Expanding

My home, dreams, partner and friends.

Everything as I knew it has changed. I see the dynamic between my AXBF and I playing out with every other couple we know and it's freaking me out! I went to the housewarming today and had 1 drink in 7 hours. I was seeing everyone with clarity for the first time and it scared me. A friend of mine spoke to me about what was going on between her and her "boyfriend" (she doesn't want to be with him but doesn't correct him when he calls her his gf) and I felt my stomach drop. The men act like pigs and their behavior is excused. I slipped back into my role for a moment and goodness I feel gross. Total moment of no self respect... the drinking is increasing... they played beer pong with a child, maybe 9? But because it was with water cups it was okay... I could go on but you get the picture, and that was just today.

I feel like I am in shock all over again. Totally and completely alone. They just don't get it and I can't talk to them about it. I don't even really want to see them anymore. AXBF tried talking to me and avoiding him was easy - I truly don't want anything to do with him so that's a relief, but this new revelation regarding the friends is tough

Liveitwell

Yep-it IS tough-not going to sugar cost it. Once your eyes are open and you SEE and start making mature decisions, the world , and people, look differently. If you shift your perspective, maybe God is removing these people from your life bc they no longer fit the new, smarter, eyes wide open, out of denial person you've become. And guess what?! You will now have room for much more healthy friendships and true healthy supportive people. Sometimes we are meant to be alone-just alone. Doesbt mean there is something wrong with you at all! If your personal validation and self worth comes from how many friends you have, I would urge you to seek a higher power bc YOU are so much more than and better than what you described seeing today. Being alone allows you to work on you.

These people don't sound like good people at all, fwiw. Just being honest. And I can say that bc they sound just like me when I was abusing alcohol without a care in the world (although I think even I would have drawn the line at playing beer pong with a child!)

P.s. Seriously?! Playing beer pong with a nine year old?! Water cups or not, that is beyond ludicrous. Alcoholics raising another generation of alcoholics. What great role models!! Epic fail.

NatashaRomanova

My ABF was raised like this. Maybe not in the specifics, but the same thread. I wonder at how he ever did a year sober living under their roof.

A couple weeks back, I found an old journal. An entry from grade 5. And I wrote about how HE was drunk in history class. Mind you, it wasn't me who had figured it out. It was him, bragging about it.

This hurt my heart in ways I didn't know it could hurt for him. I felt this amazing weight. The fact that he was raised like this, it's the life he knows. How will he ever know another.

Expanding

I am so shocked... it was hard enough seeing my ex for who he was but now all my friends too?! They do say birds of a feather, and as a codependent I cling to relationships that are not good for me... I am going to have to let these people go too

When they started to play I said something like, "Do you think we should wait until 8 when the kids leave?" I was met with responses like, "I remember seeing this when I was a kid!", "Gotta start em young", "It's just water cups so it's OK"...

Heartbreaking stuff

For those people binge drinking is not just a phase... if I had stayed with my ex I probably never would've had children like I want (and really, shouldn't with him) or I would have and been miserable. I am really seeing this as a blessing in disguise.

I am seeing the effects my ex's grandparents had on his family... I see the drinkers, the codependents, the workaholics, the overeaters, the narcissists... it's so so scary. And there is nothing I can do but let them live their lives and maybe someday they will see it too and I will be there if they want to reach out...

I feel like I was in denial for a long time because I didn't want to be in a position where I had to see myself as, "better than", but I don't know if that's really what it is... more like that is not the path I want to take. I think those feelings of me being "better than" are projections from THEM. I don't feel I am better than, I just don't want to be around that anymore

dandylion

Expanding....I think the "better than" thing that you are referring to is really about boundaries for yourself.....(I know that you don't feel superior)......
Everyone has a right to their own boundaries, in order to navigate through this life....otherwise, we would be like turtles with no protective shell!
Yes, they get to be them...but, by the same token....You get to be YOU......

I think that you are at the stage between closing one door....and getting to the next open door....That stage in the middle can feel like hell....
It is just a stage...it won't last, because time keeps on marching into the future....

I refer you to Honeypig....she recently posted something that she had read....paraphrased as: "Recovery is like giving up everything you have known for the unknown, based on faith"......
I think it takes a lot of courage and belief in yourself to do this....because it means tolerating a p eriod of cognitive dissonance and that feels really weird (for a while).....

Be so proud that you are breaking the cycle!!!!! That is Big....really Big.....
You will never be sorry.....

I want to treat you to something, as a reward for your courage----check out the song by The Steve Miller Band, on youtube..."Fly Like an Eagle"

dandylion

AnvilheadII

seven HOURS at a housewarming?

ack, that just gives me the heebie jeebies.

Expanding

LOL, I showed up a little after 1 and was itching to leave shortly after 8... they like to have people over all day, spend the night and then not leave until the morning. I am so used to being with them for hours...

I forgot some stuff there and when I texted the home owner she told me people were still there... it's now 10 AM. I can see how they are sucking people further into the problem... her SO is an alcoholic. Will get the shakes and everything... all these realizations are so painful.

I am going to have to keep strict boundaries if I plan on remaining in their lives. I was really looking forward to a fun summer on the lake but now I don't know...

AnvilheadII

always remember, when YOU start to feel uncomfortable in a social setting, you have the right to leave.

and yes, recovery for both sides often means changing playgrounds, playmates and playthings.

dandylion

Expanding.....you will have to practice holding your new found boundaries. It will be on your shoulders to do that for sure....
It will probably feel uncomfortable for you, at first...but, all changes feel out of o ne's comfort zone.
It is the only way you will make progress, though.....

I had a similar situation, though.....my husband was well known in the community..he was involved in a lot of community service orgnizations...there was this group of people who went, on a regular basis to a property that one of them owned on the Shannadoah River. They were heavy drinkers, as a life style. It involved weekends of drinking until they passed out each night....and then got up in the morning and did it again.....
they asked us over and over and OVER to go....and didn't understand why we wouldn't. I told my husband that I would rather stick pins in m y own eyes than go to that! I told them that I was uncomfortable with the drinking..that it interfered with my enjoyment of Nature....They said..."That is o.k.--you don't have to drink"......they just didn't GET it!
I never gave in, though....it was a boundary that I just couldn't cross.
Sometimes, there is just a line that you have to draw....no matter WHAT other people may think of you......
You can't please everybody....

dandylion

DesertEyes

Not _all_ of them. Only the harmful ones.

One of the biggest lessons I learned in my own recovery is that it was _not_ my character traits that were causing me so much trouble. It was _how_ I applied them in real life.

I am a very gregarious person. I make friends easy and I like sharing my life with them. It is only when I allow my dysfunctional need for approval ( that I picked up as a child in an alcoholic home) to get involved in who I choose for a friend that I end up letting the wrong people into my life.

When I started using my "friend making" skills in meetings of al-anon I was amazed at how many other good people were perfectly happy to be my friend. I also found out that there was quite a few of the neighbors on my street who were _avoiding_ me because they knew my ex-wife was an addict and did not want to have _her_ in their life.

When I started working my own recovery I, too, lost everything. My home, my business, my dreams. I lost all of the bad stuff that was making a train wreck of my life. Then I had room in my life for good, healthy people. I had time to get my health in order, to get a better job, a quiet place to live, friends who show up when I am in need ... and show up sober. I have a new home now, a new career, and a whole new set of dreams that are just as good as the old ones... but don't involve an addict spouse.

The catch to all of this, the tricky part that makes it difficult, is that you can't fit in the new, good "stuff" until have made "room" for it in your life.

Mike

Liveitwell

^ yep.
And good Lord almighty did I hear the phrase gotta start em young in my exs family. Four year old being served beer? Yep-gotta start em young. Wow. And binge drinking isn't a phase in my ex or his family either-it's a lifestyle.

Be glad your eyes are open. Truly. It is a blessing.

hopeful4

Yes. When you have clarity in your own life you see people for who they really are. It's eye opening, that is for sure.

Hugs.

SpringsEternal

Dearest Expanding....I can sooo relate to what you are going through. My AH and I partied/drank together for many years. When his dependence became apparent, I dropped the drink without hesitation, and he attended rehab. That was three years ago......and I have struggled with the new dynamic ever since. And he continues to struggle with his sobriety over the years and I blame this in part to the fact he immerses himself in the same situations that contributed/fostered his dependence to begin with. I cannot stomach sloppy drunken conversations that will be forgotten the next day...or the general ridiculousness that occurs when we go meet up with friends where binge drinking tends to be the norm. I'm so over it. I've lead a pretty solitary existence since my revelation 3 years ago. I feel out of step with everyone. (Including my AH). I need relationships that nurture...but how does one even find that. I crave something, but unfortunately, I don't even know what that is. All I had ever known was kitchen table boozing and nights out at the bar.....I need to reprogram......Maybe I'm just destined to many nights now of bingeing on Netflix instead..lol