SoberForeverNow

Hi everyone,

I have been in the best relationship of my life for the past almost 2 years. I want to marry this man. I envision a happy, healthy, sober future for us together. We really love each other, and we are so good together-- and to each other. Apart from my drinking, which doesn't always happen, but it does happen sometimes.

So within a couple months of us getting together, my best friend suddenly died. It put a lot of strain on our relationship, my grieving. And I went off the deep end. I started drinking more. I tried to stop but it became a problem. It wasn't like I was drinking every day-- I'd go weeks on end-- but if I had a drink, I would usually end up getting sloppy.

He asked me not to bring alcohol into his house anymore, so I never brought alcohol into his house again. He set that boundary, and I respected it 100%. I didn't even go out to bars or anything. We would have maybe 2 beers together going out, but that's it. I never came home drunk. I respect that boundary.

I'm not the kind of alcoholic who 'needs' to drink every day. Sometimes I just get too drunk, and it really upsets him. Which is completely understandable. I have been the other party in this kind of situation, but those partners never respected my boundaries and would come home blacked out drunk. I've conveyed to him that I am 100% ready to change. I really don't want to lose him.

As we've discussed repeatedly, is the ONLY issue in our relationship. It is AMAZING otherwise. We are so compatible, and so good together. I am not abusive. He tells me I can be a little too aggressive sometimes when I've been drinking, but I am not an angry drunk. I used to drink socially and would be happy, but this grief has changed my relationship with alcohol. I never, ever take my pain out on him. I've been taking it out on myself, and I know it needs to stop. So it's stopped. The end. (PS I am on Day 3 of my sobriety.)

I never intend to get so drunk so easily. I've tried so hard to keep it under control. I have a VERY low tolerance and I have accepted that I can never drink again. I am deadly serious about this. I will never drink again, and nothing can change that. I have told him this. I started AA and he was supportive of that. I'm going to be going to AA every day. I am in therapy, I'm trying so hard to get better, and I don't want to be like this. I don't want to hurt him or our relationship. I went off the deep end when my best friend died, and the binges got worse (especially on days like her birthday.)

He has been super supportive of my grieving, but all about tough love on the drinking. Which I respect and LOVE about him!

But I see a future of recovery and healing. I see myself getting better, becoming my real self again, sober, confident, happy. The person he originally fell in love with.

So recently he has started therapy and Al-Anon. I can support that. I can see how he would need that kind of support.

Now, he's decided he needs "space" and "to be alone for awhile." He got really mad at me one day for having one beer and left, and now he won't talk to me. This is not normal behavior for him. But I know he's either a) detatching and setting boundaries, or b) maybe he's leaving me. Is this a breakup on training wheels?

I want to show him that I'm sober and serious about it. My own well-being and our relationship mean so much to me, I will never go back. I know that's hard for a loved one to believe, but I would never, ever choose a substance over him. I will NEVER relapse. I am very familiar with all the addict-voice excuses that try to tell me "oh, just one won't hurt." I know that it will. This is IT for me with alcohol.

So, I'm giving him his alone time. No contact. It's been a week. I sent a friendly email with a sincere apology. Made it short but sweet and conveyed I'm never, ever drinking again, and why, and how deadly serious I am about it.

I spent a week in bed crying and agonizing. I've read tons of articles about how to give your partner space. But this is different because addiction is involved, and is the main reason he needs to be alone right now. I respect that.

But what if anything can I do to regain his trust? What can I do to show him my commitment to sobriety? Apart from (obviously) staying sober? I know none of you are mind readers, but any insight would really help.

Thanks,
SoberForeverNow

Wisconsin

The best advice I can give is to keep your focus on your sobriety, not on saving your relationship. KEEP going to AA. KEEP going to therapy. Your history suggests that you use drinking to cope with difficult feelings and grief. Don't allow the possible end of this relationship to derail your sobriety, no matter what, and don't tie your sobriety to the success of the relationship.

You have said that your drinking is the only issue in your relationship. I would submit that the fact that he is taking a step back and focusing on himself is an indication that the drinking was (and is), for him, a HUGE issue. He may not have articulated that, but we don't tend to walk away unless and until we feel so beaten down by our partner's disease that it is less painful to leave than it is to stay.

You are in very, very early sobriety. The best thing you can do for yourself, is to focus less on what you can do to show him this, and to show him that, and focus more on just DOING for yourself.

ETA: a common refrain in Al Anon and Al Anon-focused therapy is that an addict needs to show a year of solid recovery and sobriety before a relationship is advisable. Your partner may decide that he feels this is a healthy approach. You have no control at all over what he chooses to do with his own life, including whether or not he chooses to end the relationship, or to put it on hold pending a long-term stretch of sobriety and recovery.

hopeful4

Well, I would tell him that you completely understand why he may have some doubts, but that you plan on being 100% sober, forever. Understand that the only thing you can do to earn his trust is to exhibit this behavior....forever. It's hard work. Make sure you are up to this commitment before you actually make the commitment, because there is nothing more damaging than making promises that get broken.

Understand it's actions, not words, that mean anything.

suki44883

Do you truly want to live a sober life? For yourself? Or do you want to do it because you know he won't stick around if you don't? That's very important. You can't do it only to hang onto him because he might leave at any time for any reason and your sobriety would suffer if you aren't doing it for YOU.

alcoholics wife

Reading your post I feel like you still need a long way before you reach there. This journey should be about YOU and not so much about how to regain his trust, that it up to him to be with you or not. What you need to focus on is your sobriety, taking all the steps necessary, working on your relationship with YOURSELF and overcoming grief over a recent loss. Educate yourself on codependency and trying to understand why is it so important that you need to sway someone else's decision for their own space.

Usually a recipe for a disastrous relationship is jumping right into a serious relationship at this very early stage of an addicts recovery process. I think it's wise that he is allowing himself space from you and you should do the same.

SparkleKitty

You can show the love of your life you are committed to sobriety...by committing to sobriety.

You are fortunate that he has told you exactly what he needs from you. You don't have to guess. If you love and respect him, you will do what he asks.

More importantly, in the meantime, you can focus on yourself and your issues. You are only on Day 3. Not to minimize that accomplishment, but it's a drop in the bucket of sobriety. You have a long way to go to turn your sobriety into recovery.

Thumpalumpacus

You cannot make him see anything except your behavior. Either he can find it in himself to give you a fair shake, or he cannot -- but you can't control his feelings and you have to quit trying.

As others have said, address your sobriety and stay focused on this. Don't quack about commitment to sobriety. Stay sober and let your behavior speak for itself.

Yoga

Commit to sobriety for you. Actions speak louder than words.

SoberForeverNow

Thank so much for all your thoughtful responses.

My sobriety is tied to ME, my own evolution, my own mental clarity, and the fact that I do not want to live this low life of alcoholism. I want this for myself and my own growth as a person.

The fact that it's caused damage in my relationship was a big wake up call that I have a problem. I am stopping because I don't want this disease to progress. A few other events made it clear to me too that I need to stop forever. I'm pretty young, I have a good career going, and I have a lot to offer.

I am not trying to control his feelings. I would just love a chance to make up for the pain I have caused, and to show that I'm in this sobriety for life. I have had an epiphany and I am trying to convey to him my commitment to my recovery. I would really like to save my relationship, and I would really like a fair chance.

But if I already messed it up forever, I guess I have to live with that.

You all are right, all I can do now is focus on my own life and recovery.

SparkleKitty

Right now, it's too early to say with certainty that anything is "forever".

Sometimes we just have to allow Time and Space to do what they do so everyone can gain a little clarity and perspective. And Time, as they say, takes time.

dandylion

SoberForeverNow......as you work the Steps, and you make the kinds of inside changes that change one's thinking...which changes attitudes...which changes one's actions.....then, other people will notice the changes without your having to say anything......
People can "feel" the changes that come with genuine recovery....
It is a l ot more than just being "sober".

As you already know (or, should...lol..), this doesn't just happen overnight....
It takes work and focus and has to be the number one priority.....
Trust takes a while to be rebuilt.....if it can be, at all....
Like the layers of an onion......

My wish for you is a life of recovery....it can be a beautiful llife.....

dandylion

LexieCat

There's nothing you can do to hurry up the process of getting sober and staying that way, or repairing your relationship.

Both take demonstrated long-term commitment and TIME.

In the same breath where you claim to be committed to staying "sober forever" you seem to be minimizing how "bad" your alcoholism is. I can't say whether you're an alcoholic or not based on what you've written (I've been in two marriages to alcoholics and am sober almost eight years, myself). All I can say for sure is that your drinking is bothering the heck out of this guy, and he's getting his own help for that. Good for him. His getting help for how it affects him has nothing to do with you. You concentrate on your own life and let him work his program.

I have a sneaking suspicion you aren't as "done" as you claim to be, but that's for you to decide. Are you working a program, yourself, or is this a do-it-yourself project?

AnvilheadII

remember, you are all of THREE DAYS sober now. and altho he had told you repeatedly that your drinking really bothered him, you continued to drink, albeit less....and the catalyst for his leaving was........you drinking. so it is great that you are feeling so committed to not drinking, again, ever.....but we have to loop back to the fact you've got all of 72 hours of sobriety under your belt.

even you stated that you have been able to go for long stretches without drinking......so you haven't really demonstrated anything measurable yet.......TIME TAKES TIME. since he had recently started his own journey of recovery, more may have been revealed for him about himself, about you or about the relationship that have given him pause..........

there is nothing you can do about HIS stuff. you stick to your side of the street, your program, and you do so daily and with a solid commitment. that is ALL you can do....and that will be enough. the rest will shake itself out........in time.

alcoholics wife

Not sure your exact age, but you state that you are still young.

Sobriety is a life long commitment and forever is a LONG time. It is great that you are on day 3 and you are aware you have a problem and want a change, only time can really tell whether you stick to this statement or not.

I can tell you that I've been in two relationships with addicts whom both stated to me countless of times that they wanted to change. Often times we all really want to be sober when things hit bottom such as a DUI, loss of a job or fear of losing a relationship etc. But sometimes that yearning for change is too superficial and therefore a chance of relapse may be high.

Give it time. Your emotions may be running all over the place right now. Allow the dust to settle.

teatreeoil007

Based upon what you have shared/revealed in this thread, I think it really boils down to MOTIVE.

What is really motivating you to want to be sober 'forever'? Is it because you really want to be a sober person for yourself and your health, or because you want to save a relationship?

I've always felt pretty STRONGLY that a person needs to really want to do it for their SELF. Which is why one can sort of 'force' sobriety on another and give ultimatums, but that doesn't really work and seems to cause RESENTMENT within the relationship, which leads to other problems in the relationship. I've watched this sort of thing play out numerous times...

Sure, you can quit. Sure, you can 'prove' that you can be sober, and sure, the only way to prove that is by ACTIONS and not just words. I'm not going to insult your intelligence trying to drive that point home. But, deep within your heart, do you really want to be sober for yourself because you have a conviction that it is right and best?(with or without any kind of relationship with another human being). The "relationship" you should be MOST concerned about SAVING is the relationship with God ande yourSELF.

Only time will tell if he can forgive you and open himself up to you ever again and there is really no way to speed that process along. Well, I suppose that process can be sped up a bit in various ways, but speeding that process up is NOT recommended.

Be good to yourself. We've ALL lost someone important in our lives and grieving is tough. I don't judge you for turning to the 'bottle' in your grief. And it sounds like you already know that is not a healthy option. But what is done is done and you have to learn to forgive yourself for that weak moment in time.

BTW: How did your best friend die? Just wondering....

CaveGirl

From the other side, I recommend you do the sobriety for yourself and if you do trip up, be completely honest with your partner about it. Most of us understand that full time sobriety is really hard. I don't have a problem with drinking and it would be hard for me to give it up forever.

It's the lies and the deceit that goes hand in hand with the drinking that hurts us more than anything. I thought I was supporting someone that was struggling with his sobriety only to find out he was sneaking drinking and drugs while I was asleep. It wasn't the struggle that broke us up, it was the fact that he lied to me that did.

i can't tell from your post how severe your problem is, but it sounds like it was more than you are telling us. Most people are ok with their partner drinking too much once in awhile. But it sounds like it was more than that and that you did hurtful things to your partner. Realize that trust is hard to rebuild, there is no magic bullet.

With time if you maintain your sobriety and most importantly your honesty, you two may have a chance. But you have to do it for you not to get a man back, that never works.

Good luck to you on taking this really amazing step!

Thumpalumpacus

I'm very much in the same boat, having broken the trust of the woman I love and wanting desperately to earn it back. I don't know that I can, and I have to live with the consequences of my actions. Her leaving me was not the motivation for my entry into recovery; her continued prodding is what dragged me to a place where I could see for myself that I needed and wanted change. It's a subtle point that sometimes the ones we've hurt don't see, and, because of our past misdeeds, don't trust.

Keep your eye on the ball, stay focused on yourself, and remember your Serenity Prayer -- work to change what you can, and let go of what you cannot.

Best wishes to you, ma'am.

FireSprite

In all honesty, at 3 days sober there is literally nothing that my partner could say or do that would prove ANYTHING to me, in any way. And I would be more unsettled the more he pushed the issue.... especially if my partner was a binge-drinker already capable of going for long stretches in between binges.

And you know what? It might not even be about YOU. If your partner has previous life experience with addiction - either through a parent or sibling or former partner, etc. - then this may just be alllllll about him just like it was for me. My recovery was made of MUCH MORE than my husband's issues because I had been a lifelong card-carrying member of the Addiction Club as a child of an alcoholic.

I think the most telling clue here (if you are really looking for honesty) is that you found this incredible resource for recovery in SR & yet your first & only post is in the F&F forum about your partner. If your recovery had you in the focal point, *I* would expect that you would be more draw to the Newcomer's & Alcoholism sections of these boards. That makes me lean toward assuming that you found us via googling relationship issues & not addiction issues.

A couple of thread that you might find interesting (or not):

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ide-fence.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html

Nero427

Quoted for Truth.

JD

Hi soberforever. What you can do is give him the time and space he needs. While you're doing that you need to work on yourself. Getting sober is easy. Staying sober is where the work is. It's a full time job, especially in the early stages. I'm an alcoholic and frankly, if you came to me with 3 days of not drinking and told me that it's for ever I'd be very sceptical. You need a whole lot more time and even then your boy friend may not want to continue the relationship.

And the biggest advice I can give you, you can't control what your boy friend does. Only he can do that. If I were him, the more you pushed right now for a relationship the more I'd move away from it. You've got to work on yourself regardless what happens in the relationship.