New Here - Really Need Support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Rancho Cucamonga, CA
Posts: 2
New Here - Really Need Support
Hi all,
I am new here, and it has been over a year since I attended a meeting. I tried posting this once before, but it did not seem to work, so I will try again...
I really need support right now as I am in tremendous emotional pain.
I was married to an alcoholic. I left him and filed for divorce a little over two years ago because I could not live with who he became when he drank. After I left, I attended as many meetings as I could to learn about alcoholism. I always had doubt in the beginning if my ex was truly an "alcoholic". He was extremely high-functioning, and he *literally* worked as a rocket scientist. He always blamed me for everything, and told me that I was the "crazy" one. The problem was, I had started to really believe it.
Within about 8 weeks of my leaving him however, his downward spiral became extremely evident. The rate at which it progressed was so shocking to me. Every time I thought he could not hit a bottom any lower than he already had, there was always a lower level. The incomprehensible demoralization he suffered through was truly devastating.
I had not had contact with him for about a year and a half. It was a horrible divorce because of his condition and his extremely bizarre behavior. Everything that could go wrong for him did (legally, healthwise, financially, socially, you name it) - yet he never was able to stop drinking. The last coherent conversation I ever had with him was before the night that I literally fled from our home over two years ago.
Tuesday afternoon, I got a call from a social worker at a hospital. They had to do considerable research just to find me, and they were desperate to find any family member of my ex's that they could. He had entered the hospital during the first week of September in a coma and never was conscious.
Fortunately, I was able to find someone in his family (I had never met a single member of his family the entire 5 years we were together) and get in contact with them. I decided to make the 90-mile trip to the hospital on Wednesday afternoon. What I saw in that ICU unit no person should ever have to see much less experience for themselves. He was unconscious in complete liver failure, had hepatitus, was bleeding internally, had fluid-filled lungs, had lost the ability to swallow, along with a host of other horrible problems. I could barely recognize him. I could not stay for even 5 minutes, however, I was able to say goodbye to him.
He died yesterday afternoon. Fortunately, his brother was there with him holding his hand. I was so afraid that he would die alone, but my prayers were answered and he had someone who cared about him there with him. For that I am so extremely grateful.
After talking with his sister-in-law yesterday evening (for the first time), I learned that my ex-husband had led a completely double-life. He had me and even his long-term friends completely deceived all along. He had told so many stories and so many lies - and was so completely convincing - that I doubt anyone really knew who he was. I am absolutely devastated. I now do not know what was truth and what was fiction. I just don't know how to handle this. I am 41-years-old and have never experienced death of someone I had been close to. Add to that the shocking things I have discovered in the last day and I just don't know how to cope. Any support would be greatly appreciated as I am completely falling apart.
Nattiwatti
I am new here, and it has been over a year since I attended a meeting. I tried posting this once before, but it did not seem to work, so I will try again...
I really need support right now as I am in tremendous emotional pain.
I was married to an alcoholic. I left him and filed for divorce a little over two years ago because I could not live with who he became when he drank. After I left, I attended as many meetings as I could to learn about alcoholism. I always had doubt in the beginning if my ex was truly an "alcoholic". He was extremely high-functioning, and he *literally* worked as a rocket scientist. He always blamed me for everything, and told me that I was the "crazy" one. The problem was, I had started to really believe it.
Within about 8 weeks of my leaving him however, his downward spiral became extremely evident. The rate at which it progressed was so shocking to me. Every time I thought he could not hit a bottom any lower than he already had, there was always a lower level. The incomprehensible demoralization he suffered through was truly devastating.
I had not had contact with him for about a year and a half. It was a horrible divorce because of his condition and his extremely bizarre behavior. Everything that could go wrong for him did (legally, healthwise, financially, socially, you name it) - yet he never was able to stop drinking. The last coherent conversation I ever had with him was before the night that I literally fled from our home over two years ago.
Tuesday afternoon, I got a call from a social worker at a hospital. They had to do considerable research just to find me, and they were desperate to find any family member of my ex's that they could. He had entered the hospital during the first week of September in a coma and never was conscious.
Fortunately, I was able to find someone in his family (I had never met a single member of his family the entire 5 years we were together) and get in contact with them. I decided to make the 90-mile trip to the hospital on Wednesday afternoon. What I saw in that ICU unit no person should ever have to see much less experience for themselves. He was unconscious in complete liver failure, had hepatitus, was bleeding internally, had fluid-filled lungs, had lost the ability to swallow, along with a host of other horrible problems. I could barely recognize him. I could not stay for even 5 minutes, however, I was able to say goodbye to him.
He died yesterday afternoon. Fortunately, his brother was there with him holding his hand. I was so afraid that he would die alone, but my prayers were answered and he had someone who cared about him there with him. For that I am so extremely grateful.
After talking with his sister-in-law yesterday evening (for the first time), I learned that my ex-husband had led a completely double-life. He had me and even his long-term friends completely deceived all along. He had told so many stories and so many lies - and was so completely convincing - that I doubt anyone really knew who he was. I am absolutely devastated. I now do not know what was truth and what was fiction. I just don't know how to handle this. I am 41-years-old and have never experienced death of someone I had been close to. Add to that the shocking things I have discovered in the last day and I just don't know how to cope. Any support would be greatly appreciated as I am completely falling apart.
Nattiwatti
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
nattiwatti - i am so sorry for the pain you must be dealing with right now. i am not sure how to support you. maybe some short term counseling would help? i am sure some of the other wise and wonderful folks on this board will be along shortly!
hugs & prayers to you - cwohio
hugs & prayers to you - cwohio
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Natti,
I'm sorry that you've had so many painful things to deal with. Be sure to take good care of yourself right now, you have been through a lot. I have a friend who went to grief counseling after her huband's death and it helped her a lot.
I'm glad you found us. Stick around.
Hugs,
Gabe
I'm sorry that you've had so many painful things to deal with. Be sure to take good care of yourself right now, you have been through a lot. I have a friend who went to grief counseling after her huband's death and it helped her a lot.
I'm glad you found us. Stick around.
Hugs,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
HI Nattiwatti - wow! what a painful ordeal this must be. My heart goes out to you. That's almost such a bizarre deal, I don't even know what to say. You must KNOW that it was NOT your fault in any way and that you could not have changed one single thing....please know that! Hang in there dear...much peace to you in your time of confusion..
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((Nattiwatti))))))))-
I am so sorry you had to be a witness to what happens to people who cannot quit.....
It sure sounds like you did him a very good turn by helping to find his brother. Know that you did all you could and he would have probably end up like this no matter what you did or did not do. It is definatly not your fault!!!Take care...
I am so sorry you had to be a witness to what happens to people who cannot quit.....
It sure sounds like you did him a very good turn by helping to find his brother. Know that you did all you could and he would have probably end up like this no matter what you did or did not do. It is definatly not your fault!!!Take care...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Javatown
Posts: 92
Natti-
I am so sorry for your loss and the experience you are going through. It is amazing that you found his family and his brother for him at just the right time.
'Everything happens in perfect order for a divine reason'.
Thank you for your post today -your sharing has helped me in ways I can't express right here right now.
Hugs to you
I am so sorry for your loss and the experience you are going through. It is amazing that you found his family and his brother for him at just the right time.
'Everything happens in perfect order for a divine reason'.
Thank you for your post today -your sharing has helped me in ways I can't express right here right now.
Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Dear Nattiewattie,
I am soo sorry for what you are going through. My bf's sister went through something kind of simiular this past winter. She and her bf had been together for several years. He was an alcoholic and to find out he took pills also. She went through so much and he lead the double life to had a great job and a real future ( had the position most people work all their lives to get at the age of 30 ) . The first Saturday in January she woke up in her townhouse appartment went downstairs and found him on her couch dead. She went through so much "what if I had done this" , "maybe if I would have made him eat" all that. What happened was that he went to through up in his sleep and did not have the muscle control to do it so he drown in the alcohol that he drank. She had litterally spent years trying to help him did everything she could to get him to stop right down to taking his wallet so he would not have his ID to get alcohol. She did not touch the money or anything I saw that personally. She still is not over it but she is doing better she became very involved in church and is consentrated on her walk with God and christian outreach she takes more time with her son ( who she had neglected during this relationship ) and little by little she is making progress. She is now trying to start her life over and in time she will make it. One of the things she went through is trying to figure things out (she sometimes still has bouts with that ) he had had about 11 beers in a 12 hour span which is nothing for him and she kept beating her brain trying to figure out what happened and the altopsy report has still not came back I wish it would so maybe she could have some sort of closure. She wondered if her giving him mouth to mouth had caused him to axfixiate and all sorts of things and the more she dwelt on it the worse it got.
The truth you may not ever know the whole truth about your exhusband and trying to figure it out may lead you to more pain. There are some truths that you do know. He was an alcoholic and he was sick. His disease had nothing to do with you you did not cause it , you couldnt controll it, and you could not fix it. I know it is sad that his disease lead to his untimely death but the only person who could have changed it was him and he did not. Its is so sad and a waste of a human life but there is nothing you can do but try to move forward. Alcoholism makes no sence at all and there is no way to figure out something that makes no sence in the first place. You may can get a somewhat better understanding of it maybe but I don't think anyone could ever completely figure it out. I hope some of what I have said has helped . Here's a Big HUG and wishing you comfort and peace during this time.
Rose
I am soo sorry for what you are going through. My bf's sister went through something kind of simiular this past winter. She and her bf had been together for several years. He was an alcoholic and to find out he took pills also. She went through so much and he lead the double life to had a great job and a real future ( had the position most people work all their lives to get at the age of 30 ) . The first Saturday in January she woke up in her townhouse appartment went downstairs and found him on her couch dead. She went through so much "what if I had done this" , "maybe if I would have made him eat" all that. What happened was that he went to through up in his sleep and did not have the muscle control to do it so he drown in the alcohol that he drank. She had litterally spent years trying to help him did everything she could to get him to stop right down to taking his wallet so he would not have his ID to get alcohol. She did not touch the money or anything I saw that personally. She still is not over it but she is doing better she became very involved in church and is consentrated on her walk with God and christian outreach she takes more time with her son ( who she had neglected during this relationship ) and little by little she is making progress. She is now trying to start her life over and in time she will make it. One of the things she went through is trying to figure things out (she sometimes still has bouts with that ) he had had about 11 beers in a 12 hour span which is nothing for him and she kept beating her brain trying to figure out what happened and the altopsy report has still not came back I wish it would so maybe she could have some sort of closure. She wondered if her giving him mouth to mouth had caused him to axfixiate and all sorts of things and the more she dwelt on it the worse it got.
The truth you may not ever know the whole truth about your exhusband and trying to figure it out may lead you to more pain. There are some truths that you do know. He was an alcoholic and he was sick. His disease had nothing to do with you you did not cause it , you couldnt controll it, and you could not fix it. I know it is sad that his disease lead to his untimely death but the only person who could have changed it was him and he did not. Its is so sad and a waste of a human life but there is nothing you can do but try to move forward. Alcoholism makes no sence at all and there is no way to figure out something that makes no sence in the first place. You may can get a somewhat better understanding of it maybe but I don't think anyone could ever completely figure it out. I hope some of what I have said has helped . Here's a Big HUG and wishing you comfort and peace during this time.
Rose
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