I left. Now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19
I left. Now what?
I have posted here a few times before and received some helpful advice, and so here I am again.
Just a little background.... I left my alcoholic partner about 5 months ago and took our 2 boys with me to my parents house. I asked him too many times to quit drinking but I always stayed. Finally after a failed 90 day treatment during my second pregnancy ( he entered treatment when I was 7 months pregnant, leaving me alone to care for our 3 year old, until the baby was born). After a few months of treatment, he relapsed hard, was pretty well back to where he started. Instead of leaving me home alone to care for a newborn and 3 year old so he could go to a meeting, he was really going to the bar. Spending all the money I gave him for my share of the rent on alcohol. The straw that broke the camels back when he got fired for drinking at work. They gave him the 3 months off to go to rehab in the first place and he knew it was his last chance, he blew it and they fired him. we'd almost been evicted tons of time prior to this, and I knew with no job, his drinking and me on maternity leave, me and the kids were on a sinking ship. I took the boys and left. I told myself that now he would have to hit rock bottom and get the help needed. During this seperation I have actually been able to have a pretty friendly relationship with him; he calls every night to talk to the boys. So I come to find out that his now ex-bestfriends soon to be ex-wife is spending almost every night at his place. I asked him about it and he told me that her husband was abusive and she just needed somewhere to stay. Whatever, I no longer have those feelings for him and he said they were just friends anyways. So about a month ago he moved in with her to nice townhouse in a city close by and tells me that they're in a relationship. Financially he has given me nothing since the day I left with the kids, and now he says he still can't give me anything because he's responsible for half the rent and since he's on welfare he doesnt have enough to give me. He says even if he does get a job it'll be hard to pay his rent if he has to give me money since "I pay my own rent and you live with your parents." I can't take him to court, I mean I'm pretty sure you can't take money from someone getting welfare.
So about a week ago I dropped off the kids for a visit and he insisted on showing me his new home. It was so nice, and the kids rooms were so nice (she has 2 kids of her own that live there part time) and for whatever reason shows me his and her bedroom. I held it together, but as soon as I got back to my car and drove away I lost it.
Why is it that I suffered for the last 5 years with his addiction, and I'm the one who is alone with the kids every night while he gets to live single life with no financial or really any obligations at all? This girl (who I know because of his prior friendship with her husband) just lifted him from what should have been his rock bottom. She's been buying his booze, probably paid the upfront rent, and no doubt is the one taking care of my kids when they are there. I just returned to work, working 40 hours a week and being mommy at my parents house after that. I lost so many friends during my relationship with him, they all said I should leave and then would cut them out because I thought at the time that they were wrong. Now it's just me and the boys. Even my work bff found someone she always ditches me for at work, unless of course the other girl's not around then she's all about me, because you know that doesnt make me feel like a sac of crap (and she was one of the main reasons I couldn't wait to go back to work). Why does he have so many people rallying around him and I am left alone. It's as though I did something wrong. When the kids are gone to his place, I feel so alone; when the kids are here I feel alone; even at work with tons of people, I feel alone. It makes me question my choice. If I did the right thing, why do I feel so awful? Why does he get to have someone there for him and I am all alone. (My family, while they have been generous enough to give me and the boys a place to live, are not people I consider to be close with. We just never had that sort of family closeness, so they're not even option of someone to turn to)
I'm sure many of you have been here.... how do I get through it and stay comfortable in my decision? I know I dont ever want to be with him again, but sometimes the feeling of being alone seems worse than being with his drinking.
Just a little background.... I left my alcoholic partner about 5 months ago and took our 2 boys with me to my parents house. I asked him too many times to quit drinking but I always stayed. Finally after a failed 90 day treatment during my second pregnancy ( he entered treatment when I was 7 months pregnant, leaving me alone to care for our 3 year old, until the baby was born). After a few months of treatment, he relapsed hard, was pretty well back to where he started. Instead of leaving me home alone to care for a newborn and 3 year old so he could go to a meeting, he was really going to the bar. Spending all the money I gave him for my share of the rent on alcohol. The straw that broke the camels back when he got fired for drinking at work. They gave him the 3 months off to go to rehab in the first place and he knew it was his last chance, he blew it and they fired him. we'd almost been evicted tons of time prior to this, and I knew with no job, his drinking and me on maternity leave, me and the kids were on a sinking ship. I took the boys and left. I told myself that now he would have to hit rock bottom and get the help needed. During this seperation I have actually been able to have a pretty friendly relationship with him; he calls every night to talk to the boys. So I come to find out that his now ex-bestfriends soon to be ex-wife is spending almost every night at his place. I asked him about it and he told me that her husband was abusive and she just needed somewhere to stay. Whatever, I no longer have those feelings for him and he said they were just friends anyways. So about a month ago he moved in with her to nice townhouse in a city close by and tells me that they're in a relationship. Financially he has given me nothing since the day I left with the kids, and now he says he still can't give me anything because he's responsible for half the rent and since he's on welfare he doesnt have enough to give me. He says even if he does get a job it'll be hard to pay his rent if he has to give me money since "I pay my own rent and you live with your parents." I can't take him to court, I mean I'm pretty sure you can't take money from someone getting welfare.
So about a week ago I dropped off the kids for a visit and he insisted on showing me his new home. It was so nice, and the kids rooms were so nice (she has 2 kids of her own that live there part time) and for whatever reason shows me his and her bedroom. I held it together, but as soon as I got back to my car and drove away I lost it.
Why is it that I suffered for the last 5 years with his addiction, and I'm the one who is alone with the kids every night while he gets to live single life with no financial or really any obligations at all? This girl (who I know because of his prior friendship with her husband) just lifted him from what should have been his rock bottom. She's been buying his booze, probably paid the upfront rent, and no doubt is the one taking care of my kids when they are there. I just returned to work, working 40 hours a week and being mommy at my parents house after that. I lost so many friends during my relationship with him, they all said I should leave and then would cut them out because I thought at the time that they were wrong. Now it's just me and the boys. Even my work bff found someone she always ditches me for at work, unless of course the other girl's not around then she's all about me, because you know that doesnt make me feel like a sac of crap (and she was one of the main reasons I couldn't wait to go back to work). Why does he have so many people rallying around him and I am left alone. It's as though I did something wrong. When the kids are gone to his place, I feel so alone; when the kids are here I feel alone; even at work with tons of people, I feel alone. It makes me question my choice. If I did the right thing, why do I feel so awful? Why does he get to have someone there for him and I am all alone. (My family, while they have been generous enough to give me and the boys a place to live, are not people I consider to be close with. We just never had that sort of family closeness, so they're not even option of someone to turn to)
I'm sure many of you have been here.... how do I get through it and stay comfortable in my decision? I know I dont ever want to be with him again, but sometimes the feeling of being alone seems worse than being with his drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Being alone makes you face your fears....one, being alone. And getting out of an abusuve relationship with an addict is tough-at least you knew what to expect while with him, regardless of how bad it was and what he did-now you don't. Uncertainty. But YOU will be ok! Please don't second guess your decision-and please be wise to the fact that you're dropping your kids off with an addict that is still lying and his enabler. I would think long and hard if that's what you want your kids to see-it may not be safe for them at all.
Hugs-you will survive....change is hard....and sometimes God wants us all alone so He can do miracles in us!
Hugs-you will survive....change is hard....and sometimes God wants us all alone so He can do miracles in us!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Hi PrinMel, this happens quite a bit with alcoholics; they find another enabler. It really and truly sucks for the one who left.
It will get better and you did the right thing but for now and for some time to come it is gonna hurt. Many people spend their entire lives with the alcoholic because they don't have the courage to go through the pain you are experiencing.
When I left my ABF, I felt like I was doing open heart surgery on myself without anesthesia. I honestly didn't think people survived the kind of pain I was in.
Please, please treat yourself with as much kindness as possible: eat well, get as much exercise as you can even if it is just playing Getcha with the three year old. What you are doing is really the emotional equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest everyday.
Keep posting. We are here for you.
It will get better and you did the right thing but for now and for some time to come it is gonna hurt. Many people spend their entire lives with the alcoholic because they don't have the courage to go through the pain you are experiencing.
When I left my ABF, I felt like I was doing open heart surgery on myself without anesthesia. I honestly didn't think people survived the kind of pain I was in.
Please, please treat yourself with as much kindness as possible: eat well, get as much exercise as you can even if it is just playing Getcha with the three year old. What you are doing is really the emotional equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest everyday.
Keep posting. We are here for you.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Prin,
Even from the alky stand point I don't get what he is doing.
I am the opposite of a dead beat Dad. Not helping w the kids is a crime against God.
How does he live w himself.
My advice. Forget about the Dad. Move on. Take care of yourself, try hard to get your sleep, eat clean. Stay close to your kids and your parents.
My wife had 2 kids when I met her. We had 1 together. That was 17 years ago.
Pray.
Even from the alky stand point I don't get what he is doing.
I am the opposite of a dead beat Dad. Not helping w the kids is a crime against God.
How does he live w himself.
My advice. Forget about the Dad. Move on. Take care of yourself, try hard to get your sleep, eat clean. Stay close to your kids and your parents.
My wife had 2 kids when I met her. We had 1 together. That was 17 years ago.
Pray.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
PrinMel....In my opinion, you are grieving the loss of the partnership and your dreams of the future that you had planned. It takes a longer while than 5months to do this kind of necessary grieving. You have to grieve in order to heal....
I DON'T THINK YOU ARE EVEN INTO THE GRIEVING PROCESS, COMPLETELY BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL REINFORCING YOUR CONNECTION TO HIM!
seeing him, talking to him, visiting his house, seeing their bedroom, etc. is keeping your emotional bonds al ive---keeping your emotional connections to him.....and, emotional bonds don't die so easily.....
On another matter--you NEED more face-to-face interactions with those who understand and can give you human, emotional support. This is just too hard to walk alone!!
You could use a support group and a counselor who can help you through this.....You will notice, if you read the thousands of real life stories on this forum, that this is the saving grace for others who have been in your situation.....
About "fairness"....there is nothing fair about alcoholism. It hurts all those who come into connection.....That is just a fact...that is the cruel reality of the disease...
You will never regret removing it from your life....
dandylion
I DON'T THINK YOU ARE EVEN INTO THE GRIEVING PROCESS, COMPLETELY BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL REINFORCING YOUR CONNECTION TO HIM!
seeing him, talking to him, visiting his house, seeing their bedroom, etc. is keeping your emotional bonds al ive---keeping your emotional connections to him.....and, emotional bonds don't die so easily.....
On another matter--you NEED more face-to-face interactions with those who understand and can give you human, emotional support. This is just too hard to walk alone!!
You could use a support group and a counselor who can help you through this.....You will notice, if you read the thousands of real life stories on this forum, that this is the saving grace for others who have been in your situation.....
About "fairness"....there is nothing fair about alcoholism. It hurts all those who come into connection.....That is just a fact...that is the cruel reality of the disease...
You will never regret removing it from your life....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I Prin I am really sorry for what you are going through.
Have you filed for welfare for your children? If not you need to. All states have a minimum amount of child support responsible by the non custodial parent. Yes, they most certainly will take his welfare into consideration. I am curious if he has been honest about his living arrangements as his new girlfriend's income (since they live together) it should be used as a metric to determine the amount of welfare he gets. The minimum amount of support is usually not that much. It could be somewhere between $100 and $400 - but he will have to pay it even if it comes out of his welfare check.
There is a difference between becoming unemployed involuntarily, trying to get another job, and deciding to stay unemployed voluntarily. The Courts will not tolerate it for too long if he "tries" to avoid paying child support via unemployment. If they can find no reason why he can't work (such as an illness or disability) they will eventually set his child support based on what he Should be making in his field. If he chooses not to not become employed to avoid paying child support, they will suspend his drivers license to start, then threaten jail time, and jail him if he refuses to comply. Dead beat parents are not given breaks, and he could rack up quite a load of debt as the State may choose to go after him for the welfare your children receive.
I strongly encourage you to go after him for this ASAP - you will not need to hire an attorney. Additionally, it would be in everyone's best interest for there to be a legal parenting plan regarding custody and visitation.
Why is it that I suffered for the last 5 years with his addiction, and I'm the one who is alone with the kids every night while he gets to live single life with no financial or really any obligations at all? Don't look at the past its over with. You are free of that responsibility of living with an alcoholic, Bravo! Now you need to look at the present at future. The reason he is getting to live with no financial obligations in part is due to you not asserting your legal rights and your children's legal right for support. So change that. Don't pre-determine that he will just get "away with it" because he is on welfare. We all know he is bilking the system, and can work. Its his choice not to address his alcoholism - it won't be sufficient to alleviate financial obligation to support of his children. You aren't a doormat, so don't accept doormat status from him. He's a real jewel to be so kind to show you around his lovely new digs while crying that he can't offer financial support! Poor him.
Take your power back.
***P.S. I just noticed you are in Canada not in the States. Not sure about their system, but please look into it or perhaps another member who lives in Canada has some advice. I am hopeful that Canada views deadbeat parents the same as here.
Have you filed for welfare for your children? If not you need to. All states have a minimum amount of child support responsible by the non custodial parent. Yes, they most certainly will take his welfare into consideration. I am curious if he has been honest about his living arrangements as his new girlfriend's income (since they live together) it should be used as a metric to determine the amount of welfare he gets. The minimum amount of support is usually not that much. It could be somewhere between $100 and $400 - but he will have to pay it even if it comes out of his welfare check.
There is a difference between becoming unemployed involuntarily, trying to get another job, and deciding to stay unemployed voluntarily. The Courts will not tolerate it for too long if he "tries" to avoid paying child support via unemployment. If they can find no reason why he can't work (such as an illness or disability) they will eventually set his child support based on what he Should be making in his field. If he chooses not to not become employed to avoid paying child support, they will suspend his drivers license to start, then threaten jail time, and jail him if he refuses to comply. Dead beat parents are not given breaks, and he could rack up quite a load of debt as the State may choose to go after him for the welfare your children receive.
I strongly encourage you to go after him for this ASAP - you will not need to hire an attorney. Additionally, it would be in everyone's best interest for there to be a legal parenting plan regarding custody and visitation.
Why is it that I suffered for the last 5 years with his addiction, and I'm the one who is alone with the kids every night while he gets to live single life with no financial or really any obligations at all? Don't look at the past its over with. You are free of that responsibility of living with an alcoholic, Bravo! Now you need to look at the present at future. The reason he is getting to live with no financial obligations in part is due to you not asserting your legal rights and your children's legal right for support. So change that. Don't pre-determine that he will just get "away with it" because he is on welfare. We all know he is bilking the system, and can work. Its his choice not to address his alcoholism - it won't be sufficient to alleviate financial obligation to support of his children. You aren't a doormat, so don't accept doormat status from him. He's a real jewel to be so kind to show you around his lovely new digs while crying that he can't offer financial support! Poor him.
Take your power back.
***P.S. I just noticed you are in Canada not in the States. Not sure about their system, but please look into it or perhaps another member who lives in Canada has some advice. I am hopeful that Canada views deadbeat parents the same as here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
P,
First, Congrats on you beautiful new baby. I hope in all the stress you are under you can find joy in your little boys. You say you are alone, you are not, he is. You are blessed so please always remember that. You also have parents that are also helping you, so double blessed.
Second, he was a train wreck then and he is a train wreck now. Nothing has changed but you. You ended the emotional abuse, by continually living with an addict. You are choosing a better life for you and your kids. You are empowering yourself, that you all deserve better. Don't be jealous over this woman, she is paying for everything. How long do u think she will put up with it? She will also get tired of your old garbage and kick him out. Then he will find another enabler to take him in, or he will come crying back to you. Who knows, they do say it's hard to get rid of an addict. This is all "normal" alcoholic behavior.
I also would seek out assistance. He needs to help financialy towards his kids. Even if he's not making any money. It doesn't matter, file papers. You need this on record.
You are overwhelmed by having 2 small children, and working full time, and being a single mom, that is normal. It's ok to feel like you are going crazy. Step back, take deep breaths, you have a roof over your head. Keep posting and educating yourself about addiction. Remember that there is always someone worse off then you. Sending warm hugs to you and your kids, it will take time, but you all will be ok, my friend!!
First, Congrats on you beautiful new baby. I hope in all the stress you are under you can find joy in your little boys. You say you are alone, you are not, he is. You are blessed so please always remember that. You also have parents that are also helping you, so double blessed.
Second, he was a train wreck then and he is a train wreck now. Nothing has changed but you. You ended the emotional abuse, by continually living with an addict. You are choosing a better life for you and your kids. You are empowering yourself, that you all deserve better. Don't be jealous over this woman, she is paying for everything. How long do u think she will put up with it? She will also get tired of your old garbage and kick him out. Then he will find another enabler to take him in, or he will come crying back to you. Who knows, they do say it's hard to get rid of an addict. This is all "normal" alcoholic behavior.
I also would seek out assistance. He needs to help financialy towards his kids. Even if he's not making any money. It doesn't matter, file papers. You need this on record.
You are overwhelmed by having 2 small children, and working full time, and being a single mom, that is normal. It's ok to feel like you are going crazy. Step back, take deep breaths, you have a roof over your head. Keep posting and educating yourself about addiction. Remember that there is always someone worse off then you. Sending warm hugs to you and your kids, it will take time, but you all will be ok, my friend!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Hi PM -
Although my situation is a little different than yours, you have so accurately described the way I feel. I lost friends while he was going out, dating, going on vacation, having fun. It sucks. Plain and simple, it sucks. I don't have kids so I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have to care for little ones while trying to heal my own soul-crushing pain.
So:
1) You are most definitely not alone. I'm sure I'm not the only other one who can relate to what you are feeling.
2) For myself, after I left, I was(am) grieving the relationship that should have been, not the relationship that was. You wrote "...I suffered for the last 5 years with his addiction..." I can't imagine that you miss those last five years. In reality, the relationships we should have had never actually were, nor will they ever be. We can grieve the loss of what will never be.
3) Even though he has a nice new place and a nice new relationship, if his new GF is enabling him, it is only a matter of time before his old patterns emerge. Meaning, if you were in the nice new house, you would still be in that relationship. Not the relationship you should have had or wanted to have. The relationship you did have. The one you left.
4) You ask at the end of your post, "...how do I get through it and stay comfortable in my decision?" You then answer your own question: "...I know I dont ever want to be with him again..." Keep remembering that. I have not once regretted leaving, and there are definitely things I miss. A song, a smell, a thought, a memory, a food, a place, a phrase; anything can sneak up and tear at my soul. But...I know I don't ever want to be with him again. We can love someone and know we cannot ever be with them again.
Sending you peace and happiness.
Although my situation is a little different than yours, you have so accurately described the way I feel. I lost friends while he was going out, dating, going on vacation, having fun. It sucks. Plain and simple, it sucks. I don't have kids so I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have to care for little ones while trying to heal my own soul-crushing pain.
So:
1) You are most definitely not alone. I'm sure I'm not the only other one who can relate to what you are feeling.
2) For myself, after I left, I was(am) grieving the relationship that should have been, not the relationship that was. You wrote "...I suffered for the last 5 years with his addiction..." I can't imagine that you miss those last five years. In reality, the relationships we should have had never actually were, nor will they ever be. We can grieve the loss of what will never be.
3) Even though he has a nice new place and a nice new relationship, if his new GF is enabling him, it is only a matter of time before his old patterns emerge. Meaning, if you were in the nice new house, you would still be in that relationship. Not the relationship you should have had or wanted to have. The relationship you did have. The one you left.
4) You ask at the end of your post, "...how do I get through it and stay comfortable in my decision?" You then answer your own question: "...I know I dont ever want to be with him again..." Keep remembering that. I have not once regretted leaving, and there are definitely things I miss. A song, a smell, a thought, a memory, a food, a place, a phrase; anything can sneak up and tear at my soul. But...I know I don't ever want to be with him again. We can love someone and know we cannot ever be with them again.
Sending you peace and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hi Mel. Sorry you're having a tough time right now. It is hard in that transitional time right after a separation, especially since he has moved on so quickly. I feel sorry for this other woman and her kids, your ex sounds like a hot mess and you definitely got the better end of the deal there.
I agree with Red and others re child support. My ex receives VA disability but is technically able to work. There's a big difference between not being physically able to work and being voluntarily unemployed and the court system here recognizes that. He had income imputed to what he reported (they added in the amount he could theoretically make if he was working) and his child support payments were quite a bit higher than if they had been based only on his reported income. I also agree with others about getting an official visitation schedule in place. It will be less stress on you and the kids in the long run, though you'll probably get some tantrums from the ex, especially when child support comes up. Stay strong and stay detached. Focus on your peace of mind and you will come through this healthier and stronger because you have a golden opportunity to heal right now.
I agree with Red and others re child support. My ex receives VA disability but is technically able to work. There's a big difference between not being physically able to work and being voluntarily unemployed and the court system here recognizes that. He had income imputed to what he reported (they added in the amount he could theoretically make if he was working) and his child support payments were quite a bit higher than if they had been based only on his reported income. I also agree with others about getting an official visitation schedule in place. It will be less stress on you and the kids in the long run, though you'll probably get some tantrums from the ex, especially when child support comes up. Stay strong and stay detached. Focus on your peace of mind and you will come through this healthier and stronger because you have a golden opportunity to heal right now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Let me just add to those who have said his new gf has signed on for a raw deal. As of now she's getting to support a drunk, deadbeat dad on welfare.
Loneliness is hard, being a single mom is hard, having to rebuild your life is hard but you're *doing* it and it gets easier. All the reasons you left are terrific reasons. I guarantee you won't stay lonely and you'll stop second-guessing this decision. There are so many stories on this forum of partners of A's who did what you did, suffered for a while but came out on top. Way, way way on top!
Hang in there Prin, you did a wonderful thing for you and your boys.
Loneliness is hard, being a single mom is hard, having to rebuild your life is hard but you're *doing* it and it gets easier. All the reasons you left are terrific reasons. I guarantee you won't stay lonely and you'll stop second-guessing this decision. There are so many stories on this forum of partners of A's who did what you did, suffered for a while but came out on top. Way, way way on top!
Hang in there Prin, you did a wonderful thing for you and your boys.
Last edited by 53500; 05-22-2016 at 10:05 AM. Reason: added
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hi Prin. I agree that you need to seek child support immediately! Even if he can't pay now, they can make it so that once he is able to pay he has to pay you the back support. Do not enable him further by not holding him responsible to support his children!
I can entirely sympathize with the feeling of loneliness. I think when we are with a partner and have kids, we become 1) busy, so that we do not make friends a priority and 2) comfortable and happy to stay somewhat isolated. I am going through this myself after STBXAH moved out. Try not to focus on him at all. Nobody's life is perfect. It may seem like he has it so easy now, but, as others have said, it won't be long before his true colors show to his new girlfriend. Try to just focus on you. Make an effort to get back in touch with friends or try some new activities to make some new ones. (This is what I'm trying to do.)
I can entirely sympathize with the feeling of loneliness. I think when we are with a partner and have kids, we become 1) busy, so that we do not make friends a priority and 2) comfortable and happy to stay somewhat isolated. I am going through this myself after STBXAH moved out. Try not to focus on him at all. Nobody's life is perfect. It may seem like he has it so easy now, but, as others have said, it won't be long before his true colors show to his new girlfriend. Try to just focus on you. Make an effort to get back in touch with friends or try some new activities to make some new ones. (This is what I'm trying to do.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19
Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel somewhat better after reading what all you have said. I know I am better without him, its just hard to see that right now.
I asked him this morning to call so I could say hi to the boys, said he would in the afternoon. I ended up facebook messaging him a few times today (his phone got cut from not paying the bill) and I heard nothing back until I messaged him after 7, he told me the older one had been bad at dinner and so he didn't have time to call. I told him that would have been a great excuse if I had not asked him at 10 in the morning for the call. He says I should have called him, to which I replied that I didn't want to call his girlfriends house, thats why i asked him to call. His response?? Too bad.
It makes me so angry! I give him so much; he pays me nothing, I answer everytime he calls to talk to the boys, I have yet to take him to court because I know he has no money.... and I get "too bad" !!!!!!!! I'm gonna take the advice most of you have given about getting the courts involved. Enough is enough. I already looked up the number for legal aid, and considering my income, I'm hoping they will be able to take me down the right path. I do fear that he'll try to fight me for custody out of spite. I get that he's the alcoholic; but I'm single and living at my parents, while he has a house with a second person, a second "mom".... Like he'll find some reason why he's the better parent and I'm not. I do everything for those boys, my life is not only mine but theirs. I know that's probably part of the reason I have been reluctant to pursue anything through legal channels....
It really sucks that he has taken so much from me and still appearently doesn't care when his actions hurt me.
I asked him this morning to call so I could say hi to the boys, said he would in the afternoon. I ended up facebook messaging him a few times today (his phone got cut from not paying the bill) and I heard nothing back until I messaged him after 7, he told me the older one had been bad at dinner and so he didn't have time to call. I told him that would have been a great excuse if I had not asked him at 10 in the morning for the call. He says I should have called him, to which I replied that I didn't want to call his girlfriends house, thats why i asked him to call. His response?? Too bad.
It makes me so angry! I give him so much; he pays me nothing, I answer everytime he calls to talk to the boys, I have yet to take him to court because I know he has no money.... and I get "too bad" !!!!!!!! I'm gonna take the advice most of you have given about getting the courts involved. Enough is enough. I already looked up the number for legal aid, and considering my income, I'm hoping they will be able to take me down the right path. I do fear that he'll try to fight me for custody out of spite. I get that he's the alcoholic; but I'm single and living at my parents, while he has a house with a second person, a second "mom".... Like he'll find some reason why he's the better parent and I'm not. I do everything for those boys, my life is not only mine but theirs. I know that's probably part of the reason I have been reluctant to pursue anything through legal channels....
It really sucks that he has taken so much from me and still appearently doesn't care when his actions hurt me.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I do fear that he'll try to fight me for custody out of spite. I get that he's the alcoholic; but I'm single and living at my parents, while he has a house with a second person, a second "mom".... Like he'll find some reason why he's the better parent and I'm not. I do everything for those boys, my life is not only mine but theirs. I know that's probably part of the reason I have been reluctant to pursue anything through legal channels....
I was in a similar situation, had to live with my mom for awhile after I left. My ex got married and was putting on the "family man" front for the courts with the help of his wife, lying about his drinking and pretty much anything else you can think of. The courts didn't buy it, they saw right through the act to the unemployed alcoholic and his pathetic new enabler. After a long fight I got exactly what I was asking for and he got a stack of legal bills to pay. I also had help from legal aid and they were excellent, despite all my ex's taunting about my "welfare lawyer" was no match for his expensive attorney.
I had NO desire to enter in to that fight, but it had to be done. This forum is full of people with personal experience with similar situations. We are here for you.
I was in a similar situation, had to live with my mom for awhile after I left. My ex got married and was putting on the "family man" front for the courts with the help of his wife, lying about his drinking and pretty much anything else you can think of. The courts didn't buy it, they saw right through the act to the unemployed alcoholic and his pathetic new enabler. After a long fight I got exactly what I was asking for and he got a stack of legal bills to pay. I also had help from legal aid and they were excellent, despite all my ex's taunting about my "welfare lawyer" was no match for his expensive attorney.
I had NO desire to enter in to that fight, but it had to be done. This forum is full of people with personal experience with similar situations. We are here for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Sorry for how long this is. I just wanted to try to make a point of something that happened that ended up being a big surprise for me.
My situation is a little different than yours, I ended up staying for a while with my (xah as soon as I get enough guts). We didn't separate until the kids were of the age where they could make the decision which parent to live with.
During that time he spent 95% of normal waking hours out of the house. He really was mostly a stranger to me and the kids.
Anyway, I obviously spent all my time caring for them, which of course is exhausting and lonely especially when they are little.
Here's what I want to mention though: as the sober parent you are building a strong bond with the kids. You are building memories, bedtime rituals, meal time conversations. You are there to talk to them in the car, and when you put them to bed.
Alcoholics are unable to form these types of strong bonds because they are looking to get the kids in bed so they can drink. They are unreliable, impatient, and they smell weird when they kiss the kids goodnight.
Alcoholism progresses and because of this he may miss some pretty big milestones in the life of his kids.
But you will have been there. You will have a relationship with the kids that is strong and built on trust.
You will end up with something better than you could ever imagine.
My situation is a little different than yours, I ended up staying for a while with my (xah as soon as I get enough guts). We didn't separate until the kids were of the age where they could make the decision which parent to live with.
During that time he spent 95% of normal waking hours out of the house. He really was mostly a stranger to me and the kids.
Anyway, I obviously spent all my time caring for them, which of course is exhausting and lonely especially when they are little.
Here's what I want to mention though: as the sober parent you are building a strong bond with the kids. You are building memories, bedtime rituals, meal time conversations. You are there to talk to them in the car, and when you put them to bed.
Alcoholics are unable to form these types of strong bonds because they are looking to get the kids in bed so they can drink. They are unreliable, impatient, and they smell weird when they kiss the kids goodnight.
Alcoholism progresses and because of this he may miss some pretty big milestones in the life of his kids.
But you will have been there. You will have a relationship with the kids that is strong and built on trust.
You will end up with something better than you could ever imagine.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Originally Posted by Flavia2 
Sorry for how long this is. I just wanted to try to make a point of something that happened that ended up being a big surprise for me.
My situation is a little different than yours, I ended up staying for a while with my (xah as soon as I get enough guts). We didn't separate until the kids were of the age where they could make the decision which parent to live with.
During that time he spent 95% of normal waking hours out of the house. He really was mostly a stranger to me and the kids.
Anyway, I obviously spent all my time caring for them, which of course is exhausting and lonely especially when they are little.
Here's what I want to mention though: as the sober parent you are building a strong bond with the kids. You are building memories, bedtime rituals, meal time conversations. You are there to talk to them in the car, and when you put them to bed.
Alcoholics are unable to form these types of strong bonds because they are looking to get the kids in bed so they can drink. They are unreliable, impatient, and they smell weird when they kiss the kids goodnight.
Alcoholism progresses and because of this he may miss some pretty big milestones in the life of his kids.
But you will have been there. You will have a relationship with the kids that is strong and built on trust.
You will end up with something better than you could ever imagine.
My situation is a little different than yours, I ended up staying for a while with my (xah as soon as I get enough guts). We didn't separate until the kids were of the age where they could make the decision which parent to live with.
During that time he spent 95% of normal waking hours out of the house. He really was mostly a stranger to me and the kids.
Anyway, I obviously spent all my time caring for them, which of course is exhausting and lonely especially when they are little.
Here's what I want to mention though: as the sober parent you are building a strong bond with the kids. You are building memories, bedtime rituals, meal time conversations. You are there to talk to them in the car, and when you put them to bed.
Alcoholics are unable to form these types of strong bonds because they are looking to get the kids in bed so they can drink. They are unreliable, impatient, and they smell weird when they kiss the kids goodnight.
Alcoholism progresses and because of this he may miss some pretty big milestones in the life of his kids.
But you will have been there. You will have a relationship with the kids that is strong and built on trust.
You will end up with something better than you could ever imagine.
I just wish I could come babysit an hour or two and give you a break!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
It makes me so angry! I give him so much; he pays me nothing, I answer everytime he calls to talk to the boys, I have yet to take him to court because I know he has no money.... and I get "too bad" !!!!!!!!
A 4 letter word.....STOP. Stop making it easy on him. Stop giving him (so much?) anything. Stop answering the phone whenever he calls. Stop assuming his financial status exempts him from supporting his children.
I am curious why you are sharing custody with him at this point? He is still drinking, he has no phone, and he doesn't abide by common sense courtesy to call you or allow you access to talk to your children when they are with him.
Don't worry about him attempting custody. you can't let those thoughts get into your head. I suppose he could try if he wanted - I don't see alcoholism and unemployment as a stellar resume to attempt it.
A 4 letter word.....STOP. Stop making it easy on him. Stop giving him (so much?) anything. Stop answering the phone whenever he calls. Stop assuming his financial status exempts him from supporting his children.
I am curious why you are sharing custody with him at this point? He is still drinking, he has no phone, and he doesn't abide by common sense courtesy to call you or allow you access to talk to your children when they are with him.
Don't worry about him attempting custody. you can't let those thoughts get into your head. I suppose he could try if he wanted - I don't see alcoholism and unemployment as a stellar resume to attempt it.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by PrinMel
I do fear that he'll try to fight me for custody out of spite. I get that he's the alcoholic; but I'm single and living at my parents, while he has a house with a second person, a second "mom".... Like he'll find some reason why he's the better parent and I'm not.
After leaving AXH I'd gotten a small apartment for DS and I, but when the rent was raised significantly, I moved in with my sister and her family. I was living with them when I filed for divorce. AXH had moved in with a GF who's parents had bought a lovely home for her and her kids (she called it 'basically a rent-to-own-deal'). AXH tried to tell the court that I wasn't doing a good job as a mother for DS because I was living with family. 1. The court recognized that living with family is something that is fairly common with today's economy and cost of housing where we live. 2. The court had quite a lot of questions about AXH's history of not paying child support.
Generally, as long as the environment is stable and safe for the kids, having a multi-generational household can be really good for kids.
Looking back, I think it's hilarious that AXH tried to paint me as a bad parent because I couldn't afford a place on my own, because he certainly wasn't paying his fair share of the household costs - either while we were together or while he was with his GF. For example, a snippet from our hearing: Attorney to his new GF: "How much does Mr. TU contribute to your household?" GF: "Ummm, I wouldn't say half. I'd say maybe a 1/4.... When he's working." And when he was asked about his GF's kids he responded with something along the lines of: "They're great; they're gone for 2 weeks with their dad."
The XA's tearing us down really isn't likely to carry as much weight with the court as we fear while in the midst of it. Keep everything focused on what is best for the kids, and why it meets their needs, and the court will see that you're trying to do what's best for them. Wishing you peace and continued strength. You can do this. (((((hugs)))))
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