19, alcoholic dad. Please give advice
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
Welcome, and I am so very sorry for what brings you here. 
You've received a lot of great support and feedback, and I echo what everyone else has said. I wanted to add one thing, though, and it's in response to your statement above. Your father does not drink AT you or your mom. He doesn't do it with the intention or purpose of hurting you guys. In fact, his drinking is not about you guys at all. He is an alcoholic, and he is doing what alcoholics do. That was a very difficult concept for me to understand as I was learning about alcoholism.
Like you, my STBXAH is in an environment where virtually every body abuses drugs or alcohol. It's related to his job/career, not his culture, but the end result is the same. He is surrounded by it all the time, and that can make it even more difficult to quit and seek recovery. However, my STBXAH did have several solid years or recovery and sobriety, even amidst that environment. The responsibility for your father's drinking rests with your father, and your father alone. If he wants to get sober and seek recovery, he will find a way to do it regardless of cultural or environmental factors.
Just keep the focus on yourself. Your father will drink, or he won't. The question is, what are YOU going to do?
You've received a lot of great support and feedback, and I echo what everyone else has said. I wanted to add one thing, though, and it's in response to your statement above. Your father does not drink AT you or your mom. He doesn't do it with the intention or purpose of hurting you guys. In fact, his drinking is not about you guys at all. He is an alcoholic, and he is doing what alcoholics do. That was a very difficult concept for me to understand as I was learning about alcoholism.
Like you, my STBXAH is in an environment where virtually every body abuses drugs or alcohol. It's related to his job/career, not his culture, but the end result is the same. He is surrounded by it all the time, and that can make it even more difficult to quit and seek recovery. However, my STBXAH did have several solid years or recovery and sobriety, even amidst that environment. The responsibility for your father's drinking rests with your father, and your father alone. If he wants to get sober and seek recovery, he will find a way to do it regardless of cultural or environmental factors.
Just keep the focus on yourself. Your father will drink, or he won't. The question is, what are YOU going to do?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by INgal
Ndlc, my AlAnon group is not religious. Yes, there are references to "higher powers" but that can mean whatever you want it to mean. In a nutshell, the higher power thing is about knowing that YOU yourself cannot control what the alcoholic does, so therefore, focus on you and let it go. For me, the best part of th meetings is knowing these lovely people who are in exactly the same predicament I'm in and who understand. We share, but no one has to speak at all. It's so liberating and has helped me look at things in a different perspective. I had to try two different groups till I found a good fit. At 19, you could also try AlAnon. Find a group with younger people as well. Good luck!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hello daughter08, and pleased to "meet" you 
All the Al-anon / Alateen groups follow the same basic guidelines, which are designed to be as _inclusive_ as possible. People of _any_ religious affiliation, or of none, are welcome. However, each group is free to specialize as they see fit, which results in a _huge_ variation from one group to another. There are groups just for parents, others just for women, for people who are _not_ addicted to any chemical, for people who _are_ addicted to chemicals, and on and on.
The result is that there is no way of knowing what a group is like until you actually show up.
My suggestion is that you _carefuly_ shop around the al-anon groups in your area to see if there are any that are specifically for atheists. Or at least enough of a non-religious structure to meet your needs.
If there are no al-anon groups that are a good "fit" for you then go back to your therapist and have her get on the phone to other therapists in your area and either find you a group for atheists... or have her _start_ one.
Of course. A good way to "test" a group is to see how much pressure they put on you to share. A good group will be right up front and say that you do _not_ need to say _anything_ at all.
What a group can provide you is the opportunity to compare your experience and progress with other people who are dealing with much the same issues. In turn that can be hugely helpful in understanding just how _common_ it is to have a bucket load of feelings and reactions about this.
That is a good example of what a good group will clear up. The damage that is caused by alcoholism is _not_ about the things they do, the physical abuse, or emotional abuse. It's not about anything material.
The damage is caused by what is _missing_. It is the _absence_ of an adult role model in a child's life that causes the damage. The absence of a nurturing, supporting and loving environment.
The proof of that is in listening to people share in a group. People will come from incredibly different "dysfunctional families". From drug dealer parents, from gamblers, over-eaters, compulsive shoppers, sex addicts, etc. Yet these folks will all share the _same_ feelings, and the same _damage_ done to them as children.
So yes, the damage _is_ that bad when compared to other alcoholics.
That is another issue that a group can help with. If you lived in a normal, healthy family then the behaviors you have shared _would_ be immature. But you don't. You live in a _dysfunctional_ family. Those exact same behaviors are considered _survival_ mechanisms. What you are doing is expressing your anger, anger that you would be able to express in other ways in a normal family. In a group you would hear _everybody_ sharing that they do the exact same kind of behavior when trying to deal with "toxic" parents.
If _everybody_ in a toxic environment does it, then it's not "immature", it's "normal".
Am I making sense with that? It's hard to explain with just text on a screen.
Welcome again. I'm sorry that you felt the need to join us, but I'm glad we have been able to answer a few of your questions.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Originally Posted by daughter08
... isn't Alateen religious ? ...
The result is that there is no way of knowing what a group is like until you actually show up.
My suggestion is that you _carefuly_ shop around the al-anon groups in your area to see if there are any that are specifically for atheists. Or at least enough of a non-religious structure to meet your needs.
If there are no al-anon groups that are a good "fit" for you then go back to your therapist and have her get on the phone to other therapists in your area and either find you a group for atheists... or have her _start_ one.
Originally Posted by daughter08
... I'm still very uncomfortable discussing all of this...
Originally Posted by daughter08
... My therapist has recommended that I go to ...
Originally Posted by daughter08
... and have been made to feel like his habit is "not so bad" compared to other alcoholics...
The damage is caused by what is _missing_. It is the _absence_ of an adult role model in a child's life that causes the damage. The absence of a nurturing, supporting and loving environment.
The proof of that is in listening to people share in a group. People will come from incredibly different "dysfunctional families". From drug dealer parents, from gamblers, over-eaters, compulsive shoppers, sex addicts, etc. Yet these folks will all share the _same_ feelings, and the same _damage_ done to them as children.
So yes, the damage _is_ that bad when compared to other alcoholics.
Originally Posted by daughter08
... I react in immature ways and lash out at my dad because ...
If _everybody_ in a toxic environment does it, then it's not "immature", it's "normal".
Am I making sense with that? It's hard to explain with just text on a screen.
Welcome again. I'm sorry that you felt the need to join us, but I'm glad we have been able to answer a few of your questions.
Mike
Moderator, SR
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