Hi. I'm new and so very sad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Somewhere Texas
Posts: 5
Hi. I'm new and so very sad.
I am so glad I have found this site. I was browsing the web searching under "help my husband quit drinking".
My DH has been a heavy drinker for a long time. He was when I met him and that was something we did together. I used to always think that he could "just drink alot" because it really didn't seem to affect his personality that much...or so I thought. After we got married I stopped drinking. I could see changes in myself (I drank only on weekends, but it was enough) and I really began to think I had problems with alcohol (it made me mean and paranoid- not a good combo!) It was really not hard to stop at all and then I got pregnant right after that...life changed, we didn't go out like we used to, but DH was still drinking, by himself at his job (he is self-employed) This never really bothered me until our 3rd (and last) child was born and he seemed so distant. At that time I confronted him and he told me that he had no joy in his life and he couldn't even enjoy holding his new child. A few weeks later he came home from work one night crying and scared - it really freaked me out because I don't think I have ever seen him that emotional. He broke down and told me that he was drinking too much and he had to stop. To this day I do not know what it was that spooked him so...he has always down played it (as they always do after the fact). Anyway, I opened my arms to him - cryed with him, shared my own experience with stopping drinking, asked what I could do to help...he did ok for a while but then it all started over again, and again, and again, and again! My youngest child is now 3. Since this all happened we have been going through this cycle of sober - not sober and it is driving me crazy. I can tell when he is drinking because he distances himself from us and works all the time. I can tell by his non-caring attitude. I can just tell - I am an expert at this now for Heaven's sakes! Well over the last few weeks we started all over again with the "I have to stop drinking...I'm right back where I was" and I am just spent! In the last 4 weeks he has not gone over 5 days without drinking! He is always very honest about it and says he wants me to ask him every night but I am so tired of hearing "well...I had a few beers...I'm sorry" how many times do I have to hear this? I feel like he doesn't care at all about me or our kids otherwise he would stop already! I have told him 6 times "if you can't stop on your own this time you HAVE to get help" has he? NO! will he? NO!!!! I am just soooooo very frustrated! Words of wisdom??
My DH has been a heavy drinker for a long time. He was when I met him and that was something we did together. I used to always think that he could "just drink alot" because it really didn't seem to affect his personality that much...or so I thought. After we got married I stopped drinking. I could see changes in myself (I drank only on weekends, but it was enough) and I really began to think I had problems with alcohol (it made me mean and paranoid- not a good combo!) It was really not hard to stop at all and then I got pregnant right after that...life changed, we didn't go out like we used to, but DH was still drinking, by himself at his job (he is self-employed) This never really bothered me until our 3rd (and last) child was born and he seemed so distant. At that time I confronted him and he told me that he had no joy in his life and he couldn't even enjoy holding his new child. A few weeks later he came home from work one night crying and scared - it really freaked me out because I don't think I have ever seen him that emotional. He broke down and told me that he was drinking too much and he had to stop. To this day I do not know what it was that spooked him so...he has always down played it (as they always do after the fact). Anyway, I opened my arms to him - cryed with him, shared my own experience with stopping drinking, asked what I could do to help...he did ok for a while but then it all started over again, and again, and again, and again! My youngest child is now 3. Since this all happened we have been going through this cycle of sober - not sober and it is driving me crazy. I can tell when he is drinking because he distances himself from us and works all the time. I can tell by his non-caring attitude. I can just tell - I am an expert at this now for Heaven's sakes! Well over the last few weeks we started all over again with the "I have to stop drinking...I'm right back where I was" and I am just spent! In the last 4 weeks he has not gone over 5 days without drinking! He is always very honest about it and says he wants me to ask him every night but I am so tired of hearing "well...I had a few beers...I'm sorry" how many times do I have to hear this? I feel like he doesn't care at all about me or our kids otherwise he would stop already! I have told him 6 times "if you can't stop on your own this time you HAVE to get help" has he? NO! will he? NO!!!! I am just soooooo very frustrated! Words of wisdom??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi spokenfor. you are in the right place - so many of us have gone and are going through your frustration. I'm not the wisest yet, as I'm new to this also. I would recommend reading the book "Codependent No More" - it completely changed my life and got me reading alanon literature, and meetings, and here. You would not believe how much people on this sight can teach you, it's amazing. The truth is - there is no way YOU can do anything to help him, other than getting YOU taken care of. it will all make sense to you once you get the hang of it. Like I said, I'm new and have no great wisdom, other than I promise...you are in the right place. Keep your chin up!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Spokenfor - your situation sounds like my life. What I have learned since I began my recovery (codependant) is no matter how hard you try, how may times you ask, worry, beg, love, give - nothing will make him get better. He has an illness - It's called ALCOHOLISM (this is not an excuse either). Like all illnesses, HE has to get help. That's a decision only HE can make. His change has to come from within HIMSELF.
I too have cried with my AH. I stood beside him through everything. I sympathized with him, did everything to avoid causing him undo stress. I thought I could stop him for keep him from wanting to drink. Guess what, I was wrong.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said to him, "I don't know how much longer I can deal with your drinking." Or everytime I made an excuse for him, "He went to sleep" - when really he was passed out. Or everytime time he called me hateful names, treated me with disrespect. I could go on and on - Anyway, I'd be rich.
You need to start focusing on you. Figure out if this is the life you want to live. Do you want to live another 5 years like this?
No one wants to fall in love and get hurt/betrayed. We all want that perfect life. But there are many people out there like you and me, who don't get so lucky. We have to stand up for ourselves and make internal changes. We have to live for ourselves. This don't mean we don't love our AH, it just means, we need be able to live a normal life without their problem's affecting us.
I didn't quite understand any of this until I read a book "Co-Dependant No More" by Melody Beatie. That book is awesome (my bible). I honestly didn't think I was co-dependant until I read this and realized how much I could relate to what she was writing about. It was a huge awakening.
I still have a long way to go, maybe this book will help you as it has helped me. Good Luck and God Bless!
I too have cried with my AH. I stood beside him through everything. I sympathized with him, did everything to avoid causing him undo stress. I thought I could stop him for keep him from wanting to drink. Guess what, I was wrong.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said to him, "I don't know how much longer I can deal with your drinking." Or everytime I made an excuse for him, "He went to sleep" - when really he was passed out. Or everytime time he called me hateful names, treated me with disrespect. I could go on and on - Anyway, I'd be rich.
You need to start focusing on you. Figure out if this is the life you want to live. Do you want to live another 5 years like this?
No one wants to fall in love and get hurt/betrayed. We all want that perfect life. But there are many people out there like you and me, who don't get so lucky. We have to stand up for ourselves and make internal changes. We have to live for ourselves. This don't mean we don't love our AH, it just means, we need be able to live a normal life without their problem's affecting us.
I didn't quite understand any of this until I read a book "Co-Dependant No More" by Melody Beatie. That book is awesome (my bible). I honestly didn't think I was co-dependant until I read this and realized how much I could relate to what she was writing about. It was a huge awakening.
I still have a long way to go, maybe this book will help you as it has helped me. Good Luck and God Bless!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 24
I recently bought the book Codependent No More (as well as a few other books by Melodie Beattie). The lot of us sound like we are in the exact same position. I too have been on the sober/drunk roller coaster. My AH is on sobriety day number 4...again. Each time he sobers up, he cries some, apologizes to me a lot and swears this is it. Every time I believe his sincerity. I am afraid to give up on him. He has no one else. The guilt... My AH has moved out and he wants to come home (and I want him to come home!). Instead, I have asked to give me a few weeks to get myself together. I've only spoken to him once on the phone today and he sounded distant - which means he's probably started the psychological relapse. By the weekend he will be drunk, unless he gets honest with himself and seeks the help that he needs. I, as a true codie, know that he "needs" me to stay sober - that I need to worry about him, check up on him and spend time with him so that he doesn't relapse. Right now, I am focusing on not doing any of those things and trying to let God be in control. I'm still reading my books and I have lots to learn.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
spokenfor - what peaches says is 100% true! we've all been down this road somehow or another. my ah does the on again off again stuff and has for quite a while. trouble is, when he has gone off, he has bad withdrawal symptoms - seizures, etc. so i go thru the cycle of worying about that facet when he is off (crazy)!
this site and al-anon have helped me get rid of most of my anger and resentment andi am a newbie to al-alnon (2 months).
keep coming back and do read some of the things peaches suggested. i have GOT to get the codependent no more - i have heard too many good things about that book.
hugs and support - cwohio
this site and al-anon have helped me get rid of most of my anger and resentment andi am a newbie to al-alnon (2 months).
keep coming back and do read some of the things peaches suggested. i have GOT to get the codependent no more - i have heard too many good things about that book.
hugs and support - cwohio
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