lolitalola

It's been getting worse for quite a while... Christmas he went on anti depressants. It's been so I don't want to take a shift at work
If he's off as if I get home I can tell he's been drinking and I can't say anything and normally it will end up with me crying. And him saying I'm doing a poor me and manipulating.

But tonight I thought he was painting and later on I found he drank 3/4 bottle straight vodka. I asked him mum to get him and I called the police. He is in the police I've never done this before. I know he'll Blame me and it will be my fault but I didn't want the kids exposed to it.

He left with his mum and I'm in the quiet. I don't know what to do now. I feel it's my fault. Because he always says that. The Sargent said I am a victim of DV. But he wasn't nasty to me tonight like he has been. I just know I do not want him back here for a while.

I'm sick of thinking he's hiding and drinking and saying I'm controlling and dominating and abusive. I can't believe I called them I never ever have. But tonight I did even if he will hate me for it.

CentralOhioDad

Sending hugs. You did the right thing, you are not to beat yourself up over this.

Ariesagain

If you aren't buying him alcohol, knocking him to the ground, and physically forcing it down his throat...then it's all his choice to drink. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. It's up to him.

If the police are saying you are a DV victim, then you are.

Sending you a hug. You were very brave.

Kboys

(((((loli)))))
This is not your fault!

I called the police last year, and I doubted whether or not I should have.
The night I called definitely was not the worst of the abuse, but it could have gotten worse had I not called.

I guess you just get to a point that you can't take it anymore.

I think you did the right thing for you and your children.

Take good care of you today

Liveitwell

I agree with everyone above. I too echo Kboys sentiments-I called the police on my ex and I still questioned whether things were bad enough for he to call or if I had done something wrong (shows how brainwashed his abuse had made me). Please do not for one second think this is YOUR fault.

Get some help from DV people and take care of you and the kids. Your guy needs some help, but that is on him to see that. You get you better!

Hugs. Please keep reaching out for support! (And repeat in your head: it's not my fault!)

lolitalola

Thanks so much for the support I cannot tell you how appreciated it is.

The drama continues I've asked for space and for him to seek recovery and he is insistent on disrespecting my boundaries and coming home. Determined. He will be home tomorrow he says I cannot stop him.

So I am forced to finish work and go to mums and my poor mum has to take all my 3 kids there. I have to get a friend to feed the pony and animals. I am so so angry at this selfish and awful behaviour!!!

He is part of a close police force the Sargent has said he needs to hit rock bottom and is sourcing alcoholic help line for him.

He so wants to be home despite my saying it will end us. I've threatened before but now I am following through. It will mean a 50min commute to the children's school I'm just beyond furious he is doing this.

hopeful4

Unless you get a court order you cannot keep him out of his own home. That's the reality.

So, what's your next step going to be?

Many hugs.

minime13

Have you checked into getting a protective order? It may be a good idea to talk to a DV advocate to see what your options are, moving forward. A protective order may keep you in your house and keep him away from you. Even if you have already made up your mind about going to your mom's, it will give you some legal protetion in case he decides to show up at your mom's.

lolitalola

I'm not sure what to do. I've been at mums since work finished with the kids and he has not attempted contact.

He's at the home seems to be all he wants.
I doubt I will need an avo he is very careful being a member of police. He says he is not drinking so prob feels vindicated does not seem to show any remorse or compassion yet.

I don't know what to do at all. I'm at a loss my stomach is just in knots I can hardy think I'm under such stress

dandylion

lolitalola......I know that this is a very stressful time for you. I am glad that you are fortunate enough to have your mom to go to..even though it is inconvenient. At least you are out of the house and the stress and abuse and emotional negect.

This is too hard for you to go alone....and you have been emotionally beaten down by him for so long.....it really does a job on your confidence and self esteem....

I am so sorry that I am in the States and you, obviously, are in the UK...

My Dear, this is the time that you must get some supportive help. You heed legal advice (VERY important)...and, you need help from the social services......
I realize that our systems are very different....but, surely there are some services for women with children that are in your circumstance.
I realize that you live in a rural community....but, I see that you have a j ob--which is good----and, I surmise that you have transportation....another plus.....

lolitola....I strongly advise that you do not return to the house.....This is the time to make the "break" that you have been talking about since 2012......This is a window of opportunity for you.....
I know that you didn't plan it like this...but, no matter how much you feel that this is inconvenient.....it will not be as bad as l iving with years of marital neglect and emotional abuse.....

Please.please, stay close to this forum and keep posting...so many others, here,,(thousands) have been where you are. There is help, here, and you are not alone.....
You can gain strength from just reading their stories and the daily message of hope that are posted each day! There is a virtual education in the stickies at the top of the main page.....

You are stronger than y ou think!! Don't waver....

dandylion

lolitalola

Thank you Dandylion.

I still am hoping he will get the help he needs he is just on a path to destruct.

He never contacted me at all today I guess it's mind games.
His police friend rang me before as he drove past and they couldn't find him. There was a fair bit of alcohol in the bin.

I just want him to hit rock bottom I can't think of
Anything else yet.

Tomorrow afternoon my friend is coming back home with me to get clothes and some more pets. I'm so incredibly hurt . I just wish the stomach pains would stop.

I'm in Australia.

Thank you for your advice of reading the quotes I will
Try. I'm not in a good place at the moment.

I don't want to return to
The house unless he leaves. I am not sure though. His boss is seeking out support networks to help him. I'm just lost.

dandylion

lolitola....the stomach pains are from extreme anxiety, most likely. do you have any gastric problems....like ulcers or some other condition?

If he is going to hit a bottom...then, he will do it more quickly without your presence. You can't do anything to help him.....staying with him did not help him...It is in his hands....You didn't cause it; you cant control it; and, you can't fix it......
He has people who will help him and stand by him..if that is what he wants....

What about YOU and your 3 children.....
Now is the time to think about yourself and the welfare of your children.
Sacrificing your self and your health and peace of mind will not save him....
the disease of alcoholism does not give a whit about you...and, he is under the influence of the disease. the disease is stronger than y ou....

In two or three days, your nerves will settle down some so that y ou can eat and think more clearly....
Start by making a list of the things that you need to do....and, I would say that getting some legal advice and finding some resources for yourself would be a beginning.....
You can get through this! You are much stronger than you think...we all are....

dandylion

***Australia....how lovely....sorry about the UK thing....It was because you said "Mum".......

lolitalola

Dandelion thank you so much again. I've been up half the night with the pains. I'm 42 I am sure it must be anxiety.

I am determined to stay away but I have a young 4 year son who is on the spectrum that is begging to go home. My 12 year old is extremely worried about her pony in the paddock. It's not going to be sustainable for long with the commute.
I'm also worried sick about getting the car and some clothes and seeing him today. I have a huge day at work and can't sleep atm.

My mum is going on a Europe trip end of next week so I will be able to continue living here and driving for at least another month. The Sargent of police up here will be back sat and I am hoping he will start to put pressure on to him. Everyone knows what is going on right now.

I have my daughters 7th bday on sat he was meant to have made her cake and I have organised all that. He doesn't know the party location either on Sunday.
Once I get through the weekend I can drive them to school and kindy mon and start to evaluate.

I'm just incredible worried about today. I will
Have. A close friend with me. Just being back at my home will be so upsetting. He's on night shift for the next few nights and working.

dandylion

lolitalola......it sounds like you are thinking things through for the immediate.....
I can understand your concern over your son and the animals. I hope that the neighbor can continue to watch over the pony. Maybe, the neightbor can speak to your daughter o n the phone to reassure her....
So smart of you to have a close friend with you.....

I am in the medical field....and I want to say that if the pains continue or become worse, you might want to see a doctor....because there are other things besides anxiety that can cause pain...like gallstones, etc......
It would not be a bad idea to be checked, anyway...anxiety can trigger all sorts of physical symptoms...like high blood pressure, for example.....

In a strange way...it may be in your favor that "everybody" knows about it.....that way, you can't be tempted to hide it...and, it makes help and compassion much more easily available to you.....

Safety first, always.....
Take this one day at a time....and, try not to future trip too far ahead...
Just stay in the present and do what you know you have to do.....
This must seem l I ke a nightmare to you, right now....but you will get through this.

dandylion

AnvilheadII

i will never understand the jackass mentality that sees no problem in the wife and kids being the ones who have to up and leave so that HE can stay in the castle. i can only hope that if you stay away long enough, he MAY begin to THINK just abit, at the very least about the welfare of his CHILDREN. esp if he's a cop??????

stay strong loli! i hope there are others who are checking in on the animals. is there a time when HE will NOT be home where you take your DD to see her pony?

lolitalola

I'm feeling stronger.
He's been ringing and texting saying that if I come home if he drinks again he will move out please give him a chance. Constantly calling. I will not answer.

His mum called him and said I am not moving back he has pushed me enough and I've had enough. It looks like he's obsessing over me now rather than working on himself.

My stomach is much better this morning. I am feeling better as I've decided to go home tomorrow with my friend and get some things. Another day with no contact is good. He got a shock when he asked how the chil

Again I appreciate the support more than I can describe.
Anvil he does shift work so I am leaving it for now.

dandylion

lolitalola.....I think you are wise not to answer. The less contact, the better.

Typical of alcoholics....he is not thinking of anyone but himself. The disease operates this way. He cannot keep any promise not to drink.
He will just put you and the kids through the same thing, once again if you go back.
They will say whatever it takes to get the status-quo back, again. Never mind what it does to you and the kids.
I am glad that your mother in law is able to see the reality of the situation!

Try to get a night's sleep....and remember to eat. It is important to take care of yourself.
You are doing fine considering the situation!

dandylion

Liveitwell

^ what dandy said!! He's doing what alcoholics do...period. They truly only think of their pain and not the pain they've inflicted on others or how they've torn up a family or abused wife and kids. It's really sick, and the farther away and more detached you get, the more you will be able to SEE it for what it is.

You take care of yourself and stay strong so you don't get sucked back in again.

FeelingGreat

lolitalola, I'm sorry for your situation but in a way this crisis might help to resolve a situation that can't go on.
Are you hanging out for a reconciliation brought on by him going to rehab? It's just that you seem reluctant to seek legal help to get you back to the house for the children, and him out. It might just be that you haven't had a chance to really think.
I suggest you use the weekend to work out action plans for whatever scenarios you have in mind. I don't know how you feel about the long term future of your marriage, but your plans could involve divorce, permanent separation, him going to rehab etc.
Whatever you decide there are a range of steps you'll need to put in place, and the sooner the better. Legal advice, DV resources, children's services, money, etc. It's best not to wait for another crisis when thinking is harder.
I would caution you about moving more than the essentials out of the house, because that looks like you're conceding possession to him.

ladyscribbler

Hi Lo. Hope you and your children are doing OK. I have been in a similar spot where I temporarily left home with the kids. More than once, actually. My experience is that each time I returned, believing his promises, things ultimately turned for the worse. Maybe not right away, but there was always that day of reckoning where I got punished for "abandoning" him and "taking away his son."
I know my hope was that HE would just go get himself sober and I wouldn't really have to do anything or uproot our lives too terribly much. That seemed like the easiest solution, the one that involved the least amount of upheaval and stress for me and the kids. After all, HE was the one with the problem, so why was I the one facing all the hard choices and contemplating terrifying things like protective orders and police reports? Why should I have to humiliate myself by telling the most personal and scary and shameful things in my life to strangers? The things I didn't even like to think about.
I hesitated for a long time because the solution (him getting sober) seemed so simple and obvious. I did a lot of damage to myself and my kids waiting around for that easy out. I regret staying so long and exposing my kids to so many traumatic events because I thought it would be easier than doing the work to make things official. I was also terrified of upsetting him, which in hindsight was one of the many reasons I should have acted sooner.
I ended up having to do all that hard stuff anyway. It was worth it in the end, but knowing what I do now, I would have been much more proactive and not wasted all that time looking for him to be the solution.
We are here for you. Hoping you can find a little bit of peace today. Take care.