I'm a mess-divorce final today
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
I'm a mess-divorce final today
I was cruising along separated from XAH and happy for several months thinking how wonderful life was without an alcoholic and then, bam, met a great guy at church. Not really anticipating. We had what appeared to be an amazing connection. He told me very quickly he loved me, I met friends and kids, talked a lot about the future. He seriously said the most AMAZING words to my ears. I was the woman for him... Long conversations.... and then he dumped me.. for reasons I'm still unclear about. He thinks I'm not ready (I've always been honest with him about where I am), we are too different, blahblah. I think he has red flags (narcissism??, 3 divorces--HELLO) but seriously I think the pain from this is worse than the now XAH.
And today my divorce is final. Ugh. I got tearful in court. Originallt, I felt really cool about my new beginning. Until Mr Wonderful dumped me.
Now I just feel broken, uncomfortable. Crying big time for the last couple of days...
I feel like I can't trust my judgement anymore. Alcoholic cheating ex husband. And this great, supposed Christian man. A relationship that I prayed a lot about. He was soooo open with me from the beginning about himself that I let my guard down.
Has anybody been through this? I've been reaching out. A lot. I work from home so the emptiness is hard. Gentle please... I'm pretty down. Ty ♡
And today my divorce is final. Ugh. I got tearful in court. Originallt, I felt really cool about my new beginning. Until Mr Wonderful dumped me.
Now I just feel broken, uncomfortable. Crying big time for the last couple of days...
I feel like I can't trust my judgement anymore. Alcoholic cheating ex husband. And this great, supposed Christian man. A relationship that I prayed a lot about. He was soooo open with me from the beginning about himself that I let my guard down.
Has anybody been through this? I've been reaching out. A lot. I work from home so the emptiness is hard. Gentle please... I'm pretty down. Ty ♡
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I have been through almost exactly this, though I don't have children.
It is not a coincidence that these things are happening at the same time. A major tumultuous change is a poor time to start a relationship with anyone, but it's no surprise you were drawn to someone who came on so strong, so fast. That's a huge red flag.
At the time of my divorce, my judgment was, quite naturally, not great. I would have gotten involved with anyone to avoid dealing with and grieving my lost dreams. I had to choose to be alone until...well, until I was no longer uncomfortable with the idea of being alone.
You are going to be ok. This is normal. It's very hard, but it's normal.
It is not a coincidence that these things are happening at the same time. A major tumultuous change is a poor time to start a relationship with anyone, but it's no surprise you were drawn to someone who came on so strong, so fast. That's a huge red flag.
At the time of my divorce, my judgment was, quite naturally, not great. I would have gotten involved with anyone to avoid dealing with and grieving my lost dreams. I had to choose to be alone until...well, until I was no longer uncomfortable with the idea of being alone.
You are going to be ok. This is normal. It's very hard, but it's normal.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
from my personal observations of the countless stories shared here, ANYTIME the word AMAZING is used to describe the new man and the relationship it's a big REDFLAG.
We had what appeared to be an amazing connection. He told me very quickly he loved me, I met friends and kids, talked a lot about the future. He seriously said the most AMAZING words to my ears
and i think it has to do with getting swept up TOO quickly....before we are truly ready. just carried along in the sparkly wonder of it all. words of love coming too quickly, all the "right" words, designed to take our breath away.
it will take a while for your world to stop spinning. and then you will be glad it did. with your feet planted firmly on solid ground,
We had what appeared to be an amazing connection. He told me very quickly he loved me, I met friends and kids, talked a lot about the future. He seriously said the most AMAZING words to my ears
and i think it has to do with getting swept up TOO quickly....before we are truly ready. just carried along in the sparkly wonder of it all. words of love coming too quickly, all the "right" words, designed to take our breath away.
it will take a while for your world to stop spinning. and then you will be glad it did. with your feet planted firmly on solid ground,
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Just sending big hugs HH!!!!
Did you read Wisconsin's recent thread about forming healthy romantic relationships?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
There's some good insight in there...
You're doing great, this is just a bump in the road, but I'm sorry it's such a painful one
...
hang in there
Did you read Wisconsin's recent thread about forming healthy romantic relationships?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
There's some good insight in there...
You're doing great, this is just a bump in the road, but I'm sorry it's such a painful one
...hang in there
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Wow. This is big....
12) You don't find yourself doing or changing your personal tastes and desires to do things, not doing things, to accommodate the other person, or to be more like them, or to be who they want you to be.
And #14 about respect.
I didn't want to ride a motorcycle with him and he pushed. And convinced me to. And too intimate too fast. Again he pushed. He loved me, we had already met kids and friends, therefore he was serious about me... obviously not.....
12) You don't find yourself doing or changing your personal tastes and desires to do things, not doing things, to accommodate the other person, or to be more like them, or to be who they want you to be.
And #14 about respect.
I didn't want to ride a motorcycle with him and he pushed. And convinced me to. And too intimate too fast. Again he pushed. He loved me, we had already met kids and friends, therefore he was serious about me... obviously not.....
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
Yep, that's a great list, I've went over it several times...
I'm at a similar crossroad this week, mine is final this Friday. And I'm in a relationship with what appears to be a down to earth grounded person.
Reading all the cautions about the "next relationship after leaving an alcoholic", I'm trying to be a careful as I can. Careful about what the other person is bringing to the table and careful with my own emotions and agendas.
I'm at a similar crossroad this week, mine is final this Friday. And I'm in a relationship with what appears to be a down to earth grounded person.
Reading all the cautions about the "next relationship after leaving an alcoholic", I'm trying to be a careful as I can. Careful about what the other person is bringing to the table and careful with my own emotions and agendas.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HHTexas....Almost everyone that I have ever known has been emotional and sad and tearful on the day that the divorce is final.....
LOL...except for me....and I think (know) that it was because I did my grieving process BEFORE I decided to divorce. I had gone to counseling and did a lot of crying.....and, planning while I was still married. I was just so, so, so ready for those prison doors to open.....finally, I was free to be myself, again....
I don't think this is typical for everyone, though....
I have been know to cry with my friends in the day their divorce was final...lol....
Seriously---do read the link that Kboys posted for you.....
The attraction phase of relationship can put us on such a gossamer cloud for several months....what with the hormones of attraction plus the big tide of dompamine that floods our system via Mother Nature-----this is why it is SO important to keep our head in charge of our hearts during that period---and Kboy's link gives some instruction on how to manage that!
dandylion
***the "divorce day" sadness and tears usually abate within 24-48 hours.....
LOL...except for me....and I think (know) that it was because I did my grieving process BEFORE I decided to divorce. I had gone to counseling and did a lot of crying.....and, planning while I was still married. I was just so, so, so ready for those prison doors to open.....finally, I was free to be myself, again....
I don't think this is typical for everyone, though....
I have been know to cry with my friends in the day their divorce was final...lol....
Seriously---do read the link that Kboys posted for you.....
The attraction phase of relationship can put us on such a gossamer cloud for several months....what with the hormones of attraction plus the big tide of dompamine that floods our system via Mother Nature-----this is why it is SO important to keep our head in charge of our hearts during that period---and Kboy's link gives some instruction on how to manage that!
dandylion
***the "divorce day" sadness and tears usually abate within 24-48 hours.....
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
It sounds like it was just too soon HH.
I think that when a relationship ends due to addiction the sober partner is often so ready to start living again that we don't realize we're rushing right out to get more of the DOC we're still trying to walk away from.
We are RARELY ready though, generally not having the time/space to work on our end of things. Even if we have had that clarity & time for ourselves, it's DIFFERENT once you're actually out there LIVING it.
A lot of us don't realize the true GIFT of living alone when we're faced with that living situation for the first time in our lives. ... like we somehow feel incomplete without "something" anchoring us, i.e. tying us down.
Think about it this way - you spent more than 10 years on & off the fence of dealing with addiction in your marriage before finally leaving. You only just filed for divorce months ago & even that was driven by his lies & not you just up & walking away because YOU were ready. Your ex has only been gone since January and we're only just halfway through May! Is it really fair to YOU to already be factoring in a new person's needs/wants/lifestyle before really defining your own? In the past you've posted about your fear of being alone having a lot to do with why you stayed & it's not a stretch to believe that has a lot to do with why you were eager to jump into another relationship so quickly/easily & blow past red flags, is it?
((((HUGS)))) This stuff is NOT easy & you've been living in it all for a very long time!
I think that when a relationship ends due to addiction the sober partner is often so ready to start living again that we don't realize we're rushing right out to get more of the DOC we're still trying to walk away from.
We are RARELY ready though, generally not having the time/space to work on our end of things. Even if we have had that clarity & time for ourselves, it's DIFFERENT once you're actually out there LIVING it.
A lot of us don't realize the true GIFT of living alone when we're faced with that living situation for the first time in our lives. ... like we somehow feel incomplete without "something" anchoring us, i.e. tying us down.
Think about it this way - you spent more than 10 years on & off the fence of dealing with addiction in your marriage before finally leaving. You only just filed for divorce months ago & even that was driven by his lies & not you just up & walking away because YOU were ready. Your ex has only been gone since January and we're only just halfway through May! Is it really fair to YOU to already be factoring in a new person's needs/wants/lifestyle before really defining your own? In the past you've posted about your fear of being alone having a lot to do with why you stayed & it's not a stretch to believe that has a lot to do with why you were eager to jump into another relationship so quickly/easily & blow past red flags, is it?
((((HUGS)))) This stuff is NOT easy & you've been living in it all for a very long time!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Man, I made a crappy decision about buying a used car soon after my divorce--I can only imagine how much worse I would have done if I'd tried to make a decision about a possible romantic partner!
Hugs, HH--you're gonna be OK. Take it slow, build the foundation first before you put the pretty weather vane on top of the tower...
Hugs, HH--you're gonna be OK. Take it slow, build the foundation first before you put the pretty weather vane on top of the tower...
lmao
^^^^^^^
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I was cruising along separated from XAH and happy for several months thinking how wonderful life was without an alcoholic and then, bam, met a great guy at church. Not really anticipating. We had what appeared to be an amazing connection. He told me very quickly he loved me, I met friends and kids, talked a lot about the future. He seriously said the most AMAZING words to my ears. I was the woman for him... Long conversations.... and then he dumped me.. for reasons I'm still unclear about. He thinks I'm not ready (I've always been honest with him about where I am), we are too different, blahblah. I think he has red flags (narcissism??, 3 divorces--HELLO) but seriously I think the pain from this is worse than the now XAH.
Lots of hugs my dear. Divorce/splitting up is painful. I am glad its final - now you really can "move on"
Truthfully, someone who is in the middle of a divorce is really not at a good point to be moving into a serious relationship. I'm sure the newness and delight were a welcome relief from what you have been through, and dealing with a divorce. Your judgment was most likely skewed.
Give yourself some time to figure out what it is you want for your future, including your future partner.
Lots of hugs my dear. Divorce/splitting up is painful. I am glad its final - now you really can "move on"
Truthfully, someone who is in the middle of a divorce is really not at a good point to be moving into a serious relationship. I'm sure the newness and delight were a welcome relief from what you have been through, and dealing with a divorce. Your judgment was most likely skewed.
Give yourself some time to figure out what it is you want for your future, including your future partner.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
You've cleared the slate, HH. I think an emotional response is pretty natural at the pace you've been moving.
As for the Christian dude with 3 past marriages, well you learned your picker is still whack a mole for a problem child.
As for the Christian dude with 3 past marriages, well you learned your picker is still whack a mole for a problem child.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I second CodeJob-your picker is still off....and that's ok! It takes time to heal, esp after what you've been through. Hugs to you-things will get better. Just please don't try to fill the void or numb your pain with another person promising the world and to end your pain. You are good enough for YOU!!!!
P.S. Sounds like Christian dude is a little full of himself-humble isn't his middle name, but pride and arrogance just may be...
P.S. Sounds like Christian dude is a little full of himself-humble isn't his middle name, but pride and arrogance just may be...
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi HH,
I just wanted to say that from where I sit, 6 months separated and wading in a swamp of divorce ugliness with my hopefully STBXAH, the fact that the divorce is final sounds like an AMAZING accomplishment I can understand the sadness at breaking up with a guy that seemed so right, but, on the other hand, maybe that relationship helped you to move on . . . and God knows we needed to move on, right? Take care--
I just wanted to say that from where I sit, 6 months separated and wading in a swamp of divorce ugliness with my hopefully STBXAH, the fact that the divorce is final sounds like an AMAZING accomplishment
I can understand the sadness at breaking up with a guy that seemed so right, but, on the other hand, maybe that relationship helped you to move on . . . and God knows we needed to move on, right? Take care--
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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I'm just really glad Mr. Amazing is gone, because he sounds like a big ol' piece of work and you could have been divorce #4. That type loves to swoop in on the vulnerable and be the hero...for a while, anyway.
He may come back around...narcissists are like cold sores. They just keep coming back.
Kick him to the curb if he does...just my two cents, because honey, I've got the tee shirt. Or shirts, actually!
Sending you a hug.
He may come back around...narcissists are like cold sores. They just keep coming back.
Kick him to the curb if he does...just my two cents, because honey, I've got the tee shirt. Or shirts, actually!
Sending you a hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Thanks all. Did a lot of reading about narcissistic tendencies today and it hit me between the eyes. Still hurts but softening the sting a bit. Also met with a counselor. She said something so basic and yet so profound to me---that nothing is WRONG with me. I'm a nice, smart, easy on the eyes gal that's got her act together with a beautiful little boy as a bonus. Kind of made my day. Love to you all--- I always feel welcomed and understood here.
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