mtn2sea

Why do I keep fooling myself? Two liquor bottles in the vehicle. I can tell right away when he's been drinking liquor. He's hiding it and making me feel like the crazy irrational one. I'm pretty sure I have PTSD. I keep repeating that I am powerless and that my life is unmanageable but in all honesty I want to believe that he will change. I don't want my children to go through a divorce. He's been getting increasingly angry and violent. My sons see this. I feel like such a loser.

AnvilheadII

I keep repeating that I am powerless and that my life is unmanageable but in all honesty I want to believe that he will change

not quite the way it works, nor the way the steps are written....

Step #. Came to believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves could restore US to sanity.

not restore HIM to sanity....

so that means you have to look at what you have here - a spouse/father with a bad enough drinking problem to keep the empties in the car. that is REAL. and if YOU were driving the car and got pulled over and one of the empties rolled out from under the seat, the cops are not going to believe the "but it's not MINE officer" defense.

you are not crazy. but you are living IN a crazy situation. and no one is thriving or benefiting. you will need to make changes if you want your life to change. if he is now getting violent, please contact your local DV office. the longer you stay once they become abusive, the harder it is to get away, and to do so safely.

mylifeismine

Living with an active alcoholic will make you feel crazy as it creates an environment which does not allow you to feel emotionally, mentally, or in your case, physically safe. Instead, it makes you give all your attention and energy to the alcoholic to try and make things better, then you & kids are walking on eggshells, afraid to "set him off" while the whole time he is just looking for some stupid reason to act out, get angry, and do the thing his whole world revolves around, drinking.

This website can help you change your situation, help you educate yourself about alcohol addiction and codependency. There much to learn about it that will benefit you beyond your wildest dreams. You must get to al anon meetings as soon as you can. These are the ways to lift the denial and stop "fooling" yourself.

Please take care of yourself, it is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your sons so they do not grow to disrespect you and believe that it is ok to treat all women badly.

Berrybean

Being exposed to an angry and violent parent and watching their mum put up with being lied to and treated badly will do much more damage than a divorce followed by a settled life with one happy parent in my humble opinion.

firebolt

I am sorry you are going through it - we know the misery!

It sounds like the choices you have for them are:

1 - go through a divorce, or
2 - grow up with anger and violence

The fist seems far less damaging to me, especially over the long haul.

Please don't feel like a loser. We do the best we can with what we have, and these things take time. Stick around here, get your bearings, work on taking care of yourself. Find some PEACE in the middle of it all. The rest will fall into place.

(((HUGS))))

jada1981

I'm sorry that you find yourself here. I personally know how it feels to be lied to and find empty bottles. How old are you children? For years, I stayed because I didn't want to break my family up, until I realized that my children are better off with a healthy, non-depressed and happy mother (me.) If you are not healthy and happy, you cannot be a good mother to your kids. Please think about that.

Stick around, read as much as you can and keep posting. Life CAN get better...you just have to work on changing what you can control, and unfortunately, that does not include the alcoholic.

dandylion

mtn2sea.....I, also, want say that staying in an environment where there is arguing, violence and tension is much more damaging to children...lasting damage....than divorce....
Kids adjust to divorce if they have at least one stable and nurturing environment and a parent that shows love.....

Here on SR, we have a forum for "Adult Children of Alcoholics"......you might want to do some reading of the real life stories on there---so many say that they wish that someone had gotten them o ut of that situation......they resent the person that kept them in the alcoholic house than the actual alcoholic, in some ways.......

Are the children the only thing that is holding you back?

I fervently hope that yo
u will continue to post here and keep reading and learning from the site.....
You do have other options.....and, you are not al one in this!!

dandylion

atalose

Sadly many of the people I know who grow up in alcoholic homes resented the non-drinking parent more than the alcoholic, for keeping them in that situation instead of removing them from it.

Maybe do a lot of research on the impacts to children growing up in an alcoholic home, get some facts to wrap your mind around. Find an al-anon meeting in your area, keep posting here.

amy55

First off, you are not a loser. You are seeing things that are making you quite uncomfortable and you are starting to question things.

I'm going to assume that this didn't just start and you have been in this situation for awhile. (I was diagnosed with c-PTSD from my marriage).

I think sometimes when we think that we are powerless and our lives are unmanageable, we kinda fall into what we can do better to repair things. We aren't thinking that we didn't cause this, we can't control this, and we can't cure this. So I think sometimes we need to get out of our own spiral that is pulling us down to the abyss.

I lived with my ex for 25 yrs, and I do know how I just got sucked up in the hopelessness of it all.

There are many people here for you to talk to. I remember, what I was afraid of the most. I was afraid to talk to people about what I was going through. I thought, no one would believe me. I think sometimes that is true, my family didn't believe me. My ex always showed his good side there, but I found friends, and I found forums, and I was actually able to talk there without people invalidating me. Yes, I do sometimes think, we need validation. I think without that, a lot of the times, we think we are crazy.

Thank you for posting here. I really appreciate that. Please continue to post here, you did find family and friends here.

Just also wanted to mention the national hotline for DV is 1-800-799-SAFE.

Alcoholism and abuse really are 2 separate things.

Just want to welcome you, and give you
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

Recovering2

The first thing we learn in AlAnon is the 3 "C"s....we didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. You have NO control over whether he changes or not. But you DO have control over what you do to protect you and your children. I understand the fear of divorce, but like others have offered...go to the Adult Children of Alcoholics on here and read what it does to kids who grow up in the chaos of this disease. You don't have to make any decisions today. You have done the first right step...you reached out on this forum. Learn all you can about this disease, find an AlAnon group near you, post on here often and read other posts. You will figure out what to do. I am grateful you posted, and wish you peace.

BBQBOY

Have you talked with him about his behavior? Tell him how his drinking is affecting the family as a whole. How it is affecting you. Have you asked him to get help? Sometimes the A needs to hear from a loved one, the damage which is being done. Best Wishes

mtn2sea

Yes, I have. I believe that he feels ashamed, but seems powerless to stop drinking whiskey. He's tried to quit before. He doesn't apologize for behavior. Instead of apologizing he does nice thing to make up for his ridiculous behavior. Most of the time he just belittle me. I've decided to attend a meeting.

AnvilheadII

good for you on seeking out meetings. hope that happens soon! it's time to take care of you.....you are suffering thru an abusive alcoholic partner, and that wears you down. and is hell on the children.