Would it be different for you if....
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Would it be different for you if....
Would it be different for you if the addict in your life acted exactly as they do now - BUT they did not drink?
They still stayed out late, they still spend all these hours with friends, still put you and your family last, verbal and/or physical abuse, etc. but were not addicted to alcohol?
Would this make a difference to you? Or do you think that you would still continue to stay?
They still stayed out late, they still spend all these hours with friends, still put you and your family last, verbal and/or physical abuse, etc. but were not addicted to alcohol?
Would this make a difference to you? Or do you think that you would still continue to stay?
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
yes, it would make a huge difference to me.. It's the behavior that is the disease, the use of the DOC is just a symptom. They would have to change their behavior. I don't even know what my husband would be like if he quit drinking - it would be a huge adjustment. But, i know I'm not happy now and if he embraces sobriety, it would be a chance to be happy with him. I think the whole point of our spiritual growth process is to realize - it's really NOT about him at all. It's about you and what makes YOU happy. If his behavior, using or not, does not make you happy - then you may want to move on. If the benefits of staying with him do not outweigh the negatives, it's time to go. Not, that I'm telling you to go or anything - that's just my thought I'm trying to work out with myself.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
I think the reason I stayed is because before CRACK my AH was a totally different person. He is one that acts totally different when he is clean. He has relasped 2 times and there is no way I can live with him using. When he is clean...I couldn't imigane my life without him. I imagine if he acted the same way now as he did when he was using, I would not have any hope of being happy with him. I would have to go. I am starting to figure out that I can want things out of a relationship but I cannot demand those things. If it is something important like "him staying out all night" he knows I won't tolerate it. If he does it....then the ball is in my court.
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I dont think in my situation it would matter........his characteristics are the same.....drinking or not drinking......he has been alcohol free now for five months.....and I think that his drinking was his medication to take away alot of his underlying pain...My husband is a very emtionally sick person and until he gets the help he needs to get through some of the pain he has that are very deeply rooted I dont think he is going to get better........he has to want it, The only difference that I see........is that he has a little more control sometimes.......not all the time.......
To me he is almost exactly the same and at times worse, because of the escape from reality that he misses......(Beer)
The only reason that I believe that we are doing better.......is because of me having a better understanding of his sickness.......and me not focusing everything on him and because I am not reacting to him......I think we are doing better because I am working really hard to put the focus back on me and care how I feel and what I think.....I am starting to no I matter.....
To me he is almost exactly the same and at times worse, because of the escape from reality that he misses......(Beer)
The only reason that I believe that we are doing better.......is because of me having a better understanding of his sickness.......and me not focusing everything on him and because I am not reacting to him......I think we are doing better because I am working really hard to put the focus back on me and care how I feel and what I think.....I am starting to no I matter.....
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
gracey - i agree for the most part. my ah was only sober for about a 1 year period several years ago. he was a lot better, but mine also has deep underlying pain (vietnam) and will not get help or deal with that pain. his guilt, anger, etc. is just eating him alive and it obviously has not gotten bad enough for him to try to get help to dump his baggage.
i can only continue to try and work on me and see where thta path leads me.
cwohio
i can only continue to try and work on me and see where thta path leads me.
cwohio
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
SS,
To me what you described is just different type of ABUSE coupled with unacceptable behavior. My F is the person you described. All that you wrote and he doesn't drink. He is still ugly to be around, acts unacceptably and has been doing so for 40 years with my M still right there. Bad behavior is bad behavior - what I think is worse is there's no disease with what you described. It's just someone acting badly and expecting those around him/her to hang around while they do.
Petunia
To me what you described is just different type of ABUSE coupled with unacceptable behavior. My F is the person you described. All that you wrote and he doesn't drink. He is still ugly to be around, acts unacceptably and has been doing so for 40 years with my M still right there. Bad behavior is bad behavior - what I think is worse is there's no disease with what you described. It's just someone acting badly and expecting those around him/her to hang around while they do.
Petunia
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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Petunia, you are absolutely correct. Perhaps I should have put more thought into my original post before I posted. I simply named off a few things that most AH's are known for. And you're right, it is abuse.
I guess my point in posting is that I think for a lot of us here, we have accepted the bad behaviour simply because we can blame the disease. We can say that the drinking (or the drugging, etc) is what causes our AH's to act the way that they do. We somehow feel that they don't have to be as responsible for their actions as we would hold a non-addict responsible for theirs.
So this is what got me thinking along the lines of the question...if your AH wasn't an alcoholic but still acted the same as they do now but were sober, would you stay? Would you accept that behaviour without having an "excuse" (the drinking) to blame the cause on - or maybe as co-dependents, we'd blame something else (Bad upbringing, hard life, etc)
It was just a thought this morning that I was having. Hmm.......
I guess my point in posting is that I think for a lot of us here, we have accepted the bad behaviour simply because we can blame the disease. We can say that the drinking (or the drugging, etc) is what causes our AH's to act the way that they do. We somehow feel that they don't have to be as responsible for their actions as we would hold a non-addict responsible for theirs.
So this is what got me thinking along the lines of the question...if your AH wasn't an alcoholic but still acted the same as they do now but were sober, would you stay? Would you accept that behaviour without having an "excuse" (the drinking) to blame the cause on - or maybe as co-dependents, we'd blame something else (Bad upbringing, hard life, etc)
It was just a thought this morning that I was having. Hmm.......
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