How can I show the love of my life that I am committed to my sobriety?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
While I agree that a few of the posts were over the line, I think that most of them were honest and relatively gentle.
I welcome and appreciate the insight brought by folks "from the other side" who pay us a visit in this forum. I ask only that they try to understand where we are at. Coming here to ask how a recovering addict can win back an estranged romantic partner can be triggering for many of us. Many of us were on the receiving end of manipulation, abuse, and lies. I would imagine the OP raised some hackles, conjuring images of a three-day-sober addict (however sincerely) wanting tips for what would in fact be yet another attempt to manipulate someone back into a relationship.
Let me be clear. I am in NO WAY suggesting that the OP was doing this. I think the OP took the initial responses to her post with grace, and the spirit in which they were intended. I'm just trying to provide some context for why some folks over here reacted more strongly than others. I would imagine that if a newbie to the Al Anon side of things were to walk on over to the Alcoholism forum and ask "how can I make my qualifier quit?" followed by a laundry list of things that we (as enablers) think we know better than our qualifiers in the early stages of recovery, that the usual residents of that thread would probably provide a pretty broad range of responses, from "you can't control someone else, plain and simple" to "who do you think you are, thinking you know better than someone else." Different people respond differently to different triggers, and I think we all do well to remember that, particularly when we hop on over to "the other side." Believe me, I've posted some incredibly obnoxious stuff in alcoholism forums, trying to figure out how to make someone "do the right thing," before I turned my focus back on myself, where it should have always been.
We're all just doing the best we can, one day at a time, regardless of our demons. I hope the original poster can remember that.
I welcome and appreciate the insight brought by folks "from the other side" who pay us a visit in this forum. I ask only that they try to understand where we are at. Coming here to ask how a recovering addict can win back an estranged romantic partner can be triggering for many of us. Many of us were on the receiving end of manipulation, abuse, and lies. I would imagine the OP raised some hackles, conjuring images of a three-day-sober addict (however sincerely) wanting tips for what would in fact be yet another attempt to manipulate someone back into a relationship.
Let me be clear. I am in NO WAY suggesting that the OP was doing this. I think the OP took the initial responses to her post with grace, and the spirit in which they were intended. I'm just trying to provide some context for why some folks over here reacted more strongly than others. I would imagine that if a newbie to the Al Anon side of things were to walk on over to the Alcoholism forum and ask "how can I make my qualifier quit?" followed by a laundry list of things that we (as enablers) think we know better than our qualifiers in the early stages of recovery, that the usual residents of that thread would probably provide a pretty broad range of responses, from "you can't control someone else, plain and simple" to "who do you think you are, thinking you know better than someone else." Different people respond differently to different triggers, and I think we all do well to remember that, particularly when we hop on over to "the other side." Believe me, I've posted some incredibly obnoxious stuff in alcoholism forums, trying to figure out how to make someone "do the right thing," before I turned my focus back on myself, where it should have always been.
We're all just doing the best we can, one day at a time, regardless of our demons. I hope the original poster can remember that.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
While I agree that a few of the posts were over the line, I think that most of them were honest and relatively gentle.
I welcome and appreciate the insight brought by folks "from the other side" who pay us a visit in this forum. I ask only that they try to understand where we are at. Coming here to ask how a recovering addict can win back an estranged romantic partner can be triggering for many of us. Many of us were on the receiving end of manipulation, abuse, and lies. I would imagine the OP raised some hackles, conjuring images of a three-day-sober addict (however sincerely) wanting tips for what would in fact be yet another attempt to manipulate someone back into a relationship.
Let me be clear. I am in NO WAY suggesting that the OP was doing this. I think the OP took the initial responses to her post with grace, and the spirit in which they were intended. I'm just trying to provide some context for why some folks over here reacted more strongly than others. I would imagine that if a newbie to the Al Anon side of things were to walk on over to the Alcoholism forum and ask "how can I make my qualifier quit?" followed by a laundry list of things that we (as enablers) think we know better than our qualifiers in the early stages of recovery, that the usual residents of that thread would probably provide a pretty broad range of responses, from "you can't control someone else, plain and simple" to "who do you think you are, thinking you know better than someone else." Different people respond differently to different triggers, and I think we all do well to remember that, particularly when we hop on over to "the other side." Believe me, I've posted some incredibly obnoxious stuff in alcoholism forums, trying to figure out how to make someone "do the right thing," before I turned my focus back on myself, where it should have always been.
We're all just doing the best we can, one day at a time, regardless of our demons. I hope the original poster can remember that.
I welcome and appreciate the insight brought by folks "from the other side" who pay us a visit in this forum. I ask only that they try to understand where we are at. Coming here to ask how a recovering addict can win back an estranged romantic partner can be triggering for many of us. Many of us were on the receiving end of manipulation, abuse, and lies. I would imagine the OP raised some hackles, conjuring images of a three-day-sober addict (however sincerely) wanting tips for what would in fact be yet another attempt to manipulate someone back into a relationship.
Let me be clear. I am in NO WAY suggesting that the OP was doing this. I think the OP took the initial responses to her post with grace, and the spirit in which they were intended. I'm just trying to provide some context for why some folks over here reacted more strongly than others. I would imagine that if a newbie to the Al Anon side of things were to walk on over to the Alcoholism forum and ask "how can I make my qualifier quit?" followed by a laundry list of things that we (as enablers) think we know better than our qualifiers in the early stages of recovery, that the usual residents of that thread would probably provide a pretty broad range of responses, from "you can't control someone else, plain and simple" to "who do you think you are, thinking you know better than someone else." Different people respond differently to different triggers, and I think we all do well to remember that, particularly when we hop on over to "the other side." Believe me, I've posted some incredibly obnoxious stuff in alcoholism forums, trying to figure out how to make someone "do the right thing," before I turned my focus back on myself, where it should have always been.
We're all just doing the best we can, one day at a time, regardless of our demons. I hope the original poster can remember that.
In another situation like this, perhaps one of us could ask Dee/Anna/Zoso to move it to the newcomers forum.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I defer to the mods on how these kinds of posts should be handled. While I know this is a public forum, I also know that it is a "safe space" for most of us (and for some of us, our only "safe space").
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I think some of us are a bit jaded....and that perhaps the OP was triggering to some. I'm a double winner, so I can see both sides. I don't think the OP intended to trigger, however. But, there seems to be a belief that this all can be hurried up and 'fixed'. And the reality is, it just can't. It's like a mentality of "I said I'm sorry, so please hurry up and forgive me so we can get on with it." And then you come to find out there hasn't really been any lasting change. Yeah, some of us are a bit jaded. That's one of my issues I've been working on too.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I understand... it's why I don't post here about my codependency issues, because I'm also an alcoholic and I respect that my experiences might be triggering for people. Instead I read, and I've used what I learned to separate from an alcoholic and emotionally abusive partner (thank you all for that!). I really value that and the experiences that I've taken inspiration from.
I just felt compelled in this case to speak up. There is so much compassion in evidence on this forum. Some of the things that were said to this vulnerable, newly sober, misinformed but presumably well-intentioned person were not so compassionate. I definitely don't mean to stick my head in where it isn't appropriate, I was just struck by a feeling of "this is going to a dark place, someone should say something." I owe quite a bit of improvement in my life to the good support that is offered here, both on F&F and on A.
I just felt compelled in this case to speak up. There is so much compassion in evidence on this forum. Some of the things that were said to this vulnerable, newly sober, misinformed but presumably well-intentioned person were not so compassionate. I definitely don't mean to stick my head in where it isn't appropriate, I was just struck by a feeling of "this is going to a dark place, someone should say something." I owe quite a bit of improvement in my life to the good support that is offered here, both on F&F and on A.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Alcoholic fresh off of the latest hangover, coming into a friends & family group, asking how to to get back with the bf & saying the trigger words and not saying the other ones... this thread was a lot calmer than I thought it was going to be- I felt it too.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Originally Posted by fantail
I understand... it's why I don't post here about my codependency issues, because I'm also an alcoholic and I respect that my experiences might be triggering for people. Instead I read, and I've used what I learned to separate from an alcoholic and emotionally abusive partner (thank you all for that!). I really value that and the experiences that I've taken inspiration from.
I just felt compelled in this case to speak up. There is so much compassion in evidence on this forum. Some of the things that were said to this vulnerable, newly sober, misinformed but presumably well-intentioned person were not so compassionate. I definitely don't mean to stick my head in where it isn't appropriate, I was just struck by a feeling of "this is going to a dark place, someone should say something." I owe quite a bit of improvement in my life to the good support that is offered here, both on F&F and on A.
I just felt compelled in this case to speak up. There is so much compassion in evidence on this forum. Some of the things that were said to this vulnerable, newly sober, misinformed but presumably well-intentioned person were not so compassionate. I definitely don't mean to stick my head in where it isn't appropriate, I was just struck by a feeling of "this is going to a dark place, someone should say something." I owe quite a bit of improvement in my life to the good support that is offered here, both on F&F and on A.
Through time and therapy and experience, I came to realize that most of my addiction issues are ROOTED in co-dependency and stemmed from being a co-dependent. So not uncommon for co-dependents to turn to substances to "cope" with addict relationships and people. It's a trap, for sure...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 3
Hi everyone, yes I am still here, sober, going to AA daily. Thank you for all of your painfully brutal honesty. I was genuinely seeking help and advice from the "other side." I did not realize that I was triggering anyone or imposing on your space and I apologize.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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SoberForever.......I am glad that you are still here!
Sometimes, the feedback can be tough to hear...but, It sounds like you are able to "roll" with it.
Good for You!!
I want you to know that I am rooting for you, big time.....
I want recovery for you because I want you to know all the joys of life that recovery brings....
dandylion
Sometimes, the feedback can be tough to hear...but, It sounds like you are able to "roll" with it.
Good for You!!
I want you to know that I am rooting for you, big time.....
I want recovery for you because I want you to know all the joys of life that recovery brings....
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Some of the responses in this thread are what I would call "Dr. Phil-ish". Brutal honesty, straight talk, and the truth hurts sometimes. But, there are moments when that is refreshing and you want to go, "What was I thinking?!" SoberNow: You may feel as though you stepped into a land mine. If you want to be sober, my best advice is the only way to beat it is with honesty, accountability, and one day at a time. But, also, speaking for myself, I need to take it to the Lord and leave it in His care too. I do my part, of course. But, I believe there is so much Power to help. There is a TON of help and support out there, so never give up. It's been tremendously helpful for me to be held accountable..
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Originally Posted by SoberForeverNow
Hi everyone, yes I am still here, sober, going to AA daily. Thank you for all of your painfully brutal honesty. I was genuinely seeking help and advice from the "other side." I did not realize that I was triggering anyone or imposing on your space and I apologize.
I'm still thinking you should get over to the Newcomers forum. They are a super nice bunch. Join the April class even if we are most of the way through April. I certainly don't mind you posting here, I just think the other Alcoholics will be more utilitarian as you embark on this super tough, life-changing journey. Absolutely best of luck to you!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hello SoberForeverNow, and pleased to "meet" you.
You are more than welcome to post your questions about being in a relationship to an alcoholic in this forum.
The folks here can, and have, told you what it feels like to have a spouse / partner that is addicted to alcohol or chemicals. You have seen, by some of the "triggered" and "lashing out" responses you received, that a lot of people are deeply harmed.
As others have mentioned, _other_ questions about your own recovery and addiction belong in the various other forums of SoberRecovery. This thread, and your posts, are perfectly fine in this forum. No worries.
Mike
Moderator, SR
You are more than welcome to post your questions about being in a relationship to an alcoholic in this forum.
The folks here can, and have, told you what it feels like to have a spouse / partner that is addicted to alcohol or chemicals. You have seen, by some of the "triggered" and "lashing out" responses you received, that a lot of people are deeply harmed.
As others have mentioned, _other_ questions about your own recovery and addiction belong in the various other forums of SoberRecovery. This thread, and your posts, are perfectly fine in this forum. No worries.
Mike
Moderator, SR
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
As a general response to several questions about moving this thread.
The original questions in this thread are well within our guidelines. A number of responses have shown that there are people who might want to call their sponsor / therapist. Maybe go to a meeting. Maybe take a walk and get some fresh air.
No, I am not moving the thread just because some of the local members are still in a lot of pain and "posting while triggered". Think of this thread as an opportunity to recognize where you may need to focus a little more of your recovery efforts.
If anybody needs to step aside and take a break it's the peeps who responded out of pain, instead of out of kindness. The OP has not posted _anything_ objectionable.
Mike
Moderator, SR
The original questions in this thread are well within our guidelines. A number of responses have shown that there are people who might want to call their sponsor / therapist. Maybe go to a meeting. Maybe take a walk and get some fresh air.
No, I am not moving the thread just because some of the local members are still in a lot of pain and "posting while triggered". Think of this thread as an opportunity to recognize where you may need to focus a little more of your recovery efforts.
If anybody needs to step aside and take a break it's the peeps who responded out of pain, instead of out of kindness. The OP has not posted _anything_ objectionable.
Mike
Moderator, SR
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
As a general response to several questions about moving this thread.
The original questions in this thread are well within our guidelines. A number of responses have shown that there are people who might want to call their sponsor / therapist. Maybe go to a meeting. Maybe take a walk and get some fresh air.
No, I am not moving the thread just because some of the local members are still in a lot of pain and "posting while triggered". Think of this thread as an opportunity to recognize where you may need to focus a little more of your recovery efforts.
If anybody needs to step aside and take a break it's the peeps who responded out of pain, instead of out of kindness. The OP has not posted _anything_ objectionable.
Mike
Moderator, SR
The original questions in this thread are well within our guidelines. A number of responses have shown that there are people who might want to call their sponsor / therapist. Maybe go to a meeting. Maybe take a walk and get some fresh air.
No, I am not moving the thread just because some of the local members are still in a lot of pain and "posting while triggered". Think of this thread as an opportunity to recognize where you may need to focus a little more of your recovery efforts.
If anybody needs to step aside and take a break it's the peeps who responded out of pain, instead of out of kindness. The OP has not posted _anything_ objectionable.
Mike
Moderator, SR
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Thanks, fantail.
Through time and therapy and experience, I came to realize that most of my addiction issues are ROOTED in co-dependency and stemmed from being a co-dependent. So not uncommon for co-dependents to turn to substances to "cope" with addict relationships and people. It's a trap, for sure...
Through time and therapy and experience, I came to realize that most of my addiction issues are ROOTED in co-dependency and stemmed from being a co-dependent. So not uncommon for co-dependents to turn to substances to "cope" with addict relationships and people. It's a trap, for sure...
Lots of work to do on untangling these things now that I'm finally sober and single.
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