Being honest with myself and my ABF
 

I lost a lot of faith and my relationship with god after my sister died in 2007 and then that turned into something uglier when my husband died in 2010. I finally admitted my life had become unmanageable and I could no longer attempt to play the role of god in my own life and the life of abf. I decided it was time to return to my life of faith. Faith that God will help and lead me where I need to be for me. I have noticed changes in my family as well. Who knew letting go could bring so much peace? I did go to my first face to face meeting last week and continue to read and listen to as much as I can. Feeling a lot better.

My abf drank a few nights ago, after being sober a week and a few days. Made me kind of mad at first. I read my prayers and didn't fight it. We did not fight. He's not normally and angry drunk unless I say things I shouldn't. I don't want him drinking and driving so I will let it go. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I also didn't pay for the booze. We slept in the bed together and had a decent conversation. He's nervous. Today we're taking my older three kids to see their grandparents. My husband (their son) died almost six years ago. I think he copes with his feelings this way. Probably the only way he knows how. I feel bad he knows no other way sometimes. But I realize I can't make that happen no matter how much I want. Thanks for letting me share.

is it necessary to bring your BF to visit the parents of your deceased husband? i understand your BF might feel awkward, but it is NO EXCUSE to drink. try not to fall into the "oh poor him, he doesn't know any other way" trap.

He's not normally and angry drunk unless I say things I shouldn't. that sounds like YOU are taking the blame for HIS angry outbursts....that all will be well if YOU just keep your mouth shut. don't let HIM run the show.....you have your hands full with a houseful of kids!!!

glad you were able to get to a meeting. i hope you can get to more soon!!!

I meant as far as me picking a fight with him and he didn't have to go. I am making excuses in my post. Ugh practice not perfection for me.

i hope the trip goes well. and i hope you continue to gain the clarity you need to determine if this relationship is positive and beneficial to the life you want to lead.

I pray for this as well. I am working on me because that is what I can do. I can make no promises about the relationship at this point. I am okay with that. One day at a time.

In my experience, a a person either has anger issues, or they don't. There is never a circumstance of they don't except for me, or unless I do this, or that, or don't do this or that. They are, or they aren't.

In my experience, an alcoholic is always waiting for an excuse to place blame - on anyone, anything, other than themselves.

My ex used to cope with everything by drinking. And yeah, it was because it was the only way he learned to, but he was certainly capable of learning better ways. He is still certainly capable of learning better ways. I pity him for that, because he doesn't even try. It's really sad, to not even try, but everyone is capable of trying. It took me a long time to learn this myself. That's what made the difference for me - understanding that they are doing their own learned coping, but also understanding that they can learn better ways to cope - they just don't. Certainly it is a lot more complex, but on the surface, we can all do A or B.

That's the biggest thing that has kept me from falling for it all over again with my ex - that's what has kept me from engaging with him when he's tried. For me, I can't fathom the decision of continuing to cope in this way when it negatively affects so many other people outside of that person - and they realize this at some point, but continue to do it because "it's all they know." I can't fathom doing something hurtful without even trying another way.

It sounds like you're taking the meetings as a positive for you - that's great. I hope you keep it up. Take care of yourself.

I am trying my best and it is hard to let go of my tendencies. I will continue to work on me.

We're all capable, but change is never easy. Keep it up!

Hello I'm sober4me,

Being aware of the situation and praying to let go and let God is really good work.

Keep making decisions based on peace and your safety and you'll keep growing just fine.