hopeful4

So....most of you know I have a child who is 4 months away from legally saying she never wants to visit her father again, or me either should she decide that. She lives with me with my other child. She visits her father on a rare special occasion. That is b/c last winter he pulled some things and she had enough. She thinks he is a bad person, and she does not want to be around him except on social occasions.

Well, last night he sent me a text basically saying he thinks he should not have to pay child support for her b/c she won't visit him. He also thinks I should "make" her come over and that I make her respect everyone else but not him.

It goes on and on. I lost part of my post, but you get the gest of it. It makes me sad, mad, and full of anxiety. He caused this, but thinks I should "make" her love and respect him. It just does not work that way. Ugh.

SparkleKitty

Big hugs, hopeful. Man was a piece of work this guy is.

The child support is a legal issue and you need to hand that over to the experts.

That he believes you can or should "make" your daughter do anything is unfortunate and stressful but ultimately HIS problem. Hand that one over to your Higher Power and focus on literally anything else.

ladyscribbler

So sorry hopeful. My A dad was the same way. I quit going to visit when I was 14. Of course he ranted and raved about the child support, that was his main concern. He needed that money for vodka, lol. And he blamed ME for our lack of a relationship. Heck, he probably still does.
The difference here is that you have put tools into your daughter's hands so that she can stand in her power and make healthy decisions for herself. You had her in counseling and have been working your own recovery and setting a healthy example for her. I wish I'd had even one of those things when I was her age. I think it would have made all the difference.
Let him quack. Let him wear himself out making noise. My dad still had to pay cs, btw. And we NEVER heard the freaking end of that. He eventually got even by stealing the college savings accounts my mom entrusted to him in the divorce, but that's another story.
Sending a big hug your way.

CentralOhioDad

Just sending (((((HUGS)))))

amy55

(((((hugs))))))

It's so hard and triggering when we get these texts and emails from them, that are full of their arrogance and entitlement. They made me want to jump through the phone lines and smack him, but that's not legal. (lol)

What I would do, if he check is being garnished -- nothing. If his check is not being garnished, one reduced child support payment and I would be garnishing his check.

Child support and visitation has nothing to do with one another

More hugs. I know what you need to do to handle this, it's just aggravating to read these texts.

amy

dandylion

hopeful4....I am not a lawyer, of course,....but, I have always heard that child support is not contingent on visitation.
You can visit the website---Woman'sDivorce.com.....it is educational in nature and is arranged by state. (not a substitute for your attorney).....and it will describe the laws for you....
I am of the same opinion as ladyscribbler---let him wear himself out with his incessant quacking.....
Ignore....ignore....ignore..... Not only is he a jerk...he is also ignorant!

dandylion

This just sounds like m ore of his usual quacking......and, I appreciate how irritating it is......

hopeful4

You are all correct. There is nothing he can do legally, he is on the hook for her CS if she chooses to visit or not. He knows he cannot force her, so he quacks away to me instead. I've had enough. My mom said to remember he is $hit under my feet, and to just walk all over it LOL. It made me laugh.

I am just sick of it, and sick of the anxiety it brings to me when I am trying to have a peaceful evening. The B of it is, I was taking my girls to buy HIM bday gift to give to him from them this weekend when he chose to send me this text. What a jerk.

Thank you all for your support, I appreciate each of you.

Bekindalways

Sigh. Sounds really rough Hopeful. So sorry a nice evening was messed up.

I've never married and man oh man there are a lot of men who sure make loneliness and celibacy seem like a rockin' and rollin' good time.

Liveitwell

Friend-you know this is just who he is. Maybe he had a bad day at work, maybe he and wifey aren't getting along, maybe ..... Who knows why he's being a jerk. He's so arrogant he doesn't know how ignorant and stupid he is....seriously. His pride blinds him to what everyone else sees! Don't give him a second thiught... Or anything that comes out of his mouth. You know this is just what these guys do. You are your sweet girls are doing so well-and I am not surprised your oldest doesbt wabt to have much to do with him. You girlies will be great....him? Meh-his photo is on the FOTY wall of shame right next to my exs.

Hugs and love to you, friend.

hopeful4

Thank you FOG. I really appreciate it!

Thank you all for your kinds words and hugs, I can use them today.

theuncertainty

So sorry you and your DD are dealing with this, Hopeful4. AXH voluntarily gave up legal custody because he assumed that meant he wouldn't have to pay child support. He was so confused and angry when the judge told him he's on the hook and needed to provide proof of income. Stupidhead.

Respect is earned and once lost really hard, if not impossible, to get back, and that's all on him. If his behavior doesn't warrant it, well, then that's his fault. Not your daughter's and not yours.

Glad your daughter feels secure enough to bring it to you to vent. BTW, I love your mom's take on it.

hopeful4

Oh wow, I bet he was ticked. What a jerk.

Yes, I thought my mom's take on it was pretty awesome. She told me when I feel weak to call her and she will remind me again! LOL.

AnvilheadII

agree with dandy - child support and visitation are SEPARATE issues....partly so that there is no appearance of a parent needing to PAY MONEY to spend time with their children.

however, just because a child chooses not to SEE the parent, the parent is still OBLIGATED to provide for them. they are still CHILDREN - they need food, shelter, safety and education. any half-azzed decent human being can understand that...............

Liveitwell

^ This guy isn't even a half azzed decent human being...hence the problem man, his new wife must be so proud of her "man"...what a catch he is! NOT. What an idiot. Seriously.

hopeful4

Well, I just had to have a little conversation with him b/c he text me this time that he is taking it upon himself to figure CS for one child and pay that. LOL. I just called him and cleared that right up. Told him it's really simple for me to have the state garnish his wages, and that I will be happy to do so. I also talked to him about the need for him to have a relationship, a real one, with our kids. That he cannot force them to love him or respect him, that it's earned. He can choose to do that, or not. Either way, he will still pay CS.

Ugh. What a day.

SparkleKitty

Good on you, hopeful. May your day end with ice cream and hugs.

dandylion

hopeful4.....that is just exactly how one deals with a narcissistic person!!!

dandylion

Liveitwell

^ yes!!!

Hangnbyathread

You are entitled to support payments whether he's an ass or not.

If it's scheduled to end when she turns 18 (your 4 month comment), then the legal expenses to collect it probably won't be worth pursuing.

Which he may have already figured that out already, hence he can be a butthead about it.

Recovering2

Nice job on your reply. Keep the CS issue clear as a legal issue, don't let him muddy the waters. His re'ship with his kids is his issue. "Not my monkey, Not my circus."