Ap052183

I've spent a year now in a depressed fog over a break up last April. I really thought I'd be in a better place after a year, but recent contact has really put me right back to where I was. I guess I'll have to explain the whole story in order to get good feedback.

My ex and I were only together for a year and a half, but it was the best and worst year and a half I ever had. When I met him it was literally like everything in my world was perfect. The stars had aligned. I had met the love of my life. He was absolutely everything I wanted, attractive, educated, unconditionally loving. I felt like he was the first person that ever truly loved me. He showered me with compliments and basically promised me the world. I now realize actions speak louder than words, but its a hard reality.

During our relationship there were a series of unfortunate circumstances. His grandmother and great grandmother died within two months, and he was taking a board exam and looking for a full time job in his field which was extremely difficult. I understood, he was stressed, but there were things that just weren't right. Pretty early in our relationship i had this feeling about him. I felt like i put this wall up. For some reason I couldn't be completely vulnerable. I felt like he was hiding things. I became extremely paranoid and i couldn't open up to him. Also early on here and there he would get too drunk and miss things like i'd come over to dinner to him hammered, or I'd ask him to visit my family with me and he'd sleep in and miss my calls. Also he was at the bar all the time and knew everyone there. The thing is that I'm a pretty social drinker, so I just shrugged it off. I never did those things, but I figured maybe I was just uptight. These things only happened once a month or so, so I figured it wasn't a problem.

Anyway, towards the end of the relationship his job concerns were getting serious and he was just a mess. He'd be on call at work and get hammered, giving medical advise while drinking. He stood me up on valentine's day and got drunk instead, and then the last straw was when i stayed the night at his place, at 11pm he left to get snacks, then never came back.

Ultimately we broke up. During the break up conversation I told him his drinking was a problem for me. He said "if its a problem for you its a problem for me." To me that scared me. I didn't know if should ask him to stop drinking, or persuade him to get help. I had asked him to see someone before but he never did. I felt this sense of responsibility. He had become suicidal, and I felt so overwhelmed

He asked to meet last summer then last minute decided it wouldn't solve anything. That really angered and hurt me. I assumed he cancelled to drink. Then periodically he'd text me random "happy new year" or something generic, i'm assuming in hopes I'd start conversation. Most recently he told me he's moving for a job. That's really destroyed me. He's manipulative and I get sucked into it.

So now he told me he found stuff at his apartment as he's packing and he's going to have a friend drop it off. I'm literally sick over it. I'm not better a year later than I was then. I'm beating myself up over not trying hard enough. Why didn't I just ask him to stop? Why didn't I ask to go to therapy together? He told me that i wouldn't let him love me, which may have been true. Maybe I'm too emotionally closed off? I've spent so much time in therapy, meetings, it just doesn't get better. I'm so brainwashed. I grew up with addicts, so I'm used to feeling responsible for other's feelings. I get its wrong, but what can't I move on and find someone that treats me well, doesn't just tell me they will?

I'm really feeling hopeless at this point.

Wisconsin

I think the first (and best) thing you can do for yourself is cut off all contact. Block his number on your phone. Block his emails. Block him on social media. No new contact = no new hurts.

If you feel like you truly haven't made any progress over the past year, perhaps it's time to try a new approach. Maybe a new therapist. Or perhaps a consultation with a psychiatrist, to see if there is an issue that may be improved with some medication. Many here will swear by the power of yoga, and meditation. The bottom line is that nothing changes if nothing changes. If you're still trying the same old strategies, maybe try changing the strategy.

MIRecovery

I'm sorry for the heart break.

Until an alcoholic quits drinking you are in a three way relationship. Alcohol will be #1, he will be #2 and you will be a distant 3rd.

It wasn't that I did love my wife, I did. But I loved Alcohol more than my own life. He may get better he may not but only he can make that decision.

atalose

There’s an old expression……………..
You can’t mourn the loss of the relationship if you are still dancing with the corps. His periodic contacts with you was like picking at the womb and scrapping the scab off. Having to heal all over again.

And that’s probably a pretty good reason why you’ve not moved on.

CodeJob

Hello dear one,

I think the key forward for you is to actually do some life reflection. You mention you grew up with addicts. You need to re-learn what normal is or you are going to keep finding these fellow sickly souls that suck you dry. Here you are a year out and still soul sick from this one relationship.

I highly recommend counseling for just yourself. Read up on the Adult Children of Alcoholics stuff (ACOA). There is a whole thread here to get you started with great links to the Laundry List and recommended books. If you can find a CODA or Al Anon meeting that specializes in ACOA issues, you need to give these options a try.

It is hard to reflect inwards, but any time and effort you put into yourself as a pet project will reap a lifetime of reward.

Peace.

TakingCharge999

When I finally arrived to the psychiatrist's office I wished I had gone 20 years ago. I would recommend a visit, perhaps just listening to another opinion of your situation can shift your perspective. Mourning a loss when I was depressed was impossible, now that I am in therapy for depression, I am mourning another loss, but I do not feel as bad as the last time when I had no help (I am going to Cognitive Therapy and taking meds under a psychiatrist's supervision).

Even if it feels like you are back to the beginning, I think that is not so, you have learned new things during this time... it is part of the process... you are not alone, and you don't have to deal with this alone. There are many ways to feel better and as the other posters say, the main thing is to keep seeking them and not be discouraged! There is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.

Hugs!!

AnvilheadII

I felt like he was the first person that ever truly loved me

but what can't I move on and find someone that treats me well, doesn't just tell me they will?


i think the above holds the combination to the lock that keeps you bound to him. because you believed he truly loved you, you handed over your self-worth and probably even part of your identity to HE WHO LOVES ME. and then found out the hard way, that he was a very faulty human who could not possibly come close to your expectations.

and even now, when you think of moving on, it comes with the hopes of finding HE WHO LOVES ME ver 2.0.

you need to learn to be absolutely ok as you are, as YOU at this very moment.

Ap052183

I want to thank everyone for their input. I was in therapy but my therapist actually told me that she felt I was ok to move on on my own. It was actually kind of a slap in the face. I've regressed since then. Its been a struggle to find low cost therapy as I'm a full time student and my insurance is terrible. I'm working on it. I was attending alanon, coda, and adult child meetings as well, but have since stopped. I guess that is an indication i need to be attending them indefinitely.

Wisconsin

Recovery is a life-long process. Hang in there.

Bekindalways

Hiya Ap, It took me about 2.5 years after my last contact with XABF to finally be okay. I hope it doesn't take that long for you but time does heal to a certain extent.

I think quite a few factors added to the length of time for me: I was super young. I had no support. I had very few tools, and finally I'm a chronic depressive.

I didn't know i was a depressive at the time. Eventually I was diagnosed and started taking meds. This didn't cure me but did take the edge off and made life less excruciating.

Looking into adult children of alcoholics and treatment for depression might be worth a try for you.

Bekindalways

Irk, I hear you on being able to afford therapy. Does your school offer it? A medical doc could prescribe you anti depressants if you were willing to give those a try; they don't work for everyone but for some of us they have been life savers.

TakingCharge999

"Never" is also a very long time! You do not know the future ..

Maybe start thinking "I would rather move on faster, but I AM moving on, I am healing and taking steps to heal. I can look forward to a great future with true love, joy and freedom"

That is what I am learning in Cognitive Therapy... to have thoughts that are closer to reality.

Hugs!

alcoholics wife

One step at a time! Consider yourself lucky. You left him for a reason...because he had hurt you too much due to his actions and behaviour. Do not allow the text messages here and there to suck you back in, they are just illusions of someone you wish he is...instead, all he is capable of is dragging you down.

It's great that you are getting help, keep working on yourself so that you don't get sucked into another relationship with another addict.

teatreeoil007

Hang in there. Some wounds take an awful long time to heal. As hard as it can be, no contact is probably the way to go. You don't need to be reminded of things you are trying your best to forget. And, you may never forget some things, true. But some memories can fade and you'll be able to find out you can carry on and live a happy life minus a relationship that hurt you so much. Sending you a healing hug.

teatreeoil007

As far as the therapist part of this....that it was okay to move on on your own:

That can be taken a few different ways. It may show a vote of confidence in YOU and that you made enough progress to be okay...I would reconsider if it was a slap in the face or not....

HOWEVER, if moving on without your therapist isn't working for you, don't hesitate to get back into therapy, but ALL means!

Personally, I am always a little leery of premature conclusions of therapy and it seems to ME, more often than not therapy is stopped before a person is truly ready.

Ap052183

You're right...she actually told me she felt confident in my ability to move forward. I think she wasn't very educated in substance abuse and codependency. She told me I'm not codependent because I left. I was thinking to myself....it doesn't mean I'm still not obsessing about it or that it won't happen again. Codependency doesn't just go away after a few months.

teatreeoil007

The decision to stop therapy can come from the patient or therapist or both ... It doesn't sound like you were ready ... Listen to your gut though... If it felt like a 'slap', maybe explore why...?

Bekindalways

^^^ This makes sense to me AP. In many ways, I wonder if I'm like a dry drunk. I left my qualifier almost immediately when he got into meth but I thought of him obsessively and decades later still struggle with boundaries and some childhood wounds.

alcoholics wife

I was with my AXBf who was also addicted to coke and gambling. I finally had left him because I had enough. So glad I did.... But... Now I'm married to another alcoholic... Go figure! Yup codependency doesn't just go away

teatreeoil007

Well, right on that co-dependency doesn't just end with physical leaving and/or new physical boundaries. If only that were the case! Good grief. Most of the recovery work for co-dependents is internal. Mental, emotional, psychological wounds from intimate relationships are wounds we carry with us and usually take a long time to heal. I've known many women; some in my own family- who left their painful marriages, but didn't get professional help for the aftermath and very much should have! It's a crucial time period in my book.