Liveitwell

Still unpacking this new house. Feeling so thankful and blessed. And then it happened. Opened the wrong box-you know, the box with photo albums and such. And stupid me looked through the photos. Why? I don't know. Truly don't know, but maybe I'm just a masochist and enjoy being hurt?! (Said in jest, but really?!?) I sobbed. I sat there staring at pictures so full of life and happiness. It was not lost ok me that most pictures were of us drinking or drunk. And I started wondering-is that all he liked about me? Drinking with me? Bc when I sobered up and grew up he sure didn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. Was it me? Did he just hate me deep down and that's why he hurt me over and over again?! How could I possibly miss the person that has done all the evil things he has done?? I know the answers to these questions but my mind still goes there-and as I'm crying with my door shut and the girls in bed, I felt such incredible sadness. Y'all, I still see the person I loved with all my heart in those pictures. Where the f**k did he go? And then I got mad-like angry mad-actually talked to one of the pictures asking him, "yeah, you really loved me and your own children-you sacrificed all of us for drinking and your own FOO-what a loser you are". It was much worse in my mind and I'm sad to admit my mind went there bc I don't want to hate. I don't know when I won't get triggered again-I guess I will always miss who he was or said he was but not who he is-is that ok?! He failed our marriage in so many ways and has failed miserably as a father, to the point that his status is sperm donor. I guess my question is why do I even miss something that wasn't real?! Is this Codie brain? I'm well aware of who he is and what he's done-trust me, my blinders have been of for years. And I would never ever go back. Ever. But I Haven't felt like this in a couple of months. I'm Looking firward to one day not feeling anything ever again. I'm okay now, it lasted about an hiur, but damn-I don't like still feeling hurt! Giving it all to God and letting Him continue working on me and my healing and growth. Anyway, my ramblings for this Saturday night.

Thanks for listening

P.S. Not opening the box again.

JK130

Sending you so many hugs! I hope you surround yourself with strength and positivity, and that the pain eases just a bit. You are a worthwhile person. Feel the truth of that statement, please.

Bekindalways

Ah Fourourgirls, that sounds like a really rotten hour.

Your dreams, hopes and joy were very real. Because of this you have to mourn - irk. And grieving just sucks!! Can you think of this hour as working through yet another layer of grief?

Big, big hug to you.

Praying

Hugs to you tonight. I've been there, and it took rounds and rounds. Even this weekend, over three years past divorce, loving my life...I'm working on my patio and it reminded me of evenings grilling together with the kids playing outside--and I had a twinge of that lost dream. I've come to realize it's not me mourning HIM so much, but the smashing of the hopes and dreams and my picket fence.

Because reality of those grilling nights...he was always drinking, mad at me that I wasn't keeping up, and yelling at the kids while I buffered. But my MEMORY is beautiful and sweet...of the sunset, the porch swing, kids playing sweetly, food smelling good on the grill, gentle breeze...the American Dream.

More hugs tonight.

Liveitwell

^ yep. Just another layer the pain is gone. The hour sucked but it passed. It felt like the part in Under the Tuscan Sun when Diane lanes character finds a picture of her ex that has cheated on her-a picture of happiness-and her reaction was one of sadness and anger, all mixed together. To fee those simultaneously was overwhelming tonight. (And don't get me wrong-I'm not sad I left, at all-there was no reminiscing, no what night have been, nothing like that-I'm 1000 times better off than where I was, and my kids are safe in all ways-I don't doubt that I'm a good strong woman, defined by Gods description of good, I don't ever regret leaving-that much is crystal clear!)

Praying-yes! Totally living and loving my life-wouldn't change a thing (wasbt able to say that for years in my marriage). I think I've posted about this before-those pictures were a snapshot-what didn't get printed in photos was the after affects of those pictures. There's no pictures of the drubken ragings, cursing, abuse, and just insanity. I know this!! thank you for your words-I do know the American dream was not with him, that's for damn sure. His own actions have proved that for years. I married a boy with a drinking problem that only got worse each hear, what did I expect?!

lizatola

Been there, done that. I understand. I try to remember the good times with my ex and I now look at those pictures fondly. I remind myself of the lessons I've learned and I express gratitude for what I've learned from him and from my past that I can use to help myself today. Life is a journey and moving through the grieving process is so very important to give us perspective and to allow us to appreciated the good things we may have. HUGS to you today!

honeypig

This is something that occurred to me a couple of months ago myself, FoG. And I think you're on to something w/that thought. For me, there were 2 parts:

1) When XAH and I met, I was a bicycle messenger--no kids, no major responsibilities, no plans--and I partied hard. We drank a lot for the first couple of years. And it was fun--we had a lot of really good times. However, once we got married, I began to "sober up and grow up", as you put it. Not that all my so-called "growing up" took a healthy form--I became controlling and rigid in many areas, quite the opposite of how I had been, so no wonder he became increasingly unhappy w/me. He did tell me "you've changed" as a reason for his being unhappy and having to drink b/c of it. Like you, I replied "well, it's 20 years since we got together--I certainly HOPE I've changed in that time! How sad would it be to never change in 20 years..."

2) I realized I've followed this pattern thru much of my life--I've met someone when I was in "wild girl" mode, then settled and became much more domestic once we were seriously involved. I guess it's not surprising that these relationships went down in flames. Not having any tools to work with, I would simply get crazed and, needing to fill the hole left in my life, I'd start another cycle...

I'm sorry for that hour of intense pain and sadness you went thru. Most of the time, I'm feeling better, but every now and again something will trigger an attack of grief like what you experienced. It's frightening in its power and discouraging when I think "really, is this all the farther I've come?" But recovery isn't linear, and as you say, it's just another layer, just the particular bend in the road right then. It doesn't mean we're on the wrong road, just that it dipped into a valley. Soon we'll be climbing the next hill and then we'll be on the hilltop, able to see for miles and wondering why we ever doubted...

honeypig

Just want to clarify that I am NOT buying in to his claim that he drank b/c he was unhappy w/me, or that I did anything to cause him to drink. Just stating that I pretty much did a 180 in many areas after we'd been together a while, and I do accept that this would be a problem for most folks.

Zircon

Hi,
I can truely feel your pain. I'm going through the same thing as you. I just moved into my new little house, left the home my ah and I shared for 12 years. It's not easy!
Everything I have is tied to a memory my ah and I shared together.
One of the pictures that really made me sob was if my ah and mom dancing together at our wedding, the happiest day of my life. I just list my mom. She lived my ah, thank goodness she didn't know about how abusive he had become.
What helps me remain positive, is to realize my ah, isn't that man I married!! He became a man I don't even know. A stranger.
I believe that in the beginning if our married life m, his feelings were real!!
The last 2 years, his alcoholism took over his body and mind. The emotional abuse, intimidation and degradation was heartbreaking!!
Stay positive!! I think it will always be painful!! We are grieving what might have been, or in our mind what should have been.
We try to make an irrational situation, why would our so give up his family, life, and everything dear to him, and fit it into our rational logical thinking brain.
But as I'm finding alcoholism us a heartless disease.
I cherish the 12 years of memories that my ah and I made together. I put them in a safe place. I know he is no longer that man. This is something he can never take away from me!!
Most on this forum says, it gets better, the pain dulls. I believes that will happen for you and me.
I wish for you to stay strong, continue to be positive!!! Dont be upset with yourself because you remember the good times. You are grieving a huge loss.
In time, you will find a place to put those memories and will feel at peace!!
I wish you strength, courage, and to stay positive!!!!
Take care!!
Z

LexieCat

Just sending you a big hug. Yeah, those moments suck, but they pass--sounds like yours already has. It probably won't be the last time, but it grows less devastating over time. As you look around at your new life, it becomes easier to look at the old one with understanding and love, rather than bitterness and regret.

honeypig

Oh, Lexie, so true...and gradually becoming easier to look at the A w/some degree of compassion, rather than anger. Also starting to understand my own part in the craziness and to forgive myself for not knowing better. This whole growth thing takes time but the results are so worth it.

Everydaysabonus

This post made me cry. I'm married to an alcoholic although he denies that he is. We've argued a lot lately mainly due to his constant criticism and insistence that he is always right.
I'm not trying to hijack your thread and i'm sorry for the sadness you felt today but i'm sitting here thinking that i'm living in a dream that died.

SmallButMighty

*sigh*

FOG, I still have these same kind of moments, hours, sometimes days of deep grief over the loss of my marriage...or rather what I wanted and dreamed my marriage would be. 20 of our 26 years together were (mostly) good years, the last 6 were a downward spiraling hell.

Like you, I am a happier, healthier woman now that I am out, but the sadness of the reality of what his alcoholism( and my codependance) did to our marriage and family is still heartbreaking. I hurt for my kids that the family the grew up in, depending on the solidarity XAH and I always showed, even when things were bad, is broken. Sucks. Hurts.

When I left, I took very little. I walked away from my home and almost all the belongings we had gathered in 22 years of marriage. One of the few things I took was the box full of family photos. I had not been able to look at those pics, and still don't want to, I KNOW what a trigger that will be... but I had to go through the section that was soley baby pics of my son because he is graduating high school and they require a baby pic of each child to display as their names get called to receive their diplomas.. double whammy looking through pics of my youngest "baby"( who is about to turn 18 and graduate!) from a time when life was so much more bright and beautiful and I still had my rose colored glasses on about what a perfect family we had. When my daughter graduated(2012) we were still together as a complete family ( holding on by my fingernails at that time though) I feel sad for my son that we wont be together as a family on his graduation day. I cried a lot looking at those photos a few weeks ago. I can't imagine if I had looked through all of them and had to see all the good memories. That would ave been way too painful for me to handle at this point. I believe one day I will be able to look at them with love and fondness but I am not there yet.

I too married a boy with a drinking problem... for many years I drank with him, though not to his extremes. When I saw how his drinking problem had developed into full blown alcoholism and stopped being his drinking buddy we certainly did start to unravel as a couple. Sad to realize so much of our relationship had been based on the buzz. Sad to realize I am as guilty of that as him... though like you, I grew up and wanted better things from life, he didn't, that was his choice.

Hang in there Sister. It's a good road we are on, it just gets a bit bumpy sometimes. *hugs*

Liveitwell

After the valleys come the mountains and peaks. So true! Thanks to all for replying. Yes, the only people my ex thought of as friends and close to were the people he got drunk with, myself included for way too many years. I was no longer his drinking buddy anymore and since that's basically what we did the first few years, my changing was a shock, I'm sure. You either grow together or you grow apart. He chose to stay a juvenile, I did not. It is hard not to be bitter but I am not. I do have compassion for him as a lost child of God. Absolutely. I myself was one too! The pain passed quickly and I know it will hit again, at some random point in the future, but I know it's ok! I can and do handle it and quickly move on with my life, as opposed to living in the past that is my peace. growth, real growth, takes time.
Thanks all!!!!

bailey17

as others said, sounds totally normal and part of grieving. i always tell myself "the way I feel right now, I won't feel this way forever". my thought is that it's healthier to experience those painful emotions and allowing them to pass, rather than blocking them out or using some sort of substance or unhealthy outlet to mask them. so kudos to you for feeling the pain and letting it pass. and yes it might happen again, but thats ok! i think the pain of staying with someone in active addiction is never ending. at least this pain will pass. I think that shows a lot of strength on your part!!

Liveitwell

^ oh yes-the pain for an hour last night is nothing compared to the pain I felt while married to him. That pain was unbearable at times.

LivingLife4Me

When I packed up that box filled with family photos, I sobbed. When I brought the box here, I got out the picture of us at our daughter's wedding and broke down. I put the picture back in the box and put the box up in the closet. That was 7 months ago. I have no desire to look in the box.

Our oldest son is graduating from high school next year. I know his senior year is going to be very difficult for me because I remember how hard it was for me when my daughter graduated and then got married.

When I met XAH, we agreed to meet each other at a restaurant/pub. I was young and dumb (23) and didn't think anything of it other than that they had awesome nachos. He said that I shouldn't have had a problem with his drinking since I met him in a bar. Or that I shouldn't have had a problem with his drinking because I drank too. (One beer). I had a two year old daughter then, and the only time I had a drink was when I was out on a date or hanging out with friends without her present. I could take it or leave it and was perfectly happy sipping on one drink all night while they thought it was great to pound them back. Somehow he saw that through the beer goggles and thought that since he was drinking like that surely I must have been too?! Nope. It's been 20 years and I still don't drink like that. Heck, I am single now and I could drink like that NOW and nobody would know any different...but guess what? I still drink the same way I drank 20 years ago. I don't know what in the world he thought he saw but my drinking alcoholically was not it.

Sue

hopeful4

Huge Hugs. My DD had to take old pics to school recently, so we went through some albums, it was sad. And frustrating.

Many hugs hugs to you. Sending you lots of love and understanding my friend.

firebolt

HP and FOG - yeah same pattern here too.

Hang in there FOG. It's bound to happen, and we now have the ability to accept what was....and never do that to ourselves again. Opening the picture box and is just part of the process. (((HUGS)))

Liveitwell

FB and HP-yep, realizing that if I hadn't been a party girl he wouldn't have given me a second look. Realizing how much booze defined our relationship was eye opening to me a few years ago. Sad, but true. That's just how it is with problem drinkers. HP- something you said struck a chord with me. My ex told me time and time again that he was never going to change and that he wasn't able to change his thoughts. I recall how sad I was hearing that. How incredibly sad to be the same exact person you were ten years ago! Actually, he's far worse than he was ten years ago. If I'm still the same person in ten years, I've done sonething wrong!! Life is about change-that is guaranteed. Sorry, tangent
Thanks, friends, for your words and support