Rough week
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Rough week
The last week has been rough to say the least.
Since I’ve blocked all means of communication with my XABF, the only way he has of communicating with me are the landline (from which I can’t blocked a number and that doesn’t even have caller ID) and showing up at my door.
It would appear that last Wednesday night, my XABF was in dire need of talking to me. He called the landline, I told him again that I didn’t want contact with him and hung up. He called back (well, I assume it was him) 5 minutes later, and I promptly unplugged the phone.
I’m sure he tried calling back many times and, when he realized I wouldn’t pick up, he felt that I might be more open listen to what he had to say and have a discussion with him if he showed up at my door at 11:30pm. He rang the bell 3 times before I finally lost my cool, barely opened the door and told him in no uncertain terms that he was to leave at once and never come back or he’d end up on the back seat of a police car.
To say that I was shaken would be an understatement. I didn’t sleep much that night and alternated between shaking and crying. Was he aggressive, violent or mean when he showed up at my door? Not at all. From the little I saw of him and the few words he had a chance to say, he seemed calm and collected. There’s no way for me to say if he was drunk, tipsy or stone cold sober. But it doesn’t matter.
I had two close male friends come over on Friday and Saturday for dinner and it helped me feel safer in my own home.
Sunday during the day, I noticed that he had left me a letter in the mail slot of the door. I know, I know, I should’ve just thrown it away, but I didn’t. I read it.
Basically, he was saying he was sorry for his behaviour on Wednesday, that his intent wasn’t to scare me or hurt me, he just wanted to let me know what was happening in his life. He said that he had found a job and had registered to go back to school, and that on Wednesday (today) he would be having his first appointment at the out-patient rehab (well, the approach there is harm reduction with the goal of eventually being sober). He also said that he would like it if we could take our time and slowly see if by his actions he can show me that there is hope.
At this point, all his actions are showing me is that the situation is still the same. Showing up at my door is not respecting boundaries and it’s certainly not respecting my wishes to be left in peace. I could go on and explain how his actions were wrong on so many levels, but I won’t as we’d still be here in a week.
However, I have to admit I feel vulnerable. The big, logical part of me knows that the words in his letter are just that, words. They are not actions. Today will be his first appointment at the center. The plan is not to get sober as he’s going with the harm reduction route. Sure, he’s got a new job, but how long will he keep it? He’s going back to school, good for him. To study what? No idea, he didn’t say in his letter. But according to previous discussions, I know he’s been wanting to go back to school to become a sommelier. Yup, sommelier, while trying to adopt the harm reduction method.
At this point, this is a whole lot of too little too late.
Yet I can’t help the fact that a little part of me is thinking that “it’s too little too soon”. And quite frankly, I hate that a part of me thinks that way.
I have been standing my ground and I plan on continuing to do so, but knowing that he’s now trying (or saying he’s trying) to get better is pure torture.
Since I’ve blocked all means of communication with my XABF, the only way he has of communicating with me are the landline (from which I can’t blocked a number and that doesn’t even have caller ID) and showing up at my door.
It would appear that last Wednesday night, my XABF was in dire need of talking to me. He called the landline, I told him again that I didn’t want contact with him and hung up. He called back (well, I assume it was him) 5 minutes later, and I promptly unplugged the phone.
I’m sure he tried calling back many times and, when he realized I wouldn’t pick up, he felt that I might be more open listen to what he had to say and have a discussion with him if he showed up at my door at 11:30pm. He rang the bell 3 times before I finally lost my cool, barely opened the door and told him in no uncertain terms that he was to leave at once and never come back or he’d end up on the back seat of a police car.
To say that I was shaken would be an understatement. I didn’t sleep much that night and alternated between shaking and crying. Was he aggressive, violent or mean when he showed up at my door? Not at all. From the little I saw of him and the few words he had a chance to say, he seemed calm and collected. There’s no way for me to say if he was drunk, tipsy or stone cold sober. But it doesn’t matter.
I had two close male friends come over on Friday and Saturday for dinner and it helped me feel safer in my own home.
Sunday during the day, I noticed that he had left me a letter in the mail slot of the door. I know, I know, I should’ve just thrown it away, but I didn’t. I read it.
Basically, he was saying he was sorry for his behaviour on Wednesday, that his intent wasn’t to scare me or hurt me, he just wanted to let me know what was happening in his life. He said that he had found a job and had registered to go back to school, and that on Wednesday (today) he would be having his first appointment at the out-patient rehab (well, the approach there is harm reduction with the goal of eventually being sober). He also said that he would like it if we could take our time and slowly see if by his actions he can show me that there is hope.
At this point, all his actions are showing me is that the situation is still the same. Showing up at my door is not respecting boundaries and it’s certainly not respecting my wishes to be left in peace. I could go on and explain how his actions were wrong on so many levels, but I won’t as we’d still be here in a week.
However, I have to admit I feel vulnerable. The big, logical part of me knows that the words in his letter are just that, words. They are not actions. Today will be his first appointment at the center. The plan is not to get sober as he’s going with the harm reduction route. Sure, he’s got a new job, but how long will he keep it? He’s going back to school, good for him. To study what? No idea, he didn’t say in his letter. But according to previous discussions, I know he’s been wanting to go back to school to become a sommelier. Yup, sommelier, while trying to adopt the harm reduction method.
At this point, this is a whole lot of too little too late.
Yet I can’t help the fact that a little part of me is thinking that “it’s too little too soon”. And quite frankly, I hate that a part of me thinks that way.
I have been standing my ground and I plan on continuing to do so, but knowing that he’s now trying (or saying he’s trying) to get better is pure torture.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If you keep your boundaries, truly, you won't know what he is up to. It's way way too soon for him to claim any healing of any kind.
Stay no contact. That means, no contact, don't read his letters. Don't respond. Eventually, he will stop, I promise. I hope for his own sake he does these things and gets well. However, the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. Sad, but true.
Hugs my friend. Put this focus on YOU, where it belongs.
Stay no contact. That means, no contact, don't read his letters. Don't respond. Eventually, he will stop, I promise. I hope for his own sake he does these things and gets well. However, the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. Sad, but true.
Hugs my friend. Put this focus on YOU, where it belongs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Even if he really is trying to get sober, who knows if it will last. Keep hanging in there, it's really, REALLY hard when they dangle that carrot in front of us, isn't it.
It is said here often that they (and often we too) need a year of recovery before they even start to know who they are. In my 1 experience with someone in recovery, it took over 2 years for them not to be SO crazy.
You do not have to tell him that - might just be good to keep in your mind "yeah, buddy...I'll humor you in a year or 2 when it is CLEAR that you are a different person. And I promise, it will be clear.
Hang in there, if you can manage no contact for 3 months or so, you will be in a very different place. You sounds like you are doing just fine.
It is said here often that they (and often we too) need a year of recovery before they even start to know who they are. In my 1 experience with someone in recovery, it took over 2 years for them not to be SO crazy.
You do not have to tell him that - might just be good to keep in your mind "yeah, buddy...I'll humor you in a year or 2 when it is CLEAR that you are a different person. And I promise, it will be clear.
Hang in there, if you can manage no contact for 3 months or so, you will be in a very different place. You sounds like you are doing just fine.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Oh Kata-I so feel for you! I've been there-I've been on the receiving end of "I'm going to change, I'm getting better, I'll do this and go to this, I'll start doing this.....". It was all BS. Each time I took him back it was me a few weeks later, "um, I thought you said you and I were going to attend Alanon together, I thought you were going to go to a counselor for your anger and mom issues, etc"....of course these things were promised to me as a "I swear I'm better than this-I'm going to get help".....and quickly dried up a few weeks (sometimes days ) after he came back. In fact if I asked what had happened (I.e. Why didn't you go to alanon last night? You said you were going to go...), well, I got my head bit off. It was a no win situation.
Right after I filed for divorce I received a letter from him in the mail telling me to not give up on him or us and that people can change-that I know people can change. I bought it hook line and sinker . Don't be stupid like I was.
Don't take his bait cans you'll see his true intentions. Maybe they are good and pure, but this wreaks of manipulation-he ain't healthy three days later!
Many hugs, friend. I've been there and you must keep your guard up!
Right after I filed for divorce I received a letter from him in the mail telling me to not give up on him or us and that people can change-that I know people can change. I bought it hook line and sinker . Don't be stupid like I was.
Don't take his bait cans you'll see his true intentions. Maybe they are good and pure, but this wreaks of manipulation-he ain't healthy three days later!
Many hugs, friend. I've been there and you must keep your guard up!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Honestly, anytime he shows up I would immediately call the police. You could keep records of how often he calls/shows up and then you can move for a restraining order against him.
I wouldn't read anything that he wrote to me, I wouldn't say anything to him once I realized it was him on the phone (In fact why don't you change your number so that he can't call your land line). Keep firm to your boundaries and do what is right for YOU. Realize that he is only quacking and talking to sound like he is doing amazing when really things are just the same as always, if not work.
Continue to work on yourself and DO NOT hesitate to call the police
HUGS
Adeline
I wouldn't read anything that he wrote to me, I wouldn't say anything to him once I realized it was him on the phone (In fact why don't you change your number so that he can't call your land line). Keep firm to your boundaries and do what is right for YOU. Realize that he is only quacking and talking to sound like he is doing amazing when really things are just the same as always, if not work.
Continue to work on yourself and DO NOT hesitate to call the police
HUGS
Adeline
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Thank you all for your feedback, it is truly appreciated.
hopeful4: I shouldn't have read the letter. I know that. I could make excuses, but there are none. I wanted to know what he had to say. I was sorry I did the minute I was done reading it.
firebolt: it is pure torture that he's dangling that damn carrot. Pure torture. But I will not give in. If he truly does what he says, then I'll be truly happy for him, but not with him.
Fourourgirls: I know he means part of what he wrote. At least, he means it now. But I know he's also trying to manipulating me into contacting him. He says he's found a job, but he doesn't say where or what it is. He says he's going back to school, and again he offers no more information. It's just a way for him to push me to contact him.
Dandylion: Exactly. I've heard all those promises before. The school part and the getting treatment are new. But really, it's just a new twist on an old song.
Adeline: I wish I could change that number but I can't. It's a bit complicated, but it's my parents number. To make a short story, my parents are retired and have one duplex in the city and one home in the country. The spend all their time in the country and come in the city about 2 days a month to go to the theater or to some appointments. When I moved back to the city, the insisted I stay there. This way, I get a place in the best neighborhood in the city, and they get someone to take care of it and pay the electricity bill. I tried leaving, but they kept on insisting. So yup, I'm 33 years old and "living" with my parents (who are letting take over their house and are only keeping a small room).
And rest assured that I will not hesitate to call the police. I am also keeping a record of everything.
hopeful4: I shouldn't have read the letter. I know that. I could make excuses, but there are none. I wanted to know what he had to say. I was sorry I did the minute I was done reading it.
firebolt: it is pure torture that he's dangling that damn carrot. Pure torture. But I will not give in. If he truly does what he says, then I'll be truly happy for him, but not with him.
Fourourgirls: I know he means part of what he wrote. At least, he means it now. But I know he's also trying to manipulating me into contacting him. He says he's found a job, but he doesn't say where or what it is. He says he's going back to school, and again he offers no more information. It's just a way for him to push me to contact him.
Dandylion: Exactly. I've heard all those promises before. The school part and the getting treatment are new. But really, it's just a new twist on an old song.
Adeline: I wish I could change that number but I can't. It's a bit complicated, but it's my parents number. To make a short story, my parents are retired and have one duplex in the city and one home in the country. The spend all their time in the country and come in the city about 2 days a month to go to the theater or to some appointments. When I moved back to the city, the insisted I stay there. This way, I get a place in the best neighborhood in the city, and they get someone to take care of it and pay the electricity bill. I tried leaving, but they kept on insisting. So yup, I'm 33 years old and "living" with my parents (who are letting take over their house and are only keeping a small room).
And rest assured that I will not hesitate to call the police. I am also keeping a record of everything.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by Kata 
He called the landline, I told him again that I didn’t want contact with him and hung up.
He called back (well, I assume it was him) 5 minutes later
he felt that I might be more open listen to what he had to say and have a discussion with him if he showed up at my door at 11:30pm. He rang the bell 3 times
Sunday during the day, I noticed that he had left me a letter in the mail slot of the door.
He also said that he would like it if we could take our time and slowly see if by his actions he can show me that there is hope.
He called back (well, I assume it was him) 5 minutes later
he felt that I might be more open listen to what he had to say and have a discussion with him if he showed up at my door at 11:30pm. He rang the bell 3 times
Sunday during the day, I noticed that he had left me a letter in the mail slot of the door.
He also said that he would like it if we could take our time and slowly see if by his actions he can show me that there is hope.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Kata-I too thought my ex loved me and wanted to be a good person. Until I decided I didn't believe his words and went forward with the divirce. He didn't love me after that. He has threatened, stalked, abused, etc since that day. Still does. Not love at all. Just possessions to him to treat like dirt bc his words were hollow. Pure control. That is not love. I'm not saying your guy is like this-just caution, please.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Swear out a Do Not Trespass order on him. He will be served that, and would be stupid to show up at your door again.
Generally they are easy to get, don't require money or court proceedings. You are allowed to post a No Trespass order for your own property.
And he will be arrested if he violates it.
Generally they are easy to get, don't require money or court proceedings. You are allowed to post a No Trespass order for your own property.
And he will be arrested if he violates it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
[QUOTE=Kata;5915392] So yup, I'm 33 years old and "living" with my parents (who are letting take over their house and are only keeping a small room). **/QUOTE]
At any age that is a pretty sweet deal and I know lots that would envy it. I could put up with living with my mom 2 days a month for that lol
On a more serious note is that if you can't change the phone number, getting a restraining order would prohibit him from calling or else he will be violating the order. In most states to at least get a temporary restraining order you don't need to show much and most chances are once he tried to violate it once and ends up in jail he should back off.
At any age that is a pretty sweet deal and I know lots that would envy it. I could put up with living with my mom 2 days a month for that lol
On a more serious note is that if you can't change the phone number, getting a restraining order would prohibit him from calling or else he will be violating the order. In most states to at least get a temporary restraining order you don't need to show much and most chances are once he tried to violate it once and ends up in jail he should back off.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Thomas45
He disrespected and ignored your clearly stated wishes 3 times (edit: 4 times), and somehow that's supposed to show that there's hope for a positive relationship? He's trying to break down your boundaries and get his way to make *him* feel better about himself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Kata-I too thought my ex loved me and wanted to be a good person. Until I decided I didn't believe his words and went forward with the divirce. He didn't love me after that. He has threatened, stalked, abused, etc since that day. Still does. Not love at all. Just possessions to him to treat like dirt bc his words were hollow. Pure control. That is not love. I'm not saying your guy is like this-just caution, please.
I don't know if he's like that. But, i'm not willing to take the chance that he isn't.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
Swear out a Do Not Trespass order on him. He will be served that, and would be stupid to show up at your door again. Generally they are easy to get, don't require money or court proceedings. You are allowed to post a No Trespass order for your own property. And he will be arrested if he violates it.
I did call the station regarding my XABF and what would be required for a Restricting Order. I'm now keeping a file of everything, and If I have to call the Police because he shows up at my door in the middle of the night, then I'll move forward with it. But believe me, it's not an easy process. Actually, before I can get one, I'll have to press charges for harassement. With the way our legal system works here, the police would then have to determine if there is enough recommand the charges to the prosecutor, the prosecutor would then analyse it and decide if there's enough to move forward or not. If they decide they are, I could then be granted a temporary restricting order... It's a long process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by bluelily
Really, how can a sommelier pretend to be sober? Incredible. This should help you see this letter for what it is - pure quacking! Stay strong and rational, Kata, and you shouldn´t feel vulnerable to his "tempting".
Am I happy for him that he's willing to get help for the first time? Yes. Does it change anything? No.
My XABF is a high-end waiter. It's his career. Unefortunately, alcohol and drug abuse problems are rampant in restaurant staff. Alcohol and drug use are part of the "culture" in that field of work. What "normal people" see as heaving drinker are just your garden variety restaurant staff in that field. What I would consider a rough night of partying is their normal Tuesday night!
So no, I don't think he'll get sober, and I don't think the harm reduction route will work. It would mean he would have to change career and cut off contact with everyone he knows. I really don't think he's even close to entertaining that thought.
The only hope I have is that the center doesn't only focus on the alcohol or drug use. They help patients with any legal matter they may have, they help them with their work or career situation and will guide and help them in the process of switching career if need be. The also address any "mental problems" they might have and have psychologist and psychiatrist on staff.
When my XABF did is intake interview, he did mention that he has suspected for a long time that he might suffer from ADHD and, if he can cut down is alcohol enough, they will start the diagnosis process with him. As my therapist has put it, the center is not really a rehabilitation center, but more of an "habilitation" center in the sense that it focusses on the patient as a whole, not just on the substance abuse problem. So, my hope is that it will help in a bit, that he'll get a better sense of his situation. However, I don't think it will be enough. It don't think it'll get him sober.
He started the admission process last November (as any good codie, I was the one to suggest that place) and we had a chance to talk about it on a few occasions. Honestly, The man has never worked on himself before, and I really don't think he understands the magnitude of the work involved. I don't believe he has it in him at the moment to do all the work. I think it will prove to hard.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by Kata
I live in Canada, in Quebec to be more precise. I'm pretty sure that I cannot get a Do not trespass order because he showed up at my door.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Thomas45
Not sure about Quebec, but here in BC there is an offense called "Assault by Trespass." If you've notified somebody that they are not welcome on your private property and they do not leave the premises, they can be arrested and charged with assault by trespass. Ask your police station if that's a thing over there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Kata
Do you know if it's Common Law or Criminal law? If it's the domain of Common Law, it won't be the same at all.
As I said, last time I called the station, it all seem complicated. However, the did assure me that harrassment charges or not, if he does ring the damn doorbell at night again, I only have to call 911 and they'll be happy to take him of my hands and offer him a comfy seat on the back seat of their cruiser.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
