How to deal with a loved one destroying herself?
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 1
How to deal with a loved one destroying herself?
Hello everyone, this is my first time on a forum, not only the first time on a aa forum but a forum in general...To be honest with you, i have arrived to a situation where my personal thoughts and experiences cannot find an answer to what i am looking for. I am seeking advice. No one around me seems to be living the same situation and for once i will find the courage to speak about it.
I am the first born of 2 divorced alcoholics, one would be a "functional alcoholic" (drinks every day, mood swings, socially normal, or let's say less hard to deal with than the other parent ...but keeps a kind of normal life now that he is retired), and a mother who is slowly destroying/killing herself through alcohol.
I have had this environment since i was very young ( I am in college now). I am not used to these kind of ways to communicate about things over the internet, but i could use some advice and help.
I do not speak english perfectly since english is not my first language but i will try my best... I will try to describe what creates a great deal of suffering to myself.
I do not really know where to search help and advice from, so in a desperate measure i will try new methods...Reason why i try this forum.
So i am the son of 2 alcoholic parents, i have a sister, and i love my family very much. Of course, like anybody else, i did not choose my family, nor did i choose the experiences i have went through.
I have always had a hard time dealing with the alcoholism of my mother especially, and i have a hard time understanding why. I've spent my life trying to care and protect my family, especially my sister from all of this but i feel lost. I do not know what to do, i do not know what to feel, i do not know what is the next step, i do not know what is the right way to deal with this situation, and i have no one who to talk to about it.
I live in a reality that i cannot share. I have no friends that i can share my story with and the only time i have spoken about it the only advice i get is "you got to protect yourself". I do not worry by pleasure, i worry because i love my family and they are all that i have.
Sadly, having divorced parents, i feel responsible of the well being of my mother. She does not have any family close by. My sister and i are her only family and i am the only one who cares...That build up a huge weight on me...
I have been living with this alcoholic mother since 10 years now, probably more, and it has a real impact on my own life. The rare people i have dared to speak about only a small story about certain things like when i could not show up for certain classes because my mother would be in the hospital for diverse reasons due to alcohol like liver cirrohsis or brain damage due to falling in the stairs, etc... they always told me to find a way to accept the situation...My problem is that i keep hope that she will change, because she has moments where she understands that she needs to stop alcohol and stops for a couple of weeks, but only to start drinking again even more than before. I am young, but i have gone through (other than alcoholic parents) so much for my age, but of course that makes me stronger, but i feel weak since a few weeks.
I try to be the pillar of stability for my sister, to always be there when she needs help and advice for anything, i try to be there for my step brothers, i help them in their school work. I try to be the best son i can, i call my mother everytime i can to avoid her feeling lonely, etc... But i am starting to be worried...
I have gone through this kind of experience more than once but this time was different in the fact that i felt the need for help and advice for the first time. I could not deal with it alone totally anymore.
Recently i arrived home (i felt the need to urgently go back home because my mom was not answering the phone and the last voicemail she left me was totally drunk speech, and i had a wierd feeling) And i found her in her bed, with bruises all over her face, for a moment i thought she was dead...She was just passed out.
Having lived with this women for most of my life, i did not even recognize her. She probably fell in the stairs, but she was telling me to leave her alone. I could not leave her alone. I told her that she had the choice, i would call an ambulance or i would call a doctor. But it was 2 am. I decided to call a doctor and explain the situation. The doctor asked me to call the police. She was worried, through the symptoms that i described, that she had been beaten. I did what the doctor said. The police came, the doctor came after, and they all said that i did the right thing and they told me that we could not leave her alone (my mother at that time thought that there was no problem and that all was good...).
Finally an ambulance came, in her living room there was the equivalent of 50 liters of empty bottles, there was things every where as if someone had tried to break in and steal things...My mother had fallen in the stairs, and was lucky enough to get back up and walk, but there was blood everywhere, I had the impression of being in a crime scene of CSI with what i saw...But that was not a part that marked me, sadly said, i have had already gone through that a couple months before.
So the police and doctor called the ambulance, which arrived, and decided to pick her up, because we could not leave her in such state all alone (when she drinks she does not eat, does not change clothes, does not wash, does not go to the bathroom other than on herself,...).
And she was taken to the emergencies. The doctors there said that it was a question of days. She would have stayed in her state, with no help, she could have started to have epileptic crisis due to blood in the brain because of the fall in the stairs that was not taken care of fast enough, and the alcohol killing her so much that her liver could just not take it anymore.
She stayed in the hospital for many weeks. But my mother is not the easy type to accept that she made a mistake, no, i was the bad child to have called for help and put her in "prison" in the hospital. I know withdrawal does affect a person, i have seen that many times, but this was plain aggressive all the time for no reason. I was trying to go to school and go to class, and try to have a normal student life when the doctors say that she does not have much time left, but i tried my best. It was not easy.
Long story short, she was kept in the hospital as long as it was the "necessary judicial limit" for them to let her go if she wanted to go back home. They cannot keep a patient against their will after a certain time, even if it could save their life.
Back home, she stopped drinking, after going through neurological tests, that clearly proved that alcohol developed holes in her brain, and her liver was completely destroyed and her blood tests were very bad.
And things were going great, sober for a few weeks, i finally had the impression of seeing my mother that i did not see since a decade. But a few days later, as soon as she could drive again, she went to go buy some alcohol again and got drunk...
All this story could last long, and it is already hard to explain this story with a keyboard, and i am not used to this, and this is only 1% of what has been happening these last years...
But as i said, i feel lost, i am always the guy who is strong and deals with everything, but problem has made me admit that i am weak towards my emotions of fear and incomprehension towards this situation.
She has been this way since years, especially during final exam moments, my sister and i, her only family left, we love her very much, we try our best, we do everything and try all the ways we know to make her feel good, and when she is sober she is so grateful, but when she get's drunk we are bad children who do not care about her. She manipulates us against each other and my main problem is this incomprehension towards this whole situation...I have grown and developed (i hope) more maturity and wisdom over the years, and i used to be just angry towards my parents for them making me suffer and drinking too much. But now i know that there is for sure a deep meaning to all of this that i cannot comprehend. There must be expressions of fears or deep psychological issues that were not resolved that come out now.
But all i know is that its hard to trying to be the normal kid/young adult/student and go forward in life when you go through these kind of events.
What i am seeking for is maybe someone who was in the same situation, and maybe give me some tips or advice on how to deal with this situation, because im not afraid to say that for most things im really strong and i can deal with anything, but with this, i have no shame in saying i need your help or advice.
Sorry the story was long, and i dont really know how this whole forum thing works, but if you took the time to go through all of this, thank you.
If there are students out there, who do some of you find the distance to focus, and how do you deal with this kind of situation?
I am the first born of 2 divorced alcoholics, one would be a "functional alcoholic" (drinks every day, mood swings, socially normal, or let's say less hard to deal with than the other parent ...but keeps a kind of normal life now that he is retired), and a mother who is slowly destroying/killing herself through alcohol.
I have had this environment since i was very young ( I am in college now). I am not used to these kind of ways to communicate about things over the internet, but i could use some advice and help.
I do not speak english perfectly since english is not my first language but i will try my best... I will try to describe what creates a great deal of suffering to myself.
I do not really know where to search help and advice from, so in a desperate measure i will try new methods...Reason why i try this forum.
So i am the son of 2 alcoholic parents, i have a sister, and i love my family very much. Of course, like anybody else, i did not choose my family, nor did i choose the experiences i have went through.
I have always had a hard time dealing with the alcoholism of my mother especially, and i have a hard time understanding why. I've spent my life trying to care and protect my family, especially my sister from all of this but i feel lost. I do not know what to do, i do not know what to feel, i do not know what is the next step, i do not know what is the right way to deal with this situation, and i have no one who to talk to about it.
I live in a reality that i cannot share. I have no friends that i can share my story with and the only time i have spoken about it the only advice i get is "you got to protect yourself". I do not worry by pleasure, i worry because i love my family and they are all that i have.
Sadly, having divorced parents, i feel responsible of the well being of my mother. She does not have any family close by. My sister and i are her only family and i am the only one who cares...That build up a huge weight on me...
I have been living with this alcoholic mother since 10 years now, probably more, and it has a real impact on my own life. The rare people i have dared to speak about only a small story about certain things like when i could not show up for certain classes because my mother would be in the hospital for diverse reasons due to alcohol like liver cirrohsis or brain damage due to falling in the stairs, etc... they always told me to find a way to accept the situation...My problem is that i keep hope that she will change, because she has moments where she understands that she needs to stop alcohol and stops for a couple of weeks, but only to start drinking again even more than before. I am young, but i have gone through (other than alcoholic parents) so much for my age, but of course that makes me stronger, but i feel weak since a few weeks.
I try to be the pillar of stability for my sister, to always be there when she needs help and advice for anything, i try to be there for my step brothers, i help them in their school work. I try to be the best son i can, i call my mother everytime i can to avoid her feeling lonely, etc... But i am starting to be worried...
I have gone through this kind of experience more than once but this time was different in the fact that i felt the need for help and advice for the first time. I could not deal with it alone totally anymore.
Recently i arrived home (i felt the need to urgently go back home because my mom was not answering the phone and the last voicemail she left me was totally drunk speech, and i had a wierd feeling) And i found her in her bed, with bruises all over her face, for a moment i thought she was dead...She was just passed out.
Having lived with this women for most of my life, i did not even recognize her. She probably fell in the stairs, but she was telling me to leave her alone. I could not leave her alone. I told her that she had the choice, i would call an ambulance or i would call a doctor. But it was 2 am. I decided to call a doctor and explain the situation. The doctor asked me to call the police. She was worried, through the symptoms that i described, that she had been beaten. I did what the doctor said. The police came, the doctor came after, and they all said that i did the right thing and they told me that we could not leave her alone (my mother at that time thought that there was no problem and that all was good...).
Finally an ambulance came, in her living room there was the equivalent of 50 liters of empty bottles, there was things every where as if someone had tried to break in and steal things...My mother had fallen in the stairs, and was lucky enough to get back up and walk, but there was blood everywhere, I had the impression of being in a crime scene of CSI with what i saw...But that was not a part that marked me, sadly said, i have had already gone through that a couple months before.
So the police and doctor called the ambulance, which arrived, and decided to pick her up, because we could not leave her in such state all alone (when she drinks she does not eat, does not change clothes, does not wash, does not go to the bathroom other than on herself,...).
And she was taken to the emergencies. The doctors there said that it was a question of days. She would have stayed in her state, with no help, she could have started to have epileptic crisis due to blood in the brain because of the fall in the stairs that was not taken care of fast enough, and the alcohol killing her so much that her liver could just not take it anymore.
She stayed in the hospital for many weeks. But my mother is not the easy type to accept that she made a mistake, no, i was the bad child to have called for help and put her in "prison" in the hospital. I know withdrawal does affect a person, i have seen that many times, but this was plain aggressive all the time for no reason. I was trying to go to school and go to class, and try to have a normal student life when the doctors say that she does not have much time left, but i tried my best. It was not easy.
Long story short, she was kept in the hospital as long as it was the "necessary judicial limit" for them to let her go if she wanted to go back home. They cannot keep a patient against their will after a certain time, even if it could save their life.
Back home, she stopped drinking, after going through neurological tests, that clearly proved that alcohol developed holes in her brain, and her liver was completely destroyed and her blood tests were very bad.
And things were going great, sober for a few weeks, i finally had the impression of seeing my mother that i did not see since a decade. But a few days later, as soon as she could drive again, she went to go buy some alcohol again and got drunk...
All this story could last long, and it is already hard to explain this story with a keyboard, and i am not used to this, and this is only 1% of what has been happening these last years...
But as i said, i feel lost, i am always the guy who is strong and deals with everything, but problem has made me admit that i am weak towards my emotions of fear and incomprehension towards this situation.
She has been this way since years, especially during final exam moments, my sister and i, her only family left, we love her very much, we try our best, we do everything and try all the ways we know to make her feel good, and when she is sober she is so grateful, but when she get's drunk we are bad children who do not care about her. She manipulates us against each other and my main problem is this incomprehension towards this whole situation...I have grown and developed (i hope) more maturity and wisdom over the years, and i used to be just angry towards my parents for them making me suffer and drinking too much. But now i know that there is for sure a deep meaning to all of this that i cannot comprehend. There must be expressions of fears or deep psychological issues that were not resolved that come out now.
But all i know is that its hard to trying to be the normal kid/young adult/student and go forward in life when you go through these kind of events.
What i am seeking for is maybe someone who was in the same situation, and maybe give me some tips or advice on how to deal with this situation, because im not afraid to say that for most things im really strong and i can deal with anything, but with this, i have no shame in saying i need your help or advice.
Sorry the story was long, and i dont really know how this whole forum thing works, but if you took the time to go through all of this, thank you.
If there are students out there, who do some of you find the distance to focus, and how do you deal with this kind of situation?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
John,
Back to you. Good for you for reaching out, not very many people out in the "real" world would believe everything you have dealt with. You mother has a disease and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. It is very hard to accept that there is nothing you can do. If an alcoholic doesn't want to stop, they won't. So that is enough about the alcoholic, lets talk about you.
I am sure you are the typical enabler. Meaning you help everyone, you are a peace keeper, the perfect child. What are you doing for you? Do you have any alanon meetings around where you live, that you can attend. This helps the family members deal with the stress of loving an alcoholic. Could you reach out to a therapist who specializes in addiction? You need to start helping you, because if you are not well, you can't help "everyone" else.
I would read the "stickies" at the top of the page and educate yourself about addiction. There is nothing you can do your them, but a lot you can do for yourself to get in a better place. Hugs John, keep posting and asking questions and maybe one day you will be in better place.
Back to you. Good for you for reaching out, not very many people out in the "real" world would believe everything you have dealt with. You mother has a disease and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. It is very hard to accept that there is nothing you can do. If an alcoholic doesn't want to stop, they won't. So that is enough about the alcoholic, lets talk about you.
I am sure you are the typical enabler. Meaning you help everyone, you are a peace keeper, the perfect child. What are you doing for you? Do you have any alanon meetings around where you live, that you can attend. This helps the family members deal with the stress of loving an alcoholic. Could you reach out to a therapist who specializes in addiction? You need to start helping you, because if you are not well, you can't help "everyone" else.
I would read the "stickies" at the top of the page and educate yourself about addiction. There is nothing you can do your them, but a lot you can do for yourself to get in a better place. Hugs John, keep posting and asking questions and maybe one day you will be in better place.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug. There isn't much you can do unless your mom wants to get sober and it sounds like she doesn't.
It may help you a tiny bit to know that when she is drunk and being ugly to you, it isn't her talking, it's her addiction.
Is there a way for you to see a therapist who is experienced with codependence and addiction? Your life can be saved and you have control over that.
I'm sorry. You sound like a very good person.
It may help you a tiny bit to know that when she is drunk and being ugly to you, it isn't her talking, it's her addiction.
Is there a way for you to see a therapist who is experienced with codependence and addiction? Your life can be saved and you have control over that.
I'm sorry. You sound like a very good person.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think the best you could do for yourself in this situation is to go to Al Anon and work the step program. You need healthy boundaries with this relationship and to detach from it (which doesn't mean never see her).
She is choosing a life that is very sad - there is nothing you can do about it. You can save yourself mentally and get the help YOU need, or you can continue to be guilted and blamed.
She is choosing a life that is very sad - there is nothing you can do about it. You can save yourself mentally and get the help YOU need, or you can continue to be guilted and blamed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Hi John,
+1 on going to a few Al-Anon meetings, I think you'll likely find many of the people there have been through similar experiences and understand something of what you're feeling. For my part Alanon has helped free me from frustration and anger towards my wife, and has produced a much clearer and composed mind with respect to her, and life in general.
+1 on going to a few Al-Anon meetings, I think you'll likely find many of the people there have been through similar experiences and understand something of what you're feeling. For my part Alanon has helped free me from frustration and anger towards my wife, and has produced a much clearer and composed mind with respect to her, and life in general.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
Hi John dont have much to add. I just wanted to say hi. Your English is very good I understood everything you said.
I will say when your mother says mean or bad things to you try not to take it to personal. You seem like a fine young man and I'm sure your mother is proud of you even if she isnt good at expressing it.
I'm not saying you should leave her behind completely but youre at an age where you need to live your life for you. College is a time where we discover ourselves and find out who we are. You cant do that if in the back of your mind you are always worrying about your mom.
Does your school have a program where you could see a counselor ? That might be helpful. I'll bet there is meetings right on campus where you could meet other students who have similar issues. Face to face meetings could be really helpful.
I guess I did have something to add ha ha. You hit a nerve with me. You seem like a fine young man. I want to wish you luck and encourage you to keep sharing here it helps
I will say when your mother says mean or bad things to you try not to take it to personal. You seem like a fine young man and I'm sure your mother is proud of you even if she isnt good at expressing it.
I'm not saying you should leave her behind completely but youre at an age where you need to live your life for you. College is a time where we discover ourselves and find out who we are. You cant do that if in the back of your mind you are always worrying about your mom.
Does your school have a program where you could see a counselor ? That might be helpful. I'll bet there is meetings right on campus where you could meet other students who have similar issues. Face to face meetings could be really helpful.
I guess I did have something to add ha ha. You hit a nerve with me. You seem like a fine young man. I want to wish you luck and encourage you to keep sharing here it helps
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,098
Hi, I'm actually from the other side of the forum as an alcoholic myself, but most of my family are alcoholics too and I'm also a student.
I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with and I agree with everyone else regarding al anon and counselling, but these are some study tips I used when I was dealing with my alcoholic family.
I'm not sure if this will help, but some of the ways I stayed focussed through the worst times with my family and ex partner - I would give myself a few hours, say 4 or 5, and tell myself for those hours only I don't need to worry, I just need to get this paper done and then I'll allow myself to think about my family. I'd normally find a spot in the library, put on music and focus on the work for just those hours, then I'd give myself permission to think about them. It was a trick I played on myself that worked well. In time I felt less guilty for studying or having my own life and I was able to do this without thinking about it.
Another thing I would do is study a lot at night or early morning after I knew everyone else was ok. I'm not really recommending this, it is definitely much healthier if you learn to detach and stop feeling guilty over your need to study/have your own life, but I also know I wasn't ready to do that and this way I at least got my work done too.
Studying can also be a great escape, so for me I started enjoying studying and would fit it in any time I could as a way to distract myself from my worries. It also eventually fuelled my desire to create a better future for myself, motivating me to study when everything else seemed to be falling apart.
Im sorry I don't have more advice for dealing with the alcoholism, I know how hard it is to watch, but I'd really just make an effort every day to focus on yourself and school. You can't control her actions, but you can improve your own future.
I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with and I agree with everyone else regarding al anon and counselling, but these are some study tips I used when I was dealing with my alcoholic family.
I'm not sure if this will help, but some of the ways I stayed focussed through the worst times with my family and ex partner - I would give myself a few hours, say 4 or 5, and tell myself for those hours only I don't need to worry, I just need to get this paper done and then I'll allow myself to think about my family. I'd normally find a spot in the library, put on music and focus on the work for just those hours, then I'd give myself permission to think about them. It was a trick I played on myself that worked well. In time I felt less guilty for studying or having my own life and I was able to do this without thinking about it.
Another thing I would do is study a lot at night or early morning after I knew everyone else was ok. I'm not really recommending this, it is definitely much healthier if you learn to detach and stop feeling guilty over your need to study/have your own life, but I also know I wasn't ready to do that and this way I at least got my work done too.
Studying can also be a great escape, so for me I started enjoying studying and would fit it in any time I could as a way to distract myself from my worries. It also eventually fuelled my desire to create a better future for myself, motivating me to study when everything else seemed to be falling apart.
Im sorry I don't have more advice for dealing with the alcoholism, I know how hard it is to watch, but I'd really just make an effort every day to focus on yourself and school. You can't control her actions, but you can improve your own future.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
I'm so sorry that you are going through this tough situation. You should not be the child who takes care of the parent, it should be the other way around. Although you are the caregiver in the family, this can have very serious consequences for your future and your sibling's future. You wouldn't want the codependent mindset to follow you throughout your adult life into your marriage, your future children's lives, your sister's marriage etc. which typically tends to happen with alcoholic families; either the sons or daughters end up taking on too much responsibilities for others (codependent) or too little responsibilities (alcoholic) and both outcomes are usually statistically the case when coming from a dysfunctional household.
I would recommend going to seek out therapy or join alanon support group, gain as much info as you can about alcoholism and codependency. I know you love your mom and want to help her, but you need to come to a realization that you can't change her. It's sad but you need to focus on you and your school and future.
I would recommend going to seek out therapy or join alanon support group, gain as much info as you can about alcoholism and codependency. I know you love your mom and want to help her, but you need to come to a realization that you can't change her. It's sad but you need to focus on you and your school and future.
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