AnvilheadII

WHAT IF.....you just let it end? one of you is already crawling out the window.....not all couples are meant to be together OR stay together. when you think of letting her go, what happens?

bailey17

Oh Poppet, I can sense so much pain, guilt, and anxiety come through your post. I don't know your relationship inside and out but in my opinion, there's no way you could have so much of the blame and responsibility for the problems in your relationship, you're just not that powerful. Especially in a relationship with an A. it's incredibly draining. What also stuck out to me is that you end many of your posts with "Sorry". You have nothing to be sorry for. that makes me think your emotional needs have been tremendously neglected, you have been unable to express yourself, how you feel, what your needs are, for a very long time that you don't even feel as though you deserve to? of course I can't say how you feel, i can just relate because that's what it was like when i was with my A (we separated 4 years ago). That relationship initially brought me to this site. I learned how to start caring for myself and considering my needs through the support of this forum, alanon, and codependents anonymous. I think alanon would help loads in this situation. Gain some education and consider your needs! You owe it to yourself!! Lots of hugs

ladyscribbler

I made sure the house was spotless, that I'd got shopping and wot not, I planned and prepared a meal (which went uneaten) and made plans for a little fire outdoors together so we could talk and reconnect. The evening resulted in her drinking rather a lot.

You made sure everything was in place for a "perfect" evening and she drank.

I've desperately tried to change my behaviour over the years, how I am loving towards her, how I express my feelings, let her know she's valued, loved...). So I try and accept it and leaver her be, but she won't allow that. If I accept what she says (i.e. listening to her feelings that she wants it over) then I'm damned and if I try and apologise, suggest ways I can mend things, then I'm damned too. I'm damned if I don't and damned if I do. She says she doesn't want to talk, yet when I say ok, she wants to talk, she won't leave me be. If I don't talk I'm in the wrong, if I try and talk I'm in the wrong.

You do everything she says she wants, even if the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. She drinks.

She said last night that she feels she needs to lose an arm or get blown up in a terrorist attack for me to take notice of her.

ALL of your energy and attention is focused on her. What she wants is for you to focus on continuing to appease her and remove your attention from her drinking.

I lived like this for many years, progressively tying myself in tighter knots trying to make my ex happy enough to treat me with kindness and respect. He continued to drink and blame me for his misery. I planned so many "perfect" evenings trying to reconnect and bring back the love in our relationship. I used to agonize over what kind of salad dressing to buy. He only liked Italian dressing, but I could never find the perfect one. Creamy Italian was too creamy, one brand was too spicy, one wasn't spicy enough, another brand was too oily (duh, it's half oil, like all Italian dressing), then there was the brand that had too many chunks. Nothing was ever going to satisfy him, because it was never about the salad dressing, but that didn't stop me from having a nervous breakdown in the grocery store. It was almost time for his monthly payday bender and I was trying to make everything perfect (which meant buying the exact right salad dressing) so that he would be happy enough and not have a reason to abuse me while he was drunk.
You don't have to live this way. As painful as it is to let go, it will be less painful in the long run than hanging on to a toxic, abusive partner.

bailey17

^^^^funny, but not funny about what lady said about the salad dressing. that speaks the perfect truth. the house could be SPOTLESS but if I didn't shut the pickle jar all the way- forget it, he would see it, and point it out, and I would pay for it. Why this is important is because in AA/NA it is taught that this disease has a degree of insanity. and from my experience, things became insane when I thought I could control my partners actions/reactions when he was drinking. I couldn't. it comes down to the three C's- didn't cause, it, can't cure it. CAN'T CONTROL IT. there's nothing we can do, say, wash, clean, cook, fold, pay, apologize, etc etc to make it better. this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. the alcoholic is powerless over their drinking. with that being said, that certainly doesn't make me have any sort of control over someone else's drinking. I can only support and heal myself. which I urge you to do. You can step outside of the insanity. I only could through alanon and the support I found here. doesn't mean you need to leave the relationship. that is a complex and personal decision that is only up to you. but you can attend to your own needs in the process. Please take care of yourself. I am trying to the best I can. it's not easy but it's worth it.

Liveitwell

Lady's words are 100% accurate. I echo every word-except mine wasn't salad dressing, it was the dishes on the correct side of the sink and making sure my behavior was perfect and happy and that the kids didn't act out (you know, bc acting like kids set him off). I did everything I could to make things so that he wouldn't have to drink and abuse me. I left him alone, I did everything he asked of me-he still drank and abused. Bc it was Never about ME. It was all him. I literally made myself almost crazy trying to keep the peace in hopes that he wouldn't abuse. It never worked.
Friend, YOU don't have to live this way. You have the choice to pick yourself up and LIVE. Please realize how you are living in abuse and that you can choose healthy. You can do this! She's a very sick person and nothing you do, nothing anybody does, can fix that. Poppet-I used to be the same exact person as you-every word, every feeling. I divorced my ex and he's still drinking and avoiding any responsibility and cares nothing about what he's done. He blamed me and our bad marriage for his drinking and abuse-funny, we have been divirced over a year and he lost visitation rights to his children bc he continues to drink and love live in his arrogant little world full of lies and blame. It was never me! Or our marriage! Or the kids! Or the job! Or the......fill in the blank. It was always HIM.

Please take care of yourself. Many hugs and prayers for strength and peace. You deserve so much better.

Poppet35

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I'm so confused and frightened.
She told me she doesn't love me anymore, not the person I am now anyway. She loved and adored the girl she first met who gave her such joy and happiness but she doesn't love me. The me now.
And I hear what you are all saying. It's just so flipping hard to let go and understand.
I know I haven't necesarrily done my very best for the relationship - I haven't nurtured it how I should have done. I was perhaps lazy. I don't know, I know I haven't been cold towards her. Altho when someone is ignoreing you it's hard not to be cold.

I said why couldn't we sit and calmly talk over our issues - apparently the only issue is the relationship - we don't have one.
I don't know how to define a relationship anymore.

She says its not the booze, that the booze is only a problem because she is unhappy but even when I filled her with joy and happiness she drank - for other reasons (I left my xh for her so that was why back then).

So now I'm say feeling totally responsible for everything, that I have caused this disastrous state of affairs and that I need to be that girl from 8 years ago. But I'm not her anymore.

It's the blame that is so hard - the being told that it's because I haven't loved her enough, that I haven't given her enough intimacy. Oh I don't know.

Hawkeye13

Oh please Poppet

Step back a bit and you will realize how crazy her claims are.

Poppet35

I know, when I stand listening to all this I think - no, this isn't right but then of course my head starts whispering "are you sure?" Part of me knows this isn't right, that how come I'm so unhappy if I'm the one responsible. Then another part of me says but if you don't fix things you'll lose her.
I look at her and I love her. But sometimes I hate her so much.

It's a whirlwind of emotions.

I need to stop the talk over why I did this, why I didn't do that, How could you do that?, why didn't you stop that? It's not helping me, it's hurting me, it's keeping me emotional and trapped.

LexieCat

Sounds to me like you made some pretty huge changes in your life for this woman. It sounds to me like you feel if you don't do anything/everything to save the relationship, it will somehow invalidate those changes.

Life never stays the same. At this point, the relationship and your desperate actions to save it at all costs, are costing you WAY too much. She is not capable of being a good partner unless/until she decides to get some help for her many issues--it sounds as if, in addition to addiction, she has some mental health problems. None of this is in your power to fix.

I'd suggest letting her go and working on healing yourself and building a healthy/happy life for yourself. Lots of us have done it--you can have it too.

dandylion

Poppet......Your description of how you are feeling, right now, pretty much fits the description of one who has suffered abuse....specifically, chronic emotional abuse. One doesn't have to be hit to be abused...the emotional scars hurt just as much.....I think you have been alone for some time, already....
Perhaps you have never thought of it this way.....

It causes a person to feel confused and to doubt themselves. After a while, a person begins to "believe" the things that are being said to them.. It can become hard to even think.....
It does a job on one's self confidence and self esteem.....
There seems to be no shelter from the storm....

Poppet....I think a good first step (call it a baby step) would be to put some distance from this girl....Like Hawkeye suggested....."Step back a bit"....
Your love will not save you.....as weird as that might sound. Everyone here has loved the person that brought them here....
Yes, there will be pain....and I know that the p ain frightens you...But, consider that you are already living in pain. Clinging to her will not stop the pain....
I call it short-term pain for the long-term gain....
She is incapable/won't care for your needs and feelings.....

After a while, I think that the fear of the "fear" actually becomes the issue....

dandylion

Ariesagain

Oh, sweetie...your posts make me want to cry. You are clearly a lovely, giving person who is being brainwashed into all this undeserved guilt.

I'm just guessing...but I'm betting that person you were were when you met never said anything about her drinking and that's what she wants back.

You love her...why? She is endlessly hurtful. I understand the fear of being alone, but you may well find, as many of us have, that being alone is amazingly peaceful when you're not living on eggshells.

You deserve a better life.

PuzzledHeart

Poppet, I'm going to put this very bluntly. Is this a relationship that you want to hold as an example for your children?

You bring up her drinking. She tells you essentially to shut up.
You have problems in your relationship - you move your family to be with her - she retreats to the bottle. Is this acceptable?

It's very difficult to nurture a cactus. She wants you to love her, and yet she's put so many defenses between you and her, including blameshifting and drinking, that she's made it downright impossible for you to do so. And yet you try and those cactus needles are pressing down on you long and sharp. No wonder you want to pull back.

And you should.

I was physically abused as a child, and the whole "I'm going to love you, now I'm going to hate you/why can't you be..." routine is just way too familiar. At the time, I didn't have the choice to leave. You do.

You are not a cactus. I'm sending you the longest over the pond hug ever.

Praying

Hi, I mostly wanted to send hugs and support your way. You aren't the grand demise of your relationship--at best, you're only half of it. Often times we end up putting in 100% of the effort that should be split 50/50.

Something that helped me with my own self-reflection and self-esteem that was excellent advice I received...

With the demons she's dealing with, you aren't in a normal, healthy relationship. We're programmed to trust our significant other, to listen to their counsel and opinions of us. If we're with a sober, emotionally healthy partner who is our biggest champion and confidante, that can be a powerfully strong force in our lives. If we're with an emotionally unhealthy person, it is toxic to our own sense of self.

What you need to do is step back and frame everything she says to you. I recently told a friend to tell himself "it's all lies" every time his wife spoke. Much of it was lies (about what she was doing, what was his fault, etc.), but the energy to sort through the truth vs lies is too much. Also, remember that you're programmed to believe and want to work on her statements about you. If you shift your mindset (who cares if she's talking about the weather) to "it's all lies", then you'll stop giving credit to her statements about you. Don't let her define who you are, because she's not healthy. Let your trusted friends and family mirror back who you are, while YOU explore yourself and decide what's true and false. Please don't listen to her because it will only damage you. Give NO credit to any accusation from her.

Learning to do that, and to discredit my XAH's assertions about who I was, led me back to finding out who I was. Sure, I have some faults. But letting him define them was toxic.

Just some food for thought. You definitely are over-apologizing...and I've been there. You can lose so much sense of self and even the sense that it's okay to have your own thoughts, wants and needs. You don't ever have to apologize for your feelings or need to vent. You are a human. You get to have human feelings too.

Please don't let her define you. You sound like a very caring, thoughtful man.

Sending a big virtual bear hug.

Praying

Lol, I think you're a woman, not a man--apologies if I got that wrong in my post. Dangers of the virtual world.

Poppet35

That's ok, don't worry. Your words meant a lot to me. Will reply more later. Thank you

teatreeoil007

Poppet: I am sorry to read of your misery.

Trying to "make" someone else happy is difficult and draining and in your case seems to have proven 'impossible'. Another thing: Trying to have good communication when someone is drunk is near impossible too. She needs to quit drinking if she really wants to be happy and SHE needs to make herSELF happy. No one else can do that for her. I know this is hard because you love her and you have strong feelings attached, but you've got to do what is best for YOU.

teatreeoil007

One of my friends was engaged to be married...and they had the date set and everything and he said she was the "love of his life" etc, etc. But he broke it off for a few important reasons...good thing he did really..because you know what he said? He said, "I realized I could never make her happy." Well, that kind of says it all, doesn't it? Healthy relationships ensue when each individual is happy with or without a 'relationship'. You gotta love yourself, first and most of all...When you really love yourself, you will realize too that you deserve to be treated good....maybe you just don't get along, but it's just not right for her to put all the blame on you. She needs to let go of that aspect and work on herself. As others have indicated, think about having a peaceful happy existence without the misery this relationship has brought. Try to stay positive in believing that the overall OUTCOME does not have to be disastrous. You can turn things around for yourself. Amen!

imsober4me

I have been coming back and reading this post over and over again, how painful for you. I am in a similar situation with my abf and I want to say xbf now but more to the point is, the main issue at the core is her addiction. I feel like you might not understand how addiction works. I have been where I thought I knew all about it and if he could stop things would be great etc. I have three kids that are not his and one that is. And when things go wrong here it is their fault. I don't pay enough attention to him. I could spend every waking hour with him and that would still be the reason. He wants me to be less of a momma bear. I'm sorry but it was no surprise to him that I had kids, it was a surprise to me that he was an alcoholic until I was already pregnant with his child! There is no way to stop her from doing what she does. That is on her and no one else. You can choose to stand up for you and your kids and walk away. That is exactly what I am doing. It is a huge mess and will not be that simple. I am going through some regret emotions because it seems like my inner turmoil would be solved by just "working things out" again. I know how it will end because I have done this dance many many times. In a few weeks here I will get the text that will say he has no where else to go or whatever he needs to try to get his foot back in my door here. My plan is practiced so I don't have to think. Simply I don't have what you need here and I am sorry but I can't help you. I will leave it short and sweet. And at this point too I have decided the only real things I might answer him about is how his child is doing. IT is hard. I don't know how to detach with love. My first Al-Anon meeting is friday and I am crawling out of my skin to get more nuggets of knowledge and tools to help me be a better me and a better mom. My kids only have me! (widowed prior to this relationship) I had him out of my house last year and I was able to take an actual vacation with my kids, would have never had the $$ to do so with him here. Just some of my own story. I hope you can do what you need to do for peace and serenity. I find myself in silent prayer several times a day. Even in the bathroom at work. Let go of the illusion of control you have and give it to a higher power (even if the higher power is Batman

Liveitwell

Letting go of control ^ yep! That's the hardest thing. I think it's such a cluster fudge when you are blamed for so long that yu or your marriage or your actions or your personality or.....whatever YOU did....caused them to act that way-common logic tells us that if we caused it, we can then stop it. This insane belief kept me caught in an abusive marriage for way too many years. I beloved for a long time that it was my fault (bc he told me it was, along with his mother) so naturally I tried to fix it-to make it good for him so that he wouldn't have to drink. Sigh-wasted years. Please don't make the same mistake I did.

maia1234

P,
You are as addicted to her as she is to alcohol.

Breaking an addiction to something/someone is painful.

Hugs my friend one day you will wake up and get it..