Family is done with (sober) me.
 

Hello, I usually post in the other section but I have been sober almost 2 months now. I need family help.

I grew up with two alcoholic parents. My father still has a problem, whereas, my mother is a casual drinker but they both used to party to the point where I would be locked in rooms crying myself to sleep when little, beer would be spilled on me, and my dad was a violent drunk my whole life.

Anyway, I decided to recently tell my mother I was done drinking after she offered me alcohol on Mothers Day. I was driving my child home that day and she offered it twice.

I had a talk with her about how I think I have a problem with alcohol. She has picked me up numerous times at the hospital from falls, hurting myself and so on. She knows I have a problem but she hid the 1-2am calls from my dad.

She actually went and told him I believe my alcoholism stems from watching them drink all my life and my father is irate. I told her I remember him getting arrested drunk and so on. I don't know why I trusted her with this information.

I do not live with them but I repaired my relationship with my dad and have tolerated his drinking even when he placed my 7 year old in a car after 3 beers (I found out after). After Mothers Day, he told my mother I am no longer allowed to talk to her on the phone. He demanded she make a list of everything I will lose if I drink again and he is basically disowning me for thinking of them as alcoholics or calling myself one (?) I think he was drinking when he said these things. She trusts me (enables me) and he is total opposite. The last time I talked to my mom, she said if my dad calls to lie to him and say she gave me the list of things she wrote I will lose to drinking. So, now I live in fear of the phone ringing and having to lie to him.

I will not relapse over this. I am not blaming him for my alcoholism I was just talking to my mom about how I think parents of alcoholics create children who drink. Should I just leave my family alone? They were my only support group since I have cut ties with about 10 drinking friends. Please put this in another section if I have it in the wrong one. Thanks.

Family is who you create-who you make it to be. Sometimes our blood family, our FOO, keeps us sick. That's a reason to get healthy and create a new family. Congrats on your sobriety. Hopefully your blood family will open their eyes to their own denial and issues-but that's not your problem. Parents are supposed to instill truth and good morals in us-your mother telling you to lie is quite the opposite. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey.

This family isn't a "support group," so let's be clear about that. You don't necessarily have to cut your ties with them forever, but some really good boundaries are what will help you survive with the possibility (maybe) of having a closer relationship someday in the future.

For right now, I'd make the state of your sobriety an off-limits topic of conversation. If one of them ASKS for your help with their own situation, you can provide them with information/resources, but I'd still suggest caution about getting too involved.

So if the conversation goes in the direction of your drinking or your recovery, I'd suggest just telling them that you're fine, you really don't care to discuss details, and if they continue to press, politely end the conversation.

There might be some hard feelings or distance for a while, but as long as you focus on your own side of the street, you will not be adding to your list of resentments or feeding your own anger.

I'd suggest making some friends whose lives don't revolve around alcohol. AA is a great place to find them, but if you don't want to get involved in AA, find some groups or interests that aren't conducive to drinking.

you absolutely can step back from your parents at this time. it sounds like what you shared with your mom (in private) really struck a nerve with him and he is lashing out. your mom did not maintain your confidence but stuck a stick in the wasps nest and now wants you to LIE about it.

toxic. unhealthy. and not good at all for your peace of mind and sobriety. i suggest you seek other sources of support and give the folks a wide berth.

^ yep-totally toxic and unhealthy.

It seems they are not ready to acknowledge their own alcoholism and probably feel treatened by your change. I think the only thing you can do is take some (emotional) distance and not to expect any support in your new lifestyle. As time goes on you will find healthier relationships, but the most important thing is that you will have a healthy relationship with yourself.

It is extremely sad that it´s your own parents who maintain these disfunctional dynamics but at some point we have to accept that parents are just other human beings and that we cannot change them into who we would want them to be. And that is ultimately a good thing, because we are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves.

I think this forum is right for you, the things we have to learn as friends & family of alcoholics (like detaching, focusing on ourselves) are what you will be dealing with with your FOO now that you´ve chosen a different path for yourself.

Yes-remember that alcoholic families thrive on secrets and dysfunction-there a family code you're supposed to adhere to....totally toxic and stupid. Keep walking ahead abd get some healthy new support. When you go against the grain of an alcoholic family, waves will be made-but realize they just don't wabt to deal with their own toxicity, dysfunction and lies. It is what it is. You are on a great new journey!!!

Thank you all! This whole time I had been up all night thinking I was wrong. These are the people who raised me and I should respect them.. now I see the truth. It is just sad. Thanks again!

Hello behindblueyes, and welcome to this section :)

Wow! Congratulations! 2 months is awesome.

No worries at all. You are in the correct section. You are most welcome to post here about any family issues.

Mike :)
Moderator, SR

Well they sure are reacting to this like alcoholics. Making your recovery all about themselves, attempting to manipulate the situation in dishonest ways, and having childish tantrums about it where they attempt to control others because their projections about the situation cause them to be scared that you think badly of them or hold them in some way accountable.

(I'm coming to this with the perspective of a double winner by the way. Alcoholic in recovery living with a 'heavy drinker').

This one is a good example of serenity prayer time. You cannot change them, only yourself. All you can do is the next best thing.

I loved LexieCat's response...."So if the conversation goes in the direction of your drinking or your recovery, I'd suggest just telling them that you're fine, you really don't care to discuss details, and if they continue to press, politely end the conversation"

My ABF did one year sober, before he moved in with me, he was still living with his alcoholic parents. And to this day I'm impressed he was able to do that. I am almost certain this was how he did it. Alcoholic families probably aren't going to make a good support system. Of course you'll want to keep them close, they're your family. And it's hard not to want to share this exciting new path you've chosen for yourself. And congratulations on that. So many wonderful things await you! But unfortunately they are not in a position to support you. They just can't. They are just humans after all, and they have their own issues to resolve.

Thank you for sharing your story

behindblueeyes....first...congratulations o n your recovery and refusal to let this derail you from taking care of your sobriety FIRST.....

If you are in need of a recovery group (besides us..lol!)...the largest support group in the world is AA....
I strongly suggest that you also think of becoming involved in Adult Children of Alcoholics....they will know exactly what you are dealing with because they were raised by alcoholics, also....

I understand that you love your parents....but, sometimes families can hurt us so much that we have to love them from a distance....and, that is o.k.
It is not disrespectful....you are not trying to hurt them---you are exercising your God-given right to protect yourself. You are one of ;God's children ---a child of the Universe and as such you are supposed to care for yourself just as you would care for any other creature of the Universe.....

I, also, agree that you should be absolutely iron clad about not allowing your recovery to be discussed with you by your family. That is called drawing a boundary.
You cannot look to them as your support group...they can't do it...;and, you can find better support from others...

Please don't beat yourself up over this......
Remember the Serenity Prayer!

dandylion

I have no time or energy for toxic people. Being disowned sounds like a good thing not a bad thing

I have not read the other responses as I am in a rush. Ok I'm like you from the other side but come here because I come from a long line of addicted people. When I got sober it made my family uncomfortable. My mom likes me high/drunk. It makes me easier to control.

Sometimes when we come from a dysfunctional place it scares our family when we get well.

I dont have time to go back and check your old posts but if your not going to AA now would be the perfect time to do so. They will totally understand and support you through this I will check back tomorrow and share more

Sometimes when you have been brought up by dysfunction your whole life, it's hard to know what's right and logical. After all, we've been raised to listen to your parents and do what they say.

I suggest opening up more of those avenues and exploring the wealth of knowledge from forums like these, support groups like AA, books and stories from the library, etc. You will quickly realize that a lot of alcoholism stems from a dysfunctional family home and that one of the hardest things for alcoholics to come to terms with is admitting that they are in fact alcoholics. You've done a great start to want to be sober and to break that cycle of dysfunction for your own son.

It is very common for people to get really up in arms when it comes to protecting their ability to tell themselves that they do not have a drug or alcohol problem. By you admitting you have a problem you might have triggered a feeling of guilt in them which they promptly replaced with anger and making it so you can't be around anymore.

They are far from a support group. Being offered alcohol is a temptation and obviously neither of them worry about safety when drinking. I think you will actually find a benefit in not having contact with them. As for having your mom tell you to lie to your dad, that is unhealthy behavior on her part that is then spreading to you if you engage. It is a hard position to be put in, and only you know how to truly handle that family dynamic.

Continue your recovery! That is what is most important!

The fact that you said you thought YOU had a problem with alcohol, and THEY got upset you want to stop drinking says it all.

They don't want to look in the mirror. Won't like what's looking back.

The last time I talked to my mom, she said if my dad calls to lie to him and say she gave me the list of things she wrote I will lose to drinking. Um no. Get off the crazy train here She wants you to lie, he is treating her like she's his b*tch, and you like you are 12. I wouldn't participate in this triangulation! No is a complete sentence. You don't have to discuss ANYTHING.

^ I'm sorry-not hijacking the thread but this sounds so much like my exs family it's ridiculous....triangulation, secrets, lies, asking others to do bad things....I found myself laughing out loud-not because it's funny in any way-it's just so incredibly messed up that you can't unsee it once you've seen it. They just don't know any other way but dysfunction. Period. Funny story-I talked with my ex mother in law numerous times during our marriage re her sons (my husband) drinking. One of the last times was after his dad died and he was coughing up blood and swigging from bottles of vodka each day, on top of his daily 12 plus beers-and abusing the hell out if me , his pregnant wife, and his daughter. Lovely mother in law tells me we should just move in with her bc SHE can make sure he doesbt drink (insert head banging agaibst wall and cue the wtf? It's my fault?!)...not less than seven months later she comes to our house for July 4th and as I casually say sonething to my husband about drinking (yeah, I know-not my place), she tells me it would be un American to celebrate without a beer. Woohoo!! Go mom, go!! She also bought my then husband a six pack of beer to celevrate with him the day he got out of ICU. My ex sister in law encouraged my ex to get tanked with her and not follow court orders, even when he was facing losing his kids-which he has. Stellar, eh?! I could go on and on but my point is this....YOU changing and getting healthy shines a bright light on all their toxic lies and dysfunction. They don't like that. YOU have the choice to see it for what it is and maintain distance or cut off relationships completely. Your sobriety has to come first-which congrats , btw, again. A huge part of sobriety is just growing the F up and acting like an adult-and it's hard when you see things crystal clear-you have to start making adult healthy decisions-and boy is that tough. I've been there, friend.

Hugs, and please keep posting. We understand!

Yep ^^ My husband's parents do a lot of "don't tell dad/mom" what I told you.

My husband is 53 his parents aren't far off from 80. It really boils down to gossip, and trying to loop my husband in on taking sides BUT he is supposed to say nothing, do nothing, and have no reaction. It was the same way when he was a kid. Children shouldn't be put in the middle of their parents dysfunctional marriage I don't care how old they are.

Should I just leave my family alone? They were my only support group since I have cut ties with about 10 drinking friends Maybe down the road that might be something you may consider, but I would try and establish boundaries with them first and see how that goes. You'll need to reevaluate your own participation in the dysfunction - such as your mom tells your father things you tell her (and apparently not accurately). I wouldn't confide in her regarding your sobriety or the effects their own drinking had on you, or anything she goes back and discusses with him.. You have also "mended" fences with your dad even going so far as "tolerating" him putting your own child as risk. That's unacceptable behavior, and I ask was your reaction to that in anyway on the level it should have been? Did you lay boundaries down regarding the safety of your child which might have included limiting their contact with your child?

As far as the "list" if Pops called me up to discuss a list he commanded my mother to make to give to me the discussion would be very short, two words, one that begins with F and the other with Y. Followed by "Treating me like I am your personal property will not be tolerated. Additionally, I will speak to my mother whenever I want to. CLICK." This is called laying boundaries.....and its something you need to learn to do so that you might have a healthier relationship with your family.

Have you been to Al Anon?

I can't get over the absurdity of alcoholic dad still drinking, and ordering Mom to relay the deleterious effects of same.

The mind boggles.