So Lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 1
So Lost
Hello everyone, I hope you're all doing much better than I right now. I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'm in my later 20's, and both of my parents are users, but my father is the problem right now. I think I was basically raised as an enabler, but I've somehow managed to stay clean myself, for the most part anyway, but I keep allowing my father back into my life. Not only my life, but my home. I'm one course away from graduating with my bachelor's, so I'm really really trying to make a better life for myself, but I guess I'm an idiot for caring. Anyway, my dad's a chronic relapsing alcoholic, and when he drinks he turns very mentally abusive, but physically abusive as well. About 5 months ago he got out of rehab, again, and had no where to go. So after much stress, I reluctantly allowed him to come temporarily stay with me. Things went OK for a while, then he has to have neck surgery, couldn't find a job, etc., and started drinking again. I first snapped out of my denial during finals, so I basically ignored him to the best of my ability for that time, but as always, things got worse. He finally actually stopped drinking for the day I participated in graduation, as a "present", but went right van to it within days, if even. You see, I have a lot, and I mean a lot of horrible emotions built up over my lifetime of dealing with him, so I've been on the verge of a breakdown for a while. But yesterday, as he was sitting there on my couch, on my computer, on my Internet, I went off and told him that I hated him and wanted him out of my life. I don't hate him, but I hate him drunk, and he continues to choose alcohol above anything and everything else, so I wasn't sure what else to do. After a pretty heated argument, he eventually left in his vehicle. At this point I'm worried about him and myself, because I never know what he'll do, so I ended up going to a friends house a couple hours away, with my cat just in case. After leaving I get a call from my dad saying "I need your help", but then he hung up and wouldn't answer, so after talking to my friend again, I continued out of town. Later I found out that my dad's car broke down in the middle of nowhere, but that's all he could tell me, and how /! $&ed he was, but I still stayed with my friend, not that there was anything I could've done anyway. Hours pass and he let's me know he got a ride back to my place, and just wants to sleep things off... I've heard that before! But, somewhat thankfully, there was a tornado warning, so it wasn't safe to drive and "he understood"... but then apparently my damn landlord let my father back into my home! So here I am, so with my friend, unable to sleep, and I have to leave in the morning, but I'm scared about what will happen, and I don't know what to do. I'm going to try contacting a few people from A A for ideas, but now that he doesn't even have a vehicle. . Not to mention that most of his stuff is in his vehicle. I don't have money, and the options I have for getting away from there permanently are few to none. My mom is in jail or I'd ask her. I'm just spent, emotionally, physically, everything, and... yeah. Any advice would help. I normally don't write this poorly, but I'm on my phone and, again, a mess. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
I'm so sorry for all that has brought you to this point, but I am glad you are here! Congrats on your degree! I finally got my bachelor's last weekend as well! (I am in my mid 30's, so you are WAY ahead of me!) You will find so much support and wisdom from all of the members here. I don't know how I would have got to the point I am in my life without the support I receive on this site. Keep coming back and do lots of reading!
Start by reading the stickies on the top of the page. Next, I would read the book Codependent No More. This gave me the insight I needed to figure out what was "wrong" with me that I would continue to let an abusive alcoholic back into my life.
It seems like you have had a difficult life, however, these experiences can be looked at as a "positive" character building experience, as long as you can let go of the guilt and displaced responsibilities in your life. I understand that you feel that your father has nowhere else to go, but take a step back for a second...
Where would your father live if you were to suddenly get into a fatal accident? Not that any of us want this to happen, but the point is that he is an adult and would figure it out. He doesn't "need" you to take care of him, though he may manipulate you into thinking that you are all he has left. He would figure out some place to go, even if it is a homeless shelter, he would figure it out because he would be forced to. I know you feel like you have an obligation to take care of your father, but in reality, this is only a façade. He wants you to think that and will try to make you feel guilty if you deny him.
I would be super pissed at my landlord if he let someone in my place without speaking to me about it first, no matter who it is. It is no besides the point, as he is there. Just him being there is disrespecting the boundaries you clearly set when you kicked him out. It is time that you firmly tell him not to come back, and what the consequences will be if he tries to come back, like calling the police to make him leave.
You are in a position where you can do ANYTHING with your life! It is yours to own! Maybe do a job search in a state that you have always dreamed of living, just to break free from this cycle. What is important to realize, is that even if you do move, you need to get help for yourself. You have experienced a lot of trauma, which should not be dismissed, as it could affect you for the rest of your life. It is time for YOU to get healthy and have your "rehab".
Many of us here have lived our lives for others, especially those who are alcoholics. We have lost our identities and are slowly, but surely, learning who we are, what we stand for, and what we will not put up with from anyone. We are learning to have the self-respect that is necessary to live our lives free from the bondage of unhealthy relationships.
Even if alcohol/chemical dependency is not a factor in your future intimate relationships, you will bring your personal injuries from growing up with alcoholism in your childhood/early adulthood, into that relationship, unless you choose to get help for yourself and heal. You will also likely unconsciously seek out relationships with people who "need" you, which will only perpetuate the destruction of your self-esteem. Get yourself healthy, so that you will attract healthy people into your life.
Please, keep coming back to SR with any questions or for support. Read as much as you can about alcoholism and there is also a forum for adult children of alcoholics and support groups available for you as well. Maybe check out some al-anon meetings or adult children meetings in your area as well. I have found a lot of help from them, as well as from SR.
Hugs to you...
Start by reading the stickies on the top of the page. Next, I would read the book Codependent No More. This gave me the insight I needed to figure out what was "wrong" with me that I would continue to let an abusive alcoholic back into my life.
It seems like you have had a difficult life, however, these experiences can be looked at as a "positive" character building experience, as long as you can let go of the guilt and displaced responsibilities in your life. I understand that you feel that your father has nowhere else to go, but take a step back for a second...
Where would your father live if you were to suddenly get into a fatal accident? Not that any of us want this to happen, but the point is that he is an adult and would figure it out. He doesn't "need" you to take care of him, though he may manipulate you into thinking that you are all he has left. He would figure out some place to go, even if it is a homeless shelter, he would figure it out because he would be forced to. I know you feel like you have an obligation to take care of your father, but in reality, this is only a façade. He wants you to think that and will try to make you feel guilty if you deny him.
I would be super pissed at my landlord if he let someone in my place without speaking to me about it first, no matter who it is. It is no besides the point, as he is there. Just him being there is disrespecting the boundaries you clearly set when you kicked him out. It is time that you firmly tell him not to come back, and what the consequences will be if he tries to come back, like calling the police to make him leave.
You are in a position where you can do ANYTHING with your life! It is yours to own! Maybe do a job search in a state that you have always dreamed of living, just to break free from this cycle. What is important to realize, is that even if you do move, you need to get help for yourself. You have experienced a lot of trauma, which should not be dismissed, as it could affect you for the rest of your life. It is time for YOU to get healthy and have your "rehab".
Many of us here have lived our lives for others, especially those who are alcoholics. We have lost our identities and are slowly, but surely, learning who we are, what we stand for, and what we will not put up with from anyone. We are learning to have the self-respect that is necessary to live our lives free from the bondage of unhealthy relationships.
Even if alcohol/chemical dependency is not a factor in your future intimate relationships, you will bring your personal injuries from growing up with alcoholism in your childhood/early adulthood, into that relationship, unless you choose to get help for yourself and heal. You will also likely unconsciously seek out relationships with people who "need" you, which will only perpetuate the destruction of your self-esteem. Get yourself healthy, so that you will attract healthy people into your life.
Please, keep coming back to SR with any questions or for support. Read as much as you can about alcoholism and there is also a forum for adult children of alcoholics and support groups available for you as well. Maybe check out some al-anon meetings or adult children meetings in your area as well. I have found a lot of help from them, as well as from SR.
Hugs to you...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Bianca,
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this at what should be a happy and promising time. Caretaker has some great suggestions for the long term. For the short term--how to deal with this specific situation--I have a few thoughts.
I'd suggest first off to contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate there. Depending on the law where you live, you might be entitled to a protective order that would require your father to leave immediately and to have no contact with you. In most jurisdictions, "domestic violence" includes ALL household members (which he is, even if he's not on the lease), and it often includes forms of abuse that aren't physical.
If you're not eligible for an order, your next move would be to talk with a lawyer about what else you can do to make him leave if he refuses to go. You should be eligible for Legal Aid or Legal Services (it's called something different in different places)--basically free/low-cost legal services.
He WILL manage to survive without your help. It may not be his fault that he's an alcoholic, but that does not excuse his treatment of you and his encroachment on your life. YOU have EVERY RIGHT to a peaceful existence and the opportunity to build that better life you want. I think it's awesome that you have managed to get through college under these circumstances.
So, first things first--work on reclaiming your personal space. And then take the other suggestions to get some support for yourself to deal with the effects of living with alcoholism.
Hugs, and stick around here--there is some great support on this forum.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this at what should be a happy and promising time. Caretaker has some great suggestions for the long term. For the short term--how to deal with this specific situation--I have a few thoughts.
I'd suggest first off to contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate there. Depending on the law where you live, you might be entitled to a protective order that would require your father to leave immediately and to have no contact with you. In most jurisdictions, "domestic violence" includes ALL household members (which he is, even if he's not on the lease), and it often includes forms of abuse that aren't physical.
If you're not eligible for an order, your next move would be to talk with a lawyer about what else you can do to make him leave if he refuses to go. You should be eligible for Legal Aid or Legal Services (it's called something different in different places)--basically free/low-cost legal services.
He WILL manage to survive without your help. It may not be his fault that he's an alcoholic, but that does not excuse his treatment of you and his encroachment on your life. YOU have EVERY RIGHT to a peaceful existence and the opportunity to build that better life you want. I think it's awesome that you have managed to get through college under these circumstances.
So, first things first--work on reclaiming your personal space. And then take the other suggestions to get some support for yourself to deal with the effects of living with alcoholism.
Hugs, and stick around here--there is some great support on this forum.
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