Keep slipping into negative thought patterns
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Hi, Expanding--I think you might like to see this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...akes-time.html
And this article might be helpful too:
Part 1: https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
Part 2: https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
I also want to pass on a thought I got from another member here just yesterday: "Did you ever go on a diet for 2 days and lose 10 pounds? Nope, me either..." It is going to take TIME to grieve the end of this relationship. Just b/c you don't feel better right now doesn't mean it was the wrong thing to do. Anothere nugget of wisdom from an SR member that really hit home for me is this one: "I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again."
So keep busy, reach out to other people rather than isolating, make sure you have uplifting reading material on hand. Think of something you used to like to do but haven't done for a while and do it. Think of something you always wanted to do but never did and do it (for me, this was something as simple as a trip to a planetarium!)
Read this thread for further inspiration:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
And little by little, you'll see that YOU are still here, shining bright, regardless of who or what is or isn't in your life. You're going to make it.
And this article might be helpful too:
Part 1: https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
Part 2: https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
I also want to pass on a thought I got from another member here just yesterday: "Did you ever go on a diet for 2 days and lose 10 pounds? Nope, me either..." It is going to take TIME to grieve the end of this relationship. Just b/c you don't feel better right now doesn't mean it was the wrong thing to do. Anothere nugget of wisdom from an SR member that really hit home for me is this one: "I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again."
So keep busy, reach out to other people rather than isolating, make sure you have uplifting reading material on hand. Think of something you used to like to do but haven't done for a while and do it. Think of something you always wanted to do but never did and do it (for me, this was something as simple as a trip to a planetarium!)
Read this thread for further inspiration:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
And little by little, you'll see that YOU are still here, shining bright, regardless of who or what is or isn't in your life. You're going to make it.
Wow, wow, wow... thank for you the link to those articles. I am printing them out and keeping them within sight! They are really speaking to me
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you will also probably back to MAD within the next 36 hours.....then maybe even find yourself checking out a dating site, just cuz.....and then back to SAD and so on.
no one emotion is wrong or last's forever. try your best to just ALLOW the feelings to flow....
no one emotion is wrong or last's forever. try your best to just ALLOW the feelings to flow....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Cycling through these emotions is hard! When I have a good day I try to hold on to it for as long as I can because it does feel really, really good. And that's when I know I'm thinking clearly and this is for the best.i feel being mad kicks me forward a few notches on my good days because I think of everything that happened and write it down lol
I am not dating for AT LEAST a year. Probably two. I do NOT want to attract another narcissistic/selfish drinker into my life. I used to go on dating sites and had many conversations but I was so paranoid that they would be like my ex that I couldn't let go or have fun.
I need to make sure I am healthy and in a good spot, loving my life before I let anyone else into it. I see now why jumping from relationship to relationship isn't recommended. There is sooo much to learn and just as much to heal
I am not dating for AT LEAST a year. Probably two. I do NOT want to attract another narcissistic/selfish drinker into my life. I used to go on dating sites and had many conversations but I was so paranoid that they would be like my ex that I couldn't let go or have fun.
I need to make sure I am healthy and in a good spot, loving my life before I let anyone else into it. I see now why jumping from relationship to relationship isn't recommended. There is sooo much to learn and just as much to heal
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Big Hugs to you!!!
I'm so sorry you're hurting.
I found this a while back, and I really liked it... thought I'd share with you.
Take good care!
When a relationship of some length is over, it feels like death.
Except it feels worse than death because the person you no longer love but you still love is living -- but the relationship itself is dead.
There are no words to magically take away the hurt or the sadness or the pain of this most brutal ending: the ending of a love.
But there is one thing that I discovered along the way that can at least envelop you in comfort as you find ways to nurse your wounds and carry on. And that is faith.
I don't look at faith as something religious. I look at faith as a belief in the strength that has carried me along this far, and the faith that will carry both of us even farther tomorrow. I look at faith as a quiet knowledge inside of us that we won't give those who doubt us or put us down or question our dreams and desire the pleasure of seeing us falter. We are stronger than that. We are so ******* strong.
I look at faith as a small burner light inside, and when I visualize it, it grows larger than you could ever imagine.
I look at faith as the warmth of loving flesh pressed sweetly against us from friends, from family, from pets, from children, who remind us how small a part of the equation romance plays in a lifetime filled with love.
I want you to know how much I honor and respect and bear witness to your pain. Because I do. And I am here for you, always, as so many other people who love you are here for you, and will stay here for you, no matter what.
We will never, ever break up with you. We love you. You are love. You are loved.
Please know that part of my honoring your pain is telling you about this beautiful faith I see flowering inside you -- even though right now you may not. You see, I look at you, and I see you so clearly. I see you without the band of critics and regrets and fears and anxieties that might be jabbering away inside your brain, and without the seeping wound of grief that may be confusing your own sense of self.
I just see you. And you are extraordinary. You are what inspires faith in me.
Please know that I mean what I am about to say from the bottom of my heart.
My dear beautiful friend, you are doing everything right. You are whole even when you feel like you might be broken. Especially when you feel like you might be broken. You are perfect even when you feel like you are defective. You are so very lovable, and you are so, so valuable to me.
Don't believe me? Let me give you some examples of how wonderfully you are doing, my sweet friend.
Does your day feel like a fog sometimes and the tears start when you least expect them, like when someone says something tenderly to you? Because you are doing that perfectly.
Do you want to curl up into a ball and hold your phone like a blanket and call your mom and ask her to just listen? You are doing that perfectly, too.
Do you want to keep bringing up the possibility with your ex and your friends and yourself of maybe still trying to make it work, and what was the moment it ended, and who is the most to blame -- and maybe something gets thrown and a vase gets broken? Yep. You definitely did that perfect. You ******* nailed it.
Because right now, all you have to do is breathe, lay your hands on your heart, breathe out pain, breathe in love and accept it all.
Carrying around the weight of shame, and piling on further judgment of all your feelings and actions, is helping no one. "Why am I so sad?" "Why can't I get over it more quickly?" "Why, why, why?"
Do you know what shame stands for? "Should Have Already Mastered Everything." Let that glide around and melt on your tongue a bit.
You couldn't have mastered everything. Your ex couldn't have either. That's the maddening and wonderful part of being human.
Here's another truism someone told me once, and I've never forgotten it.
"What if you were to look at the pain and the joy of life as being equally exquisite, but just opposite ends of the spectrum -- and to view it objectively, without judgment, you might actually see the beauty in them both?"
I'm so sorry you're hurting.
I found this a while back, and I really liked it... thought I'd share with you.
Take good care!
When a relationship of some length is over, it feels like death.
Except it feels worse than death because the person you no longer love but you still love is living -- but the relationship itself is dead.
There are no words to magically take away the hurt or the sadness or the pain of this most brutal ending: the ending of a love.
But there is one thing that I discovered along the way that can at least envelop you in comfort as you find ways to nurse your wounds and carry on. And that is faith.
I don't look at faith as something religious. I look at faith as a belief in the strength that has carried me along this far, and the faith that will carry both of us even farther tomorrow. I look at faith as a quiet knowledge inside of us that we won't give those who doubt us or put us down or question our dreams and desire the pleasure of seeing us falter. We are stronger than that. We are so ******* strong.
I look at faith as a small burner light inside, and when I visualize it, it grows larger than you could ever imagine.
I look at faith as the warmth of loving flesh pressed sweetly against us from friends, from family, from pets, from children, who remind us how small a part of the equation romance plays in a lifetime filled with love.
I want you to know how much I honor and respect and bear witness to your pain. Because I do. And I am here for you, always, as so many other people who love you are here for you, and will stay here for you, no matter what.
We will never, ever break up with you. We love you. You are love. You are loved.
Please know that part of my honoring your pain is telling you about this beautiful faith I see flowering inside you -- even though right now you may not. You see, I look at you, and I see you so clearly. I see you without the band of critics and regrets and fears and anxieties that might be jabbering away inside your brain, and without the seeping wound of grief that may be confusing your own sense of self.
I just see you. And you are extraordinary. You are what inspires faith in me.
Please know that I mean what I am about to say from the bottom of my heart.
My dear beautiful friend, you are doing everything right. You are whole even when you feel like you might be broken. Especially when you feel like you might be broken. You are perfect even when you feel like you are defective. You are so very lovable, and you are so, so valuable to me.
Don't believe me? Let me give you some examples of how wonderfully you are doing, my sweet friend.
Does your day feel like a fog sometimes and the tears start when you least expect them, like when someone says something tenderly to you? Because you are doing that perfectly.
Do you want to curl up into a ball and hold your phone like a blanket and call your mom and ask her to just listen? You are doing that perfectly, too.
Do you want to keep bringing up the possibility with your ex and your friends and yourself of maybe still trying to make it work, and what was the moment it ended, and who is the most to blame -- and maybe something gets thrown and a vase gets broken? Yep. You definitely did that perfect. You ******* nailed it.
Because right now, all you have to do is breathe, lay your hands on your heart, breathe out pain, breathe in love and accept it all.
Carrying around the weight of shame, and piling on further judgment of all your feelings and actions, is helping no one. "Why am I so sad?" "Why can't I get over it more quickly?" "Why, why, why?"
Do you know what shame stands for? "Should Have Already Mastered Everything." Let that glide around and melt on your tongue a bit.
You couldn't have mastered everything. Your ex couldn't have either. That's the maddening and wonderful part of being human.
Here's another truism someone told me once, and I've never forgotten it.
"What if you were to look at the pain and the joy of life as being equally exquisite, but just opposite ends of the spectrum -- and to view it objectively, without judgment, you might actually see the beauty in them both?"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
I have been reading the thread on success stories over and over and over...
Thank you for sharing. It is such an eye opener. Just as I think they're as open they can get they open more! It does get easier. You gain more confidence and self respect. You forgive yourself for doing what you've done because you realize it was all you knew. You gain such perspective and you can never go back! Moving forward is such a gift. What happened, happened and the only thing I can do now is learn from it and go forward. I no longer accept all the blame he has put on my shoulders.
Thank you for sharing. It is such an eye opener. Just as I think they're as open they can get they open more! It does get easier. You gain more confidence and self respect. You forgive yourself for doing what you've done because you realize it was all you knew. You gain such perspective and you can never go back! Moving forward is such a gift. What happened, happened and the only thing I can do now is learn from it and go forward. I no longer accept all the blame he has put on my shoulders.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Expanding, I read here that "recovery is being asked to give up everything you know in order to get something that you don't understand yet." For me, that has certainly been true. My life has improved in ways I simply couldn't have imagined b/c I had never experienced them before.
I'm so glad that you've found help here at SR. Like they say at Alanon, "keep coming back." The reason they say that? B/c like you said, "Just as I think my eyes are as open they can get they open more!"
Mine are still in the process of opening too.
I'm so glad that you've found help here at SR. Like they say at Alanon, "keep coming back." The reason they say that? B/c like you said, "Just as I think my eyes are as open they can get they open more!"
Mine are still in the process of opening too.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 27
Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'm bracing myself for the same reaction to a possible break up myself. Im already having obsessive thoughts about how I will feel and think once it happens so I certainly understand how hard this must be for you. All I can really offer is that in my experience, the quickest way to heal is to let yourself feel the pain, walk through it, keep on living and one day you wake up and realize that it doesn't hurt as bad anymore. That's really the light that I set out to see half way through the tunnel. xoxo
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
The way I stop repetitive negative thinking is to get out and get busy. It helps to talk to someone about the thoughts, bringing them into the light often helps me see how wrong they are. And I must stop isolating and "change the channel" by getting to Alanon meetings, fast walking and, best of all, being of service to someone else.
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