Did I even love him??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Did I even love him??
I am feeling so shaky on my feet. I feel like everything around me is changing. My most recent shot to the chest was learning about love addiction.
Did I really spend that many years of my life with someone simply because I didn’t want to be alone, and because I was in love with the IDEA of love? If I really think about it, while he was a “nice guy” (I would say avoidant more like) I really couldn’t see a future with him. I wanted too… badly… I wanted to see the house with the kids running around, him playing with them relaxed while I cooked dinner… and while I could see it, it didn’t come easy. It didn’t feel “sure”.
I realized a couple weeks ago that what I was mourning was the death of a *dream*. I acknowledged that what had shattered was just an illusion; it wasn’t reality, but now to have to see that I may just be in love with the idea of love? I can’t deny that it may be true…
How do you stop the waves of nausea that come from these moments? I’m starting to not recognize the world around me anymore and it’s scary. I know that I am getting healthier, and that this is a GOOD thing, but sometimes I really feel like I was dumped into another dimension.
Did I really spend that many years of my life with someone simply because I didn’t want to be alone, and because I was in love with the IDEA of love? If I really think about it, while he was a “nice guy” (I would say avoidant more like) I really couldn’t see a future with him. I wanted too… badly… I wanted to see the house with the kids running around, him playing with them relaxed while I cooked dinner… and while I could see it, it didn’t come easy. It didn’t feel “sure”.
I realized a couple weeks ago that what I was mourning was the death of a *dream*. I acknowledged that what had shattered was just an illusion; it wasn’t reality, but now to have to see that I may just be in love with the idea of love? I can’t deny that it may be true…
How do you stop the waves of nausea that come from these moments? I’m starting to not recognize the world around me anymore and it’s scary. I know that I am getting healthier, and that this is a GOOD thing, but sometimes I really feel like I was dumped into another dimension.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Much love to you, Expanding. I promise that at some point in your recovery, those revelations will stop feeling like nausea, and start feeling like epiphanies of a healthy and wonderful life.
I can't speak for you, of course, but I know that for me, I did love him. What I had to come to accept was that parts of it were not a HEALTHY love. And I certainly stayed around way longer than I should have, partly because I didn't want to let go of memories of a healthy love.
How do you stop the waves of nausea that come from these moments?
I think the key is that we can have dreams of a healthy relationship, kids running around, dog barking in the yard etc. but first we need to know and understand what exactly healthy is and most of all that we do deserve that dream with someone who is able to help built it together.
When I look back in time now I clearly see all the mistakes I made that I was unable to see at that time, I smile and give thanks for the lesson I finally learned and the mistakes I will never make again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
I'm so tired of feeling guilty. The mistakes I've made are so painful. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. Appreciate what I had in front of me instead of always trying to change him but I wasn't going to be happy either way. Whether I tried to control him or not I wouldn't have been happy with his drinking.
I didn't trust that he wouldn't be drunk around the kids. Or leave me home alone while he went out. Or that it wouldn't get worse over time.
After all this, after all he's said and done behind my back I still feel bad for the pain I caused him, while I am most likely not a blip in his mind. This is so twisted!
He hit the jackpot when he met me. I have much too much of a conscience. I'm too nice and I care even when there is great evidence showing that I shouldn't! Perfect enabler material
I didn't trust that he wouldn't be drunk around the kids. Or leave me home alone while he went out. Or that it wouldn't get worse over time.
After all this, after all he's said and done behind my back I still feel bad for the pain I caused him, while I am most likely not a blip in his mind. This is so twisted!
He hit the jackpot when he met me. I have much too much of a conscience. I'm too nice and I care even when there is great evidence showing that I shouldn't! Perfect enabler material
Honestly? I just laid down on the floor so my head would stop spinning & my stomach would stop feeling like it was dropping out. And usually I sobbed uncontrollably. I couldn't tell you EXACTLY why most of the time, because all of those AHA moments just kept going & it was hard to separate any of it.... it all got tangled up & seemed harder to understand the more I learned.
Best advice is to just keep going, take time outs when you need them, get extra rest when your head is spinning & your emotions are on overload. I call it "marinating", it's when I let everything I've learned just soak in & I switch to observer mode until I'm ready to engage again. It could be anywhere from a few hours to a couple of weeks while I just "coast". It's ok to take a step back & regroup - it'll all still be there when you get back.
Best advice is to just keep going, take time outs when you need them, get extra rest when your head is spinning & your emotions are on overload. I call it "marinating", it's when I let everything I've learned just soak in & I switch to observer mode until I'm ready to engage again. It could be anywhere from a few hours to a couple of weeks while I just "coast". It's ok to take a step back & regroup - it'll all still be there when you get back.
i remember the day when it was revealed that the pretty diamond ring my then husband got me for Christmas the year iwas pregnant with our daughter, didn't come from HIM at all.......nope, my MOTHER bought it and then GAVE him to give to me......
sorta blew the doors off of a lot of things......and explained why things fell apart the way they did. and i remember feeling like i wished i'd never started pulling on that string, because EVERYTHING was unraveling and i couldn't stop it.
according to some, NOTHING is REAL and everything is an illusion. not sure i'm willing to go quite THAT far....the chair i'm sitting in right now feels pretty real, the tickle in my throat that made me cough, and that was one spicy jalepeno in my lunch.....but we we certainly and almost always DO romanticize our primary relationships to some degree......i think it's a matter of to what degree we do so and if there are any facts to the contrary that we IGNORE. the But's and If's.....
Yes, he hit me, BUT not that hard....
He would be the best, IF ONLY he would stop drinking....
etc etc....
I'm too nice
is that REAL or has that become your IDENTITY, your SHIELD?
sorta blew the doors off of a lot of things......and explained why things fell apart the way they did. and i remember feeling like i wished i'd never started pulling on that string, because EVERYTHING was unraveling and i couldn't stop it.
according to some, NOTHING is REAL and everything is an illusion. not sure i'm willing to go quite THAT far....the chair i'm sitting in right now feels pretty real, the tickle in my throat that made me cough, and that was one spicy jalepeno in my lunch.....but we we certainly and almost always DO romanticize our primary relationships to some degree......i think it's a matter of to what degree we do so and if there are any facts to the contrary that we IGNORE. the But's and If's.....
Yes, he hit me, BUT not that hard....
He would be the best, IF ONLY he would stop drinking....
etc etc....
I'm too nice
is that REAL or has that become your IDENTITY, your SHIELD?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
It really does feel as though everything is unraveling and I can't stop it... I supressed and pushed everything down for so long that now it's so heavy it's running right over me. I never anticipated it would be this bad.
Being nice is certainly an identity. I was too too nice and never said anything. I gave until I had nothing left to give and felt I had no choice but to not be nice, because clearly being nice wasn't working. I started to speak up and it backfired so badly in my face. I was now a bitch because I had opinions and wants and needs... that's assuming they were even heard or not minimized. I can at least forgive myself at this point for acting out. I held way too much in
Expanding....of course, a lot of what you are going through, right now, is normal ;and necessary grieving.....
I suspect that awful nausea feeling that you are having is anxiety from fear.....
Fear of the future and fear of what does not seem fathomable to you....
The fear of the fear can come into play.....
The fear that somehow, the feelings will cause one to fall into a black hole and it will swallow you up......it wont, but it can sure feel like that.
If this is true for you....remember that fear is a feeling...but, it is not FACT!
What I think might help (it did for me).....is to ask yourself what, exactly what the fears are.....at least, the top three..lol...
Then....writing them down.....
This may be a bit harder assignment than it looks on the surface....because, sometimes, the worst fears ---we are afraid to think about...and, even scarier to say out loud and god forbid....write down!
sometimes, our fears are barely conscious....(to scary).....
What else can help?.....I found that the more I had face to face time with those who really understood, the less overwhelmed I felt about my emotions...Humans NEED other humans when they are grieving.....we are built that way.
the knowledge that this is the short-term pain for the long-term gain can help you to keep going. As long as you keep going...you will, for sure, come o ut of the other side.....
It is not always going to feel like this.....
dandylion
I suspect that awful nausea feeling that you are having is anxiety from fear.....
Fear of the future and fear of what does not seem fathomable to you....
The fear of the fear can come into play.....
The fear that somehow, the feelings will cause one to fall into a black hole and it will swallow you up......it wont, but it can sure feel like that.
If this is true for you....remember that fear is a feeling...but, it is not FACT!
What I think might help (it did for me).....is to ask yourself what, exactly what the fears are.....at least, the top three..lol...
Then....writing them down.....
This may be a bit harder assignment than it looks on the surface....because, sometimes, the worst fears ---we are afraid to think about...and, even scarier to say out loud and god forbid....write down!
sometimes, our fears are barely conscious....(to scary).....
What else can help?.....I found that the more I had face to face time with those who really understood, the less overwhelmed I felt about my emotions...Humans NEED other humans when they are grieving.....we are built that way.
the knowledge that this is the short-term pain for the long-term gain can help you to keep going. As long as you keep going...you will, for sure, come o ut of the other side.....
It is not always going to feel like this.....
dandylion
As a co-dependent, YOUR brain is affected in a way similar to the addict of chemicals...and there is an area of the brain that is doing something off-kilter when we feel nauseated. Amazing how closely the brain is tied in with feelings, huh? But, it's so true!
So, as with a lot of things, for myself, at least half the battle, if not more, is with my thinking, my thoughts patterns, and my erroneous thinking.
Staring at the TRUTH and no longer denying the truth of a matter does not feel too good when our illusions have been shattered. Stark reality can really suck sometimes! In fact, I think there is a part of our brains that become engaged and attached to illusions when we don't want to face reality let alone deal with reality.
Once illusions are shattered, we can begin again. One thing has ended, but something so much greater has a chance to begin. Is it easy? NO. Is it a challenge? Yes. Is it worth it to know the truth? In most cases, yes. I guess what I mean by that is there are things we need to know and some things maybe we don't need to know...so I try to think in terms of "need to know" basis. If there is something I don't really need to, then what I don't know won't hurt me. But if there is something I really do need to know, no matter how difficult it is, I have to come to terms with the truth and stop denying the facts...facts being actions, not words.
Did you ever love him? Yes, I think you most likely did. And that's okay. You don't have to feel stupid because of it. As long as there is life we can turn mistakes into gold, so to speak...and that is looking at it in a positive way....right now, you might kicking yourself, looking back and feeling a lot of regret....but hang in there....regret can be dealt with too, just like all the othe.r issues that may come up. It's not a good feeling; regret. I sure don't care for it when I feel that way, but I came to a point in which I realized I could hang on to regret or let it go. My choice. My choice to let go of regret was empowering and made me feel liberated too. I did not realize how much I was keeping myself hostage.
Were you just a 'blip'? I seriously doubt that!
So, as with a lot of things, for myself, at least half the battle, if not more, is with my thinking, my thoughts patterns, and my erroneous thinking.
Staring at the TRUTH and no longer denying the truth of a matter does not feel too good when our illusions have been shattered. Stark reality can really suck sometimes! In fact, I think there is a part of our brains that become engaged and attached to illusions when we don't want to face reality let alone deal with reality.
Once illusions are shattered, we can begin again. One thing has ended, but something so much greater has a chance to begin. Is it easy? NO. Is it a challenge? Yes. Is it worth it to know the truth? In most cases, yes. I guess what I mean by that is there are things we need to know and some things maybe we don't need to know...so I try to think in terms of "need to know" basis. If there is something I don't really need to, then what I don't know won't hurt me. But if there is something I really do need to know, no matter how difficult it is, I have to come to terms with the truth and stop denying the facts...facts being actions, not words.
Did you ever love him? Yes, I think you most likely did. And that's okay. You don't have to feel stupid because of it. As long as there is life we can turn mistakes into gold, so to speak...and that is looking at it in a positive way....right now, you might kicking yourself, looking back and feeling a lot of regret....but hang in there....regret can be dealt with too, just like all the othe.r issues that may come up. It's not a good feeling; regret. I sure don't care for it when I feel that way, but I came to a point in which I realized I could hang on to regret or let it go. My choice. My choice to let go of regret was empowering and made me feel liberated too. I did not realize how much I was keeping myself hostage.
Were you just a 'blip'? I seriously doubt that!
I spent a big part of my relationship with my AXbf wishing he would change, fantasizing about how "perfect" our relationship was if it weren't for his addictions, trying talking myself into detaching my feelings and just suck it up and push my feelings under the rug (this created only resentment and unhappiness and eventually all that resentment comes up to the surface and you explode), I talked myself into "well if you can't change him, join him" and drank, used cocaine, went gambling with him (I was never a chemical addict so that quickly turned into more resentment). I finally had to break up with him for good (aside from all the other attempted break ups I've had with him). After that, it felt like a huge relief. A huge weight has been lifted and I felt freed. But of course without working on my disease (codependency), I quickly fell into another relationship...with another alcoholic (my now husband). And the cycle repeats itself. I am now well aware of what codependency means and trying to work on myself because how can one truly have that fairy tale marriage (kids, dog, white picket fence and 'perfect' husband) when you (the codependent) keeps on sabotaging every chance for that. It's been 10 years since mi broke up with my AXBf and his lifestyle is still the same (probably worse because alcohol and drug addiction is progressive) - if I still stayed, that would have been 10 added years I wouldn't have gotten back.
Expanding, I understand where you're coming from. I'm not sure I ever really loved my wife, even in the beginning - I think I was trying to help her, save her, rescue her, but not really love her. I'm pretty sure I don't now. Pity, yes - but not love. Any of that died a while ago. I, like you, was in love with the idea of love and what I thought that meant.
Sorry for what you're going through.
Sorry for what you're going through.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)