New and lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 7
New and lost
I have been with the same man for almost 3 years now. He hid his alcoholism very well as we live over 90 miles apart. Long story short he was in a bad car wreck and within a few months tried to commit suicide he is a former marine with severe ptsd which he dealt with by drinking. After his attempt he decided to never drink again and told me how he hid it and how bad it was. We didn't see each other much and he admitted that was due to him being more concerned about when he would get his next drink. Now 8 months after his attempt he has claimed to have stayed sober. We now spend 2 to 3 days a week together. I stay there when I'm off work. Lately there's been beer cans in the trash. He makes a point to say before I get there that someone threw them in his outside trash can or he blames it on his buddy who's also a heavy drinker. But now when I'm not there I'll get weird texts. They don't make sense. Yesterday he was talking and let it slip his buddy was out of state. There's beer cans in his trash so I know it has to be his. I threw out some trash on Monday morning and saw them. Went out Tuesday morning and there was a can on top of the trash bags that wasnt there before. I thought a few times I could smell.it but he said he wasn't drinking. I told him if u do just tell me but now after last night and the weird texts I believe he's drinking again. How do I go about asking as he's always said he hates when people doubt him what do I do? We are at a point in our relationship where we are talking about living together and I want him to be honest but I don't know how to go about asking if hes drinking. I asked him a few.weeks ago and he said no. He's always been upfront if I've asked straight forward questions. I don't want him to feel attacked.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm curious, do random things show up in your OWN trash bin that you did NOT put there? every few days???? same random item?
he's LYING. and DENYING.
i'd really think hard about any next steps with someone that can't be straight up with you about his garbage can............
he's LYING. and DENYING.
i'd really think hard about any next steps with someone that can't be straight up with you about his garbage can............
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
We are at a point in our relationship where we are talking about living together and I want him to be honest but I don't know how to go about asking if hes drinking.
Your eyes see what they see, beer cans in the garbage of someone claiming they are not drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by Dcct 
Lately there's been beer cans in the trash. He makes a point to say before I get there that someone threw them in his outside trash can or he blames it on his buddy who's also a heavy drinker
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Dcct,
Welcome to SR. The old saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Weird texts, lying, smelling alcohol, lots and lots of empty beer cans. Not sure what else you need to accept that he is an alcoholic and alcoholics drink, I'm sorry. They make you question everything, like you are going crazy. This is normal alcoholic behavior.
I am with everyone else regarding moving in together. He lies, and he's drinking again. Do you really want this for the rest of your life? I put up with it for 34 years and it was extremely difficult to leave, while I was so entangled in his web. Please keep reading all this forum, try and hit an alanon meeting or an open AA meeting. Please educate yourself regarding addiction. Alcoholism is progressive an he will only get worse, I can guarantee you that.
Hugs my friend, we are all here for you!!
Welcome to SR. The old saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Weird texts, lying, smelling alcohol, lots and lots of empty beer cans. Not sure what else you need to accept that he is an alcoholic and alcoholics drink, I'm sorry. They make you question everything, like you are going crazy. This is normal alcoholic behavior.
I am with everyone else regarding moving in together. He lies, and he's drinking again. Do you really want this for the rest of your life? I put up with it for 34 years and it was extremely difficult to leave, while I was so entangled in his web. Please keep reading all this forum, try and hit an alanon meeting or an open AA meeting. Please educate yourself regarding addiction. Alcoholism is progressive an he will only get worse, I can guarantee you that.
Hugs my friend, we are all here for you!!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
From the alky standpoint, nothing could stop me from drinking except me.
I didn't lie much, didn't have to, my wife doesn't understand drinking, so she usually enabled me.
I would steer clear of a guy like me unless you like drama, frustration, anger, or worse.
Love usually is not able to defeat addiction imo.
I didn't lie much, didn't have to, my wife doesn't understand drinking, so she usually enabled me.
I would steer clear of a guy like me unless you like drama, frustration, anger, or worse.
Love usually is not able to defeat addiction imo.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Procidence RI
Posts: 44
Well first and for most I'd say Start Al-anon meetings and soon. He sounds like he's denial. If he's hiding what drinks then he doesn't want anyone to know HOW much he's drinking. If you move in that is your chose but it still will go on and he still will say he's NOT or tell you a different amount he consumed. When your not there hit the meetings so you can get a grip on your feelings. Believe me if things spiral down which they will you need to have support if you stay in the relationship. Many Husbands and wives Stay because they do love them BUT go to Al-alnon to learn to love themselves and deal with the alcoholic also while living with the disease. Good luck. Many hugs I'm sober 26 years my BF in now in Rehab and believe me this IS not easy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, dcct, and welcome to SR. As others have said, it's probably not a great idea to move in w/someone you know is lying to you.
There were so many times that XAH seemed just a little "off", not clearly drunk but yet not seeming quite right. Since he was allegedly in recovery, I agonized over asking him if he was drinking. I didn't want to appear like I doubted him. Only a bad wife would doubt her husband, right? And he'd assure me he was sober, looking right into my eyes and lying to me, over a period of years.
He pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years. He'd drive into town and be gone the appropriate amount of time. He'd often have errands to do while in town, and he'd make sure he did those either before or after the meeting he was pretending to attend, so that if I checked the time on the credit card receipt, it wouldn't show that he'd been there during the time he should have been at the meeting. (It would never in a million years have occurred to me to check the receipt time stamp...)
What I'm trying to say is that lying and layers and layers of concealment are nothing unusual when you are involved with an A.
Are you able to articulate what you hope will happen when you find the "right" way to ask him if he's drinking? Do you hope he'll deny it convincingly enough that you can go ahead and move in w/him? Do you hope he'll admit it and say he'll get help? Do you think he actually will get help? Are you willing to stake your future on that promise?
In your shoes, I think it might be a good idea to just put everything on hold for a bit--take some time to educate yourself about alcoholics and alcoholism, so you have some idea what you'd be letting yourself in for if you continue this relationship. SR is a great resource--read around the forums, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Alanon can also be useful for both education and support.
I hope you come back to read and post more. There's a lot here that will likely resonate with you. Take a step back, slow it down, and be sure of what you're doing before you act. I think you'll be glad you did.
I want him to be honest but I don't know how to go about asking if hes drinking. I asked him a few.weeks ago and he said no. He's always been upfront if I've asked straight forward questions. I don't want him to feel attacked.
He pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years. He'd drive into town and be gone the appropriate amount of time. He'd often have errands to do while in town, and he'd make sure he did those either before or after the meeting he was pretending to attend, so that if I checked the time on the credit card receipt, it wouldn't show that he'd been there during the time he should have been at the meeting. (It would never in a million years have occurred to me to check the receipt time stamp...)
What I'm trying to say is that lying and layers and layers of concealment are nothing unusual when you are involved with an A.
Are you able to articulate what you hope will happen when you find the "right" way to ask him if he's drinking? Do you hope he'll deny it convincingly enough that you can go ahead and move in w/him? Do you hope he'll admit it and say he'll get help? Do you think he actually will get help? Are you willing to stake your future on that promise?
In your shoes, I think it might be a good idea to just put everything on hold for a bit--take some time to educate yourself about alcoholics and alcoholism, so you have some idea what you'd be letting yourself in for if you continue this relationship. SR is a great resource--read around the forums, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Alanon can also be useful for both education and support.
I hope you come back to read and post more. There's a lot here that will likely resonate with you. Take a step back, slow it down, and be sure of what you're doing before you act. I think you'll be glad you did.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Welcome DCCT and I'm sorry to hear the reasons that you are here.
This man sounds like he has some very tough issues to address. Russell Brand said about his addiction (more or less what he said), "Heroin wasn't my problem. Reality was my problem. Heroin was the solution". It does sound like your BF has some excruciatingly difficult realities in his life. He may never have the courage to deal with them outside of alcohol. This is truly sad.
You might make him seeking help a condition of continuing the relationship.
Let us know how it goes and big hug to you. This is a very difficult situation.
This man sounds like he has some very tough issues to address. Russell Brand said about his addiction (more or less what he said), "Heroin wasn't my problem. Reality was my problem. Heroin was the solution". It does sound like your BF has some excruciatingly difficult realities in his life. He may never have the courage to deal with them outside of alcohol. This is truly sad.
You might make him seeking help a condition of continuing the relationship.
Let us know how it goes and big hug to you. This is a very difficult situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I'm sorry that you are here-but you are in the best place! Think long and hard about going down this road of moving in with him....it does not sound good. He is very unwell....I know all about the trash lying, my ex used to do it. Please get some support for yourself-your reality is real, it's not distorted....his beer cans are in the trash bc he's drinking-end of story, that is the truth. Hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Let's face it, you don't have to ask him to know that he's drinking.
Don't take the lying personally--it is a survival technique. It doesn't mean he's an untrustworthy person by NATURE, but I can guarantee he will continue to lie about his drinking until he's committed to sobriety.
It's up to you whether to continue the relationship, but I certainly wouldn't combine households knowing that he's still drinking. It WILL get worse.
Hugs,
Don't take the lying personally--it is a survival technique. It doesn't mean he's an untrustworthy person by NATURE, but I can guarantee he will continue to lie about his drinking until he's committed to sobriety.
It's up to you whether to continue the relationship, but I certainly wouldn't combine households knowing that he's still drinking. It WILL get worse.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
There is a silly old poem that comes to mind. Here it is with the English translation:
MA LOVED PA (The codependent loved the alcoholic)
PA LOVED WIMMIN' (The alcoholic loved his booze)
MA CAUGHT PA WITH TWO, IN SWIMMIN'(The codependent was vigilant in her attempts to control the alcoholic and stop him from drinking.)
HERE LIES PA! (Actually, here lies the codependent. His disease will eventually kill YOU.)
Ma'am, there are a LOT of men out there if you want to be with someone. You are entitled to any life you want. If you stick with your current boyfriend, I'll see you here on this forum in about ten years, if you survive.
MA LOVED PA (The codependent loved the alcoholic)
PA LOVED WIMMIN' (The alcoholic loved his booze)
MA CAUGHT PA WITH TWO, IN SWIMMIN'(The codependent was vigilant in her attempts to control the alcoholic and stop him from drinking.)
HERE LIES PA! (Actually, here lies the codependent. His disease will eventually kill YOU.)
Ma'am, there are a LOT of men out there if you want to be with someone. You are entitled to any life you want. If you stick with your current boyfriend, I'll see you here on this forum in about ten years, if you survive.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dcct.....Welcome to the forum! Now, that you have found us...I do hope that y ou will take this opportunity to hang around and Learn...learn...learn...lol....
I can tell that you don't know/understand very much about alcoholism....how it works and the natural course of the disease.....But, who does? Most people don't unless they have had a special reason to.
The "stickies"....just above the threads on the main page....contain a virtual boot camp of education on alcoholism and the l oved ones that it affects.
First off---I can tell you, for sure, that ALL alcoholics lie about their drinking. The "lie" to themselves and everyone else...
Why?......because it is necessary to try to maintain the ability to drink...because, they feel like they literally can't live without it...
They are not drinking to hurt you or lying to hurt YOU!!! It is to protect their drinking. It is not about you....it I about them. You just happen to get in the way....with y our pesky snooping and questions.....
Way, way, down deep...where it is too scary to admit...I suspect that you KNOW that he is drinking and lying about it....But, I also suspect that you are so desperate to keep the relationship in tact that you want him to admit to it and then stop it.....
Here is the sticky wicket for you....the things we were taught about how to deal in relationships were meant for healthy NON-ADDICTED relationships.
Alcoholism and addiction turns all the rules topsy-turvy.
As the others have said...alcoholism is progressive....and, things will get worse after you move in together.
Only he can deal with the alcoholism...when he decides that he needs to.....
You can twist yourself into a pretzel and stand on your head....and it will make you feel "crazy".....but, it won't do anything but wear you down.....
There are thousands or real life stories on this forum, that you can read...straight from the horses' mouths, that support this.....
3Cs....You didn't cause it; y ou can't control it; and you can't "fix" it......(only he can)
My suggestion....don't take any action right now....like moving in.....
Just take this time to learn...learn...learn....
Knowledge is power....
dandylion
I can tell that you don't know/understand very much about alcoholism....how it works and the natural course of the disease.....But, who does? Most people don't unless they have had a special reason to.
The "stickies"....just above the threads on the main page....contain a virtual boot camp of education on alcoholism and the l oved ones that it affects.
First off---I can tell you, for sure, that ALL alcoholics lie about their drinking. The "lie" to themselves and everyone else...
Why?......because it is necessary to try to maintain the ability to drink...because, they feel like they literally can't live without it...
They are not drinking to hurt you or lying to hurt YOU!!! It is to protect their drinking. It is not about you....it I about them. You just happen to get in the way....with y our pesky snooping and questions.....
Way, way, down deep...where it is too scary to admit...I suspect that you KNOW that he is drinking and lying about it....But, I also suspect that you are so desperate to keep the relationship in tact that you want him to admit to it and then stop it.....
Here is the sticky wicket for you....the things we were taught about how to deal in relationships were meant for healthy NON-ADDICTED relationships.
Alcoholism and addiction turns all the rules topsy-turvy.
As the others have said...alcoholism is progressive....and, things will get worse after you move in together.
Only he can deal with the alcoholism...when he decides that he needs to.....
You can twist yourself into a pretzel and stand on your head....and it will make you feel "crazy".....but, it won't do anything but wear you down.....
There are thousands or real life stories on this forum, that you can read...straight from the horses' mouths, that support this.....
3Cs....You didn't cause it; y ou can't control it; and you can't "fix" it......(only he can)
My suggestion....don't take any action right now....like moving in.....
Just take this time to learn...learn...learn....
Knowledge is power....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I thought of this thread today when something on survivors of emotional abuse came across my FB feed....said something like , "yes, the sky IS blue and the grass IS green...you are and were being deceived. Trust yourself.". Seemed pertinent to this situation. (i.e. Those truly are beer cans you're seeing and they truly are his-case closed).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Originally Posted by Dcct
How do I go about asking as he's always said he hates when people doubt him what do I do?
My friend and her AH had a deal "just one case of beer per week". Well, one day, she went to move the cans around in the fridge and every single one was empty! He had finished them all but didn't want her to know blah blah blah.
The point is, they will find a way to drink & no rules or controls will ever work.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CaveGirl....don't beat up on your self too much....consider this: We are taught, growing up, how we are supposed to deal with other people---most of us were taught to be fair and trusting and "do unto others", etc.....various moral teachings from church or society, at large.....
But, we are not taught that addiction or alcoholism turns all the "rules" topsy-turvy! And, the disease of the mind does not care one whit about any "rules"--
it cares only about protecting itself.....
for more on the dynamics of how the alcoholic mind works and lies in relationships...do a google search for the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett....they are among the most helpful that I have ever read, along this line....
dandylion
But, we are not taught that addiction or alcoholism turns all the "rules" topsy-turvy! And, the disease of the mind does not care one whit about any "rules"--
it cares only about protecting itself.....
for more on the dynamics of how the alcoholic mind works and lies in relationships...do a google search for the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett....they are among the most helpful that I have ever read, along this line....
dandylion
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