Losing the plot
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
Losing the plot
Hi guys
I haven't been to SR in quite some time, and when I was here previously I'd mostly post in the alcoholics forum. However, I'm here today, at 3.5 years sober on the flip-side of the coin; battling with my child's alcoholic father. This may be a bit TL;DR, but bare with me because I'm hurting and need to vent.
Without getting too detailed, my child's dad has been a daily drinker and recreational drug user since the age of 15, and showed now signs of slowing down, even when I fell pregnant. He was often verbally abusive, sexually aggressive, and once, shoved me hard enough that I flew across the kitchen and hit the back of my head on the floor (missed the corner of the kitchen bench by half an inch).
He always told me that he treated me that way because I was "so difficult", and I always brushed it off as something that domestic abusers say to Justify their actions and place the blame on the victim.
However, I found out a couple of weeks ago that he has married and now I'm starting to believe his words. That it was my own fault that he drank, and that he only abused me because I constantly annoyed him about his drinking and idiotic behaviour (43 going on 15). So now, knowing that he's married a woman he's only been seeing for 6 months, my brain is telling me that he must have changed. Maybe I over exaggerated the abuse and drinking in my own head. Maybe I am such a horrible person. Maybe I am that worthless, weak POS he constantly told me I was. This woman must be stronger than I. Better than me. Her children must be better than his own (he hasn't even told our child about his step-family yet. Not even an invitation to the wedding. Hasn't seen our child since December and only calls once a fortnight). I don't even know what to think. It has me so torn up inside, because I really could not care any less about the guy and what he does with his life. So why do I feel like crap about it? I should be happy that he's found someone and I shouldn't feel obliged to care about his miserable existence. Why can't I move on?
We're going to court in June. I'm seeking supervised visitation on the grounds of alcohol abuse. Now I'm questioning whether or not he actually is an alcoholic. I'm scared because I don't have any evidence of his drinking and abuse. Ugh! I can't even get my thoughts straight. My head is a mess due to the anxiety.
Aaaaaaanyway, I went to my first al-anon meeting last week. There aren't many in my area, and most are at night when I can't make it, so I'm restricted to the one meeting when my child is at school. This weeks meeting can't come around quick enough.
Sorry this was lengthy, and probably didn't make much sense. Just needed to vent a bit. Thanks for reading (or not)
I haven't been to SR in quite some time, and when I was here previously I'd mostly post in the alcoholics forum. However, I'm here today, at 3.5 years sober on the flip-side of the coin; battling with my child's alcoholic father. This may be a bit TL;DR, but bare with me because I'm hurting and need to vent.
Without getting too detailed, my child's dad has been a daily drinker and recreational drug user since the age of 15, and showed now signs of slowing down, even when I fell pregnant. He was often verbally abusive, sexually aggressive, and once, shoved me hard enough that I flew across the kitchen and hit the back of my head on the floor (missed the corner of the kitchen bench by half an inch).
He always told me that he treated me that way because I was "so difficult", and I always brushed it off as something that domestic abusers say to Justify their actions and place the blame on the victim.
However, I found out a couple of weeks ago that he has married and now I'm starting to believe his words. That it was my own fault that he drank, and that he only abused me because I constantly annoyed him about his drinking and idiotic behaviour (43 going on 15). So now, knowing that he's married a woman he's only been seeing for 6 months, my brain is telling me that he must have changed. Maybe I over exaggerated the abuse and drinking in my own head. Maybe I am such a horrible person. Maybe I am that worthless, weak POS he constantly told me I was. This woman must be stronger than I. Better than me. Her children must be better than his own (he hasn't even told our child about his step-family yet. Not even an invitation to the wedding. Hasn't seen our child since December and only calls once a fortnight). I don't even know what to think. It has me so torn up inside, because I really could not care any less about the guy and what he does with his life. So why do I feel like crap about it? I should be happy that he's found someone and I shouldn't feel obliged to care about his miserable existence. Why can't I move on?
We're going to court in June. I'm seeking supervised visitation on the grounds of alcohol abuse. Now I'm questioning whether or not he actually is an alcoholic. I'm scared because I don't have any evidence of his drinking and abuse. Ugh! I can't even get my thoughts straight. My head is a mess due to the anxiety.
Aaaaaaanyway, I went to my first al-anon meeting last week. There aren't many in my area, and most are at night when I can't make it, so I'm restricted to the one meeting when my child is at school. This weeks meeting can't come around quick enough.
Sorry this was lengthy, and probably didn't make much sense. Just needed to vent a bit. Thanks for reading (or not)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Rocket,
I've worked professionally in the field of DV for many, many years, and trust me, you didn't imagine/exaggerate/cause any of the violence or abuse. The abuse is a completely separate issue from the alcoholism, even though drinking may worsen it.
More than likely, his new wife will experience exactly what you did. He may be on his best behavior still at this point (though many victims marry men in spite of violent or controlling behavior). You don't know what she might be experiencing or what might be in her future. Hopefully she stays safe.
I'm glad to hear you are going to Al-Anon, but I'd suggest also (or maybe as an alternative) seeking out a support group for victims of abuse. Some of the Al-Anon principles (which, as you've noticed, are the same as the AA Steps), such as looking for our part in anything, can easily be misconstrued to suggest you are somehow to blame for what you experienced or not leaving sooner. Violence and abuse are always the sole responsibility of the abuser. Part of the control is to undermine your self-confidence and make it difficult/impossible to leave safely.
Hugs, and congrats on your sober time! Just imagine how much more unmanageable life would be if you were still drinking!
I've worked professionally in the field of DV for many, many years, and trust me, you didn't imagine/exaggerate/cause any of the violence or abuse. The abuse is a completely separate issue from the alcoholism, even though drinking may worsen it.
More than likely, his new wife will experience exactly what you did. He may be on his best behavior still at this point (though many victims marry men in spite of violent or controlling behavior). You don't know what she might be experiencing or what might be in her future. Hopefully she stays safe.
I'm glad to hear you are going to Al-Anon, but I'd suggest also (or maybe as an alternative) seeking out a support group for victims of abuse. Some of the Al-Anon principles (which, as you've noticed, are the same as the AA Steps), such as looking for our part in anything, can easily be misconstrued to suggest you are somehow to blame for what you experienced or not leaving sooner. Violence and abuse are always the sole responsibility of the abuser. Part of the control is to undermine your self-confidence and make it difficult/impossible to leave safely.
Hugs, and congrats on your sober time! Just imagine how much more unmanageable life would be if you were still drinking!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I could almost have written your post. I was in a very similar situation right down to the custody fight and him getting married almost immediately after I left. He and his wife and his lawyer put a lot of energy into painting me as the problem. I had to hear a lot of garbage about how he treated his wife and her children like gold and had his drinking under control and that everything that happened in our relationship was totally singular and unique and never to be repeated because somehow it was all my doing. Oh, and I was the violent one. His wife's family made up a bunch of ridiculous stories about my "insane rages" and how he used to live in fear of me.
It's sort of almost funny now, but at the time it was crazymaking and very upsetting to read and hear all that.
I didn't have tons of "proof" of his drinking problem apart from a couple of public intox arrests, but I had kept a journal throughout our relationship. I went back through my notebooks and was able to write out a pretty detailed timeline of incidents of drunkenness and abuse.
The judge in my case took that testimony very seriously and my ex and his wife contradicted themselves and one another to the point where they lost a lot of credibility. It helped also that I had gone out of my way to ensure contact via phone with our son and arranged visits with my ex's parents supervising. Their accusations of parental alienation didn't have any traction.
He ended up having to complete an alcohol treatment program in order to have visitation. We'll see how it all plays out, but I want you to know that you're not alone. Lots of moms on here have been in similar spots dealing with custody/visitation issues with an alcoholic ex. Really glad you've posted here. You'll find a lot of experience and support. Sending a big hug your way.
It's sort of almost funny now, but at the time it was crazymaking and very upsetting to read and hear all that.
I didn't have tons of "proof" of his drinking problem apart from a couple of public intox arrests, but I had kept a journal throughout our relationship. I went back through my notebooks and was able to write out a pretty detailed timeline of incidents of drunkenness and abuse.
The judge in my case took that testimony very seriously and my ex and his wife contradicted themselves and one another to the point where they lost a lot of credibility. It helped also that I had gone out of my way to ensure contact via phone with our son and arranged visits with my ex's parents supervising. Their accusations of parental alienation didn't have any traction.
He ended up having to complete an alcohol treatment program in order to have visitation. We'll see how it all plays out, but I want you to know that you're not alone. Lots of moms on here have been in similar spots dealing with custody/visitation issues with an alcoholic ex. Really glad you've posted here. You'll find a lot of experience and support. Sending a big hug your way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
Thank you both for your replies. I mean it.
I'm not sure about him being on his best behaviour. He was never romantic towards me, never charming or charismatic. In fact, I was utterly convinced that he would never find another relationship, due to the fact that he's just a useless lump. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. Relies 100% on his family members to make decisions and take action for him. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. It makes it really hard to accept the woman as my child's stepmother, because I have zero respect for her, even though I have never met her (I asked, he refused... But that's a story for another day), purely for the fact that she married him.
I have literally zero proof of his drinking, apart from my affidavit. He has been flying under the radar for the last 25 years. He lost his drivers license 3 times 25 years ago for drink driving, and never bothered to get it back (I will give him credit where it's due. He has not driven once in that time and relies solely on other people to drive him around, and public transport) so no recent drink driving offences. He also does a majority of his heavy drinking at home so no making trouble in public. Every time I threatened to call the cops on him, he would call my bluff and get in my face and say things like "Go on! I f***ing dare you! No one will listen to you", so no domestic abuse reports.
I have a journal, but have only been keeping it since December. He only called me drunk once in that time (Christmas Day) Otherwise we've had very little contact.
I don't know why, but I feel like I need to point out that we've been separated for 5 years. He has had visitation in that time, supervised by his parents. However, I found out that one of the parents was drink driving with my child unrestrained in the car and after that combined with the fact that he told me he no longer planned to take our child to his parents for visitation as he was now living with the girlfriend and had room for our child, I had to take action.
He completely, 100% denies he has a problem. He says everyone drinks around their kids, and he's no exception. It makes me so mad to know that my child will soon be given back to him, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
I'm a mess
I'm not sure about him being on his best behaviour. He was never romantic towards me, never charming or charismatic. In fact, I was utterly convinced that he would never find another relationship, due to the fact that he's just a useless lump. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. Relies 100% on his family members to make decisions and take action for him. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. It makes it really hard to accept the woman as my child's stepmother, because I have zero respect for her, even though I have never met her (I asked, he refused... But that's a story for another day), purely for the fact that she married him.
I have literally zero proof of his drinking, apart from my affidavit. He has been flying under the radar for the last 25 years. He lost his drivers license 3 times 25 years ago for drink driving, and never bothered to get it back (I will give him credit where it's due. He has not driven once in that time and relies solely on other people to drive him around, and public transport) so no recent drink driving offences. He also does a majority of his heavy drinking at home so no making trouble in public. Every time I threatened to call the cops on him, he would call my bluff and get in my face and say things like "Go on! I f***ing dare you! No one will listen to you", so no domestic abuse reports.
I have a journal, but have only been keeping it since December. He only called me drunk once in that time (Christmas Day) Otherwise we've had very little contact.
I don't know why, but I feel like I need to point out that we've been separated for 5 years. He has had visitation in that time, supervised by his parents. However, I found out that one of the parents was drink driving with my child unrestrained in the car and after that combined with the fact that he told me he no longer planned to take our child to his parents for visitation as he was now living with the girlfriend and had room for our child, I had to take action.
He completely, 100% denies he has a problem. He says everyone drinks around their kids, and he's no exception. It makes me so mad to know that my child will soon be given back to him, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
I'm a mess
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
I'm sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how much more complicated it must be with a child and figuring out how to navigate such a frustrating experience. Lexicat made a good suggestion about seeking out a support group for abuse. Educate yourself as much as possible. Abusers want their partner to feel confused, to doubt their reality, as much as they can. They use a lot of smoke and mirrors. Mine flat out denied abusive episodes to the point where I really thought I was going crazy.
And as far as figuring out whether he's an alcoholic or not- at the end of the day it doesn't really matter. If his alcohol use was a problem in your relationship then it's a problem. Some of the things you mentioned, about DUIs and losing his license- all signs point to the fact that he has a problem with alcohol that is interrupting his life and making things worse. Get some help for you, learn about addiction and abuse, it will help you feel less crazy and you will gain more insight. Just coming from my experience
And as far as figuring out whether he's an alcoholic or not- at the end of the day it doesn't really matter. If his alcohol use was a problem in your relationship then it's a problem. Some of the things you mentioned, about DUIs and losing his license- all signs point to the fact that he has a problem with alcohol that is interrupting his life and making things worse. Get some help for you, learn about addiction and abuse, it will help you feel less crazy and you will gain more insight. Just coming from my experience
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
If he claims not to have a problem with alcohol, you might be able to get him to prove it. I was able to get my STBXAH to agree to using SoberLink when he has custody of our children. The logic is pretty simple--if he says he's not abusing alcohol, then he shouldn't have any trouble demonstrating that fact.
It was a hard sell but I think when even his attorney said it was a good idea, my STBXAH succumbed. He has been complying for the last two months--while apparently indulging in his addiction when he doesn't have the kids.
BTW I had nothing but my journals, emails and texts to friends, and copies of letters I have written to him over the years pleading with him to get help, to support my claim. Ladyscribbler's advice and experience was really helpful for me in pushing my case.
A month ago, my STBXAH got mugged and the police report indicates that he was "extremely intoxicated," so there is finally some external evidence of what I experienced in our home for years.
If you think there might be anything like that in your X's past, you could try running a police record search on him, too. A person doesn't have to be drunk driving to get in trouble being intoxicated in public.
It was a hard sell but I think when even his attorney said it was a good idea, my STBXAH succumbed. He has been complying for the last two months--while apparently indulging in his addiction when he doesn't have the kids.
BTW I had nothing but my journals, emails and texts to friends, and copies of letters I have written to him over the years pleading with him to get help, to support my claim. Ladyscribbler's advice and experience was really helpful for me in pushing my case.
A month ago, my STBXAH got mugged and the police report indicates that he was "extremely intoxicated," so there is finally some external evidence of what I experienced in our home for years.
If you think there might be anything like that in your X's past, you could try running a police record search on him, too. A person doesn't have to be drunk driving to get in trouble being intoxicated in public.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm not sure about him being on his best behaviour. He was never romantic towards me, never charming or charismatic. In fact, I was utterly convinced that he would never find another relationship, due to the fact that he's just a useless lump. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. Relies 100% on his family members to make decisions and take action for him. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. It makes it really hard to accept the woman as my child's stepmother, because I have zero respect for her, even though I have never met her (I asked, he refused... But that's a story for another day), purely for the fact that she married him.
Yet, you were with him. I really don't understand why so many think there is no one else that will put up with their crap, nobody who will be attracted to them, etc. We aren't just one of a kind, the partners who choose these really screwed up people and who are screwed up ourselves.
You know nothing about this woman, why disrespect her? SHe's probably been hoodwinked. Now she is married to a person who will ABSOLUTELY abuse her just like he did YOU. Very quick courtship to marriage - 6 months.
You are lucky. She is not.
Yet, you were with him. I really don't understand why so many think there is no one else that will put up with their crap, nobody who will be attracted to them, etc. We aren't just one of a kind, the partners who choose these really screwed up people and who are screwed up ourselves.
You know nothing about this woman, why disrespect her? SHe's probably been hoodwinked. Now she is married to a person who will ABSOLUTELY abuse her just like he did YOU. Very quick courtship to marriage - 6 months.
You are lucky. She is not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
I'm not sure about him being on his best behaviour. He was never romantic towards me, never charming or charismatic. In fact, I was utterly convinced that he would never find another relationship, due to the fact that he's just a useless lump. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. Relies 100% on his family members to make decisions and take action for him. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. It makes it really hard to accept the woman as my child's stepmother, because I have zero respect for her, even though I have never met her (I asked, he refused... But that's a story for another day), purely for the fact that she married him.
Yet, you were with him. I really don't understand why so many think there is no one else that will put up with their crap, nobody who will be attracted to them, etc. We aren't just one of a kind, the partners who choose these really screwed up people and who are screwed up ourselves.
Yet, you were with him. I really don't understand why so many think there is no one else that will put up with their crap, nobody who will be attracted to them, etc. We aren't just one of a kind, the partners who choose these really screwed up people and who are screwed up ourselves.
I don't think I'm one of a kind at all. In fact, the opposite. I assumed that anyone with half a brain would run a mile from him, just like I did.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by sauerkraut
If he claims not to have a problem with alcohol, you might be able to get him to prove it. I was able to get my STBXAH to agree to using SoberLink when he has custody of our children. The logic is pretty simple--if he says he's not abusing alcohol, then he shouldn't have any trouble demonstrating that fact.
It was a hard sell but I think when even his attorney said it was a good idea, my STBXAH succumbed. He has been complying for the last two months--while apparently indulging in his addiction when he doesn't have the kids.
BTW I had nothing but my journals, emails and texts to friends, and copies of letters I have written to him over the years pleading with him to get help, to support my claim. Ladyscribbler's advice and experience was really helpful for me in pushing my case.
A month ago, my STBXAH got mugged and the police report indicates that he was "extremely intoxicated," so there is finally some external evidence of what I experienced in our home for years.
If you think there might be anything like that in your X's past, you could try running a police record search on him, too. A person doesn't have to be drunk driving to get in trouble being intoxicated in public.
It was a hard sell but I think when even his attorney said it was a good idea, my STBXAH succumbed. He has been complying for the last two months--while apparently indulging in his addiction when he doesn't have the kids.
BTW I had nothing but my journals, emails and texts to friends, and copies of letters I have written to him over the years pleading with him to get help, to support my claim. Ladyscribbler's advice and experience was really helpful for me in pushing my case.
A month ago, my STBXAH got mugged and the police report indicates that he was "extremely intoxicated," so there is finally some external evidence of what I experienced in our home for years.
If you think there might be anything like that in your X's past, you could try running a police record search on him, too. A person doesn't have to be drunk driving to get in trouble being intoxicated in public.
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