skyleh

at his email and his cell phone records....I don't get why I want to torture myself....I know what I am going to find..I have not been wrong yet. I started when we were still "married" and I continue even though I have filed for divorce. I know what I am going to find but I keep looking. I knew he was trying to hook up with someone and well during my vacation that is exactly what he was doing...I lost my trust...he said it was because of the alcohol...but of course did not want to stop..but would because he knew I was right...but I could not be upset when he "relapsed" How can you replase when you don't even really try to get well....no AA...still smoking pot...where was his attempts to get better..I was doing all the work..and I did not invite anyone to spend the night with me.....and disgrace our marriage and our family.

I still look....I know that he has been with this same woman...I know that he is calling her over and over again....we still live in the same house till I leave in 4 1/2 weeks....and he said he would be honest with me...about things...he keeps asking me "are you sure you want to go" YEAH I am sure...I know the lying is part of the alcoholism but it gets me sooo mad He tells me how much he loves me and does not want me to leave...but 5 minutes later he is calling her...He said I gave up my rights when I filed..yes I did but It still hurts..I look and see that I am not wrong..that he is still talking to her and I get so sad...why do I keep looking...why do I keep torturing myself..when I know deep inside what I will find...he says if I stay everything will be so much easier..yeah for him....but either way he would and will always emotionally absent from me.....It is so sad...I know that leaving is the right thing to do....either way it is not easy......Tonight I check the call records and just before he called me on his way to band practice he had called her..and talked for 10 minutes...I was so mad..I wanted to call and call him a lier AGAIN...but why does not matter....I don't want to stay...he gives me reasons everyday..but he still says I have no justification to leave....HOW CAN HE SAY that...instead of calling him I took my son to the park...I hope I can keep my mouth shut when he gets home...drunk...Thanks for listening

redrose0729

Skyleh,
I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish I could say something to make it easier but I don't think I can. Could you be looking because maybe you still have hope. I know closure is a big thing for me and when I don't have it it drives me nuts. Maybe you should ask yourself " what would you get out of it if you stayed?' and maybe that would help give you more peace with your decision . You already know the answer to that one. The loss of trust makes any relationship difficult and feeling betrayed does also. You have made a decision that is right for you now just keep focusing on yourself and your child. I find the more I focus on me the less I worry about him. I know prior to finding this site that I was so wraped up in my A's disease that I somehow lost myself know I am starting to find me agian and it feels better a little at a time. I know I have a long way to go but I am taking it one baby step at a time. Keep moving forward baby steps you can do it. Hugs to you and prayers too.
Rose

DealinginOC

You're not alone. I just did the same thing an hour ago. Looked through the wallet while he was in the shower hoping to NOT find anything...and there it was...a receipt from a strip club that he swore up and down he didn't go to on the first night of his four day binge this past weekend. I take the knowledge into the bathroom and ask again...nope, never been there. So I tell him, then why is there a receipt from that place in your wallet!! It's amazing how they can promise you they will never lie to you again, their going to get help for their problem, just to lie right to your face again. My point, you torture yourself because you KNOW you will find something eventually but with the HOPES that you never will. I wish I could give you some great advice, but all I can say is....you're not alone.

utopia

different circumstances but the same mess.

trust is a big thing and youre doing the right thing getting out of that house. yes hes a drunk and its a disease but that doesnt stop the betrayal and anger! they take time to subside. being used to inconsistency, disapointment and shattered dreams, i think we begin to look for the end, to look for the disaster because it can seem to good to be true that we arent a victim and as angry as we get we get a sense of pleasure out of knowing that we were right.

i was dating a guy who i met on the net and i almost kept going online just to see if was in the chatrooms still looking for love with others but i had to stop and ask myself if i trusted him? i said yes and turned the computer off.

if i dont feel trust i have to ask why and the answer isnt easy to hear when it becomes clear to me that i can be very paranoid and judgemental, alanon opened my soul to unconditional love where anger has no part, one day at a time, make sure your child gets consistent love and alateen one day cos i find that these ISMS are so embedded in all of us

peace out
toby

JT

I don't buy that it is the alcohol. I never have and I never will. Ward drinks and we have been through hell and back but he has never left for days, he has never cheated and in all the big ways he is honest. Sure he denies he has a problem but he comes home after work. Sure he drinks himself into a stupor every evening but he cuts the grass and goes to work everyday. When I am having a bad time he doesn't use it as a reason to go looking around. They use alcohol as an excuse for bad behavior but why do we buy it?? Take a look at the man. They make enough excuses on their own. We don't have to make them for them.

JT

skyleh

Thank you everyone...I know I am looking to hope that he is not lying to me. I know that my decision it leave is the right one....and I know that even if I "dont" find what I know I will find it would not change my decision to leave...its that I don't want to look back on my marriage as a joke...like none of it mattered...like I was just a caretaker...and an image for his family and employers...I sounds rediculous even to me..so I know deap down inside that time and counseling...alanon..all those thinge will help me get past it all. I pray to my HP everyday to guide me through this....

I was not able to keep it inside last night...he came home and said that tonight that he probably wont be coming him because he is going out with his buddies...whatever I said fine you can stay with her..but stop telling me you love me and don't want me to leave....stop lying to me about it...He is so convincing....all I say anymore when he spouts his lies is "whatever I dont' beleive you" he says well I am sorry that you are putting yourself through this but I have no reason to lie. I am focusing on doing things to stop my obsession...taking my son to the park was a good one...too bad I was not asleep before he got home....Owell baby steps right..baby steps...at least I know I am trying to help myself...he just continues to drink and use...what does that help.

Thanks again

Auriana

Skyleh, you're not alone. My AH use to tell me he was sober even when I knew he was drunk - to convince myself that I wasn't going insane, I use to hunt for proof of the alcohol. Once I found the proof (and I always found the proof), I felt better b/c then I didn't feel guilty for thinking my AH was lying to me - at that point, I KNEW he was lying to me. I did it for me. Sounds like you are trying to find proof to support your decision to leave. You've made a tough decision, but from what you describe it is the absolutely best decision for you and your son. Any chance you can leave earlier than 4 weeks? It sounds like being apart will be a much healthier situation for you!

skyleh

I wish I could leave sooner..but I have contract obligations here and I will be working for the same company when I leave.. I need the income. Thanks for the support. I don't doubt my decision..I am fighting feel worthless...and that I really did not matter to him...

osier59

For me, its the train wreck theory. No matter how awful it is going to be, I can't resist the urge to look. Then I am so VERY sorry that I did... no matter what I see.

It was a serious symptom of my co dependency that I continued to read the emails and mail long after we had split up. I dont know what I thought I would find... some new explanation that would make me say AH HAH that's it. (it never happened, no aha moment)

It took me a long time to determine that our situation was toxic. It was poison to me and the only way I could get better was to distance myself from all of it. NO matter what I read or saw or heard, it was just smoke and mirrors. It would never change the truth - MY truth of my life.

I also had to learn this: HE did not define me. For a long time I believed that he did... and it took a lot of recovery for me to learn that neither HE nor anyone else defined me. I did.

Hugs and love
Barb

GettingSober

Look you will have emotional scars for a long time from this. HOWEVER you are not trapped like some poor souls I have read about here. You can pick up and leave. Furthermore you can go out and find a great trustable partner. His problems are beyond booze. I and my wife were boozers and NEITHER one of us cheated. She still drinks in moderation I am hoping to abstain. My wife is a great looking gal and never cheated on me no matter how mad or drunk she was. I took my daughter to the park today and played with all the kids. We love each other very much. They are more important than the booze, but even when I did drink I either built our redwook deck, her play area or took her for walks. I never went off chasing women or whatever he is doing Go find someone you deserve and forget about this lost cause! There are plenty of good guys out there. Dont waste your time on him.

StandingStrong

sky, I feel for you. Truly, I do. Goodness knows that hope is the one thing that really keeps most (if not all) of us hanging on.
From my own experience though, I will tell you this. There were things that my Ah did that I thought were irresponsible. I thought he did those things because he drank and made those decisions while under the influence and not clear-headed.
What I realized when AH moved out is that though he was sober, he was still irresponsible. I realized that his drinking fell under the irresponsibility issue - not the other way around like I had previously thought.
There is a "root" (or reason) for why people do what they do. And until the addict finds and faces that root, I highly doubt that anything will change. (Just my opinion, people may disagree with that)
But you know in your heart what is best for you. And you have to focus on you. If you know for sure that you are doing the right thing, you should have be able to make peace with that.
Good luck, I know this is a very hard time for you.

utopia

try not to have regrets about the past

you cannot change whats over, but only where you go

alcoholism might be a reason that makes him careless but its not an excuse ad youre worth more than that.
peace out

best

Why do we keep looking?

Ask myself that many times. Curious? Human? Looking for a feeling of affirmation to the things we know to be true?
Informed dicissions? With the facts we are sure of our choices and options?
Peace of mind?

What does the info gain us?

Fear, resentment, anger, distrust for others, heartache, fatigue,
The list can be endless.

Guess when I find the answer, I will also find a bit more peace in my own life.


Oh and as to the excuse... umm OK don't need say it to him but know it for yourself... Alcohilism is not an excuse. That is BS and a cop out for bad behavior. Getting drunk beyond reason at the company Christmas party and falling on your face in more ways then one... that could be an excuse ONCE. Not a repeated behavior though.

Ladybugg

Skyleh,

I hope these next 4 weeks go smoothly and swiftly. You deserve to be happy and it really don't matter weather drinking causes him to do the things he is doing. He is disrespecting you and if you stick around it will show him that you don't even think you are worthy of being loved.

I remember searching through my husbands stuff..I felt really discusted with him when I did it....but even more discusted with myself.

I think I would stay gone as much as possible. Why can't he leave until you are able to get out of there?

Keep your chin up and don't let him know that he is hurting you. Try to show him that you feel you are worth something (even if you dont feel like it right now).

Take care of yourself and don't worry about going through his stuff...it takes practice to let go of that...and you just do it "one day at a time". You can start again today and don't do it.

Prayers...Lady

jessieandme2003

I agree that maybe you keep looking because you want hope.

But maybe its something else. I think it was for me. I think I already knew there was no hope. I was thinking maybe we look because we feel guilty for not trusting them. I know their manipulations combined with our codependence can make us doubt ourselves. Maybe we were wrong in our suspicions and he isn't so bad and we are guilty of blowing it out of proportion

So we look, we find it, and we can know again we weren't wrong in feeling distrust. Did you ever actually feel that brief moment of "see, I knew it, I'm not crazy, he IS lying."

It's like it reaffirms those feelings we sometimes only know as the hair on the back of our neck standing up. There is something inside us that just KNOWS something is wrong, he is lying, and yet we doubt ourselves. We feel guilty for distrusting.

Then we find it and we can feel 'sane' again, we weren't crazy feeling those distrusts, those 'paranoid' feelings, and we are NOT wrong.

Of course, immediately after that comes all the rest of the emotions. The hurt and anger over what he's done.

Yup, that is the hard one to face. They say all those lovely things and we want to believe every word.

My best friend told me something simple that really broke through that part for me. "Actions speak louder than words." Don't listen to a word out of his mouth. If you had to only choose this man as your life mate based on his actions without any of his words, would you?

The next step would be to stop arguing, just watch his actions without initiating any words, and ask yourself again.

splendra

Sky-

Why do I keep looking?

I believe it a symptom of our disease of co-dependency. We are obcessed with our addicts and it is our high to find proof that they are using or cheating or whatever...

For me it was one of my biggest milestones in my own recovery was to stop looking for evidence of my Hs using or cheating. When I realized I was actually violating his boundries and that I had some personal boundries that needed setting my recovery process started becoming much more defined and I was able to say ok this is where I begin by not looking thru his stuff..... it really changed me.... I have relapeds on this a few times but, it helped me to see what I was doing to myself(the relaps) and I have been "clean" of this habbit for several months. Now I am working on the bitching about what he is doing which I need a lot of work on....all he has to do is come in late and my bitch button is pushed. The last time he used I did not bitch about it and it felt better. His use has nothing to do with me and I have to stop making it about me and the sooner I stop the better off I will be.....

best

Sounds about right *LOL*
After putting some thought to this... not looking helps me more then the looking does. Not looking is a form of giving trust in a simple way as well.
Trust me and show that trust I won't cross the line. Doubt me and my stubborn side has me say...well if that is what you think...

Guess I don't need know why... just need to know that when I follow the steps things work out for me.

skyleh

But maybe its something else. I think it was for me. I think I already knew there was no hope. I was thinking maybe we look because we feel guilty for not trusting them. I know their manipulations combined with our codependence can make us doubt ourselves. Maybe we were wrong in our suspicions and he isn't so bad and we are guilty of blowing it out of proportion

So we look, we find it, and we can know again we weren't wrong in feeling distrust. Did you ever actually feel that brief moment of "see, I knew it, I'm not crazy, he IS lying."
Yup..that is so very true too....He lies and I know but he is convicing and I start the self doubt...Thank you...yes...this is it as well

skyleh

Thank you all....I don't like myself for looking....and i know it something I need to stop..today is day 1....in that part of my recovery.

He came home drunk again last night...angry at me...because of course I had to call him and tell him to please be careful...even if he was going to go see her....Yeah..I know...keep my big mouth shut......Today is day 1....

Thank you

osier59

My sainted sponsor has often told me that I get to start my day over whenever I want. SO I can relate, Skyleh, I have said "Today is day 1" more times than I care to admit!!