lizatola

My ex has been bullying me and I'm getting tired of it. He's refusing to pay for our son's special ed private school for next year after having paid for it for the past 3 years. He said he's not going to pay for child support after our son turns 18 in November and won't finish paying through the school year. He has no interest in what is best for our son, only in his poor pity party and in seeking revenge on me for leaving him.

I am currently looking for a lawyer. I did send an email to him last night telling him that we can discuss our financial situations and readdress the child support and all he said was that he welcomed the threat, that I can't milk a dead cow, and that he isn't making his commissions, and that I will probably wind up owing him child support. ARGH.....

I can't decide if the cost of fighting it out is worth it. I don't have money to play around with right now, especially if I have to pay for my son's schooling, which will be a serious hit to my savings if my ex doesn't help. I'm so frustrated and tired of him. I'm tired of his goading me on, his long winded emails, his blaming, excuses, pity parties.....I could go on.....but I'll spare you all, lol.

Wisconsin

I'm so sorry to hear this, Liz. I do think you are right to at least reach out to a lawyer. Then you can get an idea of what you're up against, how expensive it may turn out to be, etc. Try to take it one step at a time in your head, and hopefully you can avoid feeling too overwhelmed.

AnvilheadII

i totally get your reasoning....but if he turns 18 in November....and school goes thru June (?), will you even get in front of a judge by then????

isn't going to court exactly what the EX wants....? more drama? more of your focus on HIM? more interaction, even tho its negative? and more expenses for YOU?

yes there is "right and wrong" but there is also that precious commodity called Peace of MIND. plus he may just be bluffing.....blustering.....TRYING to get a rise out of you.

don't let him, Liz.

Refiner

Oh Liz, this is just maddening! Do you think he's becoming a deadbeat on purpose and sabotaging his income to "get back" at you? Does your son just have one more year left of this particular school?

hopeful4

Liz, what is your court ordered agreement about child support? I know in the state which I live it's over at age 18 unless they are in school, then it becomes 21. I also have in my decree that child cannot change schools w/out the agreement of BOTH parents.

I hate to say, if your decree says it's over at age 18, I would not think there is much you can do about it? If it does not, can you not simply wait until he does not pay his obligation then file for contempt? It's my understanding you can do that ProSe pretty easily when it's for payment issues?

Just a couple of thoughts.....

Hugs. Many hugs.

lizatola

well, my son's school costs around 20K a year. I told them that my ex won't pay his half mainly because I neglected to put it in the divorce decree. I think I was just blind and just wanted the divorce to be over with so fast that I let things slide and didn't think far enough ahead into the future. I told the school that I would be willing to put 16K towards school and I'll have my son apply for scholarships and try to drum up tax credits from friends who can donate to his school as a state tax deduction. Every few hundred dollars will help, you know?

I did NOT tell my ex that I was going to put a specific dollar amount towards schooling. And, yes, I think my ex is tanking at his job since he's in sales just to prove to me that he's suffering but his base salary is still twice the amount of my base so for him to say that I'll owe him child support is ridiculous. My son stays with me 70% of the time, I will still be paying rent to my bf for $1100 but my ex refinanced his mortgage down to $900.

He thrives on conflict, it's how he gets his energy and I knew that years ago and that's why I stayed in the marriage so long. I knew fighting him would be exhausting.

As for child support. He agreed, per the divorce decree, to pay until our son graduated from high school in May of 2017. He wants to get the courts to let him off the hook in November which I know won't hold water, unless he truly is suffering a financial hardship greater than mine.

If it wasn't for the schooling, I wouldn't bother with him. Currently, I let him write me a check for support and most months it comes late and I just let it slide. I am ready to go to the courts and file for wage garnishment.

Honestly, I'm tired of bending over backwards and being the better person here. I'm tired of his bullying. I gave up my rights to his freaking pension and he's still not grateful for what I saved him. I wonder if I can go back to the courts and try to get a hold of that, too? Not that I want to work this hard or fight him anymore, but I'm really tired of his victim martyr crap and I'm tired of him complaining to our son about what a cheating witch I am. Mainly, because I never cheated on him and mainly because I think I've extended grace to him when I didn't have to.......I'm feeling just a wee bit bitter and angry right now and need to go do some yoga, lol!

redatlanta

I'm unsure you can do anything about the school situation if its not in your decree

He can't do anything about child support he agreed till end of school year. He could modify - not sure he would do that. Hold him in contempt if he stops payment.

I think best is to go see your atty and discuss if its worth it. It is possible if he has lost income he could end up with a modification of support in his favor.

I gave up my rights to his freaking pension and he's still not grateful for what I saved him

Because he never felt you had any right to it in the first place. For those going through divorce do NOT give up what you are entitled to, you earned it.

AdelineRose

I'm sorry you are going through this, I would talk to a lawyer and get a free consultation to see how much it would cost and what can be done.

Sometimes the age limit on child support gets extended if the child is special needs. I don't know your sons background or if there was anything put in the decree about that. Also, there are statutes to protect someone from an ex spouse from purposely lowering their income to screw you. For example if he just quits his job and takes a job that is 8 an hour, the judge can still make him pay the same amount he always was because HE CHOSE to change jobs.

People are so vindictive and take advantage. Getting a free consultation from a lawyer won't hurt you, and you might find out you have many options.

amy55

Most states give child support till the age of 18. Some go into college years.

You already signed an agreement that the child support would terminate at the age of 18 or when the school year ended.

I would not waste my money taking him back to court unless if he misses any child support payments. I would be looking at filling out FAFSA applications. Your son lives with you the majority of the time, so they would be looking at your income for this.

I hate ex's and father wanta be's that can't even take care of or help their own children. Those people have a lot of hate inside of them, and there isn't anything you can do about it sometimes.

Need to look at your state laws for college for child support, but in most states it's not a given.

((((((hugs)))))))
amy

LexieCat

In NJ, where I live, divorced parents HAVE to pay support and college expenses--sometimes even through graduate school! (Which I personally think is ridiculous, but whatever.) The point is, you need to at least consult a lawyer to find out whether you have a worthwhile argument that will hold up. I'd make that your first step.

Liveitwell

Liz-just sending you hugs. It's amazing how selfish these guys are, isn't it?! I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I agree with others that consulting a lawyer is best.
Peace to you tonight!

lizatola

I have a consult with a lawyer on Thursday. I'll know more about my state laws, etc hopefully and what I missed putting in my divorce decree, etc.

hopeful4

I would say if it's in the decree he will pay for school, my guess is he will have to. As far as going back and changing property settlements, I am told that it is very very hard to do that unless there were assets not disclosed or debts not disclosed during divorce. That's just what I've been told in my state.

I understand. I left things out of my decree that I wish I could change now. I too let child support be late, etc, just to keep the peace. I get you. And I get that it gets old. They never appreciate anything and only complain all the time.

Hugs to you my friend. I get you.

lizatola

I'm consulting with a lawyer to make sure my son is taken care of by BOTH his parents. I know my ex, I'm sure he's loving this and eating it up, but I want what's best for my son and I can't afford it on my own. I figure a consult with a lawyer or a well written letter from one may help my ex figure out that his bullying needs to stop. I know he won't want to go to court because he's afraid they'll pull up the DUI and use it against him and he hates lawyers in general. I may have to back down, but for now, I'm going to press him and make sure he knows I mean business. We will always be his parents and there's possible college and other expenses coming our way. The sooner I stand up for myself, the sooner MAYBE I can get some respect.

theuncertainty

I think it's great that you're talking with a lawyer to see what can be done. I probably need to, but I'm personally struggling with the thought of whether or not it'd stand any chance of changing any part of AXH's behavior...

Can I gently point out that with this:

it sounds like you might be looking for bread at a hardware store - to kind of reuse that phrase? Are you expecting your ex to respect you for standing up for your son, which in this case, means standing up to him (your ex)? Even if your ex were to start pulling his share of the weight financially, it wouldn't necessarily mean he respects you. It could simply mean he's only afraid of what the courts will do if he continues to misbehave.

Or were you meaning that once you stand up for yourself and your son, it'd be easier for you to respect that you'd done all you could for your son?

LexieCat

I also think that the COURT respects parents who assert their rights (in an appropriate way) early, and as often as is reasonable/necessary. Some people are just plain litigious and love to drag their ex back to court at every opportunity (some of these are people who are NOT alcoholics or abusers--they are just plain angry (often without good reason) and are the same kinds of people who would sue over other frivolous stuff).

HOWEVER, courts also look askance at people who "sleep on their rights"--doing nothing to enforce them for years and years and then explode in a conflagration of litigation. So taking someone to court every time they drop off/pick up the child five minutes late is annoying to them, but so too the litigant who has tolerated violations over and over for a long time and suddenly seeks to enforce an order.

If a lawyer says you don't have a legal leg to stand on, then you have to go to Plan B. But if you DO have a case, then you have to weigh the cost of fighting over it (economic and otherwise) vs. your likelihood of winning and how important the issue is to you (and your son). These issues are rarely no-brainers, but you can't even begin to decide till you know where you stand.

lizatola

So, I met with the lawyer. He told me I should write an appeal to have the support adjusted. We reviewed the old docs where my child support was calculated and we worked a bunch of numbers all different directions and he basically told me that the judge would act in my favor. He told me that if I wanted to retain his services he could write the request, but he said that I really don't need his help at first. He was very helpful and said I could bounce any questions off of him later and that he would review my docs for no cost before I deliver them to the courts.

So, now I'm trying to put everything together: tuition docs, the bullying emails, past tax statements, etc.

On a much more positive note: my bf and I just got back from an unbelievable backpacking trip to Havasupai Falls. One of the most remote areas of the United States in the sovereign Supai Indian nation where there are beautiful waterfalls with aquamarine colored water surrounded by red rocks. Absolutely stunning and well worth the 22 miles round trip hike!!!!! Such a great experience, and so grateful we created a beautiful memory together.

redatlanta

Sounds great!!! Glad it looks like you should prevail.

hopeful4

This is all great news!

That sounds like an amazing trip. Never even heard of it, but it sounds wonderful!

Refiner

I just Googled Havasupai Falls -- O.M.G. That looks UNBELIEVABLE! And I'm going to the Grand Canyon this summer -- GOTTA SEE THIS!!!!!