ladyvein

How to start.. I'm new to not only this site but the thinking processee of a spouse that has an ah.

A little back story, my husband and I have been together for 11 years and are coming up on our second wedding anniversary this month. For the first few years we partied together a lot and then I decided to go to school. My drinking tapered off and his stayed about the same until we got married. For the last few months his drinking increased and he started hiding things from me.

He recieved a DUI for almost triple the limit last month. He immediately put himself in aa and hasn't had a drink since.

I did not judge him for the DUI and have stood by his side supporting him as he startes this recovery process. I encourage him to go to his meetings and have offered to go with.However, now he doesn't really speak to me and has completely withdrawn. I started doing research and found a lot of sites that say aa advocates divorce and remarriage to aa members. I thought I was just freakin myself out for no reason until i looked at the highlighted passages in that "big book".

Is this what I am to expect from a support group? That they will make our lives together seem like it was the cause of his drinking and that I am worthless for not being a member? I would think a support group would try to keep families together along with the steps.. Am I wrong in this?

NYCDoglvr

Woaaaaa. I've been going to AA for 24 years and have never heard anyone suggest divorce. In fact, it is suggested that newcomers not make any major changes in their first year. I have no way of knowing whats going on with your husband but I do know that early sobriety can be traumatic for some alcoholics. Any chance your husband would go to a rehab? Of course you can find websites that bash AA, if you're looking to do that.

This is a very tough period for any couple. Alanon, a program for people with an alcoholic spouse or loved one, would be a big help because you'll find support from others going through the similar experiences. A big hug.

honeypig

Yes. Absolutely. AA exists for the sole purpose of helping alcoholics get sober. They most certainly do NOT advocate "divorce and remarriage to AA members."

Can you find an open AA meeting in your area? That might help you understand what it's about. (Open means open to anyone who wishes to attend, not just A's. This will be specifically mentioned in the meeting listings.)

This will seem nuts to you, but I'm going to ask what you are doing for your own recovery. I see this is your first post here, so I'm guessing this whole idea might be new to you.

If you can take some time to read around the forum, making sure you don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, that's a good start. You also might find some help for yourself at Alanon or Celebrate Recovery.

I hope to see more posts from you in the future, lady!

AnvilheadII

I thought I was just freakin myself out for no reason until i looked at the highlighted passages in that "big book".

really curious exactly where you found a passage that seemed to indicate that AA's should divorce their spouses and remarry AA'rs? i've read the Big Book many times and never saw anything remotely close to that.

the ONLY purpose of AA is to help members get sober and stay sober. period. during meetings individuals share THEIR experience, but cross talk is not allowed, so no one can "recommend" actions to another.

i'm sorry your AH is withdrawn from you right now.....early recovery is a tricky time and people handle it all differently. what you see now at 30 days (?) sober might be totally different at 90 days or 365 days. and it's possible that getting married put him in a tailspin of sorts......its hard to say.

now would be a good time for you to see what help or support might be beneficial to you. no one lives with addiction without that affecting them. i'm glad you reached out to SR......we can't fix your marriage or your husband, but we can support you in your journey.

dandylion

ladyvein.....I also echo the words of the other posters.
AA does NOT advocate divorce......nor marriage to other aa members. They also do not advocate dating within the AA group.....
In fact there are separate male and female groups for those who are working the steps......

As honeypig suggested, you might want to go to a few open meetings....BUT, I do not recommend that you attend any meetings with him. Let him keep his recovery activities to himself....and, you go alone for your own edification.....

Like NYCDoglvr said....there are some websites that bash AA.... and they say lots of things that are total misinformation.
AA has nothing to hide. You are free to call AA and ask to speak to any volunteer or go to any open meetings yourself.
I am sorry that you have been misled by such misinformation......

dandylion

ladyvein

The passages I saw in that big book all seemed to point in that direction and I was just flipping through and browsing it.

I'm pretty sure that he would not be interested in doing a rehab, I think work helps a bit to take his mind off whatever mess is in it. He is also 20 days sober at this point and has attended 21 (soon to be 22) meetings in 20 days. I am extremely proud of him, and continue to support every effort he is making.

We both know that there will be bumps in the road and I expect probably some relapses, but again, he didn't shut down and shut me out until late last week and then seeing those passages really killed me.

I have looked into going to al anon, since Ah has started his program, but it doesn't seem to be nearly as prevalent as AA is for some reason? I also have no shame in admitting I don't think I am quite ready for a face to face group for anything right now. I find that his DUI was kinda my straw as far as keeping my own head together. I know I would turn into a sniveling idiot at the first kind word. The only time I don't seem to have problems right now is at work and in front of my ah or rh? I don't feel my mess of nonsense needs to make his current journey any more difficult than it already is.

ladyvein

Also, I know that nobody here can save my marriage - that is not what I am looking for tbh. I was just needing to be prepared as far as what to expect, and if this is all a normal part of the process.

My ah probably did not marry me of his own volition, but was probably pressured into it. So yeah the prospect of that leading to this mess makes it even worse for me, even if it is just the wind for the tailspin.

LexieCat

I think Al-Anon would be VERY helpful for you. It places the focus squarely on you and helps keep it OFF the alcoholic.

I, too, have no idea what you read that gave you the idea of AA's recommending divorce. One thing you need to know is that there are a few websites out there that seem to exist for the sole purpose of denigrating AA, and some of them appear to have zero scruples about completely misrepresenting what AA has to say about certain issues.

It sounds like your husband is off on the right foot. Whether it "sticks" for him or not is impossible to predict. It does sound like he's taking it seriously, though, and taking advice, which is a promising start.

It's not unusual for someone in early sobriety to be a bit withdrawn and preoccupied. It is a huge undertaking, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It may be a few months before he starts behaving more like "himself" (which still may be quite a bit different from what you're used to).

You will definitely benefit by pursuing your own program of recovery, though. And I wouldn't push to go to meetings with him--not just now, anyway. He needs to do this on his own and having a spouse/partner along can be uncomfortable in the beginning.

ETA: I DO, however, recommend finding some open AA meetings to go to BY YOURSELF. I think it will reassure you about what goes on at them, and be very enlightening about what he is dealing with. You don't need to tell him you're going (or that you've gone). Just do it for your own education and understanding. You will be welcome at any open AA meeting. You aren't expected to "share" anything at an AA meeting--and if it's a meeting where people take turns sharing, you can simply "pass"--in fact, it really should only be AA members who actually speak at meetings. If anyone asks, you're just there to listen and learn.

honeypig

You would not be the first, the last, or any kind of a rarity if you did, ladyvein. I think it is the rule rather than the exception. Most of us end up at Alanon when we are exhausted and at our wits' end from carrying the load alone for so long. No big surprise that tears often accompany the relief of finding out you don't have to carry all of that, all alone, any more.

TropicalWinter

I cried through my first AlAnon meeting. Many people do, and it's okay. I've never met a more kind, welcoming group of people.

Berrybean

I was pretty withdrawn in the first few months of my recovery too, and I think my partner had the same fears about thus strange place I was disappearing off to. But I honestly had so much new stuff on my mind, and getting used to life without booze left me feeling quite at a loss. I'd been with my partner for 23 years when I got sober, and up to then we'd always been drinking buddies, so this change was worrying for him. Two years later, I can honestly say that we get on better than we have done for years, although he misses having me out down the pub with him, and I stay out of his way when he's drunk. I love having my female friends in AA, as I'd never really been one for girly friends before. However, if I ever found that I'd split up with my partner, I can honestly say that the last thing I'd want is to complicate my recovery by getting a boyfriend who was also in AA.. I do know a few married couple in the rooms, who mostly tend to go to different meetings for whatever reason, but generally the message I've always be told is that men stick with the men, and women stick with the women, and that the rooms are for fellowship, NOT a dating agency. Most sponsors would bring their sponsee up sharp if they thought they were jeopardising their own, or someone else's recovery with that kind of attitude or behaviour. I even got raised eyebrows and a bit of a telling off for giving a friend (who me and my partner have both known for years and years) a lift home one time.

tbeit

I'm interested could you quote the parts of the BB that you're referring to. Ive read the book many times and cant think of what you could mean. Trust me that is not even close to what it means.

As for AA recommending that members marry each other its the complete opposite.

Now I'm not going to say that never happens but its almost always a huge mistake. Misery loves company.

I suggest you get your information from the AA site itself and stay away from sites set up by disgruntled former members and the like

20 days is very early sobriety. If he works the program gets a sponsor and does the steps he will come around. It takes time his body and mind are still healing. Good luck to the both of you

Yoga

A.A is not about breaking up marriages.

Which book did you find this in and on what pages are these suggestions?

I've been in A.A for 18 years and A.A does NOT encourage ANY major changes in the first year of any sort.

bluelily

Just a thought: why wouldn´t you have judged him for his DUI? Wouldn´t that be the healthy reaction, feeling and expressing anger for his irresponsibility? I sense some enabling here, and I understand why you did this but it has helped him maintain his addiction. If he doesn´t feel the effects of his drinking - like in this case, that he disappointed you - he will never find the motivation to stop.
I´m in no way judging you, I did many of these things myself, just pointing out something of your own behavior you could analyze and learn to change.

minime13

The best way for you to accomplish this is to take the steps suggested in this thread - check out a couple of open AA meetings if you need to ease your own mind, read their literature and read the book - just skimming isn't going to provide any clarity. Also, Al anon is a next great step for you to heal yourself.

2 people need healing in a relationship with an alcoholic. If he continues on his path to maintaining sobriety and healing himself, that is a wonderful thing. However, you'll be back at square one if you haven't taken the time to work on your own healing.

You owe it to yourself to use this time to work on yourself and your own healing. And your feelings aren't nonsense. It is the product of being close to an alcoholic.

NoelleR

Could you please tell me where to find these highlighted passages? I've been reading AA's BB for 30 years, and I don't recall seeing them.

Again, I ask, what passages are these? Perhaps it might be better to read the BB, starting on page 1, rather than just flipping through and browsing it.

(o:

(o:

hopeful4

I don't know what your faith is, but you may want to look into Celebrate Recovery which is a lot like AA/Alanon. You could go to part of it (large group) together, then break into small groups according to your need. Men go w/men, women with women. There are groups for chemical dependency, codependency, and at ours, everything under the sun.

I credit CR to a huge part of my own healing. They are fine people who I would not have made it without.

Glad you are here, keep posting!

(I have never heard of anyone going to AA and being encouraged to even make any life changing decisions right away, and certainly not encouraged to divorce. I do think a lot of marriages with addiction end in divorce b/c many addicts have a lot of other things going on as well besides addiction. The best thing to do is keep open communication in my opinion).