Have I lost my mind?
 

Hi everyone. Well last night my lovely AH went to the loser neighbors and who knows when he came home. This morning it was "I make mistakes". Well I cannot handle his mistakes anymore. I threw away everything I have learned from here and blew up!! I told him I hated him for doing this to me and that I am thinking of moving out. He said he loves me and doesnt want that but like I told him..Im at the bottom of his priority list. Its ok for him to do whatever he wants and make all the F*** ups he wants and Im supposed to be right there and deal with it. He admits he has "a demon on his back" yet wont do Jack crap about it. I give and give and give and in the end I feel alone and like a piece of crap. Im sick of the drama. I know the man he is capable of being and at times is, but these binges are getting to be too much. He always talks about how great a job he has and blah blah blah. So I said you may do good at work and be a great success but as a husband you have failed. Mean Huh? I snapped!! I want to be in control and why am I the one who cries? Doesnt he feel pain from what he is doing to me? Im rambling but Im sooooooo hurt, mad and who knows what else. What do I do here? Move, stay, get over it? I dont know. Other than that Im having a great day.ha ha I hope you all are doing good!!! God Bless

In my post I wrote I wanted to be in control..that came out wrong. What I meant was I want to have control over my life and I feel it is slipping away from my constant dealings with this.

Wolflvr, I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. Like many others, here I feel the way you do too. We are all at the bottom of that priority list. It's a terrible place to be. But we are there because we allow ourselves to be there. We keep allowing ourselves to be walked over & stepped on. I know we do it because of the good times. We know what good people they can be, but we continue to forget what good people we are. That we deserve as much love as we are trying to hand out to our A's.

Obviously you are the only one who knows when enough is enough in your situation. Just know that we are all in the same boat here. Try to be firm and stand your ground only because you are worth it. You do what you think in your heart.

Good Luck!

Hi wolflvr.. go easy on yourself. What you did is reacted to an intolerable situation...I bet everyone has done it, and kicked ourselves for it later! Let it go.. forgive yourself. What has helped me recently is that I have really taken a step back, and NOT thought about him, and thought about what it is the I want. In fact, i wrote a post on it, but wont go into the detail. Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this, is that it helped me come to the same conclusion as I did when I was angry and resentful, but it was for a different reason. This time I realized that I might have to go, but it's not to punish or hurt him - it's for me. It's becuase i realize what I want - he can not give. Anyway, if I do decide to go (or make him go, as will be the case), I will have done it because of love for me and it has nothing to do with him, other than he can not give me what I need while he is drinking. I can let go in Peace...peace with myself at least, and that's all I care about now. Good luck to you - I hope this helps a little!

Thank you everyone for your posts. It helps me very much!!!!!!!!!! You all are the BEST!!

Wolfvr

I really feel for you. I find myself blowing up sometimes too, and even whilst I'm doing it, I know it's the wrong thing.

Hang in there.

Love

Minnie

wolflvr - i too understand - i was able to practice "the new me" last night. got home from work, ah was pretty looped, after awhile started the same quack, quack, quack - hurtful things and i just left and worked in my yard for a couple hours and sat on my back porch until i felt sure he had gone to bed and crapped out. i avoided what used to be a screamfest that usually lasted for hours and hours.

can't say this wil always happen because i am new to behaviors and am human but i will persevere and i am sure you will too.

hang in there - we love ya! cwohio

Wolflvr -

Saw this meditation and felt it was meant for you so I'm sending it out. You're getting there - somedays it will be easier than others (ain't it the truth)!

Petunia

************************************************** *****

Kindness and intelligence don't always deliver us from the pitfalls and traps.
--Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

Being human means we'll have hard times along with pleasant ones. Whether with friends, at school, or at home, we'll find reasons for sadness or anger as easily as for laughter. In every part of our lives, we're offered just what we need for growth.

Being the best we know how to be doesn't mean we'll escape confusion or pain. Through the troubling times we learn to trust in a Higher Power; we learn patience; we learn to let go and let God decide outcomes. The troubling times offer us growth and serenity, our keys to happiness.

What hidden gifts will I find in today's troubles?


From the book Today's Gift

(((wolflvr))) We've all been there and we've all had our meltdowns where we needed to have a good screaming fit - it's normal. Lighten up on yourself about you reacted. Sadly, there will probably be a next time, so you'll get another chance at it. (Sad, but true)
We all have felt at the bottom of the priority list, we've all had meltdowns that showed a not-so-pleasant side of ourselves, etc. I think it's all just part of life when you live with an addict.

Dont beat yourself up...we all have to blow up sometimes....I am leaving my AH and I blew up on him Saturday night..my HP tells me I need to go..I feel that it is the right thing to do...but it still hurts when he lies and only looks to his needs...he is seeing someone already...had sex with her friday night..how do I know...we work at the same place and I read his email..he doesn't know that i can and he just continues to lie...I make it easy for him to tell me the truth...but he lies and it hurts so bad... Saturday I just blew up...he has had emotional connections with so many women over the years..and has been emotionally absent and draining of me. I finally said enought is enough...but it still hurts...it will be better when I can get away from the daily influence of his alcoholic hold that he has on me...but know and trust that you are NOT alone and your HP will guide you and support you...just ask. Good luck.

Skyleh, I just wanted to wish you peace and strength when you leave your AH. I know every person has to work this huge decision out on their own, but I feel a huge relief for you that you may be getting out of this hell. I know..I know - I probably shouldn't say that...but, I do. I hope everything is 200% better for you, because you deserve it. Anyone who can put up with this crap deserves the best and more... Peace to you!

go to the top of the list
 

WHen I put myself at the top of ths list he got his walking papers!!!!!!!!!!!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Make yourself #1 .
You can not realize how wonderful it feels. :sly: :dance: :banana: