Expanding

I have started to read "Codependent No More" and I can't stop crying. I see how I contributed to the problem and how I didn't help *at all* and it hurts so, so much.

I feel so guilty, and want to apologize for the way I behaved. Is that just more codependent behavior? I had to control and I gave and gave and gave.. and then when I couldn't give anymore I gave from a place of lack. Anger, resentment, belittling, criticizing... I should have just left and saved us a whole lot of pain.

The realizations are coming in too fast... I cannot deny any of it anymore. I was desperately trying to "diagnose" him to justify him walking away. Even if he didn't have a problem I am still codependent and that is what I need to be focusing on. To think I could have been the destroyer of our relationship is too much to bear. Who would put up with someone that is controlling and at best verbally abusive? I am feeling absolutely terrible for my part.

How did you get over the guilt?

buk1000

I just read that book a couple weeks ago. Please keep reading it all the way through, you will find it helpful.

SmallButMighty

I don't have any good advice to give you because I still struggle with my own degree of guilt.

What I can tell you is, as I recover from my codependance I am learning to release the guilt bit by bit. I am a work in progress, I still have a ways to go, but I am proud of how far I have managed to come so far!

I can only ever be responsible for my own actions and reactions. I didn't make my XAH do any of the things HE did.. and he did not make ME do or react to things the way I did.

I would ask that you do not blame yourself for any of the things he did or said, even if those things were in reaction to your behavior. His actions are his to own( or not) .. and yours belong to you.

Take lots of deep breaths and keep reading. That book changed my life for the better in soooo many ways. That isn't to say it wasn't painful, it was, but gaining the clarity is worth it. I promise.

*hugs*

honeypig

I think this is important to remember. Yes, my actions, my failings, my shortcomings, were part of the problem and contributed to the end of the marriage. I hate to admit that. It's so much easier to pretend that it was all his fault, and I was the blameless victim.

However, just as I eventually came to believe what I'd been told about how I alone could not save our marriage, I eventually came to believe that I alone did not ruin our marriage. It took both of us acting out of our addictions and dysfunctions to really ball up the lines of communication, to burn the trust, to hurt each other until we were incapable of showing anything real to each other any more.

I am working towards recovery, towards learning and living a better way. I am clumsy--I stumble, I get lost, I backtrack, but I am seeking. He continues to lie and hide. And I felt I couldn't live w/that any more.

An SR member posted this some time ago, and I saved it b/c it just resonated w/me so much. I hope you find some help in it also:
For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.

Wishing you strength and clarity, expanding. Nobody said recovery would be easy, but they said it would be worth it--they were not lying.

Expanding

This is resonating with me. How badly you want them to just SEE

bailey17

I felt the same way when I first read "Codependent no more" (am about to re-read it) and the guilt was overwhelming. I had no idea how much I was contributing to the problem! But that's the thing, you didn't know, and because I was involved with somebody who was toxic, I myself reacted in a toxic way. Keep reading the book, learn how to respond rather than react. It's not your fault, you were doing what you could do in an unmanageable situation. we are not born knowing how to deal with these things. you did what you thought you could to improve the situation but as it turns out, it didn't make it better. now you get to learn a different, healthier way of dealing with people and relationships.

you mentioned about wanting to apologize for your codependent behaviors. i think that's a normal reaction (us codies want everything to be OK) I think i did that, but it definitely didn't make any difference. the only difference I could make was within myself.

Knowledge is power. It helps us learn how to cope. I promise that guilt will pass. that book changed my life in so many ways.

my best suggestion is to highlight the parts that stick out to you, that can help you move forward in your life. and re-read them. I re-read pages 78-79 (in the newest addition) probably 50 times. you are brave for facing your issues with codependency head on. any change is painful. hugs to you