Ugh......why do I feel like this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Thanks for the replies. We have tried couples conuselling. I did not like it. I felt very attacked by that therapist. He was cast as the brave addict trying to get sober and all the problems were my fault because I was a codependent. I do have an individual therapist I have been seeing for quite some time. We do talk about him a good deal but its mostly about me and the changes I want to make. Like not thinking negatively all the time, not viewing the world as a scary unsafe place full of liars and people who are going to hurt me.
He does not go to AA. The 12 step model did not work for him. It didnt work for me in Al Anon either.......I have some serious misgivings about it but thats not for this forum. He does a pretty good job of taking care of himself, goes to the gym almost daily, he does a meditation practice each day. But he is a raging codie. I have heard him say before that he "has to be the strong one" for everyone else. Doing a better job setting boundaries with his family but does not go to therapy which je desperatley needs IMO. I cant make him go though. I know I was one too but I have worked on that a lot in therapy. I still have my moments but I am less co dependent and I am really aware of the behavior now. It drives me insane when he does it. I dont really know if I still love him or not. Sometimes I feel like I do. Other times I dont. My best friend is splitting up with her husband. She was unhappy for a really long time and mentioned to me how she KNEW she was unhappy but was SO scared to take the leap she stayed with him for years. I have been unhappy for a long time. I have found writings in my jpirnal from like 2008 when the drinking first started to get nad about how unhappy I was. I always stayed then out of fear of what other people would think about me if the truth of his drinking came out. Now some of why I stay is fear of being alone, fear of what people will think of me for "abandoning" him now that hes sober. Theres also this real strong feeling that I would be a failure and the last 15 years would be a waste. I also dont want to hurt him. He does NOT want us to break up. He still loves me. I do care aboit him a great deal. He is probably tje closest person in my life. He knows everything, all my darkest secrets and hasnt run so.........idk its exhausting.
He does not go to AA. The 12 step model did not work for him. It didnt work for me in Al Anon either.......I have some serious misgivings about it but thats not for this forum. He does a pretty good job of taking care of himself, goes to the gym almost daily, he does a meditation practice each day. But he is a raging codie. I have heard him say before that he "has to be the strong one" for everyone else. Doing a better job setting boundaries with his family but does not go to therapy which je desperatley needs IMO. I cant make him go though. I know I was one too but I have worked on that a lot in therapy. I still have my moments but I am less co dependent and I am really aware of the behavior now. It drives me insane when he does it. I dont really know if I still love him or not. Sometimes I feel like I do. Other times I dont. My best friend is splitting up with her husband. She was unhappy for a really long time and mentioned to me how she KNEW she was unhappy but was SO scared to take the leap she stayed with him for years. I have been unhappy for a long time. I have found writings in my jpirnal from like 2008 when the drinking first started to get nad about how unhappy I was. I always stayed then out of fear of what other people would think about me if the truth of his drinking came out. Now some of why I stay is fear of being alone, fear of what people will think of me for "abandoning" him now that hes sober. Theres also this real strong feeling that I would be a failure and the last 15 years would be a waste. I also dont want to hurt him. He does NOT want us to break up. He still loves me. I do care aboit him a great deal. He is probably tje closest person in my life. He knows everything, all my darkest secrets and hasnt run so.........idk its exhausting.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Truthfully on your description I don't see much of anything that exemplifies a healthy relationship. He sounds to be more like an annoying fly than a husband. This is not good.
I don't put all the blame on him. Some people just end up not being compatible. In some ways your relationship sounded more functional when he was drunk and leaving you alone.
Does he work? It sounds like he has an awful lot of play time by your description of his days.
I don't put all the blame on him. Some people just end up not being compatible. In some ways your relationship sounded more functional when he was drunk and leaving you alone.
Does he work? It sounds like he has an awful lot of play time by your description of his days.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TerpGal.....for sure, you can't control him...you can't force him to get therapy or an alcoholism program if he doesn't want it. He would only resent you, in the end...
People are who they are....and, will only change if they decide they want to.
I consider that leaving a person in the desert without water or transportation or telephone to be "abandonment".
Did he quit drinking to get you to stay with him?. Was the unspoken promise that you would stay with him if he would stop drinking?
His happiness is not your responsibility. Just like your happiness is not his responsibility. each person is responsible for finding their own happiness in this world.
Have you ever heard o f the casino theory? It is when a person can't walk away from the slot machine because they have already spent so much that they have to justify their loss by continuing to play....
I would not co nsider a p erson a "failure" just because they did not stay in an unhappy situation. It could be more of a failure to one's own self not to honor their own happiness.
Do you look at other people and consider them a failure because they left an unhappy marriage? I think it is true that lots of cultures still put that burden on people. It can be a social stigma for some.....if they are willing to buy into it....
Change is scary for most people. And, we do get very comfortable with what is familiar. We all have our comfort zones......
I am so sad to think that you grew to be negative and view the world as a place full of liars and people who are going to hurt you.....there must have been some pain in your past (even before your husband)?
I am not trying to tell you what to do....
Just trying to give you some fodder for your to ponder on...
I hope some of it is helpful.....
dandylion
People are who they are....and, will only change if they decide they want to.
I consider that leaving a person in the desert without water or transportation or telephone to be "abandonment".
Did he quit drinking to get you to stay with him?. Was the unspoken promise that you would stay with him if he would stop drinking?
His happiness is not your responsibility. Just like your happiness is not his responsibility. each person is responsible for finding their own happiness in this world.
Have you ever heard o f the casino theory? It is when a person can't walk away from the slot machine because they have already spent so much that they have to justify their loss by continuing to play....
I would not co nsider a p erson a "failure" just because they did not stay in an unhappy situation. It could be more of a failure to one's own self not to honor their own happiness.
Do you look at other people and consider them a failure because they left an unhappy marriage? I think it is true that lots of cultures still put that burden on people. It can be a social stigma for some.....if they are willing to buy into it....
Change is scary for most people. And, we do get very comfortable with what is familiar. We all have our comfort zones......
I am so sad to think that you grew to be negative and view the world as a place full of liars and people who are going to hurt you.....there must have been some pain in your past (even before your husband)?
I am not trying to tell you what to do....
Just trying to give you some fodder for your to ponder on...
I hope some of it is helpful.....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I went through the same thought processes you did. Relationships end not only because one of the partners "failed"--sometimes people ultimately realize they just plain don't belong together forever. That can be due to their growing in different directions, drastic life changes that alter the dynamics of the relationship, or simply having made a mistake about the how life would be over the long term with the other person. None of it makes someone a "failure" or a bad person--either one of you.
When I told my husband I was leaving he was (understandably) very angry and hurt. In his shoes I would have felt the same way. For a brief period he was convinced I was having an affair (I wasn't, but was developing a strong emotional attraction for someone else--nothing ever came of it, but it was still something I had to take seriously). Over time--and with the help of a therapist he saw on his own--he processed it and we were able to split without bitterness and remain good friends to this day. No guarantees it would work out that way for someone else--it completely depends on the people involved and what's best for them.
Anyway, I understand your feelings. I'm still glad for my relationship with him--then and now. I'm glad we had kids together. But I'm glad we didn't force a relationship that really wasn't something that fit us any longer.
When I told my husband I was leaving he was (understandably) very angry and hurt. In his shoes I would have felt the same way. For a brief period he was convinced I was having an affair (I wasn't, but was developing a strong emotional attraction for someone else--nothing ever came of it, but it was still something I had to take seriously). Over time--and with the help of a therapist he saw on his own--he processed it and we were able to split without bitterness and remain good friends to this day. No guarantees it would work out that way for someone else--it completely depends on the people involved and what's best for them.
Anyway, I understand your feelings. I'm still glad for my relationship with him--then and now. I'm glad we had kids together. But I'm glad we didn't force a relationship that really wasn't something that fit us any longer.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
My Mom (my best friend may she RIP) married my Dad in 1952 at age 19. She went from her parents' care to his. She was a very strong individual in an era where she "couldn't" really express it as a woman can today. He died in 2002 and she got in 8 years of freedom before she passed. How much freedom would you like to have?
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