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Old 05-18-2016, 07:28 AM
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Statistics, statistics

HI everyone! Hope you all are well and enjoying spring wherever you are. It actually is sprinkling here in Phoenix this AM, go figure!

I just wanted to vent a bit about people minding their own business and people throwing statistics at others. This has NOTHING to do with anyone here, btw.

I will be moving in with my bf soon. Kids are excited. Summer travel between all of us will give us all some breathing room and let us get used to sharing the same space in the more relaxed months of summer before school starts in August and everyone gets back in the grind and back to a normal schedule.

My sister and many of my Christian friends have been very AGAINST this move I'm making and they have been quite judgmental. Apparently, these are the things stacked against us:
1. We'll be cohabitating and will NOT be married
2. We will be blending families
3. Living together outside of marriage spells disaster and is more likely doomed to fail
4. Blending families, especially without the bond of marriage, is also more likely doomed to fail.

UGH!!! I get it. But, since over 50% of first marriages end up in divorce and then another 30% aren't happy unions, either, then why get married for a first marriage either? Is it because everyone thinks they'll beat the odds even though odds are stacked against most long term relationships in general?
I am so tired of shutting my mouth and just saying, "yep, you may be right," and then walking away....especially when it comes from my sister who happens to be on her own second marriage and who lived with her guy BEFORE they got married but she swears they didn't have sex ......so that makes you better than me??? UGH, again.

I have never felt so judged in my life and I have been doing my best to keep my personal life quiet but an old friend of mine wanted to verify my address and I had to give her the new one and she was confused so I told her and she got on her Christian high horse and I felt judged and condemned all over again.

It's just so hard to defend my position and I do my best to not get dragged into defending it honestly. Most people don't understand when I say I don't want to get married again. That I am happy with how things are. I've even heard the old, "He's getting the milk for free" comment. For pete's sake....well, if he's getting the milk for free, then I'm getting the bacon for free....or whatever the other side of that argument is, lol. It's a two way street and we're both very aware of the challenges that will be ahead of us. Sigh.....I really hate being judged for just living my life as I see fit especially when it's coming from family.
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Old 05-18-2016, 07:55 AM
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Oh Liz, ignore it all - have fun, do what you feel is right for you and your family.
On God - I could guess that he has bigger fish to fry than you.
As for statistics - you seem to march to the beat of your own drum, and I could guess you've been top 10 percentile minority in many things in life through the years.

I never wanted to get married when I was younger. I have a role model aunt that has been single her whole life, and I've always admired her so much. She works hard, made a place for herself in business, made some money to retire well, has a great home, sweet pets, and amazing friends. Her and her friends are retired now. They travel, eat, drink, cruise, camp, kayak and be merry together - OFTEN. She has an amazing life and I always thought her life looked so fantastic, that I never really wanted to get married much through the years. Here and there, sure, but mostly, I've been ok with resolving that there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving and marrying 1 man for your whole life, and there is also nothing wrong with loving 30 amazing men and never marrying any of them over the course of a lifetime. Either is a life well lived.

This is from a girl that has 'lived in sin' with more boyfriends than I care to mention.

You have fun 'playing house" and 'giving away your milk'.
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Old 05-18-2016, 08:10 AM
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lizatola....you can't live your life by "committee". You have to live your life by your own personal truth....
My personal view on this---another person's religious beliefs is for THEM and their personal life....not as a forum for dictating and judging others.....
We all are gifted with free will and get to choose how we live..regardless of what others think...

lol....remember that what other people think of us is none of our business.....

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Old 05-18-2016, 08:10 AM
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Sigh. We Christians along with members of many other religions really seem to enjoy thinking about others' sex lives. While Christ really said a lot more about misuse of power and hypocrisy of the religious folks of the time.

You could be married by the Pope at high mass and the marriage doesn't take. Other folks live in "sin" for their entire lives and it is not considered a marriage.

Do what is right for you and be at peace.
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Old 05-18-2016, 08:24 AM
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I totally agree with everyone. While I certainly respect others' opinions about cohabitation outside of marriage, for ME, I would never EVER get married again without cohabiting first. I, personally, would need to have experience under one roof to feel like I was making an intelligent, informed decision.
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Old 05-18-2016, 08:52 AM
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I know you know that their judgment of you says everything about them and literally nothing about you. I know you know you don't have to defend yourself. What's behind the fear of NOT defending yourself?
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Old 05-18-2016, 09:24 AM
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I get it that these "Church Ladies" have their Christian beliefs and may possibly not cohabitate outside of marriage themselves. These are probably the same Church Ladies that walk 10 paces behind their husbands and their place is in the kitchen, too. But thumping their bible against your head and being judgemental sure isn't very Christian-like. I would simply address it as "Thank you for your concern, but this is my choice to make" and leave it at that. If it were me, I probably wouldn't be able to suppress a "judgemental much?" comment, though.
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Old 05-18-2016, 09:24 AM
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A person’s character is shown through their actions in life NOT where they sit on Sunday.

When these people attempt to force their opinions on you and continue to tell you their close minded believes simple respond with………………I disagree with you and that doesn’t mean I dislike you or that I am mad at you. It means that, like you, I have my own opinions. I won’t treat you disrespectfully because we share differing opinions. Give me the same respect.

I’ve found that arguing with closed minded people is no different than arguing with a drunk or someone high on drugs……….it gets you nowhere. Nicely but matter of fact-ly telling them to stick it where the sun don’t shine – can be empowering!! LOL
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Old 05-18-2016, 09:30 AM
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lmao Refiner.....lol....you just reminded me of "Church Lady" on Saturday Night Live......(Dana Carvey's character).....
I just adore that character......

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Old 05-18-2016, 09:40 AM
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Who reminds you of... hmmmmm... who could it be....

S A T A N?????

Lol.
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Old 05-18-2016, 09:43 AM
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When my wife and I got married 17 years ago there could not have been more reasons that the marriage wouldn't last. I was an alcoholic, we had a blended family ages 12 13 14 15, she was diagnosed with a very serious cancer, radiation, chemo, multiple multiple hospital stays of 3 - 4 weeks, an absolutely pyscho ex, the death of my daughter are just some of the low points.

The odds were stacked against us But here we are still together. As my sponsor says, "It is none of my business what others think of me."

Married or not it is your commitment to each other that is what will determine your future
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Old 05-18-2016, 09:44 AM
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^^^^^yes, Refiner, SATAN.

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Old 05-18-2016, 09:46 AM
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Meh who cares what they think! People are so nosy.

My only advice is to protect yourself legally as you will not get the protection of marriage should you split. Make sure your name is on all property obtained etc.

Good luck on your new adventure!
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Old 05-18-2016, 10:44 AM
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Liz,
After all you have gone through, do they really want you to get married so soon? Wow!! Everyone feels they know what is best for you and your kids. Just like on SR we do not tell people what they should do, we give them our opinions and they take what they want and leave the rest.

Leave the rest Liz, do what you feel you are comfortable with for you and God. Hugs my friend you deserve to be happy and if this is what makes you happy do it.
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Old 05-18-2016, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
I would simply address it as "Thank you for your concern, but this is my choice to make" and leave it at that. If it were me, I probably wouldn't be able to suppress a "judgemental much?" comment, though.
Yeah, that's me too - I try very hard but it just slips out sometimes. Tends to come out very sarcastic like, "Your opinion about my life has been noted, Judgey McJudgerson."


Wow Liz, they must all have really beautiful Glass Houses that they throw their stones from, eh?

If someone is passing that much judgment on my life I've learned it's due to their own internal judgment & discomfort. After everything that you've been through WHILE MARRIED it is absolutely laughable to believe that a piece of paper is necessary in this day & age for your relationship to survive or be legit. Anyone who sees all of the growth & changes in you can see that you have been taking this slow & easy & doing your best to continue living while having a Life.

Personally, I'm THRILLED for you!
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Old 05-18-2016, 11:09 AM
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I've been battling with similar stuff lately. I thought we were supposed to learn this at age 10 or 11, right? Mind your own bidness. Don't go rummaging through other peoples' luggage? Only offer advice when it is asked for?

I get creeped out by this kind of intrusive busybody activity.

I don't usually have a comeback, because I was raised to ignore this stuff and not stoop to their level - but it bugs me later and I often (just today as a matter of fact) will come to SR and gripe about it. So, I get ya sistah.
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Old 05-18-2016, 12:24 PM
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Not that you need the support, because you should do whatever feels right to you--but after my long term A marriage, I'd definitely want to cohabitate. Imagine (God forbid) marrying just to save face first and realizing it isn't working...and feeling TRAPPED again...

I agree on the finances suggestion!
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Old 05-18-2016, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by firesprite View Post
"your opinion about my life has been noted, judgey mcjudgerson."
lol!
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Old 05-18-2016, 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
Meh who cares what they think! People are so nosy.

My only advice is to protect yourself legally as you will not get the protection of marriage should you split. Make sure your name is on all property obtained etc.

Good luck on your new adventure!
We're both on top of this stuff since we're both in finance, have accountants, and lawyers that we use regularly. I have no assets, really, and we won't be combining money or accounts any time soon. Separate accounts and finances for now is fine by me.

After what we both lost financially in our divorces, we're both shy about blending finances or expenses.
He recently told me that, since I'm a year older and losing my eyesight (I need readers now!) I better get a good look at him today since he's planning on being around permanently and then he talked about '20 years from now' kind of stuff and I nearly fell off the bed laughing. I just don't think future much anymore except where it comes to my career and getting out of debt, etc. As far as our relationship is concerned, I'll be ok if it ends next week or if it ends in 20 years because I know from experience that God's got me right where I need to be. It sucks when relationships end, but I have learned that nothing is permanent, everything is temporary, and life is ALWAYS changing.

I don't even think about marriage anymore. If he were to propose in a year or 2, I think I'd agree to it but I say that now without having lived with him or sharing a house, etc. This next year will be a good test for us to see if this is something we can truly make happen for all of us as a family.

Thanks everyone for your support!
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Old 05-19-2016, 06:48 AM
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Chin up, do what is right for YOU and your own family.

Most of the critics have skeletons in their own closets they should be tending to.

Hugs.
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