Happyoneday

I have posted a couple of times me and ex ABF have been separated for 6 months now! (Wow time flies) most of the time I am doing well and feeling strong but the last couple of days I don't. Probably cos I saw him the other day as I had to sort some solicitor paperwork out for the house we are selling and for him to see his daughter. It seemed like old times I know it's not and I know he is still drinking all though never freely admits just how much. But it's times like these when I struggle and start thinking was it really that bad could we not have made it work I know it really was that bad but it's so funny how you forget just how bad it all was. I'm sure I will be fine again In a few days. Just need to remind myself of why I'm doing this and I know it is all for the better for me and my daughter. Why does it all have to be so hard

Kboys

You do forget how bad it was! The good times are much easier to remember than the bad.

Did you keep a journal when you were with him?
It's been helpful (although extremely painful) for me to go back and read the things I wrote when he was drinking, and how horrible he was to me.

It is hard, but it will get easier as time goes by (at least that's what I keep telling myself )

You are doing the right thing for you and your daughter.

Sending big hugs!!!!!

Happyoneday

Thanks no I didn't! really wishing that I had now would make times like this so much easier.

Butterfly

Hi happy, I always thought the same, it wasn't/isn't that bad could we make it work, 17 years later I was still saying the same . Someone once told me here when feeling a bit stronger to write down all the times your ex has let you down, went drinking, prioritised it over you and your daughter, everything he did that hurt you. Then when you feel as though it wasn't that bad or could you try again or try harder you look at your list to remind how bad it was.

((((Hugs))))

mylifeismine

Hi Happy,
Do you go to al anon meetings? Maybe that would help you
thru this Codie lapse. Hugs to you

Your kind are heroes to me, you saw thru the bullsh!t way early,
not a quarter century later, same dysfunction, different millennium.
Ugh

Expanding

I can so relate to this. Just got out of long term relationship with xabf as well and we are in the process of selling the home we own. I am here while he's been staying at his parents. I feel I would be much farther along in my healing if I wasn't here and didn't have to occasionally communicate with him during the selling process. I feel great but even just one text can send me back to "what ifs".

I wasn't really one to keep a journal myself but I recently started because as I started to heal I came out of the fog and the reality of what I went through came to the forefront of my mind. As I continue to work on myself the depth of this problem becomes clearer and clearer so I am glad I started! Some days I can write pages the epiphanies are so abundant...

I hope to be where you are in a few months, you seem stronger than you think you are

redatlanta

Why does it all have to be so hard?

I've been dealing with a neck problem for the past month - its been around for about 15 years but it flared up with a vengeance about a month ago. The past month has been chiropractor, acupuncture, massage, ibuprofen, heat, cold stretching, exercises, Ktape, muscle rubs, posture correctors, change of shoes, new mattress, cervical pillows......

There's been much improvement but I am not all the way. The cure has been painful too, the adjustments and massage hurt. The exercises hurt. The stretching hurts. Last week in frustration I said to my chiropractor "why is this taking so long"!!! Her response "it took 15 years for it to get to this. Its not going to be fixed in 3 weeks". Hmmmm.

Yet, I can move my head in all directions without pain now. I can bend down without pain. I can work all day without popping 10 motrin, in fact I am down to just two in the AM and two in PM. There has been much improvement. I am more healed than I am broken.

And this is applicable to unhealthy relationships. The pain we experience didn't happen in one day, it happens over years. The multiple disappointment, stress, upset, lies, unacceptable behavior affects us tremendously both physically and emotionally. It doesn't stop when the person is removed. That's just a point for the healing to begin, and like my medical regimen, healing is painful as well. Painful, but productive. Painful, but lessens as we work to get ourselves back to a place where we WERE healthy.

Take a moment and observe what's better in your life. Its important to recognize growth and relief rather than become frustrated over what's not fixed yet. It will be.

mylifeismine

Red,
What an insightful analogy, thank you for sharing that. It's easy to
forget that years of dysfunction can't be "fixed" quickly. I, today, am
going to start journaling. Can't say why I haven't already started,
I have thought about it a lot but something was holding me back.
In fact, for the next month I have decided to "work the program"
like a mad woman. Not just al anon, but reading, journaling and
anything I've held back from doing that I think I need to help me
on my journey back to my whole self. I am going to be fearless.

And I couldn't have gotten this far without the wisdom of
the people on this forum, much gratitude to all who share.
Thank you all.

Happyoneday

Would just like to say thankyou to you all you are all so kind and helpful. I think I will start writing things down so I have something to look at when I am feeling like this.

I don't go to al anon. But I really find this forum so helpful I read a lot on here and I can relate to quite a few posts.

The analogy of things taking time to heal makes so much sense thankyou for this I know it will get easier as time goes by.

My little girl keeps me strong I really don't think I would have been so strong if it hadn't been for her. I just want to make things as perfect as I can for her so she has a happy childhood