alandjake59

Hi-

My husband is an alcoholic and we have 2 small children. He refuses to get outside help. I live 2 hrs away from any of my family and friends, and I am at the point now that I don't live who I am because of how I deal with him and his drinking. He is drunk 6 days/nights a week. It used to be he did it at night, and it was just me who saw him this way. Now he drinks during the day to get over his hangovers from drinking the night before. The day he doesn't drink he is miserable and now has developed the shakes. He has lost his lisence 2 times, and in a month he will lose it again after he goes to court. He works, and I stay home. 4 out of the six times he is drunk a week, he says nasty things. Last week he threatened to stab me in the face, he tells me all the time to leave, and he wants a divorce. He has in the past 2 weeks tried to do unsafe things with my daughter who is 3. After saying no, he put my daughter on a quad and was going to drive her around the yard. I took the keys. Last night he was putting her power wheels jeep away and our shed, and put her on the roof. I took her down the second I saw it.

I do love him, if he didn't have this problem I wouldn't consider leaving, but he won't even get help to fix it, so what am I staying for? I am afraid if I am not around when he is with the kids, something will happen to one of them. My son is only one. I am also afraid if I give him an ultimatum, get help or we leave, he will say okay, bye. then get better and leave us in the dust.

His family is very aware of his problem, and his brother won't even talk to him.

I don't know what to do. If I leave, can I get sole custody until he gets sober, and can I make sure he will have to have supervised visits with the kids? This house is in his name only, so if I leave do I get anything from that. We have only been married for a year and a half.

I am so confused of what to do. Thanks for listening.

Gabe

Hey alandjake,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Your questions are probably better answered by an attorney.
Most family law attornies will give you a free consultation.
As for whether to stay or go, that is a personal decision that only you can make.
You sound scared and living with someone you're scared of is not a good thing.
I'm glad you're here, stick around.
Gabe

WHYOWHY

HI - I just joined this chat site today and while I also am the wife of an Alcoholic husband......I don't have small children to worry about. This adds a whole new & I am sure ..frightening aspect to dealing with your situation.
I hope some of the more seasoned chatters on this site can help direct you to some place or organization who can help.
It sucks that you are so far from friends & family.......it would at least be a temporary place to go when things get out of control.
I wish you the best & I hope for the both of us that our husbands stop drinking!!!!!!!!

alandjake59

that I found the right place to turn to have real people to talk to about all of this. I am truly sorry for our situations, but thankful already for this site. Have to go get my babies to bed, I will get back on after to read somemore.

Thanks all

StandingStrong

I hope that I do not make you upset, but as I read your post I saw many RED FLAGS. Him threatening to stab you in the face, him putting your children in danger, etc. - these are all very big red flags in my book. You are scared, you don't/can't trust him with your children, etc.
I understand that you love this man. But I'm betting that being so far away from your family makes you feel rather "trapped" and you probably live in fear and lonliness most (if not all) of the time.
This is no way to live. I'm not one to tell someone else when to leave - but I really think that you need to seriously evaluate your relationship and the lack of safe conditions that you are all living in. Is it really worth it?
There are a lot of lawyers out there that offer a first time consultation for free. If you are looking for legal advice, you can always try to find a lawyer that will offer a free consult so that you know what you are up against. There are also many websites that cover the state's different laws.

I feel badly for you as I cannot imagine living the way that you are. I only hope that you will stay safe.

skyleh

I am so sorry you are going through this...you do not deserve to live in such fear. Living with an alcoholic with young children is scarey enough with out the added threat of violence. I hope that you are able to find an answer to your question..seek a lawyer to help you with your legal questions and your HP for guidence....thats what helped me. Please be safe!!!

splendra

alandjake-

I too am concerned about your safety. I want to encourage you to realize that yours and your childrens safety are a top priorty!!!! Love has nothing to do with it. If you are not safe you need to get out pronto. There are shelters for women like you and they will help you find legal help and safety. Look in the government section of your local phone book. Don't wait for something really bad to happen before you get help please!!!

alandjake59

he is a mean drunk. he shoved me once, he just says horrible things. I just want to get to a place emotionally that I can just not be emotional about it. He spent wednesday night drinking, and sadly I got so mad I was talking to him about getting help, and how he was choosing our lives for us, I was getting forced to make a decision for all of us by myself. His day off was thursday, and I sent my daughter to her grandma's, and came home and sat down to talk to him. He did his usual whatever you want me to do i'll do, just don't be so mad.I'm sorry, and so on. Then he left to run an errand and came back 4 hrs later drunk again. I hate it when he is around our kids like that. He smells awful, and I can't help but treat him like a child in front of the kids when he gets like that. I was trying to put my daughter to bed and he comes ina dn lays on her bed, she's telling him to leave so she can go to bed, and he's just lying in there.

So this morning he was supposed to work at nine, and ended up working it out so ge could go in for 1. My daughter had dance this morning at 10:30. When my kids were watching their morning show, I went into the bedroom shut the door and was saying all of these horrible things to him. I told him he was disgusting, I hated him, so I am just as bad as he is saying horrible things, only I am sober when I say them, so he holds that over my head.

We purposely stayed out of the house until he was supposed to be gone. He ended being there, was all ticked off that I didn't bring my kids home right after dance so he could play with them. In my eyes, he doesn't deserve to have time with them if he won't even make an effort to get help and save our marriage.

I know I am wrong for all of the name calling, but I hate the fact that he thnks he has the right to do this to us, and expect us to be around.

I just want to wake up one morning and have him say he is truly sorry for all he has put us through, and that he is leaving to go get help.

redrose0729

You wish what the rest of us wish. I learned not long ago that there is no sence in arguing with an alcoholic because the whole disease makes no sence. He illness has nothing to do with you it is about him . It is his problem and only he can make the decision to get help and nothing you can do is going to speed that up. He has to deal with the consequences of his actions and you need to set boundries for yourself. Those boundries are not to punish him but just to establish what you can and cannot live with. I would consult an attorney about the leagal issues you are asking about. I also think it would be worth it to you if you could attend an alanon meetings also.
Best wishes to you and Hugs.
Rose

GettingSober

Tell him you are giving him his last chance then do not engage with him and try to just appease his rages. Meanwhile if he does not heed your warning begin quietly documenting his 'unsafe parenting' and drunkeness. Get some free legal advice during this time too and be sure to shop around until you know your dealing with a good person who also has laywering skills. When you have what you need you go for divorce and demand supervised visitation until he proves he is sober and responsible. If you fail to get supervised visitation, then you can still get it later if you can prove something. My sister was able to get it. If he finds your documentation about him - you will be in danger on the next rage so play it right and dont slip up. Remember even a diary with dates and thoughts can come into play, tape record his threats to you and you prolly have an airtight case of Domestic Violence against him.

kfa2004

GettingSober is right. Those are the exact things that my attorney told me to do with my AH when our kids were smaller. Be very careful not to leave the "writings" laying around where you AH can find them. At the time I was having to document things happening my attorney had me running copies of the notes at the end of every week and mailing them for him to keep in his file.
AFter having been through an experience close to what you are describing I can tell you that I too am very concerned. My AH was a very good, caring man until he drank then he turned into a monster. He started out just saying mean and hurtful things, the he progressed to shoving me around, then slamming me up against the wall and trying to choke me while holding our 2 yr old son. The violence does progress. Be very careful.
Hugs
Kat

gelfling

You do need to get out of there with your children. Exposing them to the hate and conflicts will scar them. That's a promise. My son is 24 and having difficulty working his recovery program. And a lot of it I blame on myself because I was too selfish to leave. Now, many years later, I can look back--hind sight and all that.

Your safety and that of your children should come first. Absolutely no one is more precious then you and your little ones. Making threats to him only makes them meaner and further justifies their need to drink.

If you can't go to your family, find a shelter now. Don't wait until you or the kids have been physically harmed.

It is his disease. Not one of us on this earth can cure the alcoholic. It's up to them and their higher power.

Please, please, please find help for you and the kids.

Grace and Blessings, Kathy

GettingSober

You know I skimmed over the 3-year old on the roof thing but someone commented on it. I do everything holding her hand and constantly teach her safety. 'The sidewalk is safe'. I tell her not to trust me or grandpa or anyone so she looks both ways and gives me a traffic report.

Was he at least holding her with his non-driving hand, you know reaching up on the roof and securing her ? If she was loose, anything upsetting the cart could send her flying for a parlayzing neck injury.

Was there anything at all securing her ?

JT

It gives me a rash when someone jumps right in talking about lawyers GettingSober. Alandjake you have a lot of confusion in your post and until you are clearer that choice would be premature. It would be awful to bolt too soon and wonder if you could have done more. That is how people end up playing yo yo with a marriage. Now that IS damaging to the children. The most empowering thing you can do right now is to have a plan. Get informed about alcoholism and how it affects the family, don't leave your children alone with him if you are worried about it and find out where you stand legally and financially. Hang here or find Alanon or both which will give you invaluable perspective. Oh and do all of this One Day at a Time.

Hugs,
JT

GettingSober

JT I said get some free legal advice.

"Get some free legal advice"

None of this breakup happens without at least an arbitrator even for amicable breakups. Going to attorneys is what finally convinced my friend to stay with his wife and 2 daughters.

The most important thing in my mind is the childrens safety and if they are actually being put in unsafe situations ( I did not get any clarification on the original statement ) then you have to prepare for what comes next - the legal process.

Everybody should get some free advice and know whats going to happen if they choose to go that route. I was told years ago that in this county I would be living out of my car, that I would have to say goodbye to 80% of my income. That makes me try harder to make it work.

My friend left a gal, she had 2 College Degrees and he had none, they had no children and yet he had to pay her 80,000.00

You would be surprised what happens when you hand your lives over to the judicial system, its a big eye-opener.