MichelleL62

My 77 year old mother and I recently bought a townhouse together. I did not know her drinking was so bad until right before closing on our home a couple months ago. My Aunt & Uncle were going to come and visit to convince my mom to go back to a rehab (she went in Nov. 2015) but my sister sent them this email & now they are not going to push the issue: "I have discussed the situation with healthcare practitioners from treatment facilities. Unless she wants to quit or at least change, she wont. She will just go back to this behavior as soon as she leaves.

5 stages of change
1- denial there is a problem
2- acknowledgement there is a problem but not wanting to change
3- wanting to change but not ready
4- implementing change
5- maintaining change

The only way treatment will have any real impact is if she is at least at stage 3. She is at stage 1. Otherwise you will just be wasting money.

The only way to save her life is to change her attitude towards alcohol. She has been in treatment twice with no impact to her attitude. Only suggestions I have - She either needs to hit bottom, we do an intervention, someone convinces her.
I don't support treatment facility at this time. I believe it will just make her poor."

Since my mom is 77, weights barely 100 pounds and drinks at least 2 large bottles of vodka plus a few bottles of wine a week I think death will be her rock bottom. Is it a waste of time and money to try to convince her to go another rehab? I feel like I am lacking the support I need from my family. We have all talked till we are blue in the face & but she says she likes to drink, that is who she is.

entropy1964

My father is an alcoholic in denial....he's 84. He hasn't driven in 7 years so essentially he's been moderated, whether he likes it or not. He drinks 2 glasses of wine, plus a beer a day. That's a lot to a normal drinker, but that was breakfast in the past.

Does your Mom still get her own alcohol?

hopeful4

Unfortunately, I agree with the treatment facility and the rest of your family. They have to WANT to stop before it works. If not, it's a waste of time and money.

The reality is, there is no such thing as a "bottom" for many people. They just continue on their behavior and suffer the consequences, while the family suffers as well.

Hugs to you. Alanon or Celebrate Recovery would be good face to face support for you from people who understand.

atalose

If the support you seek from your family is in trying to force her into a rehab then I have to agree with your family and the treatment facility.

Let’s talk about the support you seek, what goes through your mind that you want to do vs what you can do?

It’s the hardest thing in the world to watch someone you love destroy themselves with chemicals/booze and becoming so frustrated and then so resentful because there is not a darn thing we can do for someone who is unwilling to help themselves.

How is her health? Does she have any medical issues where the alcohol consumption interferes with medications?

honeypig

Welcome to SR, Michelle. I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but it's a good thing you are reaching out for both information and support.

I think virtually anyone you speak to or anything you read is going to agree w/the treatment facility; if your mom has no interest in getting sober, it is nothing but a waste of money and a bed in the facility that could be taken by someone who wants help.

There is a lot of information here at SR, and I'd encourage you to read as much as you can, especially the "stickies" at the top of the page. I'd also second the suggestion for Alanon--I've found Alanon literature and meetings to be helpful in terms of both education and support.

You said you bought a townhouse together--are you going to be living there with her, or was this just something you did to help her out and you live elsewhere? If you would be living there, know that living with an active A is not going to be easy, pleasant or healthy for you. Also, does your mom have money issues from her drinking? You might want to think about the possible repercussions from having made this financial commitment w/an active A and how to minimize any risk to your own finances or credit down the road should she stop holding up her end of the deal (a very, very real possibility).

Make sure to protect yourself--you can't stop her from doing whatever she chooses to do (she is an adult, after all, however misguided others may see her as), but you certainly can make sure your own credit rating is not dragged thru the mud and that your own peace of mind is not sacrificed. In short, you can't save her, but you should definitely look after your own interests, however selfish that may sound.

I hope you find the info you need as well as some support for yourself.

Mountainmanbob

No, I would not think it to be a waste of time.
Will it work this time -- there's only One who knows that answer.
At least in the end you will know in your heart and mind
that you tried your best.

Once they are gone from here
if by chance we feel like we fell short
it will always haunt us.

Do your best and let God take care of the rest.


M-Bob

Liveitwell

I don't think it's wrong to try-that is never wrong. But it has to be up to her-I agree with the center, etc on that-unless she truly wants to change, she won't. Hun, my ex father in law was a raging abusive alcoholic-his health got so bad (I mean, disgusting) that he finally quit drinking (supposedly) but the damage to his brain and body and family was done-he spent years in a stupor and not being able to speak well bc his brain was mush-and even a month before he died an awful alcohoic death as his body shut down, he still talked about looking forward to his liver transplant so he could drink again. Some people never wake up and SEE. Some people just die. My ex fil was one of those people. So be it.

I hope your mom makes a different decision. You take care of yourself-that's all you can do!! (And I think you're doing great!)

Refiner

Most likely.
Yes and yes.

Sorry you find yourself in this predicament, Michelle. Stick around and read and post. You'll learn lots. I would suggest you learn the tools to detach with love now that you'll be living together.

dandylion

I agree with MountainManBob......

dandylion

SparkleKitty

I also agree with MountainManBob...but would add that your sister is not being unreasonable. She is within her rights to withdraw her support and detach from your plan. The rest of your family also. If YOU feel you need to do this for your own peace of mind, you should let go of the expectation that others have to be on board as well.

FireSprite

We've been going through this with a client of the same age as your mom for the past year as his alcoholism has progressed dramatically over that time. Forcing him into rehab would be costly & ineffective & is not in his best long-term financial interest - we've had to shift the focus to figuring out how to stretch his money to keep him as safe as possible - like hiring a service to buy his liquor vs. letting him continue to drive himself half-blitzed, increasing his home care from 2 days per week to 4, etc.

I'm of the opinion that it is a total waste unless a person is showing at least SOME desire to quit. Every time Client has an incident & is hospitalized he sobers up, the crisis passes & he can't wait to get back to his drinking. No matter how severe his health concerns have become he has repeatedly stated his desire to continue drinking. It's the one constant in all of this - he has never indicated in ANY way that he has the remotest desire to quit. So, I believe him - he's telling us exactly who he is/wants to be.

It simply doesn't matter what anyone else wants - has she expressed any inclination to quit? What happened after her previous rehab visits? If it was me, I'd spend some time learning about boundaries. If she is determined to drink herself to death then are you willing to watch that happen?

MichelleL62

Thank you for all the input. I put myself into a bad situation I will need to continue living with my mom. I have put money into the home, luckily I am not on the mortgage but I did sign paperwork stating I would live with her for 1 year so she could qualify for the loan. She doesn't have a lot of money but with us splitting everything she should be OK for awhile. It is the taxi rides to the liquor store and all the cigarettes that are eating up her extra money.

I am trying to detach myself without neglecting my mom. Others think I leave her alone too much. But the deal wasn't for me to be her caretaker just a room mate to help with the expenses. It is hard to know how much help she needs. When she is having a good day she can take care of herself fine. When she is drunk it is another story. I am also trying to watch out for myself and my own finances. Thanks again.,

redatlanta

I also agree with MMB. There is nothing wrong with encouraging her to give it another try. What would be wrong for you is to invest a lot of hope, or energy, into trying to get her to go.

As far as your situation....its very typical for codependents to sacrifice their own happiness and safety for another. I know she is your mom, I know you love her, and I know you are in a spot here, I get you have put money in the house. As far as I am concerned you were fraudulently persuaded to help her out,and this is not the deal you signed up for. A caretaker is exactly what you will be unless you make some changes. I wouldn't do anything for her when she is drunk. NOTHING. Don't put her in bed, don't clean up her mess, don't help her. Do not under any circumstance put any money out for her. Put some money to the side. Make a plan B and perhaps if you are willing to leave your mom in her situation it might be enough to make her decide to get help.

Liveitwell

Red-spot on. I think that is the hardest for us Codie's and enablers to understand-we so want to HELP!! But helping an addict is not what they nedd. They need to hit bottom, all alone, all by themselves-with nobody to pull them out. Maybe, maybe then they will choose to change the course of their lives.

Always encourage her to get help-yes! But do not ever sacrifice yourself or your happiness for her....

AnvilheadII

is SHE doesn't want to GO to treatment, i'm not sure how you'd MAKE her? is she lucid? i mean if she just signed closing papers on a new home, at 77, i assume she is still in control of her faculties. she has full control over her own finances, etc? no one else has power of attorney?

sorry, side thought, who gives a 77 year old a home loan, aren't those like 30 year mortgages? she's be 107!!?

other side thought.....if i make it to 77, i'm not sure i really want OTHER PEOPLE telling me how i can live out my days.

not very helpful probably...............best i got.