Ugh...This is all still heartbreaking sometimes
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Oh, we touched on that during our conversation. There was a lot of quacking along the lines of "I'm successful at my job, I never miss work, I work hard, I took care of you and the kids when you were out of work." And I reminded him that he could say the same thing about his own father, and was THAT enough to make HIS father a good husband/partner?
STBXAH has a long history of thinking that I owe him something. And that the world owes him something. That also came up in our conversation. He actually admitted that he had felt that way during our marriage, and I told him that we just see marriage differently. He was always keeping track of who did what, and if it wasn't a direct financial contribution it didn't matter, and I was always indebted to him. I told him that I've never been interested in a relationship where everyone keeps some sort of relationship ledger, tracking emotional debits and credits to decide who is the better partner at any given time.
STBXAH has a long history of thinking that I owe him something. And that the world owes him something. That also came up in our conversation. He actually admitted that he had felt that way during our marriage, and I told him that we just see marriage differently. He was always keeping track of who did what, and if it wasn't a direct financial contribution it didn't matter, and I was always indebted to him. I told him that I've never been interested in a relationship where everyone keeps some sort of relationship ledger, tracking emotional debits and credits to decide who is the better partner at any given time.
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W-if it's any help, I understand your words and feelings-I too had the same conversations with my ex during our narriage about him being like his alcoholic abusive dad when he would claim to do all the things yours did-made it to work, etc. My ex also has multiple chips on his shoulder/would act like the life of the party and nice to everyone and then slam them all, even his best friends and family, when drunk at home. He felt like the entire world owed him something and that he was somehow unique in what he went through as a child-that made it easier for him to excuse his own abuse of me and the girls. He would bring up my sins from almost a decade ago to justify any current mistreatment and actions. When I put it into perspective of him treating me the way his mom was treated, he didn't like that bc momma was on a pedestal. So I didn't get even an ounce of respect or loyalty like she did. It was a losing battle from the start with that toxic family dysfunction and really sad to see. Even harder to live with it. The night I called the police on him he was screaming and slurring at me that I should thank him bc he had paid for my medical insurance for years and that I was worthless without my dad's money and didn't make enough money. To say it was pure projection and putting his dysfunction issues and low self esteem on me is putting it lightly. Geewhiz, I never asked him to thank me for carrying both of his kids and birthing them! He was always keeping score as well and I don't play like that as that's not love.
I still have compassion for my ex as well-but it's fleeting and getting smaller each day as mine continues to threaten and just be a plain old jacka$$. I have faith someday he will figure it out-I have to have that for my kids sake. But for mine? I'm with you, lady-that ship has sailed.
Just sending you hugs and prayers for peace through all of this.
I still have compassion for my ex as well-but it's fleeting and getting smaller each day as mine continues to threaten and just be a plain old jacka$$. I have faith someday he will figure it out-I have to have that for my kids sake. But for mine? I'm with you, lady-that ship has sailed.
Just sending you hugs and prayers for peace through all of this.
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Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
Today I told my STBXAH that I am seeing somebody, and that my gentleman friend and I are slowly starting the process of meeting each others' kids. STBXAH and I always agreed that we would give each other the opportunity to meet a romantic partner who will be spending time with our DS.
He was not happy about it, but that's his reaction and he is responsible for his reaction. This conversation was brief, and happened mid-afternoon. Around dinnertime, he texted me and asked me if I would come by to talk. I had to take my DD and her friend somewhere, so I stopped by STBXAH's place on the way.
He was, not surprisingly, very intoxicated. The whole thing was very reminiscent of our conversation on Christmas Eve. He was highly emotional and crying. This kind of behavior isn't much a part of his cycle; he is not an alcoholic who regularly bursts into tears and tries to manipulate in that manner.
I am very proud of how I handled everything today. I repeated my feelings on certain matters. I refused to answer questions about my relationship with my new gentleman friend, saying that nothing about that is STBXAH's business unless it has a direct impact on DS. While I'm proud of how I handled it, I am emotionally exhausted now. It is so grueling to watch that behavior. This is only the third time he has acted this way, and each time, it's hard because it is the only time he has ever given even the tiniest indication that he comprehends the damage his disease has done. I haven't cared for my own sake for a long time, but it breaks my heart for DS. His father will just continue to deteriorate, and while I know better than to pin my hopes STBXAH getting sober for my sake, I still get my hopes up for DS's sake.
After repeating myself again on my feelings on the end of our marriage, I told him I will not discuss these matters with him any more. I told him that for my own emotional well-being, I can't keep allowing myself to get sucked back into endless conversations about "what went wrong." I also told him (for the second time since I moved out) that should he ever choose to re-engage with AA, that I will be cheering him on from the sidelines and that I will be accommodating and flexible with regard to DS's schedule to maximize the number of meetings STBXAH can attend. Then I hugged him, and left.
Now I know I need to implement a firm boundary on this. I was not expecting a repeat of our Christmas Eve conversation, and so I never spent much time thinking about whether I needed some boundaries on this kind of thing. Clearly I do.
He was not happy about it, but that's his reaction and he is responsible for his reaction. This conversation was brief, and happened mid-afternoon. Around dinnertime, he texted me and asked me if I would come by to talk. I had to take my DD and her friend somewhere, so I stopped by STBXAH's place on the way.
He was, not surprisingly, very intoxicated. The whole thing was very reminiscent of our conversation on Christmas Eve. He was highly emotional and crying. This kind of behavior isn't much a part of his cycle; he is not an alcoholic who regularly bursts into tears and tries to manipulate in that manner.
I am very proud of how I handled everything today. I repeated my feelings on certain matters. I refused to answer questions about my relationship with my new gentleman friend, saying that nothing about that is STBXAH's business unless it has a direct impact on DS. While I'm proud of how I handled it, I am emotionally exhausted now. It is so grueling to watch that behavior. This is only the third time he has acted this way, and each time, it's hard because it is the only time he has ever given even the tiniest indication that he comprehends the damage his disease has done. I haven't cared for my own sake for a long time, but it breaks my heart for DS. His father will just continue to deteriorate, and while I know better than to pin my hopes STBXAH getting sober for my sake, I still get my hopes up for DS's sake.
After repeating myself again on my feelings on the end of our marriage, I told him I will not discuss these matters with him any more. I told him that for my own emotional well-being, I can't keep allowing myself to get sucked back into endless conversations about "what went wrong." I also told him (for the second time since I moved out) that should he ever choose to re-engage with AA, that I will be cheering him on from the sidelines and that I will be accommodating and flexible with regard to DS's schedule to maximize the number of meetings STBXAH can attend. Then I hugged him, and left.
Now I know I need to implement a firm boundary on this. I was not expecting a repeat of our Christmas Eve conversation, and so I never spent much time thinking about whether I needed some boundaries on this kind of thing. Clearly I do.
Hugs to you, stay strong.
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Originally Posted by Amms
I can only imagine how you feel about this, stay strong and keep boundaries in place. You say you think your STBXAH seems to be learning about the damage he has done but tbh I think he is just feeling sorry for himself, if he hasn't done the steps for himself and refuses to get help he is probably still thinking about himself, i doubt he is capable at this juncture of thinking about anyone else.
Hugs to you, stay strong.
Hugs to you, stay strong.
I also told him that I never doubt the sincerity of what he says in the moment he says it. But time and time again, the sincerity is short-lived, as are the promises.
The bottom line is that ALL of this came up once he found out I am seeing someone. To me that screams "my ego is bruised by the fact that you are seeing someone else," not "I have suddenly had an epiphany about how amazing you are and how much I messed up after YEARS of bad behavior, even though I'm still drinking and not working a program." Sorry...don't buy it for a second. IF he was working a program MAYBE I would have an easier time believing that his regret is sincere (not that it would matter...still not reconciling). But this is all about his ego, even if he thinks otherwise at this precise moment.
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Originally Posted by Wisconsin
The bottom line is that ALL of this came up once he found out I am seeing someone. To me that screams "my ego is bruised by the fact that you are seeing someone else," not "I have suddenly had an epiphany about how amazing you are and how much I messed up after YEARS of bad behavior, even though I'm still drinking and not working a program." Sorry...don't buy it for a second. IF he was working a program MAYBE I would have an easier time believing that his regret is sincere (not that it would matter...still not reconciling). But this is all about his ego, even if he thinks otherwise at this precise moment.
Hopefully he leaves you alone about it for a while now and maybe even finds something new to obsess about in the process!
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Wow - your X sounds very similar to mine - I just get the luxury of being able to block mine (no kids.)
Ugg - I'm sad you had to go through that, but I am in awe of your handling of it all.
Hope your x figures it our for himself and his kid....but I am SO GLAD you are happy, and your relationship with your Thursday man friend is growing!
Ugg - I'm sad you had to go through that, but I am in awe of your handling of it all.
Hope your x figures it our for himself and his kid....but I am SO GLAD you are happy, and your relationship with your Thursday man friend is growing!
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