yourself from a super painful situation.
You are so welcome to my clear-as-mud insight!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Well my story, just like everyone else's is long and sordid. I am a medical professional so I am very acutely aware of what his prognosis is at this point. Had he stayed home on Friday instead of driving himself drunk to the hospital he would have died alone at home. He arrived at the hospital in severe respiratory distress, dangerously low glucose levels, low hemoglobin, low platelets and having chest pains. They had to put in a central line to give him medicines to maintain his blood pressure, and stabilize all of the other precipitating factors.
It is true that one day he may just die alone in his room by himself, which sickens me, but I'm not prepared to move him into my home to avoid that conclusion. But I also know that they will do everything they can if he makes it to the hospital, he is still a full code, so trust me their are many many grey areas between life and death when someone makes it to the hospital. It is within these areas that I find the division in my heart vs my brain. So saying if he codes that I won't make it to the hospital, in the best case scenario that is true then the decision is removed from me, but as a full code, there is a good chance that they will get his heart started again, and then the decisions must be made.
And one of the saddest things I see in my daily employ is people that have created situations for themselves where they are suffering alone, dying alone. I honestly don't know how I will feel after the fact, and I know that know one can answer that for me. I got out cause I couldn't stand the chaos, and realized the hopelessness of the situation, I just wouldn't want my dog to die alone, how could I live with myself if that happened to the person that I loved with all my heart?
It is true that one day he may just die alone in his room by himself, which sickens me, but I'm not prepared to move him into my home to avoid that conclusion. But I also know that they will do everything they can if he makes it to the hospital, he is still a full code, so trust me their are many many grey areas between life and death when someone makes it to the hospital. It is within these areas that I find the division in my heart vs my brain. So saying if he codes that I won't make it to the hospital, in the best case scenario that is true then the decision is removed from me, but as a full code, there is a good chance that they will get his heart started again, and then the decisions must be made.
And one of the saddest things I see in my daily employ is people that have created situations for themselves where they are suffering alone, dying alone. I honestly don't know how I will feel after the fact, and I know that know one can answer that for me. I got out cause I couldn't stand the chaos, and realized the hopelessness of the situation, I just wouldn't want my dog to die alone, how could I live with myself if that happened to the person that I loved with all my heart?
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Well, with all due respect to you and other members of the medical profession, we had doctors telling us he might not live through the near-death experience that I was there for. Also when he had gotten past the "might die this week" that he would CERTAINLY need a liver transplant. And it turned out, when he had the biopsy several weeks later, that he had EARLY cirrhosis, and would be OK IF he stopped drinking for good.
If you're divorced, I don't see how you are going to be able to make any life/death DNR decisions on his behalf, unless he's executed a durable medical power of attorney.
It's one thing when you know for SURE that someone is dying, and it's another to rush to the hospital every time they get really drunk and require lifesaving medical treatment. That actually CAN happen repeatedly.
You don't have to keep watching. You can ask to be removed as the "emergency contact." I just think it's going to be very hard to live your own life if you're at risk of having it disrupted every time an event like this happens,
If you're divorced, I don't see how you are going to be able to make any life/death DNR decisions on his behalf, unless he's executed a durable medical power of attorney.
It's one thing when you know for SURE that someone is dying, and it's another to rush to the hospital every time they get really drunk and require lifesaving medical treatment. That actually CAN happen repeatedly.
You don't have to keep watching. You can ask to be removed as the "emergency contact." I just think it's going to be very hard to live your own life if you're at risk of having it disrupted every time an event like this happens,
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I have to say, we always die alone.
I have no family and I'm single. I don't fear dying alone - although I do worry about my cats after I go, lol. It is going to happen, one way or the other. I've accepted it. It used to bother me, now I just accept that it happens even to happily married people. My father was married with two kids at home and died at age 41 while mowing the grass in his own yard in the neighborhood. My mother was happily married for 25 years and died in her bed, sleeping alone. My neighbor who had four kids and ten grandkids who all loved her dearly died in the hospital and no family members were there at the moment. The stories are many.
Your fear is your fear. Even if I had six people living with me, there is every possibility I could die alone. None of us has someone with us 24/7, do we? Once I'm dead, I won't care very much.
The fear is your fear. Are you afraid to die alone? I think that may be a belief that is worth examining. It is a fear that is not rational, since there is no way to ensure that doesn't happen - for any of us.
I have no family and I'm single. I don't fear dying alone - although I do worry about my cats after I go, lol. It is going to happen, one way or the other. I've accepted it. It used to bother me, now I just accept that it happens even to happily married people. My father was married with two kids at home and died at age 41 while mowing the grass in his own yard in the neighborhood. My mother was happily married for 25 years and died in her bed, sleeping alone. My neighbor who had four kids and ten grandkids who all loved her dearly died in the hospital and no family members were there at the moment. The stories are many.
Your fear is your fear. Even if I had six people living with me, there is every possibility I could die alone. None of us has someone with us 24/7, do we? Once I'm dead, I won't care very much.
The fear is your fear. Are you afraid to die alone? I think that may be a belief that is worth examining. It is a fear that is not rational, since there is no way to ensure that doesn't happen - for any of us.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Lexiecat, yes it can happen repeatedly, my AXH has had 45 hospitalizations in the past 5 years, to the tune of 1.9 million dollars, so I'm keenly aware. The past 10 episodes I didn't even visit yet alone "rush" to be by his side. Even with this latest episode I didn't go to the hospital until 3 days after admission just to get the low down directly from the docs, I actually haven't spoken or visited him directly. I'm not talking about his day to day bulls*** health problems, of which he has many. I'm talking about the possibility of "THAT" phone call. I need to think through all of my options now, prior to that possible moment. I need to have peace in my brain about what I'm going to do. That's why I'm here, to see what people who have been in my circumstance have chosen to do.
And yes even post divorce he has asked me to be his Healthcare Power of Attorney, his next of kin is his daughter who is to young to have to make life and death decisions. I didn't stop loving just because he is a raging alcoholic. I just removed myself from the immediate day to day chaos.
And yes even post divorce he has asked me to be his Healthcare Power of Attorney, his next of kin is his daughter who is to young to have to make life and death decisions. I didn't stop loving just because he is a raging alcoholic. I just removed myself from the immediate day to day chaos.
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I didn't stop caring about my ex, either. I don't know that caring/loving someone requires the burden of making life/death decisions on their behalf. It is possible to execute your own living will with detailed directives about what circumstances warrant what level of treatment. I think it's rather unfair to put that burden on someone else unless they have a personal stake in what happens. Are you really in a better position to make that decision than he is, with the assistance of a lawyer or social worker?
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i hate that you still feel RESPONSIBLE for this man.....and the anguish that creates for you. NO ONE here is suggesting you yank the plug yourself or completely devoid yourself of caring.......but the overriding concern is for what is best for YOU. if you are his H/C POA AND his Emergency Contact, you remain 100% attached to everything that happens to him......
this man may be one of those alcoholics who are truly beyond "saving" - not having the capacity to seize sobriety and maintain it. which means he probably will die from the disease......
my mother was one of those who not only didn't TRY sobriety, she didn't WANT IT. she drank and drank, until the pain finally stopped. whatever that pain was? dunno. as her only child i was never privy to the inner workings of her mind, her hopes or her despair. it was her liver that gave out.....and i was by her side during those horrid days and was holding her hand when she passed. she had long since been in a coma and i don't know that my being there mattered to HER, but it did matter to me. she struggled for her last few breaths and i just said, Mom, it's ok to quit fighting now and just let go.
this man may be one of those alcoholics who are truly beyond "saving" - not having the capacity to seize sobriety and maintain it. which means he probably will die from the disease......
my mother was one of those who not only didn't TRY sobriety, she didn't WANT IT. she drank and drank, until the pain finally stopped. whatever that pain was? dunno. as her only child i was never privy to the inner workings of her mind, her hopes or her despair. it was her liver that gave out.....and i was by her side during those horrid days and was holding her hand when she passed. she had long since been in a coma and i don't know that my being there mattered to HER, but it did matter to me. she struggled for her last few breaths and i just said, Mom, it's ok to quit fighting now and just let go.
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Such a bull$hit disease...drinking to end a pain, suffering...and taking hostages and causing so much pain to others. F alcoholism and enablers-that's my 100% grown up, un PC motto today 
I agree with others, friend...truly, you staying as the POA, emergency contact, etc just keeps you roped in to crazy. And you don't need or want that.
Anvil-thank you for sharing your memories with your mother....
I agree with others, friend...truly, you staying as the POA, emergency contact, etc just keeps you roped in to crazy. And you don't need or want that.
Anvil-thank you for sharing your memories with your mother....
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I think the word "deserving" is what is throwing me off.
Like the others, I see a difference between being left alone at a critical point in life as a result of natural consequences/one's behavior/choices vs. being heartlessly "left" alone to die.
To me, using words like "deserving" is much more about your Guilt, Responsibility or Obligation - not so much about him at all. In the end you absolutely have to do what is right for YOU & no one should judge you either way.
Another perspective to think about is if he were to pass away & you were unaware & literally could not be there, what would your first thought be upon hearing that he's already passed?
Like the others, I see a difference between being left alone at a critical point in life as a result of natural consequences/one's behavior/choices vs. being heartlessly "left" alone to die.
To me, using words like "deserving" is much more about your Guilt, Responsibility or Obligation - not so much about him at all. In the end you absolutely have to do what is right for YOU & no one should judge you either way.
Another perspective to think about is if he were to pass away & you were unaware & literally could not be there, what would your first thought be upon hearing that he's already passed?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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I feel bad ( read gut wrenching in pain) for kids that are abducted and left to die heartlessly alone bc of a crazy person....I do not however feel badly for someone dying alone bc of awful choices he made....
I too have this fear-my ex would talk about "wanting to know what it's all about" and other crazy stuff ( literally crazy-delusional) and I don't think he truly ever wants to get sober-he could, but that would require a complete reprogramming of him and rewiring and a lot of hard work-would probably also shatter his enmeshed relationships with his enablers, so , more than likely he will not ever choose sobriety-he will probably wind up dead as well. Having read your responses and really thought about it, if it were today, I would not see him ever again, dead or alive. He's turned into a monster and I would have no guilt about never seeing him again.
Please keep posting-we are here and listening!!
I too have this fear-my ex would talk about "wanting to know what it's all about" and other crazy stuff ( literally crazy-delusional) and I don't think he truly ever wants to get sober-he could, but that would require a complete reprogramming of him and rewiring and a lot of hard work-would probably also shatter his enmeshed relationships with his enablers, so , more than likely he will not ever choose sobriety-he will probably wind up dead as well. Having read your responses and really thought about it, if it were today, I would not see him ever again, dead or alive. He's turned into a monster and I would have no guilt about never seeing him again.
Please keep posting-we are here and listening!!
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I am not an alcoholic. I am not an addict of any type either now or prior to now.
I may die alone.
If that's the case, nobody but me did that.
It has nothing to do with you.
P.S. You might want to take legal steps necessary to have your name removed from any documents or organizations that are forced to call you based on outdated information.
It may be as simple as placing a legal ad in a recognized publication or it may be a bit more complex. But it won't be a life draining effort or event. Courts see this all the time. It is usually a matter of filing out some simple forms and following pre-printed boiler p;ate instructions they give you. They don't wish to make this a burden to any parties.
I may die alone.
If that's the case, nobody but me did that.
It has nothing to do with you.
P.S. You might want to take legal steps necessary to have your name removed from any documents or organizations that are forced to call you based on outdated information.
It may be as simple as placing a legal ad in a recognized publication or it may be a bit more complex. But it won't be a life draining effort or event. Courts see this all the time. It is usually a matter of filing out some simple forms and following pre-printed boiler p;ate instructions they give you. They don't wish to make this a burden to any parties.
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