Been going on a long time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Bowling Green
Posts: 80
Been going on a long time
Our 37 year old son is an alcoholic who has been drinking off and on for a long time, ever since the age of 18. He has been through rehab twice. He has never really held a job long term and supported himself.
Additionally, he suffers from sever depression, anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks, and he is lazy and can be manipulative and entitled. He can be Oppositional too in a passive/ aggressive sort of way.
He recently took a job in a neighboring town and we helped him get settled into an apartment with a roommate to the tune of $3000. At one point I told him I would no longer pay for his Abilify, an antidepressant that he needs and his insurance won't cover it. I felt that he was 37 and should provide for himself even if it meant getting two jobs.
His job went mediocre, but they accepted him until he ran out of Abilify. At that point he was unable to function at work and he sat around in a daze. They put him on "leave" until he got straightened out, but by then, they had already filled his spot. They helped him get a similar job in a nearby city, but he wasn't right for that one. It was a home for delinquent, mean girls and he doesn't have the personality to deal with that.
During his early time at this job, he came back to town for a couple days at a time and was secretly drinking again. One night he came home stinking drunk and I took his key away and said he could not longer sleep at our house.
He lost the second job and had nowhere to go and became so severely depressed that he could hardly function. He walks around like a zombie in panic attack mode. We let him move back in temporarily, with some rules that he get a new psychiatrist and a counselor, find a part time job, and file for disability.
Yesterday he took the first steps in filing for disability, but he also called me an told me it was time for rehab again. He had gone out on a Monday morning so depressed and unhappy that he drank. I had him come on home and told him I would think about what I was going to do.
This morning he got up on time and went down to Lifeskills and did his interview to get admitted into their rehab program at Park Place. He checked with his insurance (Medicaid) and found out the Park Place accepts that. He is to check in around the 23rd of this month.
I have compassion for him, because I know how sick he is, and frankly I know he couldn't survive on his own right now. He has no friends to turn to. He is a loner, extremely introverted and afraid of social situations and people.
My situation is this... I am trying to decide whether to let him move back in here again after rehab until he can get a job and get on his feet in some low income housing. I know he doesn't want that and he doesn't want to be alone, but I explained to him that at some point he has to live on his own because his mother and I won't live forever and could be killed in a car wreck tomorrow. Then what would he do?
I just don't know if I should let him back in after rehab. I know we are supposed to have faith. I know it takes most alcoholics several trips to rehab before they finally really get sober, but I am cynical and don't expect him to ever really get better, because all I've seen is him get worse through the years. It is sad to watch because he is handsome and has a very high IQ. He should have the initials Dr. in front of his name.
I am in a quandary. Thanks for listening.
Additionally, he suffers from sever depression, anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks, and he is lazy and can be manipulative and entitled. He can be Oppositional too in a passive/ aggressive sort of way.
He recently took a job in a neighboring town and we helped him get settled into an apartment with a roommate to the tune of $3000. At one point I told him I would no longer pay for his Abilify, an antidepressant that he needs and his insurance won't cover it. I felt that he was 37 and should provide for himself even if it meant getting two jobs.
His job went mediocre, but they accepted him until he ran out of Abilify. At that point he was unable to function at work and he sat around in a daze. They put him on "leave" until he got straightened out, but by then, they had already filled his spot. They helped him get a similar job in a nearby city, but he wasn't right for that one. It was a home for delinquent, mean girls and he doesn't have the personality to deal with that.
During his early time at this job, he came back to town for a couple days at a time and was secretly drinking again. One night he came home stinking drunk and I took his key away and said he could not longer sleep at our house.
He lost the second job and had nowhere to go and became so severely depressed that he could hardly function. He walks around like a zombie in panic attack mode. We let him move back in temporarily, with some rules that he get a new psychiatrist and a counselor, find a part time job, and file for disability.
Yesterday he took the first steps in filing for disability, but he also called me an told me it was time for rehab again. He had gone out on a Monday morning so depressed and unhappy that he drank. I had him come on home and told him I would think about what I was going to do.
This morning he got up on time and went down to Lifeskills and did his interview to get admitted into their rehab program at Park Place. He checked with his insurance (Medicaid) and found out the Park Place accepts that. He is to check in around the 23rd of this month.
I have compassion for him, because I know how sick he is, and frankly I know he couldn't survive on his own right now. He has no friends to turn to. He is a loner, extremely introverted and afraid of social situations and people.
My situation is this... I am trying to decide whether to let him move back in here again after rehab until he can get a job and get on his feet in some low income housing. I know he doesn't want that and he doesn't want to be alone, but I explained to him that at some point he has to live on his own because his mother and I won't live forever and could be killed in a car wreck tomorrow. Then what would he do?
I just don't know if I should let him back in after rehab. I know we are supposed to have faith. I know it takes most alcoholics several trips to rehab before they finally really get sober, but I am cynical and don't expect him to ever really get better, because all I've seen is him get worse through the years. It is sad to watch because he is handsome and has a very high IQ. He should have the initials Dr. in front of his name.
I am in a quandary. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Only you can decide what you plan to do. Have you thought about checking into sober housing for your son? Or better yet, having him check into it himself.
He sounds a lot like my Xhusband who is also handsome and has a very high IQ as well. Unfortunately, that does not even buy a cup of coffee. To function in the world, he will have to not only be clean, but force himself to learn to socially interact at least on a basic level.
Has he been diagnosed with any sort of learning disability? You may want to see if there is a local Vocational Rehabilitation program where you live. They help those with disabilities gain employment, and will also test for disabilities I believe. Or at least they do here in the state which I live. It may be something to check out as they look for employment you are actually suited to with your disability. Just a thought.
I encourage to read the stickies at the top of the forum, and stick around. Read a lot. You will gain a lot of insight from people who have walked your walk.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
He sounds a lot like my Xhusband who is also handsome and has a very high IQ as well. Unfortunately, that does not even buy a cup of coffee. To function in the world, he will have to not only be clean, but force himself to learn to socially interact at least on a basic level.
Has he been diagnosed with any sort of learning disability? You may want to see if there is a local Vocational Rehabilitation program where you live. They help those with disabilities gain employment, and will also test for disabilities I believe. Or at least they do here in the state which I live. It may be something to check out as they look for employment you are actually suited to with your disability. Just a thought.
I encourage to read the stickies at the top of the forum, and stick around. Read a lot. You will gain a lot of insight from people who have walked your walk.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
It sounds like your son would benefit from a dual diagnosis facility.
As far as moving back in I say no. It will be easier for him to launch out of the rehab and not get comfortable living with mom and dad again (don't do it its not fair to you, its not fair to him). A sober living facility would probably be the best choice for him.
I am very sorry this has happened to you, and I am sorry for him to have so many mental issues to have to deal with. My husband is Bi Polar, OCD, anxiety, ADD and a recovering alcoholic. We live a very "normal" and happy life that began when he was properly medicated and he recommitted to sobriety after a relapse. IT IS POSSIBLE.
As far as moving back in I say no. It will be easier for him to launch out of the rehab and not get comfortable living with mom and dad again (don't do it its not fair to you, its not fair to him). A sober living facility would probably be the best choice for him.
I am very sorry this has happened to you, and I am sorry for him to have so many mental issues to have to deal with. My husband is Bi Polar, OCD, anxiety, ADD and a recovering alcoholic. We live a very "normal" and happy life that began when he was properly medicated and he recommitted to sobriety after a relapse. IT IS POSSIBLE.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jonbald......I have an adult son who is sober, now. I have been through the wringer with this, also.
I strongly suggest that you consider hopeful4's words very carefully! Especially, the part about having him evaluated by Vocational Rehabilitation.....
Quite often, the very bright can have certain learning disabilities...or, I prefer the term neurologically atypical.
This is often missed (even by psychiatrists) because the evaluations require specialty training and experience.
Adult ADD is very commonly missed....and all kinds of psychological symptoms result which follow the person for the rest of their lives. It is estimated that a large number of alcoholics have this undiagnosed condition. That is a shame, because it is so treatable..
There are many other conditions, also. Specialty testing is required.
If you want to PM me (private message)...please do so..I can recommend some reading material on the subject. Also, there is a good website...."ADDITIDE.com"
Concerning the question about him returning home to live after rehab.....
I was told by a psychologist, once, who was a long recovering alcoholic, himself, and he worked with troubled families....that he had never seen an alcoholic recover while living in their p arent's house!
Over time, my observations prove this to be true.
I would never allow my son to live in my house again (out of love).
There are a million reasons why this is true...but, it is too long to write about in this post...lol....
I believe that is so true. And, I doubt that you will ever have anhyone else tell you this, but me!
It is tough for a parent to accept this and it feels counter intuitive, I know.
Please don't give up on your son...but, I feel that it is essential that you get every bit of professional help that you can possibly find.
You may have to turn over a few stones....but, there is help for you and your son.....I know that to be true.....
dandylion
I strongly suggest that you consider hopeful4's words very carefully! Especially, the part about having him evaluated by Vocational Rehabilitation.....
Quite often, the very bright can have certain learning disabilities...or, I prefer the term neurologically atypical.
This is often missed (even by psychiatrists) because the evaluations require specialty training and experience.
Adult ADD is very commonly missed....and all kinds of psychological symptoms result which follow the person for the rest of their lives. It is estimated that a large number of alcoholics have this undiagnosed condition. That is a shame, because it is so treatable..
There are many other conditions, also. Specialty testing is required.
If you want to PM me (private message)...please do so..I can recommend some reading material on the subject. Also, there is a good website...."ADDITIDE.com"
Concerning the question about him returning home to live after rehab.....
I was told by a psychologist, once, who was a long recovering alcoholic, himself, and he worked with troubled families....that he had never seen an alcoholic recover while living in their p arent's house!
Over time, my observations prove this to be true.
I would never allow my son to live in my house again (out of love).
There are a million reasons why this is true...but, it is too long to write about in this post...lol....
I believe that is so true. And, I doubt that you will ever have anhyone else tell you this, but me!
It is tough for a parent to accept this and it feels counter intuitive, I know.
Please don't give up on your son...but, I feel that it is essential that you get every bit of professional help that you can possibly find.
You may have to turn over a few stones....but, there is help for you and your son.....I know that to be true.....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Bowling Green
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Hello and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Only you can decide what you plan to do. Have you thought about checking into sober housing for your son? Or better yet, having him check into it himself.
He sounds a lot like my Xhusband who is also handsome and has a very high IQ as well. Unfortunately, that does not even buy a cup of coffee. To function in the world, he will have to not only be clean, but force himself to learn to socially interact at least on a basic level.
Has he been diagnosed with any sort of learning disability? You may want to see if there is a local Vocational Rehabilitation program where you live. They help those with disabilities gain employment, and will also test for disabilities I believe. Or at least they do here in the state which I live. It may be something to check out as they look for employment you are actually suited to with your disability. Just a thought.
I encourage to read the stickies at the top of the forum, and stick around. Read a lot. You will gain a lot of insight from people who have walked your walk.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
He sounds a lot like my Xhusband who is also handsome and has a very high IQ as well. Unfortunately, that does not even buy a cup of coffee. To function in the world, he will have to not only be clean, but force himself to learn to socially interact at least on a basic level.
Has he been diagnosed with any sort of learning disability? You may want to see if there is a local Vocational Rehabilitation program where you live. They help those with disabilities gain employment, and will also test for disabilities I believe. Or at least they do here in the state which I live. It may be something to check out as they look for employment you are actually suited to with your disability. Just a thought.
I encourage to read the stickies at the top of the forum, and stick around. Read a lot. You will gain a lot of insight from people who have walked your walk.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi, welcome but I'm sorry for what brings you here. I'm unclear on whether the facility is equipped for dual diagnosis? I would try and find that out for him since he may not have the wherewithal to understand the importance of that and getting the meds right and stabilized. And any rehab facility worth its salt should be able to recommend a sober living facility post-rehab. I would try everything first before having him come back to live in your home.
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