StacyR

Do you "celebrate" milestones like 60 days with your RA?
I am proud of him for sure but....do I bake a cake or buy him a new book?
We have had the best weekend since this adventure began. I thank you all for the courage you have shown me. I know I can do this and I also know now that I will be ok even if I can't.
Sending hugs and wishes for a wonderful week to all of you.

FeelingGreat

Hi Stacey, I think it would depend on your RA. If he likes that sort of thing, and won't feel threatened by it, you might want to. Threatened by the pressure of expectations, I mean.

In general I'd let him set the pace. I have a friend who buys me something every year, but sobriety is it's own reward, especially after a year or 2 when you really get into the habit.

A thought would be why not start a fund of the money you're saving (as a couple) and if he makes the year, go away with him for a romantic weekend.

dandylion

FeelingGreat....I am glad to hear that he is sober for 60days.
I am sorry that I don't have specific experience with this aspect....My qualifier here is my adult son. He got into recovery at a geographic distance....so, I think that it is a different situation in lots of ways.
Actually, I never ask him questions about his recovery activities. He makes passing references, occasionally, on the phone, but, that is about all....
We DO have some pretty deep conversations about life and he does a lot of reflection, now, that he never really did before. He is at about 2yrs. now.
During the first six months....he was very grouchy and easily "irritated".....many times, I had to say...please call me back when you are in a better mood.

I think that those who have had experience with dealing with the milestones will be along, shortly...and they will be able to share with you, for sure!

How about YOUR 60 days?.....lol.....
Do you think he will bake you a cake?........
Now, far be it for Dandylion to stir up trouble---I am just pointing out that your recovery is just as important as his....alcoholism affects everybody in the family....

I am so glad to hear that he has been sober for near 60days. I know that it hasn't been easy for either of you....so, it is a big accomplishment....

I think you are doing fine.....

dandylion

LexieCat

AA groups typically recognize those small milestones in early recovery--because we all know what it means to have gotten through that time without a drink (and it really IS "getting through" in the very beginning, even if you're diligently working a program).

I think most alcoholics in recovery would feel a bit weird if a partner/spouse did the same thing. IF you happen to know your significant other is excited about having made any particular milestone, then a hug and a smile and a heartfelt "congrats!" is sufficient.

Mountainmanbob

Most in early recovery are wanting and waiting for the day in which the family may give them a little recognition on their sobriety.

Some recovering drunks have been very hard on their families and hope and pray for the waters to be calm again.

Although my wife has never baked me a sobriety cake on any of my special occasions, she always makes sure to let me know that she is very happy and proud of me. Do I need all of that from her ? No. But, I must admit that it is nice.

If you decide to do something special for him, I wouldn't over do it but, I'm sure that your taking notice will be very well received.

MB

redatlanta

I do something for RAH's yearly sobriety date, a nice gift. When he relapsed I stuck to "proud of you" here and there. I wasn't around when he initially got sober. Had I been I *think* I would have stuck to letting him know how proud I was, and maybe a card for encouragement along the way when things got hard (because they will).

FireSprite

I don't - RAH's recovery is his & he isn't comfortable with any kind of recognition for it. I know when we've talked I've gotten the impression that he doesn't feel good being congratulated for something he "should be doing anyway" (his words, not mine). He's expressed that it makes him feel more ashamed for us to make a big deal out of it since we were the ones most affected by his poor behavior back then - like having your victim thank you for no longer victimizing them, I guess. From what he's shared, I gather that he's not a fan of making a big deal out of it in his group either, no longer looking at the big dates like annual celebrations in favor of just looking at every sober day as a Personal Win.

MIRecovery

For me I like celebrations in general and being the insecure alcohol I am I like milestones to be recognized but I also know a milestone is just another day during a lifetime of recovery

StacyR

Thank you all for your input. I kept it small, purchased a 2 month token. In true narcissitic style, he saw me "out" and called to badger me about what I was doing in that part of town. When I told him what I was doing he "thanked" me for ruining everything. An hour later he was crying about being sorry. I almost slipped and called him "King Baby" (a term another member here used to describe him when I first came to SR and a term I use in my own head to be able to walk away without anger when he tries to start a fight)
Glad I didn't plan something bigger because the night went to crap pretty fast.

He told me that I give up easier than I used to. I don't see it that way...

Heading to a shrink today. Pretty sure that PTSD is in full swing for me.

atalose

Getting back to Dandylion's response????? regarding your recovery???? ....glad you are seeing your therapist today.

Moving forward you now know how to NOT celebrate HIS milestones in HIS recovery.

dandylion

Stacy.....I think that his comment...that "you gave up easier than you used to"...says a whole lot...
Make no mistake...they know when we start to detach (even to a small or m oderate degree).....I know that my qualifier..my son....noticed right away...

Just for my own edification, Stacy---you can BUY chips?? Where in the world would you BUY a chip??

dandylion

AnvilheadII

you can buy coins at any 12th step shop.

dandylion

OMG.....I didn't know that!.....Guess I have never really thought about it.....
I just assumed that they came about in some magical way.....like, maybe the chip fairies brought them, under cover at night to the home of the group leaders.....and, that they would vaporize if they were misused or disrespected in any kind of way.......

dandylion

NoelleR

Hey dandylion---

In most places those 'chip fairies' are called AA Intergroup; that's where most meetings get their stuff. There are also lots of places online that sell AA/Alanon/NA/Naranon stuff; my favorite is RecoveryEmporium.

(o:

FireSprite

HILARIOUS!

dandylion

Noelle.....thanks! Nice to know....

dandylion

redatlanta

I'm confused here. How did you "ruin" everything?

He sounds like a jerk. Sorry. I can't wrap my head around you doing something nice and him having an apparent meltdown over it.

StacyR

I am a bad guy I guess....
I really need to find the courage to bring this mess to an end but I am holding on to the tiny thread of who he used to be, wishing I could have that all back. All these years haven't been bad....there are some really great memories there too...breaks me to think of walking away from that

Refiner

Sorry, Stacy... but King Baby sounds like he's upgraded to "sober" Douchebag King Baby. I'd just keep to your side of the street and your own recovery and leave his to his. How nice and thoughtful of you, and look what you get.

StacyR

LOL Refiner....