Gas lighting as an abuse tactic

Old 05-16-2016, 07:30 PM
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Gas lighting as an abuse tactic

One of the best articles I've read on gaslighting-not written like a medical journal but real world experience. Number 3 jumped out at me above all the others I definitely nodded my head to re my ex. Spot on. Many conversations, too many to count, were me bringing up an issue of an abusuve incident he had done and ended with me feeling like I had done sonething wrong and crying. And then being called the abusive one when I was defending myself from constant emotional , mental, verbal, spiritual and physical abuse. Sick. Abyway, thought this would be helpful for some of y'all-these things don't trigger me like they used to-I now read them and say, yep....and thank The Lord this stuff is not in my home anymore.

10 Things I've Learned About Gaslighting As An Abuse Tactic ? Everyday Feminism

Peace to you tonight!
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Old 05-17-2016, 08:58 AM
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This is helpful and hits home
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:51 AM
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Wow, great article, FOG Thanks
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Old 08-31-2016, 05:40 AM
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Liveitwell, Thank you.
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Old 08-31-2016, 12:16 PM
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I really appreciate the article; thanks for the reminder/bump, Jodc. I think the most useful thing for me was to recognize that it doesn't have to be intentional. Even after I realized that AXH was abusive, I had a really hard time with the concept that he'd intentionally plot ways to make me feel like I was going crazy. I understood that he felt entitled to behave exactly as he pleased without regard to how I felt, but it was a huge jump to realize that that sense of entitlement also allowed him to re-write how events actually happened.

This may be slightly OT, but I have to admit that I finally watched the movie for the first time this week. There was a scene where Gregory (played by Boyer) mentioned to Paula (Ingrid Bergman's character) that they'd be attending a concert that evening and Paula was over-the-top happy. Such a little thing elicited such a monumental swell of happiness; before AXH I don't think I would have understood that scene. I distinctly remember, though, feeling exactly the same way when AXH would say, "We're were going to go do *this* today." And looking back, I can completely see how he thought he was being so, incredibly kind and benevolent to agree to do so, even when he ended up cancelling it.
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Old 08-31-2016, 01:26 PM
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Wow. Just wow. This explains a lot!
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Old 08-31-2016, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
I think the most useful thing for me was to recognize that it doesn't have to be intentional. .
YES. I had a long discussion with a friend after the whole Johnny Depp/Amber Heard story broke a couple of months ago, and my message was:

1. Yes, sometimes people make false accusations of abuse.
2. Yes, sometimes people manipulate and egg people on in toxic relationships.
3. Yes, someone can be abusive and gaslight you and ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE THEY ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG.
4. Yes, someone can be abusive and gaslight you and have friends who believe they are doing nothing wrong, and those friends might just write editorials about how innocent the abuser is because the friends ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE the abuser is innocent.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my STBXAH has painted me as a horrible, ungrateful person to his friends and the few family members he talks to. I am quite sure that many of his friends look at me the same way so many people looked at Amber Heard when she first made her allegations. Nobody knows what went down in that marriage except the two people in it, but I certainly know that in my marriage, I was abused and gaslighted all. the. time. Prior to finding SR and Al Anon, I had no idea I was being gaslighted. My STBXAH knows my insecurities and my issues very, very well. His gaslighting and abuse were specifically designed to pick away at the aspects of my personality that he knew were vulnerable. Even now, one year after I finally left him, he STILL knows how to do it. He can still make me feel like I'm crazy on occasion. I'm sure it wasn't hard for him to convince others (most of whom I have never met) that I am crazy.

*sigh* It has been a rough week. Thank you for this reminder, and the validation that I always, always get here.
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Old 08-31-2016, 07:01 PM
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I happened to watch the 1940 Gaslight film on YouTube today and just wanted to observe that it's been a long time since a movie could send shivers down my spine as this one did.
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Old 08-31-2016, 10:26 PM
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I've been a victim of gaslighting systematic abuse and it's one of the cruelest things. To distort and manipulate someone's reality (what's real and what isn't)one so that their senses are twisted and can't be trusted. Mine started in childhood plus a relationship in my adult life, a narcissist. Learning to trust oneself is a long process.
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