Why do I keep looking....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Oh Sky. I can so totally relate to this. I look because I NEED to know. It's more than a want it is a true need to know what he is lying about today. Did he talk to her today? Did he send her a text message telling her he loves her? Only to have him come home to me and say the same things. It's all BS. We do it because we feel we deserve to know the truth. They obviously aren't giving it to us, so we go out searching for it ourselves. I hate snooping too, but it's sort of like a protective wall. Just when you start to let the wall down you can go snoop & find more evidence of wrong doing and then you can start putting the wall back up again. It's our own defense mechanism. Don't get too attached this time around, because he is just going to hurt you again. We keep giving those second chances.....ONE LAST TIME.
Then again, I agree it is about hope too. What if you look and he hadn't talked to her that day. Wow, how good does that make you feel that he didn't speak to her? Good enough till tomorrow you check again & see the half hour conversation. We do torture ourselves with this just like everything else. This is our codependency!
I will continue to look, because again, I am just searching for the truth! Good Luck Sky. You are a strong woman & I wish you the very best getting through these next 4 weeks!
Then again, I agree it is about hope too. What if you look and he hadn't talked to her that day. Wow, how good does that make you feel that he didn't speak to her? Good enough till tomorrow you check again & see the half hour conversation. We do torture ourselves with this just like everything else. This is our codependency!
I will continue to look, because again, I am just searching for the truth! Good Luck Sky. You are a strong woman & I wish you the very best getting through these next 4 weeks!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
That's a good question...and I think agree with someone above who said that it is just part of our disease as codependents. It's like an urge you have to conciounsly control. My husband is not one who does not come home, or who cheats and lies (YET)...but, I still find my mind leaning toward counting the beers in the refrigerator, or checking his car for pot... It's insanity!! If I thought he was cheating or worse - I'd probably have a four station post of friends like a professional stake out! why? who knows... again, maybe it's just part of the disease? I think it's because we think if we have proof, it will be the catalyst to convince ourselves how bad it is! Maybe subconciously we are looking for the excuse to leave so we wont feel guilty...?? Just thinking out loud...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
You guys are the greatest!! Its amazing to know that feelign like this is so awful..you hope that no one else feels like that...but unfortunatly they do...but there is comfort in knowing your not CRAZY and your not alone.
Ok its 1/2 way through the day....so far so good....its when he goes out tonight after I get home...that'll be the true test...but then I am so tired i will hopefully just snuggle up with my little boy and sleep....
Thank you all for the support and comfort...its tough..but at least we have places like this huh....
Ok its 1/2 way through the day....so far so good....its when he goes out tonight after I get home...that'll be the true test...but then I am so tired i will hopefully just snuggle up with my little boy and sleep....
Thank you all for the support and comfort...its tough..but at least we have places like this huh....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
This checklist is provided as a tool; answers are not being recorded in any way.
YES NO
1. Have you often felt hurt, ashamed or embarrassed by someone else's sexual conduct?
2. Are you afraid to upset the sexaholic for fear that he or she will leave you?
3. Have you sometimes found yourself searching for clues about someone else's sexual behavior?
4. Have you ever fantasized, obsessed or worried about someone else's sexual problems?
5. Have you ever made threats to others or promises to yourself ("If this happens again, I'll leave.") that you did not carry out?
6. Have you ever tried to control somebody else's sexual thoughts or behavior by doing things like throwing away pornography, dressing suggestively, or being sexual with them in order to keep them from being sexual with others?
7. Has your involvement with another person or their sexual behavior ever affected your relationship with your children, your co-workers or other friends or family members?
8. Have you often lied to others or made excuses to yourself about another person's sexual conduct?
9. Have you had money problems because of someone else's sexual behavior?
10. Have you engaged in sexual behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable or ashamed, or is physically dangerous, fearing that if you don't the sexaholic will leave you?
11. Have you ever felt confused and unable to separate what is true from what is not true when talking with the sexaholic?
12. Have you ever thought about or attempted suicide because of someone else's sexual behavior?
13. Have you often used sex to keep peace in the family or smooth over problems?
14. Does sex (for example, thinking about it, doing it, talking about it, worrying about it) play an all-consuming role in the relationship?
15. Have you ever felt abandoned emotionally because of your partner's use of pornography or masturbation?
16. Have you ever helped someone get out of jail or other legal trouble as a result of his or her sexual behavior, or feared that this kind of thing could happen?
17. Have you often thought that the sexaholic's behavior was caused by other people, such as friends or sexual partners? by society in general? by his/her job, religion, or birth family?
18. Have you ever suspected that anyone was inappropriately sexually interested in any of your children?
19. Do you feel alone in your problem?
YES NO
1. Have you often felt hurt, ashamed or embarrassed by someone else's sexual conduct?
2. Are you afraid to upset the sexaholic for fear that he or she will leave you?
3. Have you sometimes found yourself searching for clues about someone else's sexual behavior?
4. Have you ever fantasized, obsessed or worried about someone else's sexual problems?
5. Have you ever made threats to others or promises to yourself ("If this happens again, I'll leave.") that you did not carry out?
6. Have you ever tried to control somebody else's sexual thoughts or behavior by doing things like throwing away pornography, dressing suggestively, or being sexual with them in order to keep them from being sexual with others?
7. Has your involvement with another person or their sexual behavior ever affected your relationship with your children, your co-workers or other friends or family members?
8. Have you often lied to others or made excuses to yourself about another person's sexual conduct?
9. Have you had money problems because of someone else's sexual behavior?
10. Have you engaged in sexual behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable or ashamed, or is physically dangerous, fearing that if you don't the sexaholic will leave you?
11. Have you ever felt confused and unable to separate what is true from what is not true when talking with the sexaholic?
12. Have you ever thought about or attempted suicide because of someone else's sexual behavior?
13. Have you often used sex to keep peace in the family or smooth over problems?
14. Does sex (for example, thinking about it, doing it, talking about it, worrying about it) play an all-consuming role in the relationship?
15. Have you ever felt abandoned emotionally because of your partner's use of pornography or masturbation?
16. Have you ever helped someone get out of jail or other legal trouble as a result of his or her sexual behavior, or feared that this kind of thing could happen?
17. Have you often thought that the sexaholic's behavior was caused by other people, such as friends or sexual partners? by society in general? by his/her job, religion, or birth family?
18. Have you ever suspected that anyone was inappropriately sexually interested in any of your children?
19. Do you feel alone in your problem?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
My ex AH used to cheat on me all the time. I looked everywhere for signs, clues, phone numbers, anything to prove he was cheating. The night I found out for real was when I went looking for him and found him in a motel room. The door was unlocked and when I opened it he was in high gear. I closed the door and when he came out he said "Well, it's your fault and moms' fault for accusing me of it" He wasn't drunk either. The sad part of it is her baby was asleep on the motel room floor. And about 9 months later I found out she had another baby and named it a variation of his name. It's so hard to not look for signs. I looked because I suspected it and usually I was right.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
Its not your fault...
Originally Posted by luvmyfurbabies
My ex AH used to cheat on me all the time. I looked everywhere for signs, clues, phone numbers, anything to prove he was cheating. The night I found out for real was when I went looking for him and found him in a motel room. The door was unlocked and when I opened it he was in high gear. I closed the door and when he came out he said "Well, it's your fault and moms' fault for accusing me of it" He wasn't drunk either. The sad part of it is her baby was asleep on the motel room floor. And about 9 months later I found out she had another baby and named it a variation of his name. It's so hard to not look for signs. I looked because I suspected it and usually I was right.
He was sick and hurtful.
NOBODY deserves that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 80
skyleh,
I was guilty of looking; no I should call it searching for the evidence. It wasn't very hard to find, he wasn't all that concerned with covering it up because then if he was confronted he could tell me how wrong I was to be looking. I should have trusted him. The focus went off what he was doing (which of course was my point and the source of my anger and frustration and rightly so) and back to me. This wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to be blamed for doing something wrong, he was the wrong doer and it made perfect sense to me but all it got me was more heartache.
First, by finding the evidence, whether it was porn or going out with "friends" or flat out cheating, I hurt myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me for putting up with this sort of behavior. I didn't understand why he would choose "them" over me, the person he loved and cared for. Second, I wasn't getting him to see my pain at all, I was just showing him my flaws and letting him point at them and tell me how terrible I was. I wanted to control his behavior because I just knew that if I could find a way to control this bad behavior of his, we could be happy.
It's only been three months and while I'm far, far from fixed. I'm proud of the progress I've made. To start I realize there was no "we" in our relationship, there was me and another body. To make it worse we were both ill. Not the scenario that I had in my mind where he was ill and I was well and he just couldn't get it right no matter how many times I told him how to do it.
After the realization that I was ill, I realized that I had to work on me, no more fixing for him. He had to do that part and I had to let it go. This was so, so, so hard for me, and it still is. Yet, working on this was a miracle for me, my attitude changed, I started to notice the how beautiful the roses in the yard were, how blessed I was to have wonderful, healthy and happy children. How loved I am by my friends. I realized how important it was to take care of myself, mind body and soul. Next, I started to feel my anxiety decrease, I had more energy and I felt the urge to look for the evidence less with each day I focused on me. It's not easy and I doubt it ever will be easy, but it's certainly less painful.
Today, I catch myself wondering about what he is doing sometimes, and yes, I have slipped and looked but I don't beat myself up I just let it go and move on. I have better things in life to do than to follow up on the whereabouts of a man. I love him and I probably always will, but will we always be together? That is not in my hands. Today we are together, it's not perfect and it never will be, he is who is and I love him for how hard he has tried to change, not necessarily for his successes with changing.
Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted you to know that focusing on ME and the behaviors I wanted to change for ME has resulted in progress, not perfection, just progress. The situation seems to play out differently for everyone but I understand your pain. Hang in there, take it easy, go slow, forgive yourself and take a baby step forward even if you don't think you can you'll be so surprised how strong you are.
Big hugs!
M
I was guilty of looking; no I should call it searching for the evidence. It wasn't very hard to find, he wasn't all that concerned with covering it up because then if he was confronted he could tell me how wrong I was to be looking. I should have trusted him. The focus went off what he was doing (which of course was my point and the source of my anger and frustration and rightly so) and back to me. This wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to be blamed for doing something wrong, he was the wrong doer and it made perfect sense to me but all it got me was more heartache.
First, by finding the evidence, whether it was porn or going out with "friends" or flat out cheating, I hurt myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me for putting up with this sort of behavior. I didn't understand why he would choose "them" over me, the person he loved and cared for. Second, I wasn't getting him to see my pain at all, I was just showing him my flaws and letting him point at them and tell me how terrible I was. I wanted to control his behavior because I just knew that if I could find a way to control this bad behavior of his, we could be happy.
It's only been three months and while I'm far, far from fixed. I'm proud of the progress I've made. To start I realize there was no "we" in our relationship, there was me and another body. To make it worse we were both ill. Not the scenario that I had in my mind where he was ill and I was well and he just couldn't get it right no matter how many times I told him how to do it.
After the realization that I was ill, I realized that I had to work on me, no more fixing for him. He had to do that part and I had to let it go. This was so, so, so hard for me, and it still is. Yet, working on this was a miracle for me, my attitude changed, I started to notice the how beautiful the roses in the yard were, how blessed I was to have wonderful, healthy and happy children. How loved I am by my friends. I realized how important it was to take care of myself, mind body and soul. Next, I started to feel my anxiety decrease, I had more energy and I felt the urge to look for the evidence less with each day I focused on me. It's not easy and I doubt it ever will be easy, but it's certainly less painful.
Today, I catch myself wondering about what he is doing sometimes, and yes, I have slipped and looked but I don't beat myself up I just let it go and move on. I have better things in life to do than to follow up on the whereabouts of a man. I love him and I probably always will, but will we always be together? That is not in my hands. Today we are together, it's not perfect and it never will be, he is who is and I love him for how hard he has tried to change, not necessarily for his successes with changing.
Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted you to know that focusing on ME and the behaviors I wanted to change for ME has resulted in progress, not perfection, just progress. The situation seems to play out differently for everyone but I understand your pain. Hang in there, take it easy, go slow, forgive yourself and take a baby step forward even if you don't think you can you'll be so surprised how strong you are.
Big hugs!
M
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by skyleh
.but there is comfort in knowing your not CRAZY and your not alone.
The hope that I am wrong, the self doubt but still knowing I am right.
The cross pull that can cause us to think we are crazy and imagine things that may not be or the denial of what is that we don't want to fully accept.
In part it could be a form of self preservation?
What it comes down to...why just working the steps can work and allow us freedom...
Does knowing change anything? Have we set boundaries and have they been crossed? Are we willing to hold fast to those boundaries and do what we say?
If not willing to hold fast to boundaries or if no boundaries are set...
knowing changes nothing.
If boundaries are set but the line has not been crossed... knowing changes nothing.
Work the steps
Keep self growing and healthy
The looking can and will drive us crazy if we let it.
Working the steps won't drive us crazy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
I'm with JessieandMe...in fact, last night, we took the kids out and had a great time, no drinking! I was so full of hope, as that is such a RARE occasion. Ofcouse, first thing when we get home, he gets a beer out and is acting kind of anxious. So, after tubs and bedtime hoopla, I come downstairs and finish up, then say I'm going to bed. Ofcourse, he doesn't say he is coming or anything, not unusual. so, then I am in bed and I hear the back gate open...long story short, I go back downstairs and catch him smoking pot in the garage. I knew it..I knew the minute I heard that gate open. I didn't have to go downstairs and see, but I just knew it - and like JessieAndMe said, it was just the 'proof' I needed to finally realize I'm not insane. I probably shouldn't have said anything last night, but I just couldn't take it anymore...I just calmly said that "this is over...thi stops". Then I walked inside and when he came in I told him that tomorrow I wanted him to leave. And the sad thing is that I did not have a sleepless night, no tears, no woe is me... oddly enough I've had a serene calm and hope for a brighter future. It will be no piece of cake, as I have 2 small children... and I know the tears and the 'did I do the right thing' are coming..but, for now - I'm just taking it one day at a time and standing beside my decision. Anyway, my point is - that's why I did it..just to be sure - and now I am.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Marcinor
First, by finding the evidence, whether it was porn or going out with "friends" or flat out cheating, I hurt myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me for putting up with this sort of behavior. I didn't understand why he would choose "them" over me, the person he loved and cared for. Second, I wasn't getting him to see my pain at all, I was just showing him my flaws and letting him point at them and tell me how terrible I was. I wanted to control his behavior because I just knew that if I could find a way to control this bad behavior of his, we could be happy.
It's only been three months and while I'm far, far from fixed. I'm proud of the progress I've made. To start I realize there was no "we" in our relationship, there was me and another body. To make it worse we were both ill. Not the scenario that I had in my mind where he was ill and I was well and he just couldn't get it right no matter how many times I told him how to do it.
It's only been three months and while I'm far, far from fixed. I'm proud of the progress I've made. To start I realize there was no "we" in our relationship, there was me and another body. To make it worse we were both ill. Not the scenario that I had in my mind where he was ill and I was well and he just couldn't get it right no matter how many times I told him how to do it.
I have done pretty good for these last 3 days...I did look at his email once on Friday...enough to know he has another email address...a hotmail account..oh yeah and he is getting personal matches mailed to him.....but I FEEL much better ...he's out right now...and I don't feel the stress...at least not to the anxiety level...Four weeks from today...I will be in a hotel somewhere..on my way back home.........Thank you again for your post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Peaches04
I'm with JessieandMe...in fact, last night, we took the kids out and had a great time, no drinking! I was so full of hope, as that is such a RARE occasion. Ofcouse, first thing when we get home, he gets a beer out and is acting kind of anxious. So, after tubs and bedtime hoopla, I come downstairs and finish up, then say I'm going to bed. Ofcourse, he doesn't say he is coming or anything, not unusual. so, then I am in bed and I hear the back gate open...long story short, I go back downstairs and catch him smoking pot in the garage. I knew it..I knew the minute I heard that gate open. I didn't have to go downstairs and see, but I just knew it - and like JessieAndMe said, it was just the 'proof' I needed to finally realize I'm not insane. I probably shouldn't have said anything last night, but I just couldn't take it anymore...I just calmly said that "this is over...thi stops". Then I walked inside and when he came in I told him that tomorrow I wanted him to leave. And the sad thing is that I did not have a sleepless night, no tears, no woe is me... oddly enough I've had a serene calm and hope for a brighter future. It will be no piece of cake, as I have 2 small children... and I know the tears and the 'did I do the right thing' are coming..but, for now - I'm just taking it one day at a time and standing beside my decision. Anyway, my point is - that's why I did it..just to be sure - and now I am.
When we used to go out as a family (rare because it took time away from drinking and smoking) we never really got to stay long...and he was always very tense till he could get him and take that first drink or that first puff of pot...yeah...we took the kids to the pool one evening..... 2 minutes from home...we are usually on there an hour or so anyway...and he said he was going to "run home for a shot"...I got mad...and we fought..quietly..I said what you can't wait till we get home...enjoy the pool with the kids and do without your pot and alcohol for an hour"...of course then I was the bad guy because I was still mad...he did not go so I should not be mad...whatever. Hang in there!!!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Sky
My wife bent over backwards. Kept quiet, walked on eggshells, did everything and anything I would ask as she tried to fix what I had broken. Still for all her efforts in the battle against my selfish nature I had built up to a very strong wall... Nothing she could have done or tried to do changed my behavior.
Nothing was good enough. I wanted more. I wanted what couldn't be given but still would demand it at times. Her fault Her fault Her fault became my words of quack quack quack to self to justify my every action.
Well it wasn't her fault. It was my inapropriate actions.
What her efforts have done... after I straightened up and learned to fly right... I have realized how much she tried, how much effort she put out and that has me more greatful for her and who she is. (after finding the solutions to me)
Till I was ready to fix me, I wasn't willing or in some cases able to see her goodness and love.
Please if you take nothing else away from your questions and searches... take this...
It is his shortcomings that need be fixed (by him) and Not you and it is Not your fault no matter how many times he tries to say it is.
My wife bent over backwards. Kept quiet, walked on eggshells, did everything and anything I would ask as she tried to fix what I had broken. Still for all her efforts in the battle against my selfish nature I had built up to a very strong wall... Nothing she could have done or tried to do changed my behavior.
Nothing was good enough. I wanted more. I wanted what couldn't be given but still would demand it at times. Her fault Her fault Her fault became my words of quack quack quack to self to justify my every action.
Well it wasn't her fault. It was my inapropriate actions.
What her efforts have done... after I straightened up and learned to fly right... I have realized how much she tried, how much effort she put out and that has me more greatful for her and who she is. (after finding the solutions to me)
Till I was ready to fix me, I wasn't willing or in some cases able to see her goodness and love.
Please if you take nothing else away from your questions and searches... take this...
It is his shortcomings that need be fixed (by him) and Not you and it is Not your fault no matter how many times he tries to say it is.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
You keep looking because you are sick of being deceived and him trying to make a fool of you. You want the truth. You might check out www.survivinginfidelity.com. My husband never cheated while drinking. He did it many years soober with a women in AA. This went on for years becaUSE I WAS LETTING GO AND NEVER QUESTIONED THE HUGE NUMBER OF MEETINGS HE WAS GOING TO. SO EASY TO CHEAT IF YOU ARE IN THE PROGRAM AND HAVE A WIFE WHO THINKS THAT AA IS GREAT..
Well I have wised up and will always do some checking. often I tell him I am checking when I am not. I do not want him to think I would ever be so stupid as to trust an alcoholic again- drunk or sober. dax
Well I have wised up and will always do some checking. often I tell him I am checking when I am not. I do not want him to think I would ever be so stupid as to trust an alcoholic again- drunk or sober. dax
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by best
Sky
My wife bent over backwards. Kept quiet, walked on eggshells, did everything and anything I would ask as she tried to fix what I had broken. Still for all her efforts in the battle against my selfish nature I had built up to a very strong wall... Nothing she could have done or tried to do changed my behavior.
Nothing was good enough. I wanted more. I wanted what couldn't be given but still would demand it at times. Her fault Her fault Her fault became my words of quack quack quack to self to justify my every action.
Well it wasn't her fault. It was my inapropriate actions.
What her efforts have done... after I straightened up and learned to fly right... I have realized how much she tried, how much effort she put out and that has me more greatful for her and who she is. (after finding the solutions to me)
Till I was ready to fix me, I wasn't willing or in some cases able to see her goodness and love.
Please if you take nothing else away from your questions and searches... take this...
It is his shortcomings that need be fixed (by him) and Not you and it is Not your fault no matter how many times he tries to say it is.
My wife bent over backwards. Kept quiet, walked on eggshells, did everything and anything I would ask as she tried to fix what I had broken. Still for all her efforts in the battle against my selfish nature I had built up to a very strong wall... Nothing she could have done or tried to do changed my behavior.
Nothing was good enough. I wanted more. I wanted what couldn't be given but still would demand it at times. Her fault Her fault Her fault became my words of quack quack quack to self to justify my every action.
Well it wasn't her fault. It was my inapropriate actions.
What her efforts have done... after I straightened up and learned to fly right... I have realized how much she tried, how much effort she put out and that has me more greatful for her and who she is. (after finding the solutions to me)
Till I was ready to fix me, I wasn't willing or in some cases able to see her goodness and love.
Please if you take nothing else away from your questions and searches... take this...
It is his shortcomings that need be fixed (by him) and Not you and it is Not your fault no matter how many times he tries to say it is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by dax
You keep looking because you are sick of being deceived and him trying to make a fool of you. You want the truth. You might check out www.survivinginfidelity.com. My husband never cheated while drinking. He did it many years soober with a women in AA. This went on for years becaUSE I WAS LETTING GO AND NEVER QUESTIONED THE HUGE NUMBER OF MEETINGS HE WAS GOING TO. SO EASY TO CHEAT IF YOU ARE IN THE PROGRAM AND HAVE A WIFE WHO THINKS THAT AA IS GREAT..
Well I have wised up and will always do some checking. often I tell him I am checking when I am not. I do not want him to think I would ever be so stupid as to trust an alcoholic again- drunk or sober. dax
Well I have wised up and will always do some checking. often I tell him I am checking when I am not. I do not want him to think I would ever be so stupid as to trust an alcoholic again- drunk or sober. dax
Thank you Dax...I am sorry to hear about your stuggles. It must be very difficult to move from drunkeness to sobriety and be faced with yet another struggle and situation. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I kept looking for evidence because I thought I wanted proof. This would be the BIG thing that would let me hate him and get out of this mess. It would be bad enough so that I wouldn't even have any feelings for him anymore and I would be FREE ! It would be the thing that I could point to and say "Look - you did this. I have proof. I don't feel guilty about leaving because it's all your fault."
Of course, everytime I found something, it continued to hurt. For some reason, it was never BIG enough. I continued to have feelings for him anyway. So, I kept on searching - sure that someday I would find hard evidence of the lies and the cheating and the sneaking around and that I would find out that he really was a horrible person. All of my love for him would disappear and it would be easy for me to get out of this.
The sad thing is, I knew all along. I didn't need evidence. If I had faith in my feelings and myself, that would be evidence enough.
JT is right - not all alcoholics cheat, live in strip bars, lie about other women, etc. I had to stop using alcohol as an excuse for any unsavory behavior. Sometimes, a person will just get away with anything they can get away with. Sometimes, it's just the man.
L
Of course, everytime I found something, it continued to hurt. For some reason, it was never BIG enough. I continued to have feelings for him anyway. So, I kept on searching - sure that someday I would find hard evidence of the lies and the cheating and the sneaking around and that I would find out that he really was a horrible person. All of my love for him would disappear and it would be easy for me to get out of this.
The sad thing is, I knew all along. I didn't need evidence. If I had faith in my feelings and myself, that would be evidence enough.
JT is right - not all alcoholics cheat, live in strip bars, lie about other women, etc. I had to stop using alcohol as an excuse for any unsavory behavior. Sometimes, a person will just get away with anything they can get away with. Sometimes, it's just the man.
L
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