Saint Francis

It’s been a long time since I posted. Why do I still feel so horrible? I think I did what I was supposed to for myself and detaching, but I can’t get past this sick and sad feeling.

I’ve been separated almost a year from AH. After his 4th stint at rehab, there was no choice. He wanted to continue drinking so he bought a trailer where he can do it 24/7 in peace. I detached as best I could but I can’t be heartless either. I set him up with Meals on Wheels and bring the dog over for him, so I see him twice a week. He can’t walk, even with a walker now. His brain and balance are likely permanently shot. He can’t write, he shakes with the cell phone. Someone at the park is bringing beer to him every day, which is all he wants. He now forgoes putting on any pants at all and just “wears” a blanket which makes it quicker to pee in a urinal jug, which when full, he dumps into a bucket for someone to empty. His license is suspended for playing bumper cars in November (and leaving). They caught him redhanded with the beer in his car, car running, but just gave him a careless driving citation. Even they didn’t want to take care of him in jail with all his handicaps so they didn’t arrest him. My divorce lawyer even said to just wait it out and wait for him to die. It’s just so hard that anyone would choose this life/death rather than have a life with me. And my heart keeps breaking...

I’m grieving this, and both of my parents died last year. I have no family around and only few friends. But everyone has their own lives. I feel very alone. Even those in Al anon wouldn’t understand just how sad I’ve become. No one there is experiencing watching an alcoholic die; they are only experiencing my frustrations from 15 years ago wanting to help the alcoholic and holding on to hope. They have families to turn to. I try every day to be social, be friendly, go out, help people, volunteer, etc. Few people know the totality of my situation because I’m trying to be positive. But deep down I’m just sad.

People say here and other places, “It gets better.” Does it?

hopeful4

I am so so sorry for what you are going through, and the loss of your parents as well. It's tragic to watch someone just give up.

Have you thought about grief counseling? I know my church does grief counseling, as well as the local therapist office. I know a couple of people who it has helped immensely.

Keep posting here. SR is here to support and listen to you. Provide you encouragement. To let you know, you are not alone, no matter what!

Many, many hugs to you.

SparkleKitty

My friend, I don't know how anyone could watch the decomposition of a human life the way you are without feeling intensely sad. I do believe it will get better, but I fear that might only be able to happen when the wound is not being reopened on a weekly basis.

I will second Hopeful's suggestions of grief counseling and of continuing to visit here and post. I believe there are many newcomers to this board that would greatly benefit from your experience.

AnvilheadII

i can't imagine ANYONE witnessing your ex's current state without feeling sad, desolate and depressed! and you are doing this twice a week! it may be in your own best interests to start weaning OFF these visits, and working to regain more of your OWN life, not that of a late stage alcoholic who can't even empty his own pee bucket.........he is NOT without resources and is NOT without other people attending to him. you don't have to watch until the disease claims him body and soul. it might be your best interests NOT to do so.......

Hawkeye13

I agree--please step back for your own sake.
He chose this, but you don't have to witness it.

CaveGirl

Oh sweetie. I had to walk away from a really close friend because I couldn't watch her drink herself to death, which she eventually did. It was horrible. And she wasn't my husband... I can't even imagine what you are going through. I fully get the wanting to help thing, maybe start with only visiting once a week and using the other visit time to go to a meetup. (They have been great for me to make myself go out...not always "my people" but an easy way to be social in a new town).

Try to take care of yourself and separate as much as you can. I fully understand the guilt and pain, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Keep posting here we love you!

firebolt

This is heartbreaking - of course you are sad.

Hun, he can't even chose a healthy life for himself, there's no way he can choose you over alcohol. THe most painful lesson to me about this disease is that it has nothing to do with love - not even the love of alcohol. It only has to do with the hatred of self, and that is very sad.

PLease stick around here, and reach out to your friends. We all care.

Saint Francis

Update: Ambulance took him to ER this morning. A neighbor called it in. I heard because Meals on Wheels called me. I tried to get info from Dr. but he wouldn't tell me why, just that he would be admitted for at least 2 days. He said I could call his room later that day as AH wasn't able to talk. (so it was alcohol for sure) Actually, I'm relieved that this was the shoe I was waiting to drop. I feel better now that others can deal with this and I get a guilt-free break. Thanks for your support when I'm at my lowest. Yes, I need to back away and also deal with my grief.

CaveGirl

So awful. Take good care of yourself.

maia1234

SF-
I am so sorry for your pain. I am just sending you hugs my friend. We understand!!

firebolt

(((SF))) Hugs to you.

tigerlily1

Just wanted to send you a hug and say I am so sorry for what you are going through! Please take care of yourself and maybe now he is in hospital focus more on you and less on him. As others have suggested, grief counselling sounds like something to look into.