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Feeling shellshocked. Girlfriend of alcoholic boyfriend. How do I begin to heal?



Feeling shellshocked. Girlfriend of alcoholic boyfriend. How do I begin to heal?

Old 05-18-2016, 07:17 AM
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Thank you all for responding. I guess it is a pretty hopeless situation. Chances of him getting better seem slim to none from what I'm hearing. Hard to hear but I guess the truth is what I need.
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Old 05-18-2016, 07:25 AM
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Healing and and peace to you Fgh!

Miracles do happen but but hoping for a miracle is not exactly a plan for the future.
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Old 05-18-2016, 08:19 AM
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It’s like a house on fire, you discover the fire you react quickly trying to get everyone out doing anything and everything you can so that everyone is safe and sound. But afterwards you need to investigate then mediate the cause so that it doesn’t happen again.

Same with addiction, we discover what they are doing and we react quickly and frantically trying everything and anything to exhaustion to get them to stop. And if by chance they do, the root cause still needs to be investigated and mediated……………and only they can do that and only if they truly want to change their lives and are making themselves a priority to do so.

As it’s said there is always hope….but…hope is not a plan.
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Old 05-18-2016, 03:40 PM
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Originally Posted by fgh55 View Post
Thank you all for responding. I guess it is a pretty hopeless situation. Chances of him getting better seem slim to none from what I'm hearing. Hard to hear but I guess the truth is what I need.
Sometimes educating yourself with alcoholism, drug abuse, codependency, etc. really gives a lot of insight to a very difficult situation. Often we find ourselves in terrible relationships and end up the victims but there has also been lots of studies and information out there if you just look about women with similar situations as yours. We too have a big part to play, it does take two to tango. Many strong, confident, happy, independent women would just run at the first signs of alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, drugs. Why do we stay, and keep staying time and again? Why is it that we keep lowering that bar when once upon a time certain things were a deal-breaker? More importantly than to find a solution of how to change him, working on yourself to become the best you is key.
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Old 05-18-2016, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by alcoholics wife View Post
Sometimes educating yourself with alcoholism, drug abuse, codependency, etc. really gives a lot of insight to a very difficult situation. Often we find ourselves in terrible relationships and end up the victims but there has also been lots of studies and information out there if you just look about women with similar situations as yours. We too have a big part to play, it does take two to tango. Many strong, confident, happy, independent women would just run at the first signs of alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, drugs. Why do we stay, and keep staying time and again? Why is it that we keep lowering that bar when once upon a time certain things were a deal-breaker? More importantly than to find a solution of how to change him, working on yourself to become the best you is key.
Thank you for this. I know I have played a role in my own misery. I would like to understand what is happening with me and why I am constantly lowering the bar so to speak. Love shouldn't feel this way. I don't know when I stopped being able to say no. I don't know when I started putting others needs before my own. That's part of why I feel lost. I do need to understand. I will look into some books, or some help. I need to do some serious work on myself.
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Old 05-18-2016, 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by fgh55 View Post
Thank you for this. I know I have played a role in my own misery. I would like to understand what is happening with me and why I am constantly lowering the bar so to speak. Love shouldn't feel this way. I don't know when I stopped being able to say no. I don't know when I started putting others needs before my own. That's part of why I feel lost. I do need to understand. I will look into some books, or some help. I need to do some serious work on myself.
You've done a great first step in coming here.

I used to think why me? What happened? Why can't I just have a 'normal' relationship? Why am I so unlucky with love? Why am I 'that' girl that ended up with an alcoholic, drug abuser who was causing me such anxiety? I stayed in a dysfunctional relationship for way longer than I ever thought I would. When I finally hit my rock bottom with him and found the courage to leave, it was freedom and a breath of fresh air. Back then though I didn't know anything about alcoholism, codependency, dysfunctional relationships etc. So it's no wonder I ended up falling in love with another alcoholic! (My now husband.) The saying is really true, you really are as sick as the person you are with. Looking back, I dated guys who were not my "type" and therefore led nowhere. Looking back though, those were the guys that were the best chance for a 'normal' relationship but I would have sabotaged that anyhow because a confident, independent, happy man would not put up with a dependent, needy, clingy, controlling codependent like me. It took a lot of soul searching and still working on it.
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Old 05-18-2016, 05:41 PM
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I'm really finding all of this interesting and helpful. I'm going to bring this up with my counsellor next week. I've been having a few phone sessions with a counsellor which is somewhat helpful. I have just been doing some reading on codependency. I'm not sure that I'm totally convinced that I have all of the characteristics. But I'm willing to explore this further. I don't find myself to be needy or controlling. But I wonder waft my BF would say. Really thank you for all of this info. It's very helpful.
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Old 05-18-2016, 09:30 PM
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Originally Posted by fgh55 View Post
I'm really finding all of this interesting and helpful. I'm going to bring this up with my counsellor next week. I've been having a few phone sessions with a counsellor which is somewhat helpful. I have just been doing some reading on codependency. I'm not sure that I'm totally convinced that I have all of the characteristics. But I'm willing to explore this further. I don't find myself to be needy or controlling. But I wonder waft my BF would say. Really thank you for all of this info. It's very helpful.
When my qualifier got into meth I got out almost at once but I had seen it coming from a long way off as he came from a pretty messed up background.

Because my involvement with an addict was short and my life never got really crazy, some of the codependency info doesn't ring true for me. However, I certainly have the codependent characteristics that made this man attractive to me. Like Alcoholicwife, I wouldn't have been interested in a heathy man.
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Old 05-18-2016, 09:38 PM
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I have just been doing some reading on codependency. I'm not sure that I'm totally convinced that I have all of the characteristics.
I don't have ALL the characteristics either, but I have enough of them to have caused me trouble all along, and working on those characteristics I DO have is definitely making things go better in my life. Labels are labels, what matters is what works, IMHO.

And maybe codependency really isn't part of the problem for you. One size doesn't fit all, that is for sure...
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Old 05-19-2016, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I don't have ALL the characteristics either, but I have enough of them to have caused me trouble all along, and working on those characteristics I DO have is definitely making things go better in my life. Labels are labels, what matters is what works, IMHO.

And maybe codependency really isn't part of the problem for you. One size doesn't fit all, that is for sure...
Yes it may not be the problem for me. But it may be so it's worth exploring further. I think aside from the alcohol addiction and all it brought to the relationship, there is also the layer of abuse that I need to recover from. While I was in it I was seeing it happening, but felt almost detached from it. Like I knew it was wrong, and I knew it was not what I wanted, but I felt like I was trapped in a way, and I would just move on from certain incidents. Looking back now, I see the control he had placed over me. He would threaten to hurt himself and even tried to do so once. I was terrified that he would. Now that he has been sober a few months and has been exploring his own behaviors he has been telling me that all of the things he did to me were wrong. He is acknowledging that he was abusive and controlling and that he wants to work on how he treats others. He acknowledges that he is quite mentally ill and it will take him a while to truly learn some new life skills. So our talks have been good, but I take them with a grain of salt. Like others have stated, he is in a safe place right now and is supported. The true test will be after he leaves and is out on his own.

Anyway, I know that I need to stop making things about him and think about myself and my role in the situation. I never thought I would get myself stuck in a situation like that. It scares me to think of the power he had over me even though I am financially independent, have no children of my own, and have a strong and supportive network of friends and family, I still couldn't walk away. I feel for anyone who feels trapped and judged by others for not leaving. I now know that sometimes the fear is too strong and overtakes everything. Him being arrested and forced to go to treatment was the best thing that could happen to me at that time. It gave me the space away from the suffocating hold he had over me and I am now able to begin to see things for what they were. I look back to three months ago and I was a mess. I was barely getting by. He literally sucked the life out of me. Even the first month after he left I was living in a state of shock, going through the motions of my day, but numb to all I went through. Now as I find myself immersed in the anger stage of things, I am finally feeling again. Even though the feelings are confusing and fleeting, at least I am finally feeling some of the backlogged emotions that I had suppressed during so many overlapping moments of distress. It's crazy how our bodies work. How the energy we think we have pushed away will always find it's way out, it's a beautiful thing really. A great reminder from my own body to take care of myself. Every tear I shed, every punching bag that I hit, and rock that I kick, is my body telling me to release the poison I had bottled up inside of me. And I am thankful for that. I am really learning to love and respect myself because I deserve that.
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Old 05-19-2016, 01:48 PM
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Yes you are right you do deserve love and respect.

It doesn't sound like he was being loving and respectful towards you.

BUT the great thing is we can be loving and respectful to ourselves. And that is empowering and builds our self-esteem.


Originally Posted by fgh55 View Post
Yes it may not be the problem for me. But it may be so it's worth exploring further. I think aside from the alcohol addiction and all it brought to the relationship, there is also the layer of abuse that I need to recover from. While I was in it I was seeing it happening, but felt almost detached from it. Like I knew it was wrong, and I knew it was not what I wanted, but I felt like I was trapped in a way, and I would just move on from certain incidents. Looking back now, I see the control he had placed over me. He would threaten to hurt himself and even tried to do so once. I was terrified that he would. Now that he has been sober a few months and has been exploring his own behaviors he has been telling me that all of the things he did to me were wrong. He is acknowledging that he was abusive and controlling and that he wants to work on how he treats others. He acknowledges that he is quite mentally ill and it will take him a while to truly learn some new life skills. So our talks have been good, but I take them with a grain of salt. Like others have stated, he is in a safe place right now and is supported. The true test will be after he leaves and is out on his own.

Anyway, I know that I need to stop making things about him and think about myself and my role in the situation. I never thought I would get myself stuck in a situation like that. It scares me to think of the power he had over me even though I am financially independent, have no children of my own, and have a strong and supportive network of friends and family, I still couldn't walk away. I feel for anyone who feels trapped and judged by others for not leaving. I now know that sometimes the fear is too strong and overtakes everything. Him being arrested and forced to go to treatment was the best thing that could happen to me at that time. It gave me the space away from the suffocating hold he had over me and I am now able to begin to see things for what they were. I look back to three months ago and I was a mess. I was barely getting by. He literally sucked the life out of me. Even the first month after he left I was living in a state of shock, going through the motions of my day, but numb to all I went through. Now as I find myself immersed in the anger stage of things, I am finally feeling again. Even though the feelings are confusing and fleeting, at least I am finally feeling some of the backlogged emotions that I had suppressed during so many overlapping moments of distress. It's crazy how our bodies work. How the energy we think we have pushed away will always find it's way out, it's a beautiful thing really. A great reminder from my own body to take care of myself. Every tear I shed, every punching bag that I hit, and rock that I kick, is my body telling me to release the poison I had bottled up inside of me. And I am thankful for that. I am really learning to love and respect myself because I deserve that.
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Old 05-19-2016, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
When my qualifier got into meth I got out almost at once but I had seen it coming from a long way off as he came from a pretty messed up background. Because my involvement with an addict was short and my life never got really crazy, some of the codependency info doesn't ring true for me. However, I certainly have the codependent characteristics that made this man attractive to me. Like Alcoholicwife, I wouldn't have been interested in a heathy man.
I too don't have all the qualifiers for a codependent. In fact, it took me a while to come to the realization that I was one. Similar to the alcoholic stage of denial. "I have my own hobbies, pay my own bills, have a good career, make good income, come from parents who were non-alcoholics etc." but I really could not see my own sickness. At the core of it, I've lost a sense of self. I was always too preoccupied with what my spouse is doing and how to "fix" the dysfunctional relationship instead of fixing ME. The fact that I could think that if Spouse would quit drinking, drugging, gambling, XY and Z then that would equal a happy marriage which would equal a happy me. I failed to realize that I'm constantly trying to jam a square peg into a round hole! It ain't gunna happen and the fact that I thought it could was just insanity.
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Old 05-20-2016, 07:29 AM
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The fact that I could think that if Spouse would quit drinking, drugging, gambling, XY and Z then that would equal a happy marriage which would equal a happy me.
I resisted calling myself "codependent" for a long time too. I was certain I knew about codependent women (those meek, mousy little people who can't make decisions, who don't have jobs, who depend on their husband for everything and who can't cope with the slightest problem) and equally certain I wasn't one.

Well, by that terrifically inaccurate description, no, I was NOT one. I mean, for most of the marriage I made as much if not more money than him, I carried our insurance for over half the marriage, I (thought) I had the power to change what he did by having "talks" with him. No way was I codependent!

But by the way more accurate descriptions of "someone who depends on someone else to make them happy" or "someone who can only be happy if others are happy too", I was codependent as all get out.

There was more going on w/me, too, much of which dated back to an extremely dysfunctional FOO, and that needed work as well, so the codependency label didn't cover it all by any means. However, I do feel it was a significant part of the overall mess, and I do feel I've made improvements by addressing it. As much as I denied it at first, it was part of the problem.
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Old 05-20-2016, 08:41 AM
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Well said, honeypig. I truly believe that a person can act codependently without being a full-fledged Codie.

I know I've said this before - for me I am fully codependent with my FOO but I fall into ACTING codependently with RAH. That's because I can see a greater separation of self between he & I, but my FOO boundaries/roles/definitions are all twisted up & more enmeshed. I see my relationship to him as a Choice in a way that my relationships with my FOO are a Given in life. Much harder to separate.

I think that - again, speaking strictly for ME - it was easy for me to become increasingly codependent in relation to then-AH's escalating addiction..... I was simply repeating what had been modeled for me throughout my entire lifetime. (My mother being severely damaged & codie, coupled with my father being heavily into his addiction before I was ever born means that I do not HAVE a point of reference in life that does not include this dynamic.) I would continually adjust to the new crisis like that frog in a pot of water slowly building to a boil because that's what you do for the people that you "love". (not)

In the end for me, I owe a strange debt of gratitude to RAH because his behaviors are what brought me to a recovery that I needed far more to deal with old, ACoA issues even while both DD & I benefit greatly from it right now as well. I've been thinking about this a LOT lately because I'm coming up on 5 yrs of official Recovery this summer & I can't imagine who I would be right now without it.

All that said, one of the biggest shocks for me was stripping myself bare & realizing that a lot of what I considered non-codie strengths (responsible, financially aware, dependable) weren't born of natural talents but often created out of a need to survive in a dysfunctional family unit. It wasn't who *I* was, on a core level, but pieces of armor I'd picked up along the battlegrounds of my childhood & retrofitted to work in my life. Later I made another personal discovery in that it wasn't even so much about all that as it was the lack of boundaries around it all.
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Old 05-22-2016, 11:18 PM
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Originally Posted by fgh55 View Post
Hello all,

All of this is very new to me so I am looking for support from people who have been in my shoes. I live in a isolated community in Canada's North so there are no support groups here for me to turn to.

My boyfriend of almost two years has a serious problem with drinking and drugs. Alcohol is his main substance of choice but he has also used cocaine frequently. We were together for 11 months and they were great for the most part. He did drink here and there but it seemed controllable at the time. However, the last 8-9 months were total hell. It went from him lying and sneaking out to drink, getting into fights while drunk, getting stabbed, cheating on me, being verbally, physically, and emotionally abuse towards me, and finally ended in him being arrested and put on conditions to attend treatment. He is now in treatment and has been for the past 2 months. He recently moved into extended care. He seems to be very remorseful for his actions while we were together, but I am still incredibly weary and anxious about everything. Although he is doing well and taking recovery seriously, I still don't know if I fully believe him.

After he was given conditions to go to treatment he left rather abruptly. Since then, I have been left in this small community, helping to care for his son, and with little to no support to understand this disease.

All I feel is anger and resentment towards him right now. I thought after a couple of months of not seeing him it would get better. But its getting worse. I am angry all the time, I wish I could punch him ( I wouldn't but that's how angry I feel). He is so persistent with me too he insists that he will make things right between us and that he wants a life with me and is committed to being sober for the rest of his life.

What are the chances that he can even do this? I hate to sound mean, but I am simply terrified to go through that crap again. I don't know how to make a decision about this. I feel so lost and alone. I love him but I feel like I hate him some days too. How can I even begin to consider being with him after all of the things I have found out?

How does a woman get over her guy cheating on her? I know he was wasted at the time, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I want to be sick just thinking about it. People keep telling me it was his addiction that made him do the things he did. But it doesn't help me to even think of it that way. I still feel so betrayed and humiliated. Maybe I need a better understanding of addiction. I don't know.

Where do I begin? How do I deal with all of this? How do I decide what to do next?
I think you should find a good counselor who is trained and experienced with addiction as well as relationship issues to help address your problem. There are many recovery (addiction treatment programs) and therapies like the ones provided in canada drug rehab which gives valuable insights and answers on how to overcome and heal from addiction.
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