ajarlson

I stumbled across this fantastic article the other day and, even though it's not necessarily written for someone dealing with an alcoholic, I think we all know that alcohol exacerbates these situations. This article could have been written by me, except for the financial situation. I was lucky and fell into a career that I was good at and pays well. However, even with that, it took me years to create and execute an exit plan I felt was safe for me and my children, even though there was only one incident of intentional physical abuse in my whole 25 year marriage (there were 'accidents' every now and then and sometimes things being thrown that were quite close to hitting me).
I have been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, and 4 years after leaving him I still deal with it although it's slowly getting better.
Posting because if it helps even one person see what's happening earlier rather than later... then it was a good thing to post.

You Can Get PTSD From Staying In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship | PTSDJournal

Magichappens

My father was the abuser. Thanks for this post. I am just now starting to recover from these things.

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordp...-a-narcissist/

Liveitwell

This is so very true-and important to understand. I wish I had read this kind of thing many many years ago. Thank you for posting

amy55

I was also diagnosed with c-ptsd, anxiety, panic attacks, and situational depression.

I was married for 27 years, and lived with him for 25 years.

It's when you walk on eggshells, having to think carefully about everything you say, before saying it, and you still get it wrong. It's not ever knowing what to expect. I could go on and on here, but yes, you can get PTSD from an emotionally abusive relationship.

BTW, welcome back. I remember you.

((((((hugs))))))

amy

ajarlson

The last line brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.
"I stayed because I was more afraid to leave."
And there were so many reasons I was afraid to leave. Please if you can relate to this, get to a counselor, start making a plan. I found that once I made the plan I finally had hope even though the plan was years away.
There is help, and there is hope.

Magichappens

AJ,
That is my mom. He left her twice and she went back. I couldn't understand for years why. Thank God I was able to get away and not repeat the cycle.

healthyagain

Absolutely and unfortunately, YES! And it is very very insidious. A war is a war, and you know who your enemy is. But when your husband is your greatest enemy, and you do not even know it . . . it is devastating.

I cannot make myself walk into a liquor store. I cannot buy beer in a grocery store. Which is funny. Growing up, my parents always had 2 to 3 gallons of different alcoholic drinks: brandy, wine, stuff that my grandmother would make, cherry brandy we called it, champagne, you name it. And all that alcohol would last for years, bottles only opened on special occasions, for guests. Right now, I do not have a drop of alcohol in my home. Not even rubbing alcohol. Not even alcohol-containing mouthwash.

And dating again is going to be a nightmare. Because I do not trust men. I do not trust my own judgement.

I left because I would rather die than be around that thing, my ex and his bottle.

teatreeoil007

The range and extent of emotional abuse can be quite broad. It can be anything from being told your feelings aren't important to your feelings just don't really matter and then becoming AFRAID to express your feelings, etc. Being told, "Stop your crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"...it can also include passive-aggressiveness, overbearingness, being controlled. It can be being told you'll never amount to much to there's no hope for you to getting messages that you are a failure, a bad person, stupid, and the list goes on and on and on. Some parents are real good at mainly pointing out our faults & where we need to do better rather than encouraging their kids to simply let their light shine as the beautiful person they are...My mom NEVER told me I was pretty, never encouraged me to "look good." Thank goodness I had an older sister who did that though, as it really boosted my self esteem. Thank goodness I had a fairly positive experience with my peers growing up...and I'm thankful for friends and relatives who loved me just for being me; not some home improvement project! Really, I'm not saying my parents didn't love me; I KNEW they did; they told me they did; they showed love and affection; they took care of me. It's just that they could have been a LOT more positive. Does that constitute as 'emotional abuse'? I'm not really sure..It's not just parents, however that can be emotionally abusive; it's co-workers, bosses; it can even be your own children,etc.

I'm really very grateful for many things....including wonderful mentors in my life who have been healthy influences.

teatreeoil007

Perhaps the most COMMON form of emotional abuse is also the most SUBTLE form(s). Subtle put-downs. Back-handed compliments, etc. And then sometimes people just say mean things to you about yourself, but they don't directly tell you WHY or the REASON behind it. Like, if someone were to tell me, "I feel sorry for your husband", and it's pretty clear they feel sorry for your husband because of YOU, they could at least tell you WHY they feel sorry for your husband and WHERE a comment like that is coming from. But, the DIRECT approach REQUIRES more HONESTY, doesn't it? And, many people are somehow afraid to be open and honest and state the true source of the mean comment...maybe they don't want to reveal that 'source'. Anyhow, it is sometimes scary, but also liberating when you can pull someone aside and state plainly how you honestly feel and WHY you feel that way. If there is no basis of fact for them feeling that way, at least it gives you an opportunity to get it clarified. Anyways, I don't know if this is making sense or not. I have numerous thoughts on emotional abuse; been a witness to it frequently and hey, I was a cheerleader once and let me tell you, cheerleaders can be some of the meanest girls there are. Lesson learned! Well, bullying is emotional abuse too....

dandylion

Well said, teatreeoil....!!

dandylion

Liveitwell

Story of my life....grew up with this with my alcoholic dad and emotionally void and cold codependent mother. Then got to marry into an abusive family-verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. The emotional was by far the worst at times-the emotional
Abuse and manipulation and trangulatiom by his sister to try and make me feel bad (to make herself feel better?!) about my engagement ring, our wedding and my first pregnancy-only the three most important things and times in my life! There she was verbally and emotionally abusing me. I don't miss the drunk put downs, the drunk "you're never going to amount to anything", "I wish you loved me like my mom does", etc, etc-those are the nice ones I heard. Then there was the passive aggressiveness, the silent treatment for days at times, the purposely not coming home or turning off his phone when he said he would be somewhere, etc. I could go on and on. And there I was always lifting him up-telling him I supported him - telling him he was better than what he was and how he was acting-trying to help him while he tore me apart. The abuse after the divorce has been far worse. PTSD is very accurate.

This thread and subject is a trigger for me so I'm going to hop off, but it's good info to know. It makes me sick how much abuse I put up with and what my kids went through.

This stuff is abuse and it can wreck your self esteem, your heart, your children's innocence. It's beyond awful-and all we can do is get better at boundaries and not letting toxic addicted people in our lives!

MsGreenJeans

I had had many years of therapy to recover from childhood abuse-related PTSD. I had a relapse when XABF had a raging relapse. Horrible! He got sober for 1.5 yrs before a second relapse. Decided I could not risk my mental health again and went no contact. That was last September. I hope to never see him again. I put 3000 miles between us. Starting to consider dating again. Scared about that. Trust won't come easy.