1.5 years ago...vs tears of joy today
 

I truly hope that my message today comes across as inspirational and that someone gleans hope and a glimmer of faith from what I'm about to share.

Today, I was shedding happy tears. I was watching my bf's kids play with my son and the 5 of us (my bf, me, my son, and his 2 young girls) were just hanging out at his house as a family....which we tend to do often anyway. But, today my heart felt full. I finally felt certain that I knew I wanted to move in with him, that I finally believed it when he told me he loved me and that he means it when he texts me the same. Not that I didn't believe it, but I think I was blocking it because I just wasn't quite sure I could believe that I was lovable.....I knew I was lovable, I KNOW I deserve love, but something was holding me back. Yet, my heart was warmed when his 10 year old curled up with me when I was talking to her on her bed earlier and she just wanted a hug (she was stung by a bee earlier that day) and wanted to ask me what art projects we could do this weekend. I had tears in my eyes when I saw his 8 year old conspiring with my 17 year old on how they would sneak up on us while watching The Voice tonight. She engages him and he plays along and she says he's her buddy but that she still loves me, too. She is a pistol, but man, I'm crazy about all of them!

I finally texted my landlord to tell them we were planning on moving in together and that I didn't want to screw them or leave them hanging. I didn't know what to expect and told them I could finish up the lease if they needed me to. They were happy for me, they wished me well, they knew I would move on and said I was a fantastic tenant and just want to see us happy as a family. Aww....my heart melted a little bit more, you know?

But, 18 months ago I was moving out and leaving my 20 year marriage. I was unhealthy, having back pain and headaches, and stomach issues, and was jumpy and on edge. I had no job, a VERY angry, unstable, and emotionally abusive soon to be ex alcoholic husband, and hadn't even filed the divorce papers yet even though I had been emotionally removed from the marriage for many years and was in recovery for 3 years before I actually got off the dang fence and took the leap. I trusted that life would unfold as God deemed right for me. I had no idea what the next year and a half would hold.

That trust came from within. I had inner peace but man, did it come at a price. It meant I had to give up being a martyr, I had to let go of being a victim, I had to take responsibility for myself. And, the worst part was this lesson: I learned that I had to take myself with me....EVERY FREAKING place I went and every relationship I was in. I couldn't leave my dysfunctional self at the doorstep of my ex's house....I had to actually deal with myself and face my fears (which I still have to work on daily because it is who I am......I have fears that must always be talked down, readdressed, and unwound).

It has not been easy......I wish I could say that it was. And, some days I still want to go running for the hills and hide from myself, from my goddamn fears, and from my needy selfish ego. But, I don't. I stay, I work on myself, I pray, I go to meetings, I call my sponsor, I find serenity, and I accept that God has me right where he wants me.

Today, I am planning on moving in with my boyfriend: not because it helps me financially or because it's a beautiful brand new home.......but, because I love him and because the kids are ready and because my son is ready and because we are all excited to do this and we all love each other, too. I am on my second job and back in the financial services industry and I love it. I work with great people, love the team I am with and feel at home there.

I still have credit card debt, I still owe money on my car, and I am still dealing with the craziness from my ex. He is currently refusing to pay for my son's school expenses next year and I'm probably going to have to take him back to court. So, life may not be pretty. It's NEVER perfect and somedays I'm overwhelmed with grief for my son and what he has to deal with in regards to his father and it overpowers the peace and serenity I am blessed with......but that's OK....because I have learned that everything is temporary, that God can always be trusted, and that tomorrow is another day.

Hugs to everyone here!

This is wonderful xx

You deserve happiness because you were willing to work for it, and it's not all sunshine and flowers.

So happy to read this!!

I'm so glad you are doing well Liz!

Thank you for Sharing too as I think it will give others a lot of hope!

Liz,
I am so happy for you. I like your sentence that everything is temporary.

You sound so good!!

Hugs my friend, you are deserving of all of this!!

I've followed your story and so appreciate your ability to share your feelings as you navigated this difficult journey. I'm so happy that you are happy.

Happy for you, kiddo!! I'm so glad things are working out so great for you!

:grouphug:

Much love to you, my friend!

Thanks Lexie!!! Things are well......but thank god for my sponsor and Al Anon friends because if it wasn't for them, I'd still need to be talked down off a ledge every so often.

Fear has always been my biggest hurdle! Honestly, I think fear is where ALL my other negative feelings come from. If I get mad at my boyfriend for being insensitive, it's really because I'm afraid I'm not good enough for him or that I'm not measuring up to his standards.....when, really, he truly was just being an insensitive jerk and once I tell him he hurt my feelings, he usually looks shocked and rights his wrong. But, if I am in a place where I am hypersensitive, I stop and do that HALT thing from Al Anon and ask myself if my hurt feelings are justified. And, I try to think about the other person's perspective. I've learned to stop and think, to not react to every little slight against me, to not take things so personally.....but it hasn't been easy. I'm used to living with active alcoholism and was raised in this disease and it's dysfunction. My best learning experiences about who I am and how to face myself and my fears have come about because of this relationship with my bf. Facing MY neediness and exploring that topic through journaling and prayer and letting go and letting God take care of me instead of asking one man to meet all of my needs.....that was HUGE. I have no idea what the future holds and I am taking a leap of faith here once again by giving up my freedom and moving in with a man even though we aren't going to marry soon. Maybe that's a mistake, maybe it's the best decision I'll ever make....but I won't know unless I do it and just jump.

I love this,Liz! Just smiling so big for you :) God does know and we can trust in Him!

Beautiful words from a beautiful person-go on and JUMP!

Wow!!
 

Liz, I've been away for so long, and so much has happened in those 18 months! I'm quite happy for you, and your son. I was following your story for quite some time. The tone of your post is so much different and positive, and grounded - your journey has been rough, but obviously so good.

Take care, and congratulations on your recovery!

CODad

Liz, thanks for this post. I remember your struggles too and it's really great to see where your recovery travels have taken you. May your journey never end!

This post truly did provide hope for me. Thanks for sharing your journey thus far! Wishing you much happiness as you continue to move forward.

DUDE! Where have you been?? Please PM me and update me on what's going on with you. Thank you so much for your support and kind words!

Thanks for sharing, Liz! Great post. I'm so happy for you :)

Happy for you, Liz!

Lizatola you sound awesome! I am so happy for you!

Great post! Thanks for sharing. I'm so happy you're doing well.